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I kicked my way into Cracked.com Head Editor Jack O’Brien’s office, armed to the teeth with fireworks, steak and hardcore pornography.

“Jacktus Jack,” I screamed when I got in. “Let’s celebrate!”

“Why would you even need to change ‘Cactus Jack’ to ‘Jacktus Jack?’ Jack was already in the name to begin with,” he said quietly. He just doesn’t get it.

“Yeah, well, now it’s in there twice. More is better, everybody knows that.” I pointed to my crotch several times.

“Stop that. Anyway, what are you doing here; I’ve got a lot of work to do.” His desk was full of papers and files and probably some other stuff.

“I’m here to help you celebrate, boss. It’s Labor Day Weekend! We need to go out and honor America. Honor the shit right out of her!” I lit several fireworks and threw a handful of pornography at Jack’s secretary. Once the smoke had cleared, Jack put down the papers he was working on to address me.

“And what, exactly, would we be celebrating for Labor Day, Dan?” I froze. Jack had pinpointed my one weakness: Knowledge. Specifically, my not having any of it.

“It’s… you know…we’re commemorating…American Independence, the end of our oppression.” It was a shot in the dark, and I wasn’t sure it was going to work. I pointed to my crotch a few more times to grease the wheels.

“Independence from whom, Dan?” Think fast, O’Brien, and don’t say ‘Robot Overlords.’

“From…from the…[Don't.]…the giant, mechanical…[Don't you dare.]…mobot moverlords.” Nailed it. That was a close one.

“You have no idea what Labor Day is about, do you?” Okay, he was right, but I could still spin this. It was time to get all philosophical up in this bitch.

“Can you really know a holiday, Jackson 5? I mean, when you think about it, can anyone really know anything, for sure?” That shit was smooth and deep. I’m like Socrates wrapped in Shaft, sometimes, I swear to God. I sat down on the edge of Jack’s desk. “You see, Labor, is actually the Japanese word for ‘Christmas,’ so Labor Day for us is like Christmas for the Japanese, where they gather around their Christmas Trees which, of course, they call maize, and they sing carols but not about Christmas, and not with their mouths. Instead, they-”

“I’m going to stop you right there, I think you’re actually making this room more retarded with every second that you keep talking.” Can that actually happen? “Dan, I’m sending you on an assignment.”

“An assignment? Sweet Screaming Tits, finally! I’ll get some more pornography.” He stopped me.

“It’s not that kind of assignment, Dan. No assignment I give you will ever be that kind of assignment. I want you to go out and figure out what Labor Day is all about. Do some real reporting, write up a story, the whole deal.”

“I get it.” I squinted and shook my head like a total badass. “You’re afraid to get your hands dirty, so you’re sending me out to the streets to dig up some answers.”

“Uh huh. Whatever. Anything that gets you out of the office for a while.”

“I won’t let you down,” I said, knowing full well that I would, in fact, let him way the hell down. As I left his office, I lit a few more firecrackers and casually tossed them behind my back.

***


I had my assistant set up an appointment with Fiona McDowel, the current head of the Federal United Labor Union and got a series of tough, hard-hitting questions together.

Journalism is a tricky business. You need to be sure that the person you’re interviewing feels comfortable around you, comfortable enough to give straight, honest answers. If you ask too many questions or if you give them a look that can be described as particularly “rapey,” they can –and they would be right to– end the interview. If even for one second they feel even the slightest bit ill at ease, it is their right to refuse to answer questions, and the last thing you need is an interview without a subject. An interview without a subject is poison to the journalism game. It’s what we in the business call “Shit in the Coffee,” because both of those things are unfavorable. (Picture a nice cup of coffee. Now picture it with poop in it. Can you see why that would be a problem? Good, you’re on your way to being a first-class journalist.)
Now, while it is your job as a journalist to make sure your subject is completely comfortable at all times, you don’t want to do so at the risk of losing the story. It would be easy to lob softball questions at a subject all day; that would be totally comfortable, especially if you’re interviewing the star batter of the softball team. Comfortable though that may be, a story without some degree of controversy will feel flat, so eventually, you’ll need to ask some seriously hard-hitting questions.
It is the unenviable job of the journalist to walk this delicate tightrope, trying to keep a subject at ease enough to complete the interview, but enraged enough to give out some juicy, perhaps dirty, secrets.
This precarious tightrope-balancing metaphor is made even more precarious if you’re hoping to bone whomever you happen to be interviewing.

This might be a problem.

“Miss McDowel,” I said when she sat down, “thank you for agreeing to meet with me.”

“It’s Mrs. McDowel,” she corrected.

“It’s Miss, actually,” I re-corrected, with a wink. She gave me a look that either said “I’m confused and offended” or “I’m just seconds away from ripping my pants off.” [It should be noted that this is the look that, in my mind, every woman everywhere constantly wears on her face at all times.]

“Anyway,” I began, stretching, (but, really, flexing), my arms behind my back, “we should really get started. See if we can’t clear up this whole ‘Labor Day’ business once and for all.”

“There’s really no mystery,” she said, mysteriously. “In the late 1800s, some labor unions got together and decided that the hardworking, blue collar types deserved a day off and a parade. So, a day in September was established as a day of rest and celebration for these laborers and… I’m sorry, are you sure you don’t want to write any of this down?”

“Don’t you worry your pretty little ass, Miss McDowel. I’ve got it all up here.” At ‘here’ I pointed to my head, so to suggest that I was mentally writing down the words that she was saying. This was, of course, ludicrous, as all of my mental ability was focused on not pointing towards my crotch while we talked. There was an intense battle going on in my head between good and evil over this very subject. Nothing punctuates a sentence like a good ole’ crotch point. Indicating your genitals is Nature’s period, Evil would say. When has a crotch point ever not resulted in a fairly aggressive lawsuit, Good would wisely point out.
Seriously. This is what it’s like in my head. All the time.

“Alright, Mr. O’Brien, if you’re sure that you have all of this, I’ll keep going.” I nodded, so as to say I’m sure, and I refrained from repeatedly jabbing my fingers towards my groin, so as to say
I’m not going to court over this again. It was interesting to watch Fiona speak, and I politely informed her as such.

She was very animated when she spoke, and it was clear from the hint of a smile and the twinkle in her eye that she was very passionate about the topic of labor laws and unions. I almost felt sorry for the poor girl, because those were some of the most boring fucking things I’ve ever heard about. Still, it was wonderful to watch her speak, flailing her arms around, pausing only to sip at her coffee. It was so wonderful, in fact, that I didn’t even pay attention to a word she’d actually said. So wonderful, in fact, that I found myself staring still, even after she’d already left.

So, my sexy, expert subject had left and I’d completely ignored every sexy little word that came out of that filthy mouth of hers. In the world of journalism, when presented with a situation like this, it is said that you’ve been handed “A Strawberry Cock Sundae with Shit Sauce.” In terms everyone can understand, I was totally screwed.

Or was I?

The clock was ticking, nearing towards deadline. I had no story, no subject, and absolutely no interest in doing any further research. But what I did have was a wild imagination and an uncanny ability to create a touching and heartwarming piece of journalism so fucking moving you just might cry, if you weren’t too busy rubbing your genitals on the paper in a futile attempt to have sex with the story.



