Tales To Tell 'Round Midnight: Flight Of The Witchmonster Dragon's Head
Tommy "Twommy" Jim could have easily been described as a normal boy. Unfortunately, the Narrator was forced to make things much more complicated. Tommy Jim was the song of Mommy and Reginald Jim. Mommy, of course, was the father. The mother, Reginald, was as beautiful as her gender was apparent. Now, you may think that the Editor simply missed the word "song" a few sentences back. You assume it was meant to be "son." That is not the case, at least for the moment, because before they had little Tommy, Reginald and Mommy were in three separate prog rock bands. Each band had only one song each, and all three songs were called "Tommy Jim: The Son We Want." Each song was exactly the same, lyrically. Eventually the couple had their boy; broke up two of the three bands; and named their new son "Tommy," in that order. The Narrator, having successfully complicated things and probably used semicolons correctly, moves on.
Tommy's nickname was "Twommy."
"Don't call me Twommy," Tommy would say, but his parents would just laugh hilariously to themselves.
"But that's your nickname, Twommy," his parents would reply in unison. They somehow managed to not be creepy about it, which made things that much more creepy.
School was a thing that Tommy enjoyed. His love for knowledge was that of a basketball, meaning that Tommy very much enjoyed playing and thinking about basketball. He could do without the rest of school, really, although if he could take Classketball, he would be all about it. Sadly, they did not offer that at his particular school.
Tommy's school was not really an elementary school, despite still being for children. "Kid College" would be the best way to describe it, although that's not what they call it. I dare not say the name, for you see the name is unspeakable in human tongues. Also it's cursed and slightly haunted, so if you say the name out loud or type the name out loud, you're bound to be doomed to trip all the time and you'll occasionally have to hang out with some ghost. The school's average attendance was-
"Enough about the school," the Narrator pleads, as he is well aware of the fact that the school is never actually visited in the story.
Tommy kissed his parents goodbye as he left for school.
"Have fun at school today, Twommy," The boy's parents scolded, lightheartedly.
Tommy ignored their barely identifiable tone, told them to please not call him "Twommy," and left hurriedly towards his bus stop.
His bus arrived just like normal and came to a halt and the bus driver deployed the bus's stop sign.
"Son!" came a shout from Tommy's house, and Tommy turned quickly to discover the logical source of that shout, his parents. They were waving happily at Tommy from the porch, mugs of parent water in the hand that was not busy waving. Suddenly, though, the waving stopped, and a look of horror and disgust appeared on their faces.
"Have fun at school today, Tommy," they told him.
Tommy was so pleased that they did not call him "Twommy," he seemed to miss his parents' unmistakably ominous mood swing.
"Okay, thanks!" Tommy shouted and turned again.
Looking back at the school bus, he made particular note that nothing was out of the ordinary. He walked up to the bus's doors and entered what he perceived to be his bus. As he sat down in what he knew to be his normal seat, Tommy began to wonder why he was making such a point to notice how this was definitely his regular bus.
"Keep it down!" shouted the bus driver.
Wondering whom was being shouted at, Tommy took a look around the rest of the definitely his bus. To his surprise, he and the bus driver were the only two people in the vehicle. For the first time, Tommy suspected this may not be his bus.
"Is this Bus #12?" Tommy asked politely.
The bus driver told Tommy to fuck off, which is always something the bus drivers said, so Tommy's suspicions subsided momentarily.
"Just kidding," said the bus driver.
"Alright," Tommy began, his suspicions returning, "What's goin' on here?"
"Nothing a little button-pressing won't fix," explained the bus driver.
"What?"
"Press that button," explained the bus driver a little better.
Tommy looked at the front of his seat to find a button that had never been there before. Little did he know, the button had always been there. He had just never been on this particular bus. Tommy pressed the button anyway.
The bus began to shake more than usual, as if it were not a bus at all but was actually some kind of shake machine specially designed to shake, like, a lot. Tommy was not into it at all, but he kept his mouth shut. He did not want to be told to fuck off again, and his mouth was suddenly forced shut by some sort of mouth-shutting machine that seemed to operate in tandem with the shake machine/bus.
"Sit back and enjoy the ride," quoth the bus driver as the bus finished transforming into a badass partially-organic space ship.
