I kicked my way into Cracked.com Head Editor Jack O’Brien’s office, armed to the teeth with fireworks, steak and hardcore pornography.
“Jacktus Jack,” I screamed when I got in. “Let’s celebrate!”
“Why would you even need to change ‘Cactus Jack’ to ‘Jacktus Jack?’ Jack was already in the name to begin with,” he said quietly. He just doesn’t get it.
“Yeah, well, now it’s in there twice. More is better, everybody knows that.” I pointed to my crotch several times.
“Stop that. Anyway, what are you doing here; I’ve got a lot of work to do.” His desk was full of papers and files and probably some other stuff.
“I’m here to help you celebrate, boss. It’s Labor Day Weekend! We need to go out and honor America. Honor the shit right out of her!” I lit several fireworks and threw a handful of pornography at Jack’s secretary. Once the smoke had cleared, Jack put down the papers he was working on to address me.
“And what, exactly, would we be celebrating for Labor Day, Dan?” I froze. Jack had pinpointed my one weakness: Knowledge. Specifically, my not having any of it.
“It’s… you know…we’re commemorating…American Independence, the end of our oppression.” It was a shot in the dark, and I wasn’t sure it was going to work. I pointed to my crotch a few more times to grease the wheels.
“Independence from whom, Dan?” Think fast, O’Brien, and don’t say ‘Robot Overlords.’
“From…from the…[Don't.]…the giant, mechanical…[Don't you dare.]…mobot moverlords.” Nailed it. That was a close one.
“You have no idea what Labor Day is about, do you?” Okay, he was right, but I could still spin this. It was time to get all philosophical up in this bitch.
“Can you really know a holiday, Jackson 5? I mean, when you think about it, can anyone really know anything, for sure?” That shit was smooth and deep. I’m like Socrates wrapped in Shaft, sometimes, I swear to God. I sat down on the edge of Jack’s desk. “You see, Labor, is actually the Japanese word for ‘Christmas,’ so Labor Day for us is like Christmas for the Japanese, where they gather around their Christmas Trees which, of course, they call maize, and they sing carols but not about Christmas, and not with their mouths. Instead, they-”
“I’m going to stop you right there, I think you’re actually making this room more retarded with every second that you keep talking.” Can that actually happen? “Dan, I’m sending you on an assignment.”
“An assignment? Sweet Screaming Tits, finally! I’ll get some more pornography.” He stopped me.
“It’s not that kind of assignment, Dan. No assignment I give you will ever be that kind of assignment. I want you to go out and figure out what Labor Day is all about. Do some real reporting, write up a story, the whole deal.”
“I get it.” I squinted and shook my head like a total badass. “You’re afraid to get your hands dirty, so you’re sending me out to the streets to dig up some answers.”
“Uh huh. Whatever. Anything that gets you out of the office for a while.”
“I won’t let you down,” I said, knowing full well that I would, in fact, let him way the hell down. As I left his office, I lit a few more firecrackers and casually tossed them behind my back.
***
I had my assistant set up an appointment with Fiona McDowel, the current head of the Federal United Labor Union and got a series of tough, hard-hitting questions together.
Journalism is a tricky business. You need to be sure that the person you’re interviewing feels comfortable around you, comfortable enough to give straight, honest answers. If you ask too many questions or if you give them a look that can be described as particularly “rapey,” they can –and they would be right to– end the interview. If even for one second they feel even the slightest bit ill at ease, it is their right to refuse to answer questions, and the last thing you need is an interview without a subject. An interview without a subject is poison to the journalism game. It’s what we in the business call “Shit in the Coffee,” because both of those things are unfavorable. (Picture a nice cup of coffee. