The 6 Most Terrifying Features of Japanese Toilets
You're probably already familiar with a toilet. If you're not, it's that poop-eatin' chair in the other room. When you think about it -- and most people, rightly, don't -- a toilet's got a pretty thankless task. With a job description that grim, few would have the nerve to ask much more of the poor toilet.
The Japanese are those few people. It turns out that nearly every toilet in Japan is equipped with a variety of auxiliary functions, some of them only slightly related to poop eating. Bidets, seat warmers and wireless remotes are all very common features. Many Japanese manufacturers are even building "smart" toilets capable of automated operations, increased user feedback and other feats that will blow your ass' mind.
Now, if you can look at that clip and not think of that semi-intelligent poo-eating machine becoming self-aware, realizing the raw deal it's been given and rising up to destroy its master, well, welcome to your first visit to Cracked.com. We hope you enjoy and are terrified by your stay.
Below is a list of some of the most advanced features that Japanese toilets have developed, descriptions of how they are meant to interact with Japanese hindquarters and how they will inevitably be used against us when the toilet fuel hits the fan. We cannot recommend strongly enough that you do not read this article while using the bathroom, lest you warn the toilets that we're on to them.
#6. Ass Showers
A very popular option found on Japanese toilets is the bidet, which is a pretty precious term for a jet of water that gets fired at your tenderness.
The more complicated toilets feature different settings depending on your tenderness' needs -- a variety of jet size, power and even massage (!!) settings. There is also typically a specific nozzle meant for a lady's needs (we're not even going to guess what these needs might be [yes we are; it's to scare away ghosts -- right, ladies?]). Many such toilets also contain blow dryers, which, after an accidental anal massage, actually sounds kind of pleasant. What certainly doesn't sound pleasant is the "turbo wash" feature some of these units have, and if you were hoping that wasn't a euphemism for an enema, you're about to be disappointed.
How This Will Go All Wrong
Just think for a moment about trusting any machine to root around in your turd vent, much less a machine that will certainly grow to hate you. What could go right with that plan?
"AHHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHHA. YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD THE SOUND YOU JUST MADE, FOODBAG."
#5. Seat Warming
A poorly heated home makes any kind of winter-time contact with a toilet seat a potentially harrowing experience. And considering the natural tendency of our various sphincters to clench up when subjected to sudden shocks, a heated toilet seat actually seems like a pretty good idea. Nice one, Japan.
How This Will Go All Wrong
Unless ...
Is there anything you put in close proximity to a toilet seat that is sensitive in any way? Like a kind of fun, goofy appendage? Let's say there is, and let's call him Johnson-San. How would Johnson-San feel if it was abruptly pinned by a scalding hot toilet seat that swung down suddenly?
"Ahh oh god oh god oh god I burned my dick and I peed on the floor but mostly that first thing shit heeeeeeelllllllp."
#4. Deodorization
When a toilet is used successfully, it is often the case that fantastic odors are produced. For most Westerners, these fragrances are a great thing, a cause for celebration and windmill high-fives. But for the Japanese, they are a terrible embarrassment, a reminder that inside everyone lurks great evil. To counter these grim portents, many Japanese toilets contain deodorization features. These can include masking fragrances, but the more advanced models can even produce ozone, which is capable of chemically neutralizing many odors.
How This Will Go All Wrong
Well, in high enough concentrations, ozone acts as an irritant to lungs and other mucus membranes. It's also, hilariously, flammable in the presence of a spark. And when a rash factory/incendiary device camped out by your personal area says it has some demands, see how closely you listen.
now i just go into public restrooms with a .45, walk up to all toilets one by one, place the gun to the back and scream "I AM ON TO YOU, DON'T' HIDE YOU INTENTIONS, YOU WILL DIE FOR COWARDICE"
Replyonly been kicked outa two walmarts and a McDonalds
#3 was EXACTLY how that sci-fi movie The Island started. And you know how it ended? The guy got screwed out of bacon for breakfast because his toilet didn't like his pee, and then a bunch of other dumb s**t happened, and I wasted 3 boobless hours of my night. f**k that Science. You can keep your s****y breakfasts and gaping plot holes. Only I decide if my pee is cool or not.
ReplyTurd vent is my new favorite word.
Replyit's like you hate any toilet that's not just a hole in the ground.
ReplyIt's like you have no concept of comedy that isn't dry and boring.
The only bad thing about the robot toilet is that you won't want to take a s**t anywhere else.