"Whfid isnfl prffff?" asked Tommy's shut mouth.
"Oh, this?" the bus driver asked, gesturing to the interior of the badass space ship.
"Welcome," the bus driver continued as the music swelled, "To the Witchmonster Dragon's Head."
Tommy silently sat, staring at the bus driver.
"It's a space ship," the bus driver clarified, his arms flying about as he steered the great beast.
Tommy would have reacted more than just passing out but before he could, he passed out.
***************************
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" came an enormous bellow from all sides, snapping Tommy out of his slumber. The spaceship began to jolt to and fro as Tommy jolted to and fro along with it. Still groggy, Tommy could not quite see clearly, but he was almost sure that he was now the only one on the ship.
"Take the wheel, boy!" came another bellow from all sides.
Tommy reached up and realized his mouth was no longer shut for him. He had a full range of motion for all aspects of his being. Yes, it seemed like today was shaping up quite well for our little hero. He stood up and walked to the front of the badass space ship.
"Is that you?" Tommy asked the ether.
"Is what who?" came a third enormous bellow.
"That voice. Your voice. Are you the ship?"
"Yeah, kid" said the Witchmonster Dragon's Head. "Sorry I don't have much time for chit-chat."
"Awww," Awed a very disappointed Tommy. "Why not?"
"Look outside, kid," bellowed the ship.
Tommy obliged and glanced outside and-
"HOLY SHIT!" Tommy exclaimed upon seeing the terrifying death maze all around them. "WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!"
"We're not gonna die, kid," the ship bellowed softly. "You just need to take the wheel."
"What?!? Why?"
The ship took another hit from a Terrifying Space-Death Thing and sparks flew inside the cockpit.
"The old Twommy's gone, kid," The Witchmonster Dragon's Head explained. "He was washed up, looking for a replacement."
"Excuse me?"
"You're the new him, kid. You're in charge."
A Terrifying Space-Death Thing crashed into the side of the ship, causing Important Circuitry to not work as well as normal.
"No," Tommy corrected himself. "I mean 'Excuse me, the old what is gone?'"
"The old Twommy," replied the Witchmonster Dragon's Head. "That's what we call captains here."
"The thing is, Witchmonster Dragon's Head... I've always sort of hated people calling me that. Even my parents."
"Well, it's just a name, kid. I suggest you get over it quickly. I got no pilot. We don't have long."
Another Terrifying Space-Death Thing smacked the Witchmonster Dragon's Head right in the side of the head, almost assuring a terrifying space death. Tommy began to go over his options as The Narrator began to lament the outcome of this tale. The ship and Tommy "Twommy" Jim could have easily become friends. They could have become partners. If Tommy had just taken the Witchmonster Dragon's Head's wheel, everything could have turned out fine and their interstellar adventures would have just begun. Maybe Tommy would have been cool with being called "Twommy." He might have even started calling the Witchmonster Dragon's Head "Dubbya D.H." as a sign of their friendship.
"It's a shame," the Narrator laments.
"I'll do it!' Tommy exclaimed, as Dubbya D.H. blew up and they both died.
***************************
Back at the very dead Tommy's house, his parents were sitting at the kitchen table and sipping on some evil tea.
"Would you like to have band practice?" asked Mommy, the father.
"I don't particularly enjoy our one song," Reginald replied, her hideous breasts heaving with delight.
"Me neither," Mommy agreed.
"Well, what would you like to do?" Reginald asked her husband.
"I want to put my penis in your vagina, Reginald," Mommy told her.
"Good, because I'm already super wet," said Reginald.
"To Twommy," they toasted, and then they fucked like demons, which is what they turned out to be.
To Be Ended...The End
All the tales round' midnight are awesome,....people who don't see the humor don't understand that he is trying to parody children horror books
Replyhaha ease up guys i though it was a decent article. cracked has a writers workshop thing for those that obviously think they can do better (looking at you 1111)
ReplyDear Cody,
ReplyI'm kinda new around here but some of the previous comments suggest that this is actually meant to be some sort of parody. If so, I have a some questions:
1)Is it therefore okay that I found this to be an unfunny and incoherent piece of crap that doesn't belong anywhere near the truly funny, often brilliant, stuff I usually get from the Cracked staff? 'Cause if that's what you were going for you definitely succeeded.
