5 Filthy Jokes You (And the Censors) Missed in Famous Movies

There's no greater pleasure in life than tricking people into watching smut. Although you have to be smart about it. Inserting, say, an out-of-nowhere dick pic into the middle of a movie would technically accomplish the job, but there's just no finesse to it. No, you have to make the filth a sneaky and (above all else) integral part of your work. Then, when it slips undetected into the audience's mind, that's when you know you've won. A good example would be how the first letters of the previous sentences spell out the word "taint." And from the world of movies, we have such great examples of stealth naughtiness as ...

#5. The Avengers: Loki Calls Black Widow a C**t

Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

Is there anything new that can be said about The Avengers, one of the most talked-about movies of the last few years? Yes, there is: "Joss Whedon's boner."

Jason Merritt/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
(This caption intentionally left blank.)

What I mean by that is that I'm pretty sure Whedon had a throbbing erection while filming parts of the movie, specifically during all those close-ups of Black Widow's feet, because as I pointed out before, it's pretty obvious that the man has a massive foot fetish. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Nor does it diminish the director's claims that he's a feminist, which is why I know he'd appreciate the following, gender-equalizing segue from talking about dicks to the topic of female genitalia in The Avengers.

The Dirt:

About halfway through the film, Tom Hiddleston's Loki gets captured by S.H.I.E.L.D. and locked up in a glass cell, because fuck it, every calculating, intelligent villain has to be a reference to Hannibal Lecter.

Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
Tom Hannibalston.

While he's in the cell, Black Widow approaches Loki and asks him to stop mind-controlling Hawkeye. The Norse god responds to this by ingesting 20 cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti and going on a verbal diarrhea monologue where he insults and taunts Black Widow about her pathetic sentimentality before ultimately calling her a "mewling quim." If you don't know what a "quim" is, then you and my spell check have at least one thing in common. But a quick Google search reveals that the word is actually a British synonym for "female genitalia," specifically the term for it that begins with a "C" and rhymes with "Hold on, did Loki just call Black Widow a 'c**t?!'"

Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
No, he called her a "whining c**t." Please pay attention.

The best thing about this sneaky cursing is probably how fitting it was for the character delivering it. After all, Marvel's Loki is kind of a dick who sounds like an angry Victorian gentleman getting a subpar handjob during his daily dictionary reading, so it'd actually make sense for him to drop a "sophisticated" British C-bomb. No wonder then that Whedon considers getting that line past the censors to be his "greatest achievement." Sort of like how my greatest achievement was secretly hyperlinking a picture of gay horse sex in the second "o" of "foot fetish" in the second paragraph.

#4. Mrs. Doubtfire: Robin Williams Jokes About Eating Foreskin

20th Century Fox

Mrs. Doubtfire always reminded me of my old school bully, because it hit me way harder than I ever let on. On the surface, it looked like a silly comedy in which Robin Williams wore a dress, but beneath its juvenile humor was actually a heartbreaking story about a dad going to crazy lengths to be with his kids. Mrs. Doubtfire also had a surprisingly deep message about how divorce doesn't mean that people just stop being a family, which you really wouldn't expect from a movie that coined the word "Rumpleforeskin."

The Dirt:

Speaking of foreskin: Early on in the movie, we see Robin Williams trying out a number of different woman disguises, including a babushka-wearing Jewish grandmother who delivers the line: "I should never buy gribenes from a mohel. It's so chewy!"

20th Century Fox
"I don't know ... I want to try the Jamaican maid again. You got any more of that shoe polish?"

The line of course is completely irrelevant to the plot. It was just some random Yiddish that Williams' character was testing out for his Mrs. Doubtfire prototype, no different than, say, "I should never bagel yarmulke from a mazel tov." Well, except that, in the original line, Robin Williams is actually joking about putting fried penis skin into his mouth.

It unfortunately turns out that "gribenes" are chicken/goose skin cracklings, and a "mohel" is the guy who performs traditional Jewish circumcision. Put it all together, add the "chewy" part of Williams' dialogue, and you end up with the most horrific penis joke in a family comedy ever, hidden behind a firewall of Yiddish. You probably also end up with the horrible realization that you might never get an erection ever again.

20th Century Fox
Actually, let's go ahead and change that "might" to "will."

#3. Beauty and the Beast: The Feather Duster Maid Gets Violently Stripped

Disney, Buena Vista Pictures

Who would you say is the sexiest Disney character? Oh, and feel free to shout out your answers. Don't worry, they will eventually get to me, and when they do, they will be totally wrong, because the sexiest Disney character has always been the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast.

Disney, Buena Vista Pictures
What? Her standards are super low. That counts for a lot with me.

The reason why I've picked her is because, in her human form, the character is basically a sexy French maid centerfold that likes to fondle herself in public.

Disney, Buena Vista Pictures
See, it's because she's holding a feather duster and ... Jesus,
I'm glad my grandmother doesn't know enough English to read these articles.

But even as a feather duster, the character is constantly depicted with that coquettish, sultry smirk that seems to say: "I'm not wearing any underwear." And that's not just me being my typical perverted self. Other characters in the movie were clearly thinking the same thing, seeing as ...

The Dirt:

At one point, a guy actually tries to rip off the feather duster maid's skirt, presumably to get a good look at what's underneath.

Disney, Buena Vista Pictures
Hey, it's the only way he'll get to see a pussy outside of a mirror.

The scene happens right before the finale, when Gaston Noncestoui storms Beast's castle with an angry mob. During the assault, we see a bunch of villagers going against the castle's staff, including a quick sequence of the enchanted maid getting her feathers pulled out by one of the attackers, before she's saved by Lumiere. And I'm just going to say it: He probably saved her from being raped.

I mean, the maid's feathers are obviously supposed to be her skirt, so pulling them out would be the same as stripping the character naked. Now, does that categorically imply sexual assault? Not necessarily, but the guy's super rapey face during the ordeal sure as hell does.

Disney, Buena Vista Pictures
It also basically makes this scene the old-timey version of a guy trying to stick his dick in the vacuum cleaner.

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Cezary Jan Strusiewicz

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