So You've Discovered You're A 'Scooby-Doo' Villain

Oh no!

What is it?

A group of teens is trying to foil my plot!

You have a plot? Good for you!

Just trying to stay busy.

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A little bit of scheming, a little bit of plotting. Even a couple of ploys on the weekend.

What plot are they trying to foil?

I'm trying to bulldoze their rec center.

Nice, nice. Classic even. And as is the case in about 50 percent of all property redevelopments, you now have a multiethnic group of teens trying to foil you.

Exactly.

Do they have any powers?

Powers?

Magic rings? Giant robots that can take the form of cats? A green van?

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Is one of them a boy acrobat?

Definitely not any vans or mechs. They might have rings, I can't tell.

OK. Keep an eye out for them raising their fists and pointing all their rings together in a circle. That'll probably mean something.

Gotcha.

What are the teens doing specifically to foil you? Circulating petitions? Have they retained a pro bono lawyer to file a motion with the courts to stay the demolition?

I wish! No, they're snooping around my warehouse.

You're a property developer with a warehouse?

I've got a few plots going, actually.

Such as?

I'm kind of a property developer/smuggler, actually.

Ahh, yeah. Teens love foiling smugglers.

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"Trade regulation is an important part of our nation's economic policy!"

So I'm realizing.

What are you smuggling, if you don't mind me asking? It's not teens, is it?

Yikes, no. Just counterfeit DVD's.

Fair enough.

Also diamonds. Rum.

OK.

Opium. Soviet military hardware.

Wow. And this is all going on next door to their rec center?

Yeah. Some of them buy my rum, actually.

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Teens also love rum.

OK, so we'll definitely not want them to snoop around any more. We'll need something to scare them away.

Like what?

Do you have a suit of armor?

Of course.

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Who doesn't?

Good. Now, with some fishing line, rig up the suit of armor to spring out at the teens when they pass by.

Uh ... that's pretty tough.

Use various engineering principles if it helps.

Oh, I see now.

-clanging sounds, swearing-

OK, I'm done!

Great, now get into a hiding spot. Do you have a large oil painting of a figure with their eyes cut out?

Of course.

Go hide behind that. Then when the teens walk past, trigger your suit of armor to scare them.

Got it!

-some time passes-

So, uh, the Soviet military hardware ...

It's technically Eastern Bloc, if you want to be specific. It's just these weird old crates. They're empty, but hipsters like turning them into coffee tables or whatever.

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What better use for a symbol of terrifying global military buildup?

I see.

Still pretty illegal though.

It's a shame the kind of power America's coffee table industry has on trade policy, shutting out foreign competitors like that.

Right? Wait! Here they come!

Spring the trap!

-clanging sounds, laughing-

Uh-oh.

What is it? Are they filled with a primal horror?

They are not.

Are they mocking you pretty hard?

They're being really cruel about it, yeah. I can't even understand half of what they're saying, but I can tell they're being mean.

Ridofranz/iStock/Getty Images
"OMG this dude is so YOLO random swag."

Quickly! Make a spooky sound!

What do teens find spooky?

Moan that they're about to enter an economy with weak job prospects, even to those with advanced degrees.

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"And old people will offer you outdated advice which worked for them like forty years ago, OOOOOOOOHHH."

Uh-oh.

Are they not scared? Are they mocking you again?

No. But they did rip the painting off the wall. And now they're pointing their rings in a circle.

YES! Power rings!

This is good news?

For you? Hell no. I just really wanted to see this happen. You should probably run, actually.

HOLY SHIT! One of them's shooting fire at me!

That will be the brash hothead teen. Try to avoid fighting him, because he'll set you on fire.

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The brash hothead teen normally has red hair. Hmmmmmm.

What about one of the girls? What power will she have?

Just a guess, but probably water or wind or something. Why do you ask?

Because one of them is standing in front of me, pointing her ring at me.

Do you have an umbrella?

Of course.

Open that up and charge right past her.

I don't have it with me.

Oh. Well, just run by her anyways. It's just water or air, right?

AHHHHHHHH!

That not work?

She's shooting fire at me too!

Run the other way!

No good! More teens with fire!

Run in a direction perpendicular to that direction!

WELL OBVIOUSLY.

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Non-ideal.

Are you safe?

Safer. Crispier, too.

OK, so they all have rings of fire. That makes sense, actually.

Isn't that cheating, all of them having the best power?

Technically their best power is probably friendship, but yes, all of them having fire rings is also pretty devastating.

How did they get the rings?

Have you angered any wizards lately?

Maybe?

Well, what about the government? How on board do you think they are with your little operation?

Not very.

Right. What I think has happened here is the government has developed powerful magic rings and given them to these teens, to harness their natural anti-smuggling powers.

You think that's more effective than sending the FBI or the DEA or a highly-trained team of military operators after me?

None of those have the power of friendship.

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"Breach on my signal. Remember to cooperate, share, and above all else, have fun in there."

How do I stop them?

Do you have a ring with the power of water?

Surprisingly, no.

Then you'll have to settle for water with the power of water.

I, uh, what?

Fill a bucket with water and throw it at the next teen you see.

OK.

-splashing sounds, shrieking-

OH FUCK OW!

What happened?

The water didn't do anything. It just spread the flames around!

Hmm. It seems these rings don't have the power of fire so much as the power of flaming oil.


This might not be the military operation I presumed it was.

Wait! I just thought of an idea!

You did?

What foils teens?

Boredom? Homework? Being exposed to the crushing weight of an unfeeling world?

No! Nooooooooo. Their parents!

What? What's wrong with you?

I'm going to take my suit of armor and dress it up like one of their parents. Then, using fishing line ...

Oh, I get it. That'll be the opium on fire, then.

Nah it's good. It's super good. Good's good. Goooooooooood.

Yeah, why don't we leave me in charge of the dumb ideas and you in charge of acting on them unfailingly.

Sounds goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Now then, teens do have one weakness which we haven't exploited yet.

Gooooooooooood?

Fire. Teens are weak against fire.

What should I dooooooooooooo?

Kick over some of the crates of rum.

That sounds dangerous.

Do it carefully, then.

OK. Wow. The whole place is just completely on fire.

Are the teens dead?

What? No. They're running away.

Not so YOLO after all, the little punks.

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"Ooooh, don't set us on fire, we have our whole future ahead of us." Whatever.

What?

Never mind. And congratulations! Your plot is no longer being foiled by teens. Should you require any further assistance, please consult our guide, So Your Plot Has Been Foiled By Teens.




Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has been foiled by teens, ATF agents, and a plucky cat and dog team. Join him on Facebook or Twitter for more of his wisdom.

For more him, check out So You've Swapped Bodies With Your Mortal Enemy and So You've Got a Gerbil Stuck in Your Ass.

Teens are our future, and they must be stopped at all costs. Click the Facebook 'share' button to spread the secret.

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