The 7 Worst Behaviors on Public Transportation
As a lifelong New Yorker, I know a few things about public transportation. (Also, where to go in Washington Square Park if you're looking for the worst schwag weed ever). For the most part, public transportation has served me well. It gets me to work, brings me home, and gives me a chance to write. In fact, at least 80% of everything I've ever produced for Cracked has been tapped out on a laptop while in motion.
But as much as I appreciate public transportation, it causes certain behaviors I simply cannot tolerate. And because it's not acceptable to physically murder people who annoy you (even in New York) I thought I'd itemize them here. (By the way, I'm writing this column about public transportation while I'm riding on a train!)
I know, right?
#7.
The Invisible Seating Request
It's perfectly acceptable to ask other passengers to move out of the way so you can get to an unoccupied seat next to them. Sure, we all like having a row to ourselves, but only the most entitled, insufferable prima donnas would actually take offense to such a request. In fact, those people are so obviously obnoxious that I'm not even bothering to include them anywhere on this list. The only appropriate spot for them is in a special level of hell sandwiched between child molesters and people who take five minutes to order at McDonalds trying to figure out if buying items a la carte off the dollar menu is cheaper than the value meal.
But here's the thing: if you're going to ask someone to move, actually ask them to move. Say "excuse me," point, do some damn thing, because just kinda, sorta standing next to someone in the belief that it is their duty to divine your seating desires, spring to their feet, and lead you to your desired location is just a tad presumptuous.
Making matters worse is that most of these silent requesters usually forget their basic biology once getting on a train. Or at least they're a little shaky on how eyes work. For the most part (and no offense to Admiral Ackbar) most passengers tend to have their visual portals in the front of their head.
"No offense taken, Gladstone."
So if you're going to ask me (without speaking) to get up to let you into the row, maybe, I don't know, don't stand behind me when you do it. I'm probably working on a column called the 6 Most Unintentionally Homoerotic Things Ever Said On Boy Meets World and won't notice you there.
#6.
The Improper Seat Offering/Not Offering
In this politically correct 21st Century world, certain things can be confusing, but for the most part offering your seat to another passenger correctly should not be one of them. First off, if a pregnant woman or someone with a physical handicap is standing, get up. That's easy. And no, pretending you don't see them because you're reading the best novel ever on your Kindle isn't an excuse. If you're sitting and they're not, you're wrong. Get up.
Okay, now you have older passengers. Admittedly, that's a bit trickier. I personally have never offered my seat to an older man because I'm afraid of being insulting. But you're probably pretty safe with an older woman. I mean, even if she's incredibly vain, she's more likely to think you're being chivalrous rather than calling her a decrepit invalid. The only way you'll possibly get in trouble is if you offer your seat to an older woman consumed with appearance who is also an ardent feminist who doesn't need your male seat-based charity thank you very much.
A very tough call.
And young women? No. You don't get a seat. I'll never give it up. Why? Because I spent college trying to seduce women who ran with the wolves while listening to the Indigo Girls and not succumbing to the beauty myth. That kind of behavior has been socialized right out of me. I am a feminist and I believe you can stand on public transportation just as well as any man ever could, sunshine sister. So stop making puppy dog eyes at my seat, Missy. It ain't happening.
Also, quick note. I had an acquaintance that used to offer his seat to women on the subway even when there were other available seats. Don't do that. Ever. Not only is it not necessary, it's insane and creepy as all eternal hell.
#5.
The Crippling Slow Taxi Change-Maker
Have you ever tried to pay for a $5.38 taxi ride with a twenty dollar bill? I have, and not just because my ho's keep my mink coat lined with Jacksons, but because sometimes I just like, y'know, only have a twenty. Anyway, try it out and you'll see your cabbie whip out a wad of cash neatly arranged in ascending order and yet still somehow become incapable of making change in under a minute.
This is actually a GIF moving in real time.
Why? Well, I'm convinced this is a twisted ploy to increase their tips by driving you to the brink of maddening frustration before you snap and say, "Y'know what? Forget it. Just keep the change." What's my proof? I write for the Internet. I don't need proof. What's your proof ?
"Well, maybe they're just bad at math," you say. "After all, they do drive a cab." Well, Sir or Madame, I find your elitism highly offensive, and I will not sit here and listen to you insult the intelligence of these evil terrible people that I hate so much.