ReplyThis makes travelling difficult.
Man I've been to Japan and the toilets are the f*****g bomb. They smell good, clean your ass for you and are warm. What is there to complain about? Having your a*****e cleaned by a warm spray of water after a night out felt like heaven. And also sounded extremely gay. But it still felt good, dammit. I'd buy one of them if I had the money, hands down. Or up. Whichever way you prefer.
ReplyYou also save toilet paper. And for someone with a hairy hole, it saves you having to pick it out later. Win/Win.
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ReplyI'm totally not opposed to the idea of a bidet but it worries me that...how shall I say this...*trying to maintain poise and dignity* Won't it just splatter the poop into more delicate parts of the anatomy? I'm a woman. We have to think about these things.
Replyyou're right, when using a bidet the correct way you face the taps and the water goes from the "front" to the "back" so the lady bits are ok. But with these japanese toilet, the water comes from the "back" and goes to the "front" so your lady bit are not safe :S :S
Would we have to sit on the toilette backwards?
I think I won't mind having an audio commentory every now and then. I could really use some encouragement when trying to pass a hard one.
ReplyExcept that it won't be encouragement. It'll be MST3K-style mocking you for not being able to go...
this article sucked because cracked is a stupid website and all of the readers are retarded idots, if you thumbs don you are a retarded idiots
Replyyour tears make me smile.
This has GOT to be the dumbest Cracked article yet. Six ways Japanese toilets are more comfortable and advanced than American toilets, made to sound "frightening" by a bunch of allusions to "those wacky Japanese", and what appears to be a pre-school level fear of going potty.
ReplyActually, it's more of a "what happens if somebody hacks these features?" or "what happens when these toilets malfunction?". Very reasonable fears.
Or if you're not crazy and paranoid, those things sound awesome.
Reply"using the very same technology to detect the presence of illegal substances in a user's waste and then have the toilet turn them in, like some kind of stool pigeon."
ReplyMr. Bucholz, as a lover of horrible, horrible puns I must say that I will F***ing kill you!
Stayed at a hotel in Japan once that had the seat warmers. They actually just warm the seat to around room temperature--the goal isn't to make them pleasantly warm so much as to keep them from being unpleasantly cold.
ReplyAt least, if you haven't been *bad* to the nice little robot. Then all bets are off.
I...actually want one. Who doesn't want to be internally violated by a toilet while its spraying essence of vanilla around the room and blasting Slayer at you?
ReplyCan't wait to get my hands on one of these babies!
ReplyI seriously want to buy a bidet and the seat warmer or tester for infections and stuff wouldn't bug me a bit. The other stuff doesn't really weird me out either but would not really be that cool to me. It's kind of like having extra apps on a phone you never use. Not sure why more Americans aren't into bidets though the cost seems a high deterrent. The Japanese have paved the way for the future for our bums.
ReplyBidets are for women and gays. Straight men use toilet paper, like God intended.
"Ahh oh god oh god oh god I burned my dick and I peed on the floor but mostly that first thing s**t heeeeeeelllllllp."
ReplyLaughed till my face hurt, thanks buch.
Too much potential for bi-terrorism with some of those. Someone's gonna rig that bidet to shoot a vial of virus and increase the water pressure to create an AIDS Douche that will infect the users. They'll probably also rig the Sound Princess or sphincter relaxer thing to say "YOU'VE GOT AIDS!"
ReplyTalking toilet - I think I could get used to it, and even program it for certain guests, if it were mine. If it were in random places (because not everyone will have one), I would say I would get the s**t scared out of me, but... Also, would you want to be known as 'the person who did the voice for the toilet'?
Reply6 - Bidet - Heck, I'll try it.
5 - Warming - I get uncomfortable if I use a toilet that someone -just- used, because of the warmth of it. Same with a bus, and some other seats.
4 - Deodorizing - Ever since I've heard and read that frangranced tampons and bath salts and such might not be the best things for the female nether-regions, I've mostly avoided them.
3 - Health measuring - I can appreciate the drug testing scare on that idea, especially if it could report you to someone. If it could -not- do that, I think I'd like that option. It would tell me if I could have an infection/std/liver failure or some such.
2 - Sound masker - If that sound machine thing is in use.. it's not covering up anything, really, because when that's running, everyone knows you're -trying- to cover something up. We know you're peeing/shitting, it's natural, just get it done.
1 - Sphincter relaxation music - I just play Tetris on my phone. Let it happen when it does. No one's going to rush me, damnit :D