The 5 Most Poorly Conceived 'Sexy' Charity Drives
Everyone loves a boner, except for Glenn Close, who is completely sexless and has no use for erections at all. For the rest of us, the act of either giving or receiving a boner is like Christmas, two days a year. Why, I remember every year on my father's birthday around 10 p.m. I'd hear a hearty "Erk!" from my parents' room and then the next day my dad would whistle a jaunty sea shanty and my mother wouldn't make eye contact with me.
The downside of boners, if you had to think of one, would be their innate selfishness. Where are our altruistic boners? Where are our mighty loads of giving and caring? Where is the spooge of love and brotherhood? The answer is here, friends. So pull up a boner and read on!
PornHub for Breast Cancer
Statistics show that everyone watches porn thrice per day. Thrice. You have a window open right now with porn in it, don't you? Please indicate in the comments what manner of porn it is, unless it's gross. If you feel that my stats are suspect, I invite you to read these even more terrifyingly awesome real statistics, which indicate that the biggest porn site on the web, XVideos.com, gets 4.4 billion hits per month. It streams 1 terabyte of data every second. Only insane sites like Google and Facebook pull in more traffic. Youporn, which ranks second to XVideos, is still about six times the size of Hulu. And then there's PornHub.
With 2.5 billion views a month, PornHub is a busy place, and in October of 2012, they decided to be good Samaritans by offering up money for a good cause. For every viewer who checked out some porn featuring boobies, PornHub would donate cash to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. The official deal was one cent for every 30 views of videos in the big or small boobies categories. As an aside, there's such a thing as small boobies porn? Please explain.
In their official press release, PornHub assured us all that it didn't matter if you liked a nice handful of "low-swinging flapjacks" because they were all for charity. And thank God, because low-swinging flapjacks do not get enough love these days. Maybe they get batted around like an ape playing with a tire on a swing, but have you ever thought that looking at them would help treat cancer? Of course not.
By the end of the month, PornHub had raised $25,000, which isn't much, but it's better than a slap in the flapjacks. Susan G. Komen and her cronies, however, were all "This exploitative porn money isn't cool" and rejected any involvement, leaving PornHub to find a new charity to accept their cash. Meanwhile, the rest of us are forced to wonder if a site that so freely slaps around the word "flapjacks" is really the place to be raising money for a serious health issue that affects women when their bread and butter seems to be bukkake.
Toys for Ta-Tas
Every year in December, as the weather turns colder and our nipples turn harder, the spirit of the season overtakes us, and our thoughts turn to boobies. So many boobies. Or in this case, ta-tas. The annual Toys for Ta-Tas charity drive takes place at numerous strip clubs around the country and is basically a more selfish version of the old Toys for Tots campaign. While Toys for Tots wanted you to donate a toy to a needy child, the obvious problem was that no one got to see tits, and if you're giving for a charitable cause, shouldn't you get to see tits? Didn't Jesus say that like five times in the Bible?
"Giveth unto the least of my brothers your charity, that thou shalt forever after see the grace and beauty of these glorious boobs, and that thou mayest maybe juggle them at some point, which thou will findeth most pleasurable."
Yeah, that's what Jesus said. Later there's a part about how awesome burritos are and how Brett Ratner can suck a dick. It's all in Galatians. No one ever reads Galatians.
Anyway, you bring in a new, unwrapped toy, because if it's wrapped we're going to be forced to assume that it's a bloody, semen-encrusted bottle of Scotch and PCP, and you get a free dance from a stripper, or maybe they just shake the goods in your direction for a predetermined length of time while you smile and reflect on what a good person you are for helping the unfortunate people of your town. And the stripper will be naked when she does it! Oh man, that's the best kind of stripping, the naked kind.
In Tampa, Florida, their annual drive brings in over 1,000 toys a year for needy kids in the area. The drive in Columbus, Ohio, brings in hundreds of toys and thousands of dollars and shakes twos of boobs in the faces of everyone who shows up. Tiny Tim would shed a tear. Possibly some other fluids. No one in any news reports I've found ever mentions if the kids who received the toys are told where they came from, or if any of the kids, upon hearing where the toys came from, ask for a look at some boobs themselves, but I like to think it's happened once or twice.
Many of these events have been going on for 10 years or more and in the past drew protests, until everyone involved realized that boobs are great and by protesting them, all you're doing is hefting a sign in your neighborhood that proclaims you a mighty twat. So very mighty. Plus how can you be opposed to poor kids getting toys and poor dudes getting boobs? What kind of monster are you?