I started writing. Furiously, not bothering to correct typos or wipe the page when I started drooling on it. I thought about what labor meant to me. How, before my career as a wild and passionate blogger, I had a slightly less glamorous job working as a dishwasher. I thought about how, on busy nights, an impossible number of plates would stack up and up and even the slightest deviation –like taking one sip of water– would set me back immensely. At first, it seemed like no matter how many I washed, I’d never get through them all. But I took them. One dish at a time. I thought about how the quiet tranquility brought on by both the repetitive, circular hand-washing motion and the monotonous whir of the giant, mechanical dishwasher drowned out the rest of the world and made the work almost soothing, almost peaceful. I thought about the pride I took when that last batch of dishes made its way through the machine, off the racks and onto the shelves. When I could turn to Hector, the Kitchen Chief, and wipe my hands and say “No más,” ["No more."] All I had to look upon was that sparkling kitchen.
Completely silent. completely clean.
I thought about my wrinkled, calloused, hands, nearly destroyed by dish-rot, and the amount of t-shirts I had to throw away once they’d been completely ruined by sweat. I thought about the feeling I’d get in my stomach when I could relax. When I’d finally gotten a day off and I could say, without hesitation, without sarcasm, and without doubt,
“I earned this.”

I thought about all of this as I scribbled away like a madman; the rapid, swirling motion my hand was making on the loose-leaf paper reminded me of the similar motion required to properly pre-wash a dish before loading it onto the machine. I considered what I remembered of what Miss McDowel said–about the men and women who fought to take just one day out of 365 to recognize the workers in this country– and tried desperately to tie it in to my personal anecdote of humbling and rewarding manual labor.

When I’d gotten it all out –when I’d practically cut open my veins and let my blood pour out through my pen– I held it briefly in my hands, sweat dripping off my forehead onto the page.

After some time, quietly, I said “No más.









***

I placed my report on Jack’s desk first thing in the morning.
“I won’t lie to you, Jacktory Girl: What you have in your hands is the greatest piece of journalistic sex I will ever write.” I watched him read it, devouring each line with his eyes while his hands shook. He was speechless.
He would be for a while.

“Enjoy your Labor Day Weekend, Jack.”

I know I will.
I know I will.


More of Daniel’s writing can be found on the Internet.

Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien

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318 Responses to “Labor Day: Exposed!”

  1. Neil Says:

    I’m sorry about the whole “cancer” thing. Sometimes I just open old wounds, but it’s really just because i’m insecure about my own Tuberculaids. That’s a combination of Tuberculosis and AIDS. It’s the first known case and I’m afraid everyone will think less of me for it so I lash out at those responsible for other illnesses hoping no one will discover mine. Damn Jews and their bubonic plague … uh oh there I go again.

    @jozza Why thank you! I am pretty damn awesome! And you’re not too shabby yourself. Rowr.

  2. Maf Says:

    Snake Pope!

  3. jozza Says:

    neil is awsome

  4. DP13 Says:

    That’s probably why you don’t see chemistry sets and ant farms around anymore.

  5. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    Seriously, how long are we gonna give Shana shit for the whole cancer thing. Okay, yes, she invented Cancer. Fine. She was a kid, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids.

    Jesus.

  6. DP13 Says:

    Exactly.

  7. Shana Says:

    Yeah Neil, I already apologized for cancer wtf.

  8. DP13 Says:

    Neil, blaming Shana for Cancer:

    Not cool, man.

  9. Shana Says:

    Thanks Dan, that’s sweet.

  10. Neil Says:

    oh, ok, cool, sorry

  11. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    Hey, Neil, back off Shana. She’s a person I know in real life. She’s protected.

  12. Neil Says:

    It’s bitches like Shana that try to ruin everyone’s fun that keeps Cancer thriving. Think about it.

  13. Shana Says:

    My god, you girls are so stupid. It’s people like you that keep sexism thriving.

  14. shadyzladii Says:

    WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
    he will marry everybody!!

  15. Neil Says:

    wow - over 300 comments. Why i remember when your average cracked entry would only get about 12 comments and when 300 comments was a huge accomplishment … one worthy of an anal reward. ah the good ol’ days of like 4 months ago.

  16. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    Thanks el Zilcho and Dante. As for marriage proposals, I will marry everybody. Everybody.

  17. el zilcho Says:

    Dan, this is one of your more finer works, and whilst you were still staring at the same spot the lovely “miss” fiona was sitting, where you perchance thinking about what you could do to that snake pope in order to make you the next snake pope?

    Long Live Dan O’Brien, the next snake pope

  18. shadyzladii Says:

    @Shana: im 21
    @DP13: fuck off,if you will.

  19. Dante Says:

    DOB, you fuckin crack me up so bad.

  20. Morrisey the consumer monkey Says:

    Also DP13 its not a little kid size crush, its a huge, womanly, i’m going to do dirty things to you on our wedding night crush.

  21. Morrisey the consumer monkey Says:

    Oh DOB now you’re living the rock star lifestyle-e some people are a little bit jealous me thinks!

  22. Neil Says:

    Hey, Shana, you wouldn’t happen to be working for the snake monster queen would you? America hater!

  23. glendoor42 Says:

    DOB”S not gay, good thing his boyfriend is.

  24. DP13 Says:

    Shana, don’t be so mean to the poor pathetic preteens. They can’t help it that they have a little kid crush on DOB.

  25. Shana Says:

    “shadyzladii” how old are you. I’m going to guess about 9, maybe 11 at most. Does your mother know that you are using her computer?

    And by your name it would appear that you are already taken by “shady”.

  26. shadyzladii Says:

    @Shana: Hmmm… it appears i will have to kill you now. Where do you live? Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to marry a random blogger that i have never met, and probably will never meet, who lives on a different continent to me, is there??

    @DOB: Dude, you still haven’t accepted my proposal :P!!!

  27. Rob Emery Says:

    This was very funny.

  28. Shana Says:

    Wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out DOB was gay. You girls are pathetic.

  29. Jordy Says:

    It should be noted that, even though I’m in Texas reading this blog, my face very clearly reads “I’m just seconds away from ripping my pants off.”

    …Just saying…

  30. Neil Says:

    @DOB - yea, I know what you mean - i left out Del and Living Legends because of deltron and murs.

    Also, if Doom or madlib are involved in any way I’m in (especially madvillain)

    Holy shit, the comments on this thread are nearing the 300 mark. And DOB did it without the help of Arrested Development.

  31. shadyzladii Says:

    ooh fuck just realized that you did ask first…
    oh well!! my proposal was WAAYY cooler :D

  32. shadyzladii Says:

    @Morrisey the consumer monkey: Haha!! ur too late!! DOB IS MINE!!!!!!
    i asked first, so i get to marry him:P
    SO THERE!!!

    Confiucious he say, when in doubt, act like a spoilt two year old…
    Aaahhhhh so true:P

  33. Morrisey the consumer monkey Says:

    shadyzladii you suck donkey balls.

    Daniel I was going to ask you to marry me last year when I finished Bartender!

    I’ll settle for a trophey fuck :-)

  34. shadyzladii Says:

    This blog is a fucking work of art!!!

    Daniel O’Brien i want you to MARRY ME!!!!!!
    Go on my page to get my contact details and we’ll set a date :P

    P.S. DOB ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF!!!!

