There's A New Video Game That Simulates Your Crappy Job

Welcome to my unofficial guide to Office Job, the MMORPG that's taken the gaming world faster than a corporate raid can liquidate a pension plan. Office Job is played by a huge number of adults 18 to 65, and that number is growing all the time, with older and older players staying in the game. In it, players fight to create a career in a hostile world known as the Office. As you begin your journey, newcomer to the realm of keycard badges, here is a guide to help you with the broad strokes of the game.

#5. Customize Your Character

monkeybusinessimages/iStock

The first thing you'll want to do is customize your character. Before you begin playing, you'll be assigned either a male or female gender. Developers say this distinction does not impact gameplay, but it turns out that if you're playing as a female you get 30 percent less money and it's harder to get promotions. Men also get a bunch of other perks, but changing this attribute once you start is really difficult and may make the game even harder, so I'll just leave it at that.

Like many RPGs, you can input your name, but most of the time other characters will call you a pre-written nickname. These appear to be randomly assigned and might be anything from "champ" to "new guy." But, if later you complete a world-changing quest, you may get a new pre-written title from that, making you "the guy who shit in the supply closet." Your actual name will primarily show up on written documents, because calling each player by their individual name would take up way too much memory.

© Jon Helgason/iStock
"Bruce, I don't care what your fraternity brothers called you. You work in the mail room."

You will choose your class after you complete the trial period and receive your first promotion. If you like playing support-based classes, I.T. is probably for you. They run around fixing everything in the office. It's kind of a thankless job, because other players only notice I.T. people when they've messed something up, so you typically get none of the praise and a lot of the blame.

maximili/iStock
"If you don't get that clock to stop blinking, so help me God ..."

Players who like to use cunning and guile are best suited to be salespeople. Salespeople are fragile but can also be very effective, especially in close quarters and when they have the element of surprise. Finally, management-track positions are for fans of the dark arts. They attempt to manipulate the laws of productivity and perception using ancient and often diabolical techniques.

#4. Do Meaningless And Repetitive Tasks To Earn Currency

TommL/iStock

The early stages will feel very similar to every other RPG you've ever played: You'll be grinding out cash by doing monotonous tasks. The particular tasks will be specific to your office, which will be randomly generated from a few basic types (cubicles, open plan, or funhouse). In my playthrough, I had a foraging quest where I had to combine multiple missing Excel files, a fetch quest where I had to get coffee from three different places for the three wizened VCs visiting the office, and of course the classic RPG training quest where I had to kill all the rats in the basement.

svetikd/iStock
After that everyone mentioned how odd their "coffee" tasted.

Note: Some NPCs will try to convince you to do tasks for no currency but a bunch of experience. Avoid these at all costs. While the in-game dialogue talks a lot about "experience" it actually turns out to be a basically useless stat. Your ability to level up at your company is determined almost entirely by how much people like you, how much praise you receive, and, for some reason, how tall you are.

#3. Explore The World

choja/iStock

If you get bored doing tasks that could easily be automated or done while listening to Hidden Brain, take a break from main quests to wander around. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the soul-crushing atmosphere of the game and take things out of cabinets when nobody's looking. It's mostly just notepads and pens, but every once in a while you find something you can use to completely destroy enemies later on. I found the place my boss hides his stationery.

fcafotodigital/iStock
One day I am just going to snap and start crafting the fuck out of this place.

Don't worry about spending a significant number of game hours not advancing your work: The number of tasks you are assigned in the game scales with the number of tasks you complete. So, bafflingly, casual workers who complete a task or two a week while killing time in the elevator actually advance at the same rate as hardcore workers who optimize their systems to maximize their DPS (duties per second).

ferrantraite/iStock
Even the ones who pass gas in there.

In fact, you'll be entering a world where people are far more powerful than you, not because they have any particular skill but merely because they've been there for longer. That will be frustrating, but, like with any MMORPG, you will have recourse: taking that frustration out on newer -- and therefore less powerful -- players.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Aaron Kheifets

  • Rss

More by Aaron Kheifets:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

204 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!