5 Insane Supervillain Schemes by Real Governments 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Breeding Endangered Animals 4 Lame Jokes You Start Telling as Soon as You Become a Dad
Cracked Columnists

The 5 Luckiest Accidents That Scientists Passed Off as Skill

This might come as some surprise, given everything Cracked has written about them, but it turns out that not every scientist is evil.

Creatas/Getty Images
Just most of them.

Indeed, thanks to professional organizations, and peer pressure, and even good old-fashioned legal justice, most scientists conduct their work within certain well-established sets of ethical limits. And sure, sometimes those limits are wildly overstepped, but for the most part there's enough incentives in the system to keep scientists from going too crazy.

But imagine now that you're a scientist, and you just thought of something really fucking crazy. Like an experiment that will only work if you irradiate half the planet. You obviously can't do that, or at least you can't get caught doing that. Your only option then is to look around to see if someone's already done the crazy part for you, to find some serendipitous accident of man or nature that left a perfectly designed experiment in its wake. Something like ...

#5. Nuclear Weapons Testing Dumps Radioactive Tracers in the Air

Oh, did you think I was kidding about how crazy science sometimes is?

Creatas/Getty Images
How crazy it needs to be?

This all goes back to the 1950s, when whipping nuclear weapons into the atmosphere and seeing what happened was what all of the really cool governments were doing.

Digital Vision/Getty Images
You weren't getting invited to any boy-girl parties if you didn't.

All of this nuclear heavy petting had the minor side effect of spreading radioactive isotopes across half the world. It became absorbed into plants, animals, and basically every other part of the food chain, and if you were alive at the time, you were at least a little bit radioactive. Eventually the world collectively said "holy shit," and in 1963 everyone agreed to stop doing this.

The Experiment:

And so everything ticked along just fine. Eventually, after a few decades passed, and humanity had mutated into whatever we are now ...

Creatas/Getty Images
Fatter, I guess.

... some scientists wanted to find out how fast fat cells are created and replaced in humans. One great way to do this in test animals is to feed them irradiated food, which contains a specific radioactive marker called carbon-14, and then count how the irradiated fat cells appear and degrade over time. Doing this in humans would be great, except, you know, morals.

At this point they realized that anyone alive in the era of nuclear weapons testing would have already eaten food massively irradiated with carbon-14. Last week we talked about how this fact was exploited by forensic scientists to solve crimes. But the same hilarious bit of mass poisoning could also be used to study the life-cycle of human fat cells, by literally measuring how radioactive people's asses were.

AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Employing what I can only a imagine was a well-lubed Geiger counter. And a smile.

#4. Cholera Attacks Random London Neighborhoods

Until about 1990 or so, cities were basically the worst places in the world. For all the economic benefits high density living allowed, for the actual humans who had to live in them, cities basically meant that they would be exposed to a lot more of their own smells and poops than they might otherwise prefer.

Wikimedia Commons
"Landlord! Open thy window and thus dyminysh this reek of ass."

Even by the 19th century, when things weren't as bad as they'd once been (they'd stopped pooping directly in the center of the street, for one), people would still fall down dead at a moment's notice for no obvious reason. In 1854, for example, a cholera epidemic swept across London, attacking Londoners seemingly at random. The dominant theory at the time was that plagues and diseases of this nature were spread by "miasmas" or "bad air."

The Experiment:

A physician by the name of John Snow noticed that certain buildings and areas within London were very badly hit by cholera, but that their neighbors were often left untouched. He wondered if there might be something to this, and began mapping out the areas that had been most affected. Some order began to appear in the randomness, and indeed it did look like some buildings were getting hit harder than others.

Wikimedia Commons

A little more investigation revealed that the buildings where lots of people were getting cholera were all getting their drinking water supplied by a particular water company. A water company that just happened to have its intake located in the Thames, downstream of where the city had recently started dumping its shit.

Wikimedia Commons
Discount Shitty Water Co., presumably.

This helped prove that cholera was spread by polluted drinking water and not by foul air, or evil spirits, or premarital hand-holding, or whatever the current state-of-the-art Victorian medicine was going to come up with next.

#3. The Islands of the Tortoises

You've heard of the Galapagos Islands, certainly, although you might not be sure why or how. It had something to do with evolution? It was where Charles Darwin invented evolution, right? Yeah, that's it. Charles Darwin visited the Galapagos Islands and invented evolution, prior to which all the species remained static and unchanged throughout time.

Creatas/Getty Images
"Dammit, Mr. Bucholz. You might be a lost cause, but please don't make the whole class dumber."

OK, enough stupidity.

Creatas/Getty Images
"I want to believe you, Mr. Bucholz, I really do."

Let's first quickly run down some of the interesting features these particular islands have. Like the fact that they're islands, for one. That might seem obvious, but the implications are far-ranging. Animals living on any one of these islands wouldn't likely visit another island, thus turning each island into its own little ecosystem. Also, and perhaps even more importantly, the Galapagos were remote, distant enough from humans (especially Europeans) so that by the time Darwin finally reached it, the islands had yet to be polluted with humans or their garbage or their mongrel, halfbreed animals.

Jupiterimages/Creatas/Getty Images

The Experiment:

And it was those features that turned the Galapagos Islands into a perfect environment in which to discover the effects of evolution. Darwin didn't finally button down evolution until years later (and he had some help), but it was his visit to the Galapagos that inspired him to seriously consider the possibility of species changing over time, after he observed the completely unique yet oddly similar species that populated the islands there.

Wikimedia Commons
He also shot and killed a shit-ton of them, but that was how science was done back then.

What Darwin would eventually conclude was that each island, isolated from both South America and the other islands in the chain, allowed the various birds and turtles to change in unique ways, via the process of natural selection. It's the same process that happens everywhere else on the planet, but the birds and turtles of the Galapagos made it clear in a way nowhere else on the planet could.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Chris Bucholz

  • Rss

More by Chris Bucholz:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

374 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!