#7. The Cocktail HatPatent #4,681,244
This is a hard hat with more fluid tubes than the human body. It was invented by John D. Geddie, presumably in an attempt to solve his two most common problems: falling off bar stools and hitting his head on the ground, and being subsequently cut off by whoever saw him fall, as well as the guy who rode with him in the ambulance. His solution to these problems is both a testament to his love of booze and a symptom of multiple concussions.
RoboCop has simpler headgear.
The helmet appears to have plenty of plumbing issues, but the grossest part has to be all the residual alcohol left in the tubes in between uses. Before you get to the daiquiri you just poured, you're going to have to make your way through a couple inches of runoff vermouth from last weekend. Of course, anyone who considers the standard glass-to-mouth drinking method too much work probably isn't going to mind.
A more serious problem for the type of person who would own this helmet is the bank of eight tiny controls on the forehead. Any man who is so desperate for alcohol that he will suck sticky liquids through a foot of narrow-gauge pipe should not be trusted to remember which identical knob controls the vodka.
Several vital plumbing connections run through the inside of the helmet where normal people keep their brain.
Eight controls for only six drink reservoirs may seem a bit odd, but keep in mind that the inventor was probably seeing double when he designed it.
#6. BeerbrellaPatent Application #US 2003/0075208 A1
The only way you could not see the problem with the Beerbrella is if you'd already tried to use it and poked out an eye.
Nope, they still can't see the problem.
Three inventors got through seven schematics without realizing that they'd invented an antibeer shield. They're either total idiots or devilishly cunning anti-alcohol crusaders: The Beerbrella itself might only stop you for a second, but clumsily stabbing yourself in the face with this would force bystanders to stage an intervention in the middle of Oktoberfest. They also bring the worst of the world of cocktails to simple beer with a "tropical base" ...
The Thunderbirds built more sensible things around small fake trees.
... which is blatantly unnecessary, because fitting an umbrella to your beer is already ringing a douchebag alarm loud enough to deafen everyone within earshot. Only one of their designs acknowledges that people actually drink beer, including a pivot system and counterweight to double the bottle's weight. And since trash like this is only ever built by the current winner of the "Country With Fewer Human Rights for Workers Than an Ant Colony" award, the only one not designed to poke your eye out is probably going to break after approximately 0.5 uses. We'd make fun of them more, but being the first people in history to prevent beer from working is actually sort of impressive.
#5. Meat BeerPatent #US 7,037,541 B2
Mr. Okada says he just wants to provide new drinks for the world and "achieve a wider range of alcohol content." If only every madman cutting up chunks of flesh and dissolving them in acid was so well-intentioned. Combining leftover meat parts and bizarre chemical experimentation isn't brewing, it's how you build Frankenstein's monster. His patent isn't just meat flavoring; the alcohol itself comes from flesh, presumably so that you can get rage-drunk by ingesting both the spirit of the animal and the madness of the inventor. It's the most idiotically manly way to get drunk short of smashing a bottle of whiskey over a Terminator's head and then licking it off.
Warner Bros, Columbia Pictures
Most beers are already unsuitable for vegetarians because of isinglass -- ground, dried fish bladders mixed into our our magical beer to make it clearer and also sound more like actual witchcraft. This patent uses aqueous animal extract fermented with lactic acid bacteria and yeast, and doesn't involve wriggling maggots because they don't need to make it sound less appetizing.
In fact, they probably couldn't. "Drinking the meat beer" sounds like something you have to do to join a fraternity in hell.
#4. Deep-Fried BeerPatent Application #US2001/0014320 A1
Mark Zable started with "unhealthy food tastes good" they same way Einstein started with "I don't think space is flat," chasing the thought through an insane level of work to a reality-redefining result: deep-fried beer. His patent-pending process blends beer with acid-dissolved bone meal and animal skin, coats it in batter, throws the whole thing in hot burning oil and screams raw hatred at hearts and livers. But those already dead cannot hear. This is less a fried snack than a personal vendetta against the transplant industry.
We're not saying this is a drunken flash of genius scribbled on the back of a napkin four hungry hours into a drinking session, but here's the entire schematic on the front of the patent application.
We're fairly sure sanitary pads have already been invented.
It took Zable three years to work out the recipe because his experimentally fried protosnacks kept exploding. Returning to the same place full of explosions three years running for a ridiculous reason technically means he's an action hero.
Only on a deep-fried beer patent would random stains be a full figure.
The process of frying liquifies the jellied beer, and Zable can see absolutely no problem with a piping-hot dough shell full of liquid. His text describes a fried dough snack with "an aliquot of a beer-flavored component," and honestly, we weren't expecting the guy throwing pizza dough and beer into a deep-fat fryer to teach us new words. We understand that the guy approaching the government with scribbled sketches of things thrown into boiling oil in the name of hungry science has to prove he's not stupid, but by the time you've finished reading about trapezoidal farinaceous wrappings around aliquots, you'll know what "sesquipedalian" means. And still want to try one.