  35. Morrisey the consumer monkey Says:

    Ahhh a muted marriage proposal. Nothing beats the feeling!

  36. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    @Neil-

    My man! Good picks. Jedi Mind Tricks Hell yeah. Also, frigging atmosphere. Sometimes when I mention Brother Ali and Sage, I take it for granted that people don’t just assume Atmosphere’s included. But any of the many Slug/Ali Slug/Sage Slug/Ali/Sage collaborations are some of my favorite joints.

    #Greengoddess-
    I love you, too.

  37. greengoddess Says:

    I know I’m chiming in a little late, but the more I read DOB, the more I love DOB.

  38. Neil Says:

    FUCK! How did I miss a music conversation? This beats all hell. I too enjoy the ska and the metal and the like. I also enjoy the hip hop. DOB lives up to his title as the archbishop of hiphop with offering up Brother Ali, Blackstar, and Sage Francis. Let me offer some other remedies for this hiphop-sucks-itis:

    Immortal Technique
    Soul Position
    Deltron 3030
    Murs
    Busdriver
    Atmosphere
    Jedi Mind Tricks
    Pharoah Monche
    Aceyalone
    The Pharcyde

    and of course some hip hop gods:
    Wu-Tang Clan
    Afrika Bambaataa
    De La Soul
    A Tribe Called Quest
    Public Enemy

    and so on.

    oh … and I agree, glendoor does rule

    and i’m 21

    and Metalbrainsurgery - u should check out the website i’m working for: http://www.MyMusicSite.com - it allows independent artists to sell their music online via downloads and ringtones. That means all the followers of DOB could make the anti-hannah montana song their ringtone.

  39. Alex jones Says:

    Good work mr obrien! i’ve been a fan of yours since lickmyjesus

  40. JAR Says:

    god you write a lot of nothing.

  41. Shana Says:

    ^ Obviously Kingmonkey. Sorry pal, your not fooling anyone.

  42. Morrisey the consumer monkey Says:

    Daniel will you marry me?

  43. CrackedAddict Says:

    Great blog, love it. D.O.B.ermann, du bist der Beste.

  44. BearMan Says:

    Would it be illegal for me to offer all the teenagers here some hard lemonade and condoms?

  45. josie Says:

    G Stone, in order to do the arithmetic you suggest, one would need to actually know DOB’s age. Since it haven’t that info handy, I’ve developed my own conclusions based in part on handwriting analysis. Given the stick figure artistry (lacking genitals), his ability to profoundly confuse (is it poop or dood?), a caped penis seemingly flying, and a penchant for personifying a bad boob job then one could conclude he may be around six. His use of color and thickness bumps him up to about 8.

    Which makes you, according to the algorithm, 23.

  46. jpetrucci Says:

    This tantilizing expose was unsatisfying.
    my attempt to have sex with the story was unsuccessful

  47. DP13 Says:

    But, Gladstone, that gives us the equation (22 x near death)/2. And with advances in modern medicine, that puts your age at about 50.

    Gladstone is 50, guys. He said it.

  48. Gladstone Says:

    A good way to determine my age is to average DOB’s age and how old DOB likes to claim I am.

  49. Person Says:

    lol the snake pope reminds me of the space pope website. i also love it whenever jack pretends to not be totally shocked and disgusted by ur acts of ridiculousness in the blog stories. but i dont get the jack jokes at all, i.e. jacktus jack, jacktory, etc. but anyway ur blogs r the best!

  50. glendoor42 Says:

    Oh!!! your notebook has “glendoor rulz” on it too? Everyones should.

  51. checkminus Says:

    that piece of paper looks alot like my english notebook.

  52. Mixer Says:

    Thank God I don’t eat while reading your articles Dan, because I would have choked to death from laughing by now. Great stuff!!! The crotch pointing references were priceless.

  53. Timbones Says:

    Statitsicly works for me.
    But staretitsicly is better.
    Touchtitsicly however is better still.
    It is king amongst men; god amongst kings.

  54. eleanor Says:

    For the first time in my life I wish I was a labor union expert so DOB would interview me while pointing at himself suggestively…

  55. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    doh I meant statisticly

  56. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    oh and if you didnt like that one then you will like this one, its statitsicly proven.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHBzSqeM6KQ&fmt=18

  57. Yo Says:

    Dear gods, this article actually caused a humourgasm in my brain.

  58. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    By the beard of Zues! Much has happend since I was here last, did anyone check out Opeth?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmxNl6oYmn0&fmt=18

  59. Wiglaf Says:

    I’m speechless.

  60. tshp Says:

    @wallsy american cheese actually really good, any one slice is rich in calcium and….oh fuck it. Look we all no america can’t invent new cheese worth a damn…as far as hating america, well I have to tell you that Cracked is american (except for DOB he’s actually from heaven).

    @thatcat4 no worries, were all a little retard (provided you’ve ever read an article by Swaim)

  61. Dustin Says:

    tl;dr

  62. Smellybird Says:

    I wish I hadn’t just read this so I could read it again.

  63. DP13 Says:

    thatcat4- It’s alright, people think I’m retarded all the time.
    On purpose, though.

  64. thatcat4 Says:

    I laughed at every single line in this article….
    My roomie now thinks I’m completely retarded, as opposed to only slightly.
    Oh wells…

  65. nerdlette Says:

    DOB didn’t even win tic tac with HIMSELF.

  66. J-Pappi Says:

    I forgot cheap and plentiful. :-)

  67. J-Pappi Says:

    American cheese is just like most American women; easy to open, tasteless and disposable. I just stuck the “most” in there to appease American female Cracked readers.

  68. Mike Says:

    Just another example of why Dan is the shit. “If you weren’t too busy rubbing your genitals on the paper in a futile attempt to have sex with it.” Just brilliant!

  69. LackThereof Says:

    Great.
    Now I’m going to be fighting the urge to point at my genitals to emphasize words today.

  70. Louie Says:

    But I am working today…

  71. Feel The Vern Says:

    ummm… 248th!

  72. Cole Says:

    Is it just me or do Dan’s eyebrows wrap around his eyes down along his nose? I enjoyed the report

  73. morbo Says:

    Im mailing you some hand grenades Daniel ,Watch out jack

  74. Panzer-Stier Ross, Herbal Steroid Alternative Says:

    She has that sort of ‘naughty librarian’ look, like she could throw off her glasses, then undo her hair clip and throw herself at you across a desk.

    Although, if America elected their leaders or vice leaders on hotness/hotness of spouse then we’d have a Dennis Kucinich/Fred Thompson nightmare ticket.

    And Marey Carey would be running for more than governor of California.

  75. Timbones Says:

    First of all, DOB - I love your work. Not in a disturbing romantic way (though I did have a dream about you one time, only instead of your face it was Jessica Alba’s…and instead of your body it was also Jessica Alba’s…but I somehow still knew it was you. Seriously, we should go out for coffee sometime)
    Am I too late to go back and agree with the Sergeant re: Sarah Palin?
    I had no fucking idea who she was. But Google educated me, and I have to agree that she is a fox.

  76. Shana Says:

    I love Bartender. Your comics are.. something else.

  77. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    Good point, Shana.

