You're probably already familiar with a toilet. If you're not, it's that poop-eatin' chair in the other room. When you think about it -- and most people, rightly, don't -- a toilet's got a pretty thankless task. With a job description that grim, few would have the nerve to ask much more of the poor toilet. The Japanese are those few people. It turns out that nearly every toilet in Japan is equipped with a variety of auxiliary functions, some of them only slightly related to poop eating. Bidets, seat warmers and wireless remotes are all very common features. Many Japanese manufacturers are even building "smart" toilets capable of automated operations, increased user feedback and other feats that will blow your ass' mind. Now, if you can look at that clip and not think of that semi-intelligent poo-eating machine becoming self-aware, realizing the raw deal it's been given and rising up to destroy its master, well, welcome to your first visit to Cracked.com. We hope you enjoy and are terrified by your stay. Below is a list of some of the most advanced features that Japanese toilets have developed, descriptions of how they are meant to interact with Japanese hindquarters and how they will inevitably be used against us when the toilet fuel hits the fan. We cannot recommend strongly enough that you do not read this article while using the bathroom, lest you warn the toilets that we're on to them.
#6. Ass ShowersA very popular option found on Japanese toilets is the bidet, which is a pretty precious term for a jet of water that gets fired at your tenderness.
The more complicated toilets feature different settings depending on your tenderness' needs -- a variety of jet size, power and even massage (!!) settings. There is also typically a specific nozzle meant for a lady's needs (we're not even going to guess what these needs might be [yes we are; it's to scare away ghosts -- right, ladies?]). Many such toilets also contain blow dryers, which, after an accidental anal massage, actually sounds kind of pleasant. What certainly doesn't sound pleasant is the "turbo wash" feature some of these units have, and if you were hoping that wasn't a euphemism for an enema, you're about to be disappointed. How This Will Go All Wrong Just think for a moment about trusting any machine to root around in your turd vent, much less a machine that will certainly grow to hate you. What could go right with that plan?
"AHHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHHA. YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD THE SOUND YOU JUST MADE, FOODBAG."
#5. Seat WarmingA poorly heated home makes any kind of winter-time contact with a toilet seat a potentially harrowing experience. And considering the natural tendency of our various sphincters to clench up when subjected to sudden shocks, a heated toilet seat actually seems like a pretty good idea. Nice one, Japan. How This Will Go All Wrong Unless ... Is there anything you put in close proximity to a toilet seat that is sensitive in any way? Like a kind of fun, goofy appendage? Let's say there is, and let's call him Johnson-San. How would Johnson-San feel if it was abruptly pinned by a scalding hot toilet seat that swung down suddenly?
"Ahh oh god oh god oh god I burned my dick and I peed on the floor but mostly that first thing shit heeeeeeelllllllp."
#4. DeodorizationWhen a toilet is used successfully, it is often the case that fantastic odors are produced. For most Westerners, these fragrances are a great thing, a cause for celebration and windmill high-fives. But for the Japanese, they are a terrible embarrassment, a reminder that inside everyone lurks great evil. To counter these grim portents, many Japanese toilets contain deodorization features. These can include masking fragrances, but the more advanced models can even produce ozone, which is capable of chemically neutralizing many odors. How This Will Go All Wrong Well, in high enough concentrations, ozone acts as an irritant to lungs and other mucus membranes. It's also, hilariously, flammable in the presence of a spark. And when a rash factory/incendiary device camped out by your personal area says it has some demands, see how closely you listen.