2)If that wasn't what you were going for and this is actually the best you can do, how the hell did you get a job where you're literally surrounded by some of the funniest comedy writers on the planet? Are you their drug supplier or something?
3)...That's it, isn't? That's the real reason they continue to let you submit these terrible columns week after week. Huh.
In light of this sudden epiphany, I'd actually like to thank you Cody. By making sure that the rest of the Cracked staff is at their most creative, most completely-f**ked-up-best at all times you are truly doing God's work. Or Satan's. Either way, keep it up.
Sincerely,
You Still Suck
Of course it's a parody, there is literally no one that retarded alive.
You didn't use the semicolons correctly; semicolons are used to separate independent clauses; they are used whenever the writer feels too cool for periods.
ReplySemicolons are also used when listing a series of items and one or more of the items already has commas in it. So, yeah, they were used correctly. You're still cool, though. Or at least too cool for periods.
It's also the name given to the rare symptom in which half your gut falls into the toilet.
I miss Twommy aweady.
ReplyWow Cody, you have more problems than I realized.
ReplyNice!
That has to be the most terrifyingly nonsnensical thing I have ever witnessed!
ReplyI know not making sense is kind of your thing when it comes to these stories, Cody, but what the f**k? this just raised the bar a thousand times
Reply..Okay. I normally don't like alot of your work, but this was just grade A cracked material. Well done!
Reply"Expression of appreciation," she supplied interrogatively.
Reply"I want to put my penis in your vagina, Reginald."
ReplyThat made my day.
That was brilliant!
Reply"“Have fun at school today, Twommy,” The boy’s parents scolded, lightheartedly.
Tommy ignored their barely identifiable tone"
I love this. So much.
I liked it.
Replyis it really that difficult for the people who dont like cody's work to just maybe.. not read it? one might suggest that they could simply read something else. perhaps they could read something they liked, instead. that definitely seems to make more sense. and it also might be less of a waste of their time. their precious little time.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesThink about it for a second; look at all of Cody's 'work'. Cody's posts and articles are often different, some are videos, some prose, some are something else completely. Its not about disliking the guy, its about seeing something different, reading it, giving it a shot/open mind and disliking it.
To talk of not reading something because they wont/don't like it? What happened to trying something before you tell people you dislike it?
Is it really that difficult for the people who don't like negative reviews of Cody's work to just maybe not read the comments? One might suggest that they could simply enjoy the article. Perhaps they could read something they like instead. That definitely seems to make more sense, and it also might be less of a waste of their time. They could also consider using this time to take a basic English class.
^Awesome
hey, KalosK, do you really have nothing better to do than sit around reviewing Cod's work, I mean, I don't because I an a total nerd, what's your excuse?
KalosK's time is very valuable, hence the ingenuity behind his/her comment. All you have to do is copy/paste someone else's comment, change a few key words, and presto! You're the coolest guy on the internet!
I have three testicles
man some people take real offense to having to look for their jokes, as opposed to them being in the form of a photo caption. Anyway, trying to dig, but it just says submit to digg (which i did - and it wasn't on their yet)
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThere are no jokes. This is just bad writing and then Cody trying to say "ha ha this is bad writing but I'm aware of it so it's not bad writing." Also, a good helping of LOL RANDOM to appeal to his 15 year-old fanbase.
Yeah that's what I was gonna say. It's like his whole style is "wouldn't it be funny if an article was written this badly?". That only works if you're able to write in a proper style too. But since all Cody's articles are written in this crap style, I can only conclude that he's crap at writing. I gave him a proper chance too, I've been reading his stuff for months, but there's only so much of that crap style you can take before it's just not funny anymore.
tinyweasel, are you trying to say that all of his articles are written in this style? have you read anything other than these tales? yes, they're clearly trying to be in a "bad style," but theyre a small percentage of what he puts out. Your "proper chance" is meaningless when youve clearly ignored everything but the one example of "crap style." unless you just think his normal style is crap, too, which is a matter of personal taste, i guess.