  78. Shana Says:

    Dan, why does your link just lead to cracked? Isn’t that kind of pointless?

  79. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    Thank you, Haligirl, thank you.

  80. Wallsy Says:

    tshp: I hate America and freedom, but I love cheese. I hate American cheese though. You people have no idea what food is supposed to taste like.

    Swaim: Best comment on this entry. :-)

  81. Haligirl Says:

    yet another fabulous column DOB!

  82. Panzer-Stier Ross, The Masked Menace Says:

    I prefer “you, shithead, stop raping my fucking dog.”

  83. glendoor42 Says:

    Swain’s name is pronounced just like it’s spelled. M-I-C-H-E-A-L S-W-A-I-N. Or “Hey Dickhead” if you prefer.

  84. J-Pappi Says:

    @ thsp, I’m saving myself for marriage (the ho’s are purely for payin’ the bills). And yes, what is freedom without cheese?

  85. jmcfarl3 Says:

    I swear i’ve seen swaim on tv. isn’t he on Best Week Ever?

  86. Shana Says:

    Oh Swaim, you’re such a dick. And how do you pronounce your last name?

  87. Michael Swaim Says:

    TL;DR

  88. Panzer-Stier Ross, The Masked Menace Says:

    I bet Glendoor’s Leprechaun isn’t really Irish, and is instead a Canadian stand-in Leprechaun called Adam.

    The rise of non-Irish stand-ins in the world of Leprechauns is a little known fact.

  89. Bobby Jest Says:

    DOB,
    Id like to suggest that your use of the term “rapey”
    might cause some misunderstandings.

    I made the following mistake in my e harmony ad.

    “Sincere, Single, Smart, “Stdish” guy looking for a long term romance.
    I am am fun loving and I’ll supply the Valtrex!

  90. tshp Says:

    @RegularTexan I believe that we are witnessing the uniting of 4 kindred spirits. First there’s DP13 and Shana (the sexual tension there is palpable). And J Pappi and josie, although I will correct my previous allogation that this has anything to do with sex.

    @MJ much love sweetheart. I appologize for not objectifying you more. I’ll do better. On the next post…this one is getting too long/busy. However…

    @everyone who complained about the comments. I agree, these comments pages are for talking about the article. But letting people post whatever they want is about freedom. America stands for freedom, do you love america? Or freedom? Or cheese? (I totally love cheese)

    @josie may I suggest you start your own thread in the forums. So great is your awesomeness. keep on keeping on.

    @glendoor the monster that lives under my bed is named Jeffery.

  91. glendoor42 Says:

    @ DP13 I don’t know what his name is, never has come up. Next time I see him I’ll ask him.

  92. RegularTexan Says:

    HOW IS THIS CONVO STILL GOING???

  93. DP13 Says:

    Wow. A lot happened.

    J-Pappi- That bass line… Still just Dan.

    Glendoor- J-Pappi and I would like to know what the name of your leprechaun is.

  94. Ted Says:

    I liked the part about pre-washing dishes. I could relate to it.

  95. Chris Says:

    Wow, late to the party… as always.

  96. josie Says:

    Cops panic me too. Hate em. K..BBNS (be back not soon) gonna finish this game and re-read your messages..Eazy-E..

  97. J-Pappi Says:

    No, the deep end of a 9-foot swimming pool is enough for me. And the last time I panicked was about two hours ago and involved a cop and a roach in my ashtray. And yes, I’m thoroughly aware we’re boring everyone which is why I sent you my e-mail address in my last message, silly Josie. Check them.

  98. josie Says:

    I’m kicking the everlasting shit out of them. They absolutely are used to me ignoring them while I play on the ‘puter..hold on..

    K. Panic 40 feet down isn’t enough for you? Even though I practiced in the pool a bunch, I had no clue down there. Don’t get me wrong..it’s great down there. We have lotsa fish. Pretty colors..we swim into this little reef..aha! that’s where the fish are. But the reality is this: I’m breathing into this little tube 40 feet down.

    You know we are boring everyone who may be awake..so..tit for tat and all that good stuff. When was the last time YOU panicked..

  99. J-Pappi Says:

    Just general panic? I can relate to that; xanax is my best friend. And it was plain old hamburgers, though mine are fucking awesome. Foreman’s get rid of too much of the grease; you need to go with charcoal and hickory chips.

    What was going through your mind with the panic? Inquiring minds want to know…and the girls left? Sounds like time for a funky bass line to kick in!

  100. josie Says:

    I want a god damn leprechaun. What about my needs? What about me? I’ll tell you the scariest dive, but is hugely boring. I’ve been diving eight years. My first dive. I thought I was going to die 40 feet down. Talk about panic.

    The girls left..now we’re playing Scrabble. And consuming. How’d the whole grilling thing go? Whatdya cook? We had steak. Nothing like a good George Foreman..

  101. J-Pappi Says:

    Thrill seeker. Now I got “So What” by Ministry playing in my head; good job, Josie (and no, I’m not being sarcastic). Glendoor’s got a fucking good luck Leprechaun; he’ll be ok. What’s the scariest dive experience you’ve ever had?

  102. josie Says:

    The thrill seeker in me wants you to write while you’re going through it..

  103. josie Says:

    @Glendoor..so I’m not crazy. Dude..you have a storm a’comin’. Spark it. Lay low. Drink lot’s of water. Wait..that’s what you do when lava is flowing on you. Um..try not to lose your roof. Apparently that blows..

  104. glendoor42 Says:

    @ ZiggyTheZ WAR EAGLE!!!! and Yes and I believe we are from the same town.

    @ Josie there are tropical storm watches about 90 miles from where I live, so right now I don’t know what’s going to happen. They can’t predict the weather more than 24 hours anyway.

  105. josie Says:

    Yup..you and me both..everyone ignores me anyway when I’m writing..

  106. J-Pappi Says:

    Be Back Soon; I’m good but not good enough to drink, type and grill.

  107. josie Says:

    To this day, I can’t personally bait a hook..gross. I make the guys do it. But I do like fishing. Depends who your with, I suppose. BBS. Huh?

  108. J-Pappi Says:

    A boy or a catfish? Really though; I’ve been wanting to shark dive my whole life. BBS.

  109. J-Pappi Says:

    Will do, Ma’am; gotta grab the meat of the grill first (and no that’s not a metaphor), then I’ll slap on the Captain’s hat and play my organ (that one is).

    Ziggy, “War Eagle” it up while you can; my Dawgs look forward to running all over you for the 3rd year in a row later in the season and would appreciate you being undefeated at the time to boost our strength of schedule. But yeah, it’s great to be a Southerner; no lie at all.

    Now, I’m going to take a brief hiatus.

  110. josie Says:

    I have swum? with sharks. Shark dives are the bomb…I swam with them in Maui…so we have underwater hand signals and shit (”are you okay?”) (”let’s go here..”) you get the point..and today I was so freaked I couldn’t communicate. Every diver around me is signaling and all I can see is the rain, turtles (everywhere..they’re fun), eelfish bugging me and the shore… miles away. I’m pretty much out of air. I’m, oddly enough, not a strong swimmer. Panic.

    It was terrifying.

    Catfish. I come from a family of boys..that’s the first fish I ever caught.

  111. Tulip Sniper Says:

    Midgets!