#4.
The Elephantitis of the Testicles Sitting Stance
Sitting on a subway or bus seat shouldn't be too difficult. In most places the seats are already molded for you - one plastic scoop per ass. Is that enough room? No. Is there anything you can do about it? Yes. Just deal. But you may not slump down in your chair and throw your knees akimbo in a lame attempt to prove to every other passenger that your billard ball-sized testicles are too bad-ass to be contained by any one seat.
Far be it for me to judge everything about a young man based solely on his sitting posture, but if I might speak to these offenders for a moment:
Son, I know life can be hard. I'm sure your job sucks, or that job you had for four hours that one time sucked. And maybe you're part of some socio-economic or racial segment of society that has been historically repressed in cruel institutional and interpersonal ways. Maybe you've been asked "may I help you" by a sales clerk who was hoping you'd just leave. Or perhaps some Korean grocer followed you suspiciously around his bodega when you were just trying to buy a diet coke. Or maybe there was that time McDonalds didn't supersize your fries even though you totally asked McDonald's to supersize your fries. I don't pretend to know your whole life story. But I do know you can't right every indignity you think you've suffered by sitting like a douchebag. One seat per customer. Close up those legs. We've had enough.
Obviously, this rule doesn't apply to everyone.
You know, if everybody I ride the bus with is wearing deodorant, I win!!
ReplyThe list is missing an important item: People who can't keep their eating noises to themselves, argh!!
Reply#5. No, b itch, it's your job to tell the cab driver how much change you want.
Replyand...
#4. It's STILL spelled "elephantiasis"
and of course, when I said b***h, I meant b itch.
He explained the whole elephantiasis vs. elephantitis deal on a comment on another article he wrote. And it's not the point of his whole cab fare change thing, the point is that even if you tell the driver how much change you want back, he's still going to take infinitely long to count those bills and hand them to you.
I'm sorry but I'm tall and have long legs that are NEVER ever accommodated for, even in cases by cars. I understand that you're probably a short, phallucentred white man with little-to-no general life satisfaction (regardless of what statistics your country releases). You should then understand that I'm a paying customer who gets the same service catering perfectly to short, annoyed white men and not to me at all. If trains were designed for my height and not yours, I wouldn't complain at you sliding off your chair because your feet don't touch the ground on big boy trains. So leave my sweaty, uncramped testices and me alone!
ReplyOn buses, how about people who get off until the last terminal and yet they always insist on staying the nearest to the door as possible instead of going all the way to the back of the bus (if it only has 1 door) or the center (if it has 2 doors)?
ReplyNot only they get in the way of everybody else who get off before them, a lot of them actually get mad when someone bumps into them...
There's 2 more that should be on this list 1.crack head mass transit preacher (if God is really that awesome why did he make your life so damn miserable?) and people who seem to be stuck in the 90's and go on the train with huge boom boxes thinking their music is the shit.
Replyid just like to add, for the record, that my dad was a taxi driver for a large portion of my lifespan, that span being around 12 years. and at one certain point he had to do a couple of standard tests to stay a taxi driver, one of them being basic maths, with and without a calculator. so they aren't bad at maths, just mischievous and plotting.
Reply'Cuz, you know, that's so much better...
I hate when I am stuck between two guys with their legs wide open on the train, I feel unnecessarily squished.
Replythat's not what you said to me and barney the other night
Just because I want to be transported in a carriage by an Asian cartoon in a triangle-shaped bamboo hat does not mean that I'm asking to be anally penetrated against my will.
ReplyMost bizarre sentence I have ever read. Anyway, awesome article Gladstone.
Earlier today I was in the train and this woman in front of me kept staring tactlessly at this group of deaf/mute people conversing (uh was I being politically correct with the verb?); she was also telling her daughter what was happening and her daughter was pointing fingers and mimicking the actions.
ReplyI honestly would've flung my phone at the mother-daughter tandem if I were sure it wouldn't be traumatizing to everyone else.
A mother daughter team you say? I would have had the daughter put her fingers to good use while a negotiated a price for a threeway with the mother. It happens more than you might think.
I can't imagine the behaviors detailed in the comments, but I would like to add my own (and THANK YOU for for pointing out that saving a seat for your guardian angel stopped being charming around 1869 or so):
Reply1. Not getting the hint when you're hitting on someone. I'm a lesbian. Wearing a gold ring on my finger. And, for Pete's sake, in my forties. The hard sell is not going to work here, and even if it did, why would you want it to? How desperate can you be?