How long does it take to write a Cody article? let's see;
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesThe monstery monster
Fred was a monster. Not a monster in the sense that he was a bad human being like that monster who was on the news the other night, the one who did all that moster like stuff. He was a real monster. At this point the narrator realises that there aren't many clearly defined rules that make up what would qualify one monster to be a real monster, rather than a fake monster. Let's say Fred had horns. Yeh, horns seem monstery enough.
Fred had horns. Ergo he was a monster. Thankfully Fred lived in Monster town where most people were monsters. This was good for fred as it meant he wasn't bullied by people who lacked horns. In fact Fred took an active part in Bully the hornless element of the community.
"where are your horns flat head?" Fred would shout to the people in his school who lack the horns that he didn't lack.
"Why don't you get out of monster town you non-monster type person, who doesn't live up to my clearly defined version of what a monster should be". he would shout. "it means you have to have horns" he would also occassionaly add.
But one day Fred had an accident. Possibly involving a ghost, or maybe just another monster. It could have just been a rather unfortunate cycling accident, the narrator really doesn't know and doesn't expect anybody else to know as no one else is writing this story.
In all case he lost his horns. No wait lets go with the ghost reason because that's spookier. Fred lost his horns because a ghost stole them in revenge for something Fred or one of his close relatives had done in the past.
Fred was worried about the bullying he would recieve from the still horned monsters in monster town. In his horn days he would have certainly mocked anyone who was now in a post horned part of their lives and so would expect nothing less from the current pre-post-horned monster.
But everybody was nice to him because horns or not they were too busy being scared of were-wolves. So everything should have worked out for him. But his horn wounds went septic and he died.
Nobody attended the funeral because fred was a monster.
Like that guy on the news.
What a monster.
There we go 8 minutes. You suck Cody.
You fail at writing a Cody article, as your above ramblings had structure and some form of coherency, and it didn't make me want to scratch out my eyes or fall asleep after the second paragraph.
if your name wasn't a series of 1s I would give you immense credit for that.
Cody learn from your teacher here.
Don't pull this s**t again.
I'm sorry, but what you've done here is write a really uncreative, bland, and horrible version of what Cody does, which is creative, interesting, and good. You clearly don't get it or enjoy it, so why waste your time trying to prove a point that you haven't actually made? I'd say you suck, "series of 1's," but I don't actually know you.
111111, you suck.
This sir is just as hilarious Codys. Which was brilliant.
Probably because it just took 8 minutes.
But you do realize you just parodied a parody right?
111111:Win. If your entire style is parodying bad writing, to the point that you never write well, you're just a bad writer.
I have three testicles
Loved the last line. I love Cody's stuff. The End.
ReplyAbove is some of Cody's best stuff on cracked, tales to tell around midnight are awesome.
ReplyCody what are you doing in the Comments section under various aliases?
I don't understand how you cannot find this funny Siques? I agree that some of Cody's articles are bad, but his Tales to Tell Round Midnihgt and Gamer Helping Squad are articles I really anticipate. They're really funny.
Too incoherent to be funny. Where's the humor? Where's the point? There are none. Cody's just trolling his audience.
ReplyOr he's parodying poorly written horror novels, ie. 'point' fiction.
Alright, this will be my finest work ever.
Reply1. FIRST!!!1!!! (even though I'm not)
2. I didn't bother to read the article, Cody sucks and I want Swaim's man-gravy in me, on me, near me, etc. P.S. Cody sucks.
3. I think he misspelled a word or incorrectly used a phrase somewhere.
4. What about this other totally unrelated factoid on Wikipedia that I've decided is relevant because I'm here and you, like, have a life and are doing something other than grafting yourself to the computer?
5. Like this article? You'll love the spam/free clothes/naked pictures of s**tty celebs on my site! (Insert web address here to boost myself on Google)
6. There's no such thing as a Witchmonster Dragon. How dare this site make things up for the sake of comedy?!?
7. Witchmonster dragons were beautiful creatures and they all died because you eat cows or something. PETA! PETA!
8. Talking about evil things like this isn't funny and somehow offends me, as a Christian...read your bibles or you're all going to hell.
9. FIRST!!! (yeah, again)
10. ur all gay.
There - I've pretty much covered the bases so nobody else has to do it, agreed? Agreed.