    Truly you are the Captain to my Tennille.

    Opinionate me, Dr. J-.

  112. ZiggyTheZ Says:

    Thanks Aiden. I’ll definitely try that on a shitty pawnshop bass before working on something good.
    @glendoor Fuck yeah War Eagle. I’m so glad football season has started again. It’s magical in Alabama.
    @glendoor, josie, J-Pappi, and MBS, I’m from the south too. We appreciate good comedy way better than those long-nosed yankee crackers. Am I right??

  113. J-Pappi Says:

    Midgets, Tulip; midgets. Remember your parables. And I never said I wasn’t drinking too and I damn sure didn’t say anything about sleeping. If you’re still up in a few I’ll regale you with an opinion you might have some fun with.

    Josie, I always wondered if people actually just walked out into the water from the beach with scuba gear on; that must be pretty tight. What’s the shark action like out there? We don’t get too many in my front yard pond, though bass and catfish get fucked up on a regular basis.

  114. Tulip Sniper Says:

    Not drinking and sleep are for old people and I forget who else, J.

  115. josie Says:

    We didn’t have enough tanks for everyone. Jim had to sit it out..we went out on this guy’s boat..dove (it’s unbelievably cool), then went and did a shore dive. Meaning..we walked into the water and dove. I’m really far out there (some eelfish followed my every move) and when I came up, it was raining like crazy. I sorta panicked. This equipment is heavy. Can I swim back? I did make it. Everyone gave me shit. Fuckers..now I’m making them dinner..

  116. J-Pappi Says:

    Hell yeah; y’all live off pork and pineapple. Only stoned folk or pregnant women would come up with that combination. And yes, I like it too and I’m not pregnant.

    Aiden, I’m not that bad a player but I refuse to go beyond changing my strings without consulting someone much more mechanically inclined than I. I’m lucky to be able to light the grill without burning my face off.

  117. J-Pappi Says:

    Damn straight; look to all the problems in the world and what do you find behind them? The GOT-damn white man! Subhaanallah, my brother.

    How did the dive go, Josie? Us black folk are scared of water. :-)

  118. josie Says:

    Hey Shana..sorry again. Super fucking bitchy.

    J-Pappi..We’re (people here) glad you’re going to be good and stoned for this little rainstorm. Oh how we know tropical storms.

    You know..we know good weed here..just kinda putting it out there..

  119. Shana Says:

    Will do Archbishop, sir.

  120. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    Man, anyone who says “This new hip-hop shit sucks” just isn’t looking hard enough. Take two CC’s of Brother Ali, a handful of Black Star, and enough Sage Francis to choke and elephant, and then call me in the morning.

    “New hip-hop sucks.” You stupid white mothafuckas.

  121. josie Says:

    Sorry Shana. I’m a bitch.

  122. Aiden Says:

    Well shit, upon closer inspection, if I didn’t add the part about lacquer, I’d feel like even more of a dick; all just posting a wordier version of what DOB already said :S
    That said, lacquer is important!
    So… Hah!

  123. J-Pappi Says:

    Man, motherfuck that midtown traffic. Oingo Boingo? Good God; please no. Yeah, some aspects of the 80’s are best left to VH1.

    King Diamond, now there’s some shit I haven’t heard in a while. Never cared for his vocals all that much, but the music was bad-ass. All bands need at least two lead guitarists to be worth a fuck (except Sabbath); so sayeth J-Pappi.

    Nah, MBS and I are in North/Central Ga; it’ll rain like a motherfucker and have some mean gusts, but we got big trees. I’ll do like I do with all hurricanes and just sit out on the porch and do bong hits.

    Tulip Sniper, you’ve been drinking again. Back to your room; I’ll deal with you later young lady.

  124. Shana Says:

    josie what are you talking about and what makes you think you have a right to be so condescending. Never mind I really don’t care.

  125. josie Says:

    So my bad. *curtsy..head tilt* Metal head boy, apparently you’re not hearing well.

    Is Gustav going to affect you in any way? In an effort to change the conversation (so dull and infantile Wallsy had to intervene..don’t get me wrong. You kids are cute and all, but enough already.)
    Get a fucking room.

  126. Shana Says:

    Yeah if you would care to talk just send me a message and ask for my screen name or something.

    http://www.cracked.com/members/Shana_F

  127. Aiden Says:

    @ZiggytheZ:
    They actually don’t make Soundgear 6 string fretless; I would have had one by now - trust me, haha. But yeah, to make a fretless it isn’t hard - you need to pull out the frets, as DOB said with pliers a hammer and a wedge and stuff - but be careful with a nice bass, because if you crack the fingerboard, you’re fucked. Then you need to sand it down a little, to take off the coating that they put on the fingerboard to protect it - light rubbing with a low-grade sandpaper will do the trick. After that, you put a bit of wood filler in where the frets were - I’d try to match it as closely as possible to the woodgrain (the lines won’t work like they would on a lined fretless, and, at least personally, that would confuse the shit out of me - just a personal recommendation.) Last step is to paint it down with something HEAVY, thick and strong - a good, heavy lacquer or even boat epoxy (Jaco did that,) because roundwound strings on a bare Ibanez neck will tear up the bubinga fingerboards that they use on the Soundgear line. Even flatwounds would chew it up eventually.
    Hope that helps you out - definitely best to try it on some 50 dollar pawnshop POS before you start to work on anything nice. If you’re worried, you could also just get a luthier to do it for you; more expensive, but way safer.

  128. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    and dp13

  129. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    josie gustav is heading for New Orleans LA, which is a long ass way away from GA and AL.
    Wallsy, I agree. its mostly josie that keeps this nonsense going.
    gabby women.

  130. Wallsy Says:

    I had to stop reading this several times so I could stop laughing enough to continue. This is the funniest thing that has ever been on this site.

    And speaking of stopping reading, I really have to stop reading the comments. You people just suck the funny right out of the whole page. Take it to private messages or emails or whatever. No one else here cares.

  131. josie Says:

    Yeah, metal brain, I know. Thus the concern. Is it a threat to you?

  132. DP13 Says:

    And it’s because there are more awesome people commenting on this blog than on the other ones.

  133. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    and josie, j-pappi and i live in GA, Glendoor42 lives in alabama.

  134. DP13 Says:

    Son of a B, why does the weather hate them so much?

  135. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    yay for oingo boingo, pedobear approves. Acutally that song is about midgets.

  136. Shana Says:

    Why do Dan’s blogs always turn into conversations?

  137. josie Says:

    Sweet pea. It’s only a hurricane. Big one, too..headed straight for New Orleans.

  138. Shana Says:

    Ha

  139. Shana Says:

    Dp are you serious?

  140. DP13 Says:

    Oh damn, Nevermind.

  141. DP13 Says:

    Who’s this Gustav fellow you’re speaking of?

  142. josie Says:

    Sorry. I was napping through that exchange.. I’m kinda worried Gustav is going to hit Glendoor and J-Pappi..

    They kinda live there..

  143. DP13 Says:

    It’s only midnight, josie. It’s not teeth brushin’ time yet.

  144. Shana Says:

    What

  145. Shana Says:

    D: It’s a classic novel by Vladmir Nabokov

  146. josie Says:

    Kids. Get a room. Brush your teeth.

