Breasts are made for use by mindless infants and are so powerful that they manage to reduce most adults to the same mental level. And while I'd like to promise that we'll get through this entire article without that mandatory CrackedBoobs shot from Kates Playground--
Editor: In your face, McKinney! And readers! And ourselves! (motorboat sounds)
Staring at breasts can reduce your IQ to something you can't even spell, let alone use, as proven by seven inventions that do for cleavage what cleavage does for intelligence tests.
#7. Breast-Boosting Waffle IronBreast Sculpting Apparatus, Patent Application #2007/0049473 A1 (2007)
Three Californians decided that the natural human breast wasn't good enough (a common thought in those parts), but instead of installing silicone, they built what looks like a power-armored brassiere.
You'll need a giant screwdriver to get to second base.
But this system doesn't sculpt chests by encasing them in iron and forcing them to comply. It unfolds into exercise apparatus that claims to build the bosom by exercising your arms.
We're fairly sure this is a vital part of the Iron Woman armor (for people who like good comics: Rescue Armor).
The patent admits that breasts can't be exercised, a ballsy admission for any breast-exercising patent. It goes on to explain that it's designed to work your pectoral muscles, and those will make your boobs look good enough. This is a dubious claim for a few reasons. Developed pecs give female bodybuilders boobs like male bodybuilders'. And we're pretty sure pectorals can't be trained with a double-barreled sandwich-maker, forcing us to conclude that this is an attempt to build the world's most sexist device by saying "You need bigger tits and should make me toasted sandwiches."
By their logic, all Subway employees should be double Ds. Especially the men.
They claim the invention achieves the exact same result as bench presses with dangerously heavy weights. When they can't see any effective difference between breasts and firm, rugged pecs, there's something the two male inventors should really know about themselves.
Which may explain why they fantasize about robot dicks ejaculating numbers.
#6. Patenting Second BaseMethod for the Enhancement of Breasts, Patent Application #US 2005/0215174 A1 (2005)
Modern breast enlargement techniques leave a lot to be desired, a double-entendre that Joseph Gagliano would almost certainly deliver with both of his thumbs pointed toward his "FBI: Federal Booby Inspector" T-shirt. Gagliano is the inventor behind a method that "is all-natural and involves no drugs, topical or oral compositions, hormones or surgery" because it consists entirely of pawing at breasts until they get bigger. He describes how women can do it for themselves in such loving detail that I think this "patent" was actually erotic fan fiction sent to the wrong address because he was typing with one hand.
If getting yourself groped made breasts bigger, Tila Tequila wouldn't have needed surgery.
The "detailed description" reads like a letter to Penthouse, telling women to find a room where they won't be disturbed and play some relaxing music, and suggesting that rubbing oil on their own naked breasts is absolutely fine with him. His descriptions are so tenderly detailed that you can actually hear the Barry White as you read. After a full page of breast massage, he suggests that it works even better with a partner. He stops just short of reminding female readers that his address is on the first page. Ladies. He's not so much applying to the patent office as attempting to seduce them. They should have charged sex chat rates for processing this.
He also thinks women might accidentally puncture themselves.
This is nothing less than an attempt to patent second base and masturbation. I can see intellectual property lawyers jumping out at teenagers in cars to serve an injunction, but only if the RIAA didn't get there first because they were both listening to the same MP3. Joseph points out that previous techniques have "left much to be desired or too much to be handled," proving that this patent has rolled way past free-association and into admitting his motives. The patent didn't include any images, for which the patent office should probably be grateful.
#5. Pillow With BreastsPillow With Breasts, Patent #US 7,386,902 B2 (2008)
This isn't so much an application for a patent as an appeal for emergency psychotherapy. The Pillow With Breasts a) looks like an erotic Doctor Who villain and b) claims that slightly rounded stuffing will work as a substitute for real human contact, and I don't know which is a more disturbing concept.
I'm not sure what the record is for minimum contact between a mother and a child, but I suspect that the inventor's mother gave birth to her through a steel funnel. Any human child left on this thing will wail like it's been abandoned, and it still won't be as desperate a cry for help as this document.
Of course the invisible baby above (Reed Richards is trying to remember where he left it) is just a cover story. When you're building fake tits for use in bed, pretending you're doing it for the children isn't helping, and you're probably risking arrest if you persist with that cover story. To find a precedent for that sort of creepiness, you have to go to the Japanese import market, and the box art for stuffed tit-cushions like the Nekomi Miu body pillow.
I have seen the face of loneliness, and it has GIANT EYES.
But even that can't match our cyclop-tit pillow, which also has the ability to dribble breast milk from its built-in nipple reservoir. Although we have to admit that this is probably the single greatest way to make sure no one sits next you on public transportation while sneaking a beverage on board in the only thing even TSA agents won't dare to grope.
#4. Breast-Molding Armor
Device for Molding the Breasts in the Contours and Forms Desired, Patent #2,061,268 (1936)
Nicolas Becker is determined to solve droopy breasts the way he solves all female problems: leashes and imprisonment. His invention contends that females who dare to exist without a perfect bosom shall be encased until they learn to behave. The patent continually refers to the "woman" in such a creepy, dehumanized way that you get the distinct impression it replaced the word "victim" from an earlier draft.
He demonstrates his interest in the comfort of women by having his areolal armor end with an abrupt edge pushed into the undercurve of the breast, although he can't be sure he'd ever talked to one before filing the patent. He goes into detail about how the rubberized shell should match the wearer's skin tone and texture, but since this was 1936, he might as well have imagined flying robotic concubines with RadioMatic Orgasmo-Rays. In 1936, they'd only just invented Scotch tape. An attempt at creating convincing fake flesh was coming more disturbingly ahead of its time than if Marty McFly had gone through with banging his own mom.
This invention was designed only to tell women, "Your breasts are abominations, now wear this undercurve-chafing harness for my amusement." Wonder Woman should be grateful DC didn't see this or she'd have an even worse costume.