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Erotica Will Save the World
In Japan, everything is Japanese. Also, things tend to operate a little differently than they do over here. For instance, our boob charities (as we've seen) focus on showing you boobs or, well, that's it. In Japan, if you want to raise money for a cause, say AIDS awareness, what you do is allow many strange and weird men to pay an amount of money that no news site was able to actually publish, have them sanitize their hands, and then let them squeeze some boobies.
But don't worry, it wasn't weird. Only one boob per hand, mister, and only two squeezes per payment. Don't you dare flex those fingers a third time. No official word was given on the subjects of bopping, juggling or giggle-shaking.
During the event, which was broadcast live on the Internet, participants were allowed to pay and line up again if they didn't get all their squeezin's in one sitting, and then after maybe they could buy some porn DVDs or participate in a masturbation marathon, because nothing says charity quite like paying to masturbate in public with people you don't know. Mother Theresa would not like me to finish this thought. But you would. I know you would. Mmm.
My research failed at turning up how much money the event raised, but since the world is still here, we can assume that they raised enough to save it from Gamera or whoever it might be that causes AIDS in Japan.
The Masturbate-a-thon is not my Friday night, nor is it a weekend with 90 percent of everyone on Craigslist. It's a real event that has been going on for over a decade in which people gather and just pound on their junk like gutter children fighting over stray sausages. While logic dictates that this probably happens frequently at certain frat houses and retirement homes, in terms of the -thon itself, it's to raise money for women's health and HIV prevention.
At this point, you're probably thinking either "gross" or "What a good idea!" But you may also be wondering where money comes from when you're masturbating, and if you're anything like me, no matter how many times you turn that crank, dollar bills do not fly out when you're finished. So who exactly is footing the bill for this? We can only guess. Hopefully it's like a charity walk and local businesses are sponsoring their favorite masturbator in the hopes that he or she can go the distance. This also brings up a secondary concern -- can men and women compete against one another? It seems unfair to suggest that a man has the ability to masturbate competitively against a woman, as, for all intents and purposes, if a woman still has muscle control in her arms, she can at least appear to be masturbating, while a man's physiology will fail him like a windsock in a sealed room.
World records have been set at the Masturbate-a-thon, too, because that's interesting and weird to keep track of. In 2012, a new wanking record was set by a dude who managed to keep choke-slamming Patrick Stewart for 10 hours and 10 minutes. The chafing that must have occurred boggles the mind.
A distance record was also set this year, but that's super gross and I will not speak of it further.
Fuck for Forest
Back in the day, everyone cared about the rainforests, but then cooler and more topical environmental disasters took over, and now everyone loves polar bears and oil spills, and no one cares if the rainforests get plowed into Walmarts, because really, aren't they just home to filthy poo-slinging monkeys and indigenous peoples too foolish to have even invented iPhones? Silly locals.
Keeping the rainforests at the forefront of people's minds, Fuck for Forest is a group of people who want to fuck. For the forest. The world's first non-profit ecological erotica organization, FFF produces and sells porn and uses the profits to help mother Earth, who you must assume is a MILF. There's no trick like with PETA, which only pretends to be dirty but never has the balls to follow through. If you go to the FFF website right now, it'll take you less than 30 seconds to find a photo of a girl with dreadlocks exposing her butthole to you. Right in color! In the woods! If PETA really cared about chicken nuggets and goat abuse, they'd have buttholes all over their website, but they don't. Poseurs.
In their first year, Fuck for Forest raised $100,000 to help preserve the rainforests through the sale of paid memberships. People are willing to pay a good deal of money to watch tactless hippies bone just about anywhere. I once paid a bald chick on the bus $10 to slap me and tell me I'd never amount to anything, but of course that story isn't relevant now, so I won't tell it.
Their website and videos are worth a look, especially if you've never seen a grungy Euro hippie in a wheelchair get naked and put on a tiger mask. If you have seen that, then I like the cut of your jib, and I think we need to hang out. Message me, we'll go out for samosas.
Curiously, all the men involved are as disgusting as the men from mainstream North American porno and thus give you the sense that you wouldn't want to even shake their hands, let alone have sex with them, while the women seem just keen. We have to assume that porn is therefore legislated under some secret U.N. convention to ensure that no men who don't look like disheveled street people, cartoon villains or the inspiration for the term "douchebag" may ever be caught on camera humping, no matter the reason behind it.
Check out more from Felix in Donald Trump's 4 Most Hilarious Attempts at a Good Idea. Or check out 5 Inspiring Religions That Worship Penises.