  147. DP13 Says:

    Nope. Never heard of it.

  148. Shana Says:

    That’s Danny Elfmen, he wrote the Simpson’s theme song and the sound track for like every Tim Burton movie.

    And have you ever read Lolita?

  149. DP13 Says:

    The 80s was a pedophile?!

  150. Shana Says:

    That’s the 80s bro.

  151. Shana Says:

    Oingo Boingo

  152. DP13 Says:

    What. The. Fuck. Was that?!

  153. Shana Says:

    Haha I mean like shitty 80s music. This song has been stuck in my head. I’m currently reading the book Lolita so this song comes into my head every time I pick it up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jItz-uNjoZA

    And The Bitch Went Nutz was a leak from his new album but it was actually a fake song that he leaked himself. It’s funny. It should be on his myspace still I think.

  154. DP13 Says:

    MBS, I sent you a friend thing on MySpace, btw.

  155. DP13 Says:

    DOB is the Archbishop of Hip Hop. I believe you called hip hop “shitty.”

    What do you mean by 80’s?

  156. Tulip Sniper Says:

    Children of Bodom, there’s your money metal.

    What was this blog about again?

  157. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    Oh and DP and Shana, I am 18, so we’re all close in age.

  158. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    no i didnt

  159. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    80’s music you say? Can you slightly more specific? I hate New Wave and 80’s pop (except for Michael Jackson), but I love me some Ozzy, Metallica (pre black album), King Diamond (something you all should also check out), and a ton of other 80s bands. 80’s metal was where it was at (not hair metal)

  160. Shana Says:

    Hey Metal, did you hear “The Bitch Went Nutz” yet?

  161. Shana Says:

    Bitches aint shit was such a good cover. When ever I sing it people give me odd looks.

  162. Shana Says:

    Anybody like 80s music?

  163. Metalbrainsurgery, Opeth Awaits Says:

    I love Ben Folds, especially Bitches aint shit.
    No crap I’m playing off Kingmoneky, he’s my schizophrenic alter ego. (sorry for not telling you kingmonkey, but you’re me)
    ok so he’s totaly not (or is he, I have no idea). But yes I am playing off of him. Why not.

  164. Shana Says:

    Shouldn’t say what?

  165. DP13 Says:

    You shouldn’t say that around the Archbishop, Shana.

    J-Pappi- I’ll list off of my iPod: AC/DC, Aerosmith, The Beatles, Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Bob Marley… It’s a very long list of things from before my time. I just don’t think music is good anymore. There are some exceptions that I do like (Dropkick Murphys, Weezer, Coheed and Cambria) but I don’t even listen to the radio anymore, because I can’t stand what’s coming out of it. Like Soulja Boy. “Crank dat” has like, 5 words in it. Two of them are his name. One of them is “supersoak.” That’s not music. It’s just noise.

    I agree with you about rap though. I like gangsta rap, but this newer stuff doesn’t really appeal to me. Ludacris, though. I like him.

  166. josie Says:

    Opeth..K. Metal-brain guy is so playing off of Kingmonkey. Way to be original. Sorry, want to write more..especially because the teenagers think J-Pappi and I are having an affair..and apparently I’m a bit of a dick for being a diver..

    but opeth awaits..

  167. Shana Says:

    I’m not a ska head or anything, I just listen to some bands. I listen to mostly like Ben folds, David Bowie, The Beatles, Flight of the Conchords, Modest Mouse, and a lot of japanese stuff that I doubt any of you have heard of. And LMC of course.

  168. J-Pappi Says:

    Will do upon my return, my man. Will do. The last band you turned me onto rocked.

    And tshp, thanks for the props. But you know what Big Daddy kane said about pimpin’.

  169. J-Pappi Says:

    Nice bass, dude. I’ve never played a 5 string, though my bass experience is limited to begin with.

    OK, I’m off for a bit to consume mass quantities. Y’all play nice while I’m gone.

  170. Metalbrainsurgery ,Coblestone Pathway Pimp Says:

    and j-pappi, this young whippersnapper here likes some good music. Btw if you havent heard of them, I recommend you check out Opeth. That goes for all of you. you must listen to opeth.

  171. J-Pappi Says:

    Now DP, I honed my chops on Slayer and Obituary (my primary guitar is a Jeff Hanneman sig. series ESP); screaming Friday’s into a mic is fine as long as there’s some mega skilled thrashing underneath. What do you consider to be back in the dizay, just out of curiosity? Also, since we were on the subject of Glendoor, he has a Leprechaun living behind his wainscoting. You should ask him if it’s named Patrick O’McMurphy.

    Yes, Shana; ska has actually been around quite a while (though you probably know that). I get into it occasionally, though not my standard medium of hearing impairment. Rap is only good if it’s old-school hardcore shit. The rest is just nonsense.

  172. Metalbrainsurgery Says:

    @DOB: First off, sorry for not commenting here sooner, still having computer problems.
    Just wanted to say I recently bought a bass, since you brought up bass playing.
    Check it.
    http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj108/Metalbrainsurgery/IMG_3813.jpg

  173. Shana Says:

    All my friends listen to shitty rap and hip hop. It’s just stereo typical black guys listing drugs and making noises.

  174. Shana Says:

    J pappi- Yeah, ska is always good for lifting moods.

  175. DP13 Says:

    Reel Big Fish isn’t really popular. If you want to know what young whippersnappers are listening to, it’s called screamo, and it’s the worst type of music I’ve ever heard. They pretty much just yell into a microphone. They could be reading off of the TGI Friday’s menu for all I know, because you can’t understand them. It’s nothing like the music from back in the dizay.

  176. J-Pappi Says:

    Howdy, all; got a few before I leave again. DP (who, BTW, is already well on his way to hell; I’m only gently guiding), Glendoor is an Auburn fan, and they’re confused as to whether their mascot is an Eagle, a Tiger or an Indian. Glendoor, I have not responded to your message yet because I DVR’d a particular game (no, not the Georgia one which was a foregone conclusion) and I want to watch it when I get back without knowing the score.

    Now what’s this about me wanting to “hook up” with people? Anyone who thinks I’m ever doing anything other than being neighborly just hasn’t been paying attention.

    MJ, you didn’t jump on and start talking about your tits; you have to let folks know you want attention! Don’t ask and you don’t receive, unless you’re on a really crowded bus with a pervert.

    Reel Big Fish, huh? So THAT’s what you young whippersnappers listen to these days; I’ll have to check it out. As for DOB, he probably stepped in here when the acid had just kicked in and left immediately to go play ping-pong in the dark with a florescent ball.

  177. DP13 Says:

    You know what’s weird? DOB just kind of left. He came in here, said “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!” and disappeared.
    If I were to walk into a room full of people I knew, who were just talking about stuff, yelled “what the fuck is going on here?!?!?!” and then walked away, people would think I escaped a mental hospital. But DOB gets away with it.

    I’m jealous.

  178. DP13 Says:

    “But.” I meant to say “but.” Not “nut.”

  179. DP13 Says:

    It bothers me, too, nut only because at the beginning of a sentence, I don’t know whether or not to capitalize it.

  180. Shana Says:

    Everyone wants josie. The fact that the ‘j’ is not capitalized bothers me.