2. Grinding your erection into people on crowded trains. I don't care if it's for your own thrills or because you've got a disease. _You can angle your body._
3. Wearing clingy sweatpants and actually touching yourself while looking at the object of your, um, affections. For Pete's sake, people. Learn to tuck and rub. _It's not that hard._ So to speak.
not too sure how your public train system works, but on the CTA here in chicago, between 5 and 7 pm, no you cannot angle your erection away from another persons body. When there are 40 people trying to stand in a cart meant to seat 15 and all of these people are trying to get out a tiny door in a span of less than 60 seconds that only 2 people can fit through , then yes my penis, which is often erect for no sexual reason at all, but merely a result of healthy circulation, will rub against some people.
spikethemuffin is your name a joke about dildos?
Sodomized by your rickshaw driver? I read a manga about that once... (No, seriously, I did.)
ReplyAnd with #1, you hit the Christina H. level of writing. If there's one thing Cracked readers love more than a woman proclaiming "ALL WOMEN DO X, WHICH IS STUPID, EXCEPT FOR MEEEE", it's rape jokes and their homoerotic desires neatly rolled up in one package.
ReplyYeah, didn't laugh once during #1. Could have just had six things on the list.
I thought it was funny. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. Stop whining. People don't all have the same sense of humor as you. If you didn't like it, then move on with your life.
"The only appropriate spot for them is in a special level of hell sandwiched between child molesters and people who take five minutes to order at McDonalds trying to figure out if buying items a la carte off the dollar menu is cheaper than the value meal."
ReplyDamn, I totally thought you were about to quote Shepherd Book for a second.
I'm way too guilty of #4... D:
ReplyAs a person who revels in anti-social behavior in the morning, I recommend if you do not want anyone to sit next to you to purposely spill liquid onto the seat next to you (lemon Gatorade will clear out any surrounding seat and give you a bonus comfort bubble). In the afternoon though I'll ride hanging from the bumper of the bus, to let an unemployed ne'er do well have my seat to buy liquor that he does not need. It all balances out.
ReplyI'll submit for your approval N. The Altruist. This well-intentioned but clueless individual will gladly get up and offer you his seat, even if it means inconveniencing every single other person on the bus/train. This loathsome recidivist strikes at rush hour, and neither the mores of society nor the gulliest of commutes will cause his reign of terror to abate.
ReplyHave you ever hurled yourself into a mosh pit or punched someone at a party? Do you remember seeing how it forced every single person up and down the line to move to accommodate you? If a bus or train is already ass to ankles, and you leave your seat, you're temporarily creating a situation where everyone is forced to create space from whole cloth in order to facilitate your little switcheroo. And just speaking from the perspective of someone who takes the bus just about every morning during the rush, that space does not exist. You're asking me to play bump and grind with some poor bastard in order to assuage your liberal guilt.
Look, I'm not a total asshole, I'll give up my seat if someone needs it. But at rush hour? Bitch, please. Forcing an entire bus full of people to go all club love on each other so that you can hand off your seat really just creates more problems than it solves.
I know it makes you feel good to give up your nice, comfortable seat to some old lady or handicapped person during rush hour, but you're not doing anyone besides yourself any favors. Do like the rest of us and sit your ass down and avoid eye contact. It's nice to be nice, but don't inconvenience the rest of us so that you can walk around all day feeling like a solid citizen. That's silly and narcissistic.
"6 Most Unintentionally Homoerotic Things Ever Said On Boy Meets World"
ReplyYou better actually write this
CHRISTINA CAN FLY ???
ReplyThat explains a lot of strange events in my life.
You are so right about the in door/outdoor thing. The fact is that people getting off have the right of way when train doors open. People who step on, into the path of people getting off (or even around them) never fail to piss me off.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAgreed. I have broad shoulders, so I try to block the doorway as I'm stepping out. It always feels refreshing when I end up forcing someone to back out of the doorway when he was trying to jump in before everyone else.
It applied to bloody lifts as well. If I'm getting off, you do NOT get on.
agree with ya grover jones. I worked at a kitchen in a hospital for a few years, which meant constant trips up and down all day. these people who couldn't wait a damn second to get on pissed me off all day.