If you watch TV during the middle of the day or late at night, market research has discovered that you're stoned, broke, lonely, uneducated and unemployed. For a for-profit college with a video game design program, that's like discovering your blind date is a sex addict. These colleges were so excited to tell you about your "future career in gaming" that they didn't have time to look up what any of those words meant. The confusion that followed led to these ridiculous commercials.
6Mindfire Academy Video Game Design Bootcamp
Mindfire Academy takes a unique approach to its advertising. They bring up an aspect of electronic entertainment that most of us forget about -- poontang. They hired a spokesgirl to casually invite you inside her, but only after you've created your own video game. In a mere 15 seconds, the school makes it clear that they know nothing about gaming and less about women. Here are the actual words from their actual ad, in their entirety:
Because you're a contentious homely girl with a 14-inch TV?
Wait, what are you talking about? You know that throwing in a random gaming term doesn't magically make sense out of the rest of your sentence, right? If it did, then Donkey Kong for into my ping pong banana.
Speaking of video games, that one will probably work better if you turn the controller on.
The promise of cheap sex with unpleasant bitches does seem more realistic than the promise of a career, but does Mindfire Academy actually have some kind of vagina placement program for its graduates? Because I've read that most non-accredited schools don't even qualify you for an entry-level position in a fat girl. Hell, according to one poll, 87 percent of Everest College students have to close their eyes and finger a burrito.
5Collins College Game Design
Collins College knows that you have no interest in things as fleeting as sex or money. You are only watching commercials at 4 a.m. because you want to change the future. They produced an ad they called "Game Evoluation," because there is nothing more cyber than spelling everything like an idiot.
Sitting jobless at home with a Collins College Interactive Design & VCR Repair Certificate and $70,000 in student loan bills is depressing, but not as depressing as finding out the next wave of cool games is going to be shitty robots in a warehouse firing rockets at nothing. That's worse than a future where those robots are the next wave of cool everyday problems.
Before I send in my tuition, I have a quick question: Are the games of the future being sarcastic? Because that's a freaking gorilla shooting graph paper with lightning bolts. My present-day brain is having a lot of trouble figuring out if that's awesome or retarded.
Holy shit, what am I looking at, Collins College? Is that ape celebrating because it lost? But ... but that means you made a game where gorillas electrocute an empty floor and the object is to fail! Fuck your dark hearts if that's what you've done! Or wait, is he the enemy and we're the floor? Because that doesn't make any sense either! Look, you had one job -- make something that looks like a game -- and you managed to pick the one possible combination of words and shapes that doesn't. I'm not saying all people with a basic understanding of video games are smart, but Collins College is dumber than every single one of them.