  181. DP13 Says:

    I think it may have become a dating site, roughly around the same time josie got here.

  182. MJ -89 Says:

    @ tshp
    Thanks for the summary, I can never be bothered reading all the comments…

    When did DOBs blog become a dating site? More importantly why does nobody want to date me?!!? Screw you all to hell! I am officially boycotting this comments page and if anyone does think I’m totally awesome they can tell me about it on the HBN blog when it’s up straight after they Digg the shit out of it.

  183. Shana Says:

    YESSSSS Lunch Money Criminals just came on shuffle<3 I am indeed a crazy fan.

  184. DP13 Says:

    Glendoor. What the hell?

  185. tshp Says:

    @DP13 thanks for the correction.

    @J Papi I am sorry for slighting your macking skills. You’ve got mad skills. Forgive me.

  186. glendoor42 Says:

    TOUCHDOWN AUBURN!!!!!!!!!!!WAR DAMN EAGLE!!!!!!!!!

  187. tshp Says:

    @Shana: RBF-that does make it worth it. I, because I am a total loser, am watching Van Wilder…again…

    @DOB: I just wanted to say, after reading bartender. Dude, just…dude. I’d like to say you are great, but that god damn cereal pimping tiger has ruined great. You are beyond great. I’d call you beautiful, but beauty fades, unbelievalble but EMF tanked that. So I will humbly submit that you are the inevitatable sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the fabric of the universe. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite the man’s sincerest efforts no one has been able to eliminate from what is otherwise a sad existance. In short you are THE close approximation of the right state of man.

  188. Shana Says:

    Oh yeah, bitches love me.

  189. DP13 Says:

    Btw, I’m not trying to hook up with Shana (although all invitations are welcome). It’s pretty cool that there’s someone here around my age, who happens to be into the same things I like, where I thought it was just me surrounded by old people (J-Pappi, Gladstone?)

    Reel Big Fish. Hell yeah.

  190. DP13 Says:

    Yeah that sums up just about everything. Except you forgot that J-Pappi also seems to be after my mom.

  191. Shana Says:

    Haha great summary tshp. I too am home on a saturday night, but I’m currently listening to Reel Big Fish, which makes life worth it.

  192. tshp Says:

    DOB - I believe J-Papi is leading DP13 to hell (kudos my man) while trying to hook up with josie (again, kudos).

    Josie is stuck waiting on some people to show up with oxygen tanks so she can go scuba diving (because she lives in Hawii and what’s the point of living in Hawii if you don’t make the rest of us jealous?).

    Shana just infromed DP13 that she is also 16 while establishing her street cred with a few alcohol references.

    DP13 just gave out his date of birth on line, while showing wicked awareness of our planets immenent destruction. (DOB, I could be wrong but I have a feeling that eventaully, after he works up the courage, DP13 will try to hook up with Shana.)

    And I? I continue my streak of striking out on saturday nights with yet another blow off!!! Fuck me…serious, ladies please?

  193. DP13 Says:

    Guys, Dan is everybody’s hero.

    He’s Spiderman.

  194. ChelleBelle Says:

    DOB you are my hero! If you’re ever in tx I have a floor you can totally crash on.

  195. Shana Says:

    I haven’t the slightest clue.

    Dan is my hero.

  196. DP13 Says:

    We’re commenting on your blog.

  197. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?

  198. DP13 Says:

    Honestly, I don’t know anything about you two except that DOB may or may not have a creepy cartoon uncle from Guam. But I’m probably the least Irish person in this conversation.

  199. DP13 Says:

    It’s up there. He’s got the O’, You’ve got the Fitz.

  200. Shana Says:

    My last name is Fitzpatrick which I think is much more Irish than O’Brien.

  201. DP13 Says:

    You’re right, Man of 1000 Hats. I had not thought of that.

  202. Panzer-Stier Ross, Man of 1000 Hats Says:

    DP the only thing more Irish than being named O’Brien is staggering out of your house in a brown overall and a flat cap with a face covered in coal dust yelling about the bastard English coming in and fucking everything up.

  203. DP13 Says:

    I prefer Grand Champion of the Internet, but i guess kiddo is fine if you want.
    I have a sister, btw.

  204. josie Says:

    Um..yeah. That was an attempt at a joke there kiddo. Can I call ya kiddo? Do you have siblings?

  205. DP13 Says:

    Josie. His last name is “O’Brien.” The only thing more Irish than that is a leprechaun named Patrick O’McMurphy.

    Oh I hope you’re never friends with my mom.

  206. josie Says:

    I’m gonna use that..Puh
    Leez.

    Love it..Yeah I’m still waiting for the idiots to pick me up..apparently there’s a problem with getting enough tanks or some such nonsense..so they’re going to yet another dive shop way the fuck out there to obtain.

    Irish, huh? That explains everything. You think DOB is Irish? Sounds Jewish. DP..I bet I’d be friends with your Mom..she sounds cool..

  207. DP13 Says:

    I hopped on the Smash Bros battle chariot starting with Melee.
    Puh.
    Leez. I would destroy you at Mario Kart with my amazing Yoshi skills.

    Josie- I’m Irish, too. I openly drink in front of my parents. Not a lot, but my dad actually gives me whatever concoction (former bartender) he decides to experiment with, so I can tell him whether or not it fails.

    And I don’t have PS1. I have PS2, though.

  208. Shana Says:

    Dp13, are you a smash bros fan? Samus ftw.
    I’ll take you on in Mario Kart 64 and kick your ass with fuckin Peach.

    josie- I’m of Irish heritage which explains my vast knowledge (I was a little drunk as a wee one).

  209. josie Says:

    DP and Shana..you’re both freakin’ me out with your knowledge of alcohol. *swig* *swig*
    I have a Playstation 1. Yeah I’m super dorky. I love Tomb Raider and Myst.

    And when I was your ages, I slept for like 18-20 hours at a time. They say that’s normal.

  210. DP13 Says:

    You shouldn’t have slept for a whole day, then. That’s much too long.

    I still play my N64, too. Just nobody will play with me because I totally own. 12 year of practice will do that.

    I agree. Rum is a pirate drink. Everybody knows there were very few girl pirates. It was bad luck.

    And vodka isn’t a drink for Guidos. Jaegerbombs are a drink for Guidos. Vodka is for Russians and cold people (Russians.).

  211. Shana Says:

    Holy shit, I fall asleep for one day and then there are these comments. Wow.

    Dp13- Yes those are all relevant. I am turning 16 in October. Fuck yeah Pokemon and N64! I still play >_>

    Dan- I’ve seen that frankenbass. He showed it to me and told me about how he did it because he wanted a fret less. I laughed. Your brother’s dedication to music is astounding and quite admirable.

    Jpappi- Vodka is not a drink that will put hair on your chest. It’s usually just a drink for Guidos depending on the make. If you want something strong stick to Jack Daniels, and straight Gin. How is rum girly? Just because it’s an alcohol that doesn’t taste like total shit doesn’t make it girly.

    And no I don’t drink (any more).

  212. J-Pappi Says:

    Josie, my avatar is Eazy-E holding up two 9mm pistols. I’m as white as a sheet (and I prefer .45’s). :-) And no, DD’s aren’t a pre-requisite.

    Later, all; I gotsta keep the pimp hand strong and go collect my chips.

