Everyone loves a boner, except for Glenn Close, who is completely sexless and has no use for erections at all. For the rest of us, the act of either giving or receiving a boner is like Christmas, two days a year. Why, I remember every year on my father's birthday around 10 p.m. I'd hear a hearty "Erk!" from my parents' room and then the next day my dad would whistle a jaunty sea shanty and my mother wouldn't make eye contact with me.
The downside of boners, if you had to think of one, would be their innate selfishness. Where are our altruistic boners? Where are our mighty loads of giving and caring? Where is the spooge of love and brotherhood? The answer is here, friends. So pull up a boner and read on!
#5. PornHub for Breast Cancer
Statistics show that everyone watches porn thrice per day. Thrice. You have a window open right now with porn in it, don't you? Please indicate in the comments what manner of porn it is, unless it's gross. If you feel that my stats are suspect, I invite you to read these even more terrifyingly awesome real statistics, which indicate that the biggest porn site on the web, XVideos.com, gets 4.4 billion hits per month. It streams 1 terabyte of data every second. Only insane sites like Google and Facebook pull in more traffic. Youporn, which ranks second to XVideos, is still about six times the size of Hulu. And then there's PornHub.
With 2.5 billion views a month, PornHub is a busy place, and in October of 2012, they decided to be good Samaritans by offering up money for a good cause. For every viewer who checked out some porn featuring boobies, PornHub would donate cash to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. The official deal was one cent for every 30 views of videos in the big or small boobies categories. As an aside, there's such a thing as small boobies porn? Please explain.
In their official press release, PornHub assured us all that it didn't matter if you liked a nice handful of "low-swinging flapjacks" because they were all for charity. And thank God, because low-swinging flapjacks do not get enough love these days. Maybe they get batted around like an ape playing with a tire on a swing, but have you ever thought that looking at them would help treat cancer? Of course not.
By the end of the month, PornHub had raised $25,000, which isn't much, but it's better than a slap in the flapjacks. Susan G. Komen and her cronies, however, were all "This exploitative porn money isn't cool" and rejected any involvement, leaving PornHub to find a new charity to accept their cash. Meanwhile, the rest of us are forced to wonder if a site that so freely slaps around the word "flapjacks" is really the place to be raising money for a serious health issue that affects women when their bread and butter seems to be bukkake.
#4. Toys for Ta-Tas
Every year in December, as the weather turns colder and our nipples turn harder, the spirit of the season overtakes us, and our thoughts turn to boobies. So many boobies. Or in this case, ta-tas. The annual Toys for Ta-Tas charity drive takes place at numerous strip clubs around the country and is basically a more selfish version of the old Toys for Tots campaign. While Toys for Tots wanted you to donate a toy to a needy child, the obvious problem was that no one got to see tits, and if you're giving for a charitable cause, shouldn't you get to see tits? Didn't Jesus say that like five times in the Bible?
"Giveth unto the least of my brothers your charity, that thou shalt forever after see the grace and beauty of these glorious boobs, and that thou mayest maybe juggle them at some point, which thou will findeth most pleasurable."
Yeah, that's what Jesus said. Later there's a part about how awesome burritos are and how Brett Ratner can suck a dick. It's all in Galatians. No one ever reads Galatians.
Anyway, you bring in a new, unwrapped toy, because if it's wrapped we're going to be forced to assume that it's a bloody, semen-encrusted bottle of Scotch and PCP, and you get a free dance from a stripper, or maybe they just shake the goods in your direction for a predetermined length of time while you smile and reflect on what a good person you are for helping the unfortunate people of your town. And the stripper will be naked when she does it! Oh man, that's the best kind of stripping, the naked kind.
In Tampa, Florida, their annual drive brings in over 1,000 toys a year for needy kids in the area. The drive in Columbus, Ohio, brings in hundreds of toys and thousands of dollars and shakes twos of boobs in the faces of everyone who shows up. Tiny Tim would shed a tear. Possibly some other fluids. No one in any news reports I've found ever mentions if the kids who received the toys are told where they came from, or if any of the kids, upon hearing where the toys came from, ask for a look at some boobs themselves, but I like to think it's happened once or twice.
Many of these events have been going on for 10 years or more and in the past drew protests, until everyone involved realized that boobs are great and by protesting them, all you're doing is hefting a sign in your neighborhood that proclaims you a mighty twat. So very mighty. Plus how can you be opposed to poor kids getting toys and poor dudes getting boobs? What kind of monster are you?
#3. Erotica Will Save the World
In Japan, everything is Japanese. Also, things tend to operate a little differently than they do over here. For instance, our boob charities (as we've seen) focus on showing you boobs or, well, that's it. In Japan, if you want to raise money for a cause, say AIDS awareness, what you do is allow many strange and weird men to pay an amount of money that no news site was able to actually publish, have them sanitize their hands, and then let them squeeze some boobies.
But don't worry, it wasn't weird. Only one boob per hand, mister, and only two squeezes per payment. Don't you dare flex those fingers a third time. No official word was given on the subjects of bopping, juggling or giggle-shaking.
During the event, which was broadcast live on the Internet, participants were allowed to pay and line up again if they didn't get all their squeezin's in one sitting, and then after maybe they could buy some porn DVDs or participate in a masturbation marathon, because nothing says charity quite like paying to masturbate in public with people you don't know. Mother Theresa would not like me to finish this thought. But you would. I know you would. Mmm.
My research failed at turning up how much money the event raised, but since the world is still here, we can assume that they raised enough to save it from Gamera or whoever it might be that causes AIDS in Japan.