This might come as some surprise, given everything Cracked has written about them, but it turns out that not every scientist is evil.
Just most of them.
Indeed, thanks to professional organizations, and peer pressure, and even good old-fashioned legal justice, most scientists conduct their work within certain well-established sets of ethical limits. And sure, sometimes those limits are wildly overstepped, but for the most part there's enough incentives in the system to keep scientists from going too crazy.
But imagine now that you're a scientist, and you just thought of something really fucking crazy. Like an experiment that will only work if you irradiate half the planet. You obviously can't do that, or at least you can't get caught doing that. Your only option then is to look around to see if someone's already done the crazy part for you, to find some serendipitous accident of man or nature that left a perfectly designed experiment in its wake. Something like ...
5Nuclear Weapons Testing Dumps Radioactive Tracers in the Air
Oh, did you think I was kidding about how crazy science sometimes is?
How crazy it needs to be?
This all goes back to the 1950s, when whipping nuclear weapons into the atmosphere and seeing what happened was what all of the really cool governments were doing.
Digital Vision/Getty Images
You weren't getting invited to any boy-girl parties if you didn't.
All of this nuclear heavy petting had the minor side effect of spreading radioactive isotopes across half the world. It became absorbed into plants, animals, and basically every other part of the food chain, and if you were alive at the time, you were at least a little bit radioactive. Eventually the world collectively said "holy shit," and in 1963 everyone agreed to stop doing this.
And so everything ticked along just fine. Eventually, after a few decades passed, and humanity had mutated into whatever we are now ...
Fatter, I guess.
... some scientists wanted to find out how fast fat cells are created and replaced in humans. One great way to do this in test animals is to feed them irradiated food, which contains a specific radioactive marker called carbon-14, and then count how the irradiated fat cells appear and degrade over time. Doing this in humans would be great, except, you know, morals.
At this point they realized that anyone alive in the era of nuclear weapons testing would have already eaten food massively irradiated with carbon-14. Last week we talked about how this fact was exploited by forensic scientists to solve crimes. But the same hilarious bit of mass poisoning could also be used to study the life-cycle of human fat cells, by literally measuring how radioactive people's asses were.
Employing what I can only a imagine was a well-lubed Geiger counter. And a smile.
4Cholera Attacks Random London Neighborhoods
Until about 1990 or so, cities were basically the worst places in the world. For all the economic benefits high density living allowed, for the actual humans who had to live in them, cities basically meant that they would be exposed to a lot more of their own smells and poops than they might otherwise prefer.
"Landlord! Open thy window and thus dyminysh this reek of ass."
Even by the 19th century, when things weren't as bad as they'd once been (they'd stopped pooping directly in the center of the street, for one), people would still fall down dead at a moment's notice for no obvious reason. In 1854, for example, a cholera epidemic swept across London, attacking Londoners seemingly at random. The dominant theory at the time was that plagues and diseases of this nature were spread by "miasmas" or "bad air."
A physician by the name of John Snow noticed that certain buildings and areas within London were very badly hit by cholera, but that their neighbors were often left untouched. He wondered if there might be something to this, and began mapping out the areas that had been most affected. Some order began to appear in the randomness, and indeed it did look like some buildings were getting hit harder than others.
A little more investigation revealed that the buildings where lots of people were getting cholera were all getting their drinking water supplied by a particular water company. A water company that just happened to have its intake located in the Thames, downstream of where the city had recently started dumping its shit.
Discount Shitty Water Co., presumably.
This helped prove that cholera was spread by polluted drinking water and not by foul air, or evil spirits, or premarital hand-holding, or whatever the current state-of-the-art Victorian medicine was going to come up with next.