  213. DP13 Says:

    Oh… So she’s crazy, too. Bitchin’! That’s what we need in the whitehouse.

    I’m going to leave for a while now. While I am gone, I cannot be responsible for what goes on here. With that said, I have to apologize to DOB for the possible political debate josie and I may or may not have just set up. You had one last week with Roseanne, so just in case this becomes part 2, I’m sorry.

    -DP13.

  214. josie Says:

    She’s a lifelong member of the NRA..A fucking corndog. Shoots..(that means “right on” here)..

  215. DP13 Says:

    And I’m not sure I get the packing heat joke.

  216. DP13 Says:

    She has the experience of a corndog, josie. A fucking corndog.

  217. josie Says:

    @DP..shoot and score. what happens if some nutbag shoots McCain? She’d be president. She has the experience of a what? At least she’ll be packing heat..

    Okay J-Pappi..thanks for the smiles..I actually have to go..we’re diving today (yeah..I’m not a surfer..we call them jackasses “shark bait”..) and we’re exploring this really cool shipwreck..I’ll send pix. Is that you in your avatar? You’re a little cutie..

  218. DP13 Says:

    No they aren’t, josie. We don’t discriminate.

  219. DP13 Says:

    I think she was only chosen out of McCain trying to swing feminist votes. And She doesn’t seem like she actually wants to be VP, either.

    cracked.com/members/DP13

    I’m already friends with J-Pappi, so you can just click on his picture in my friends.

    And that bass line you hear is just Dan, J-Pappi.

  220. josie Says:

    Hot busty girl has me so beat in the boob department. Frick..I hope, for the sake of our friendship, double Ds aren’t a prerequisite..

  221. J-Pappi Says:

    Thanks for posting in-between those to ruin my timing. :-)

  222. J-Pappi Says:

    So is my game. Go to the home page, click on the batman/joker article and scroll down to the comments where I just posted. Click on me, add me as a friend and you won’t be disappointed.

  223. josie Says:

    DOB..Jimmy Page called. He wants his fret back.

  224. josie Says:

    Only if it has sunscreen..the Hawaiian sun is vicious.

  225. josie Says:

    DP..What’s wrong? What topic? Alcohol? Try eating the worm..

    J-Pappi..(sigh) What, you forgot already? Tit for tat. That’s my price. So I just tried clicking on your names and it won’t let me. I’ve never asked anyone to be my friend. So..you do it and I’ll respond.

    DP..what do you think of the new VP candidate (rapid subject change)..

  226. J-Pappi Says:

    Ooh, just noticed an earlier line. Your mom would be cool with Josie? I think I’m hearin’ a funky bass line in the background! Sweet. Maybe I’ll bring some Bacardi after all.

  227. J-Pappi Says:

    Or were you fishing for a compliment? My goodness, Josie; those are the loveliest boobs I’ve ever seen! More lotion?

  228. DP13 Says:

    Yeah, but if the Mayans are correct, then the world will end on December 12th, 2012. The day before my 21st birthday. Might as well party now, right?

    And we didn’t waste much. Me and my friend just drank it, and I noticed there was a few drops left so I tried to blow it at a tiki torch. It didn’t work.

    Seriously, though, can we get off this topic?

  229. J-Pappi Says:

    That’s funny, only three boobs are not too many. There is no such thing as too many boobs! Hell, my dog has six. But then again, she’s a bitch.

    Now, name your price and I shall repay you.

  230. josie Says:

    One is too few. Three is too many.

    Many many boob references and you have yet to repay me..

  231. J-Pappi Says:

    I give up! What?

  232. josie Says:

    DP..you know you have FIVE years before you can drink legally. I had a fake ID when I was 18. My Dad took it out of my purse. I stole it back out of his wallet. Huh. He never even noticed.

    No..to the joke..

  233. J-Pappi Says:

    Much better, my man.

    Yikes; wasting perfectly good alcohol for explosives? If you were over 18 (cough, cough), I’d recommend mixing bleach and brake fluid in a plastic bottle and shaking it up; it does amazing things when quickly placed in someone’s mailbox as I recall from the dark period known as the 80’s.

  234. DP13 Says:

    One has an olive in it.

    Don’t tell her what? That I’m friends with another 42 year old? I think she’ll be cool with it.

  235. josie Says:

    J-Pappi..I’m so popular this week..check out my friends.

    JOKE: What’s the difference between a martini and a woman’s breast?

    DP..I gonna be your friend too..just don’t tell your mother..

  236. DP13 Says:

    Dammit every fucking time I post something….

    J-Pappi, I wasn’t aware that was rum. I just knew it was fun.

    And Shana, Hey, remember Nintendo 64? That was awesome, right?

  237. DP13 Says:

    I have every business knowing about Bacardi and how it’s much less explosive than I hoped.

    Why don’t you get a phone with a keyboard? I have one. It’s amazing. It’s just like if you bought a second hand computer from an Oompa Loompa.

    It’s ok. Immature 42 year olds are the best kind if 42 year olds. Especially the really hot ones.

  238. J-Pappi Says:

    DP, DP…(sigh). Rum is for chick drinks and British sailors (though you may certainly keep it on hand for when a chick requests a daiquiri or some such thing). Bourbon, tequila, vodka, scotch; these are the things that will put hair on your chest. And the line to Shana was still a bit obvious, but you’re definitely getting warmer. It would have been better to create a sentence where you acted excited about remembering the older of the two objects, whereby her response might either have been “Oh, yes; I loved those!” or “I’m afraid those were before my time; I’m only such-and-such age.”

    Josie, your wish is my command; I’m an immature 35 and reasonably hot if you’re into my type (how’s THAT for evasive?). Shoot me a friend request and tell me your joke.

  239. josie Says:

    Aloha, again, DOB. Sorry to bother you..who’s Fiona? I should know, but alas popcorn has better retention.

    Laters..

  240. josie Says:

    J-Pappi..Is that you? Evasive..I have a great joke for you.. and you so owe me..

    DOB..yeah yeah. how nice for you. I’m guessing 27.

    DP..You have no business knowing about Bacardi. So my niece comes here. She’s 16. Her Mom’s 42. That was a month ago. She texts me EVERYDAY. Dude, I can’t handle it..I’m like her girlfriend..

    Yeah..I guess I’m a very immature 42. But really hot.

  241. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    @Josie

    If I remember correctly, we pulled each of the frets out with pliers. The stubborn ones, of which there were several, we’d hit out using a hammer and one of those metal nail-driver whaddayacalllits. (Nail drivers?)

    As for my age, I’m somewhere in my twenties, and remarkably younger than the near-death Gladstone.

  242. DP13 Says:

    Good point J-Pappi.

    Shana, if I said Pokemon, would it be relevant to your childhood, or would slap (or snap) bracelets be more memorable to you?

    And J-Pappi, Bacardi or no deal.

  243. J-Pappi Says:

    Sorry, ladies; I’ve been absent for a few days. You may now get ready for your Pappi fix.

    DP13, you should never ask a lady her age directly; there are all sorts of conniving ways to draw it out of her and still appear to be a gentleman.

    Then there are are girls like Josie, who just throw it out there proudly. I like it, Josie. Holla at me whenever you’re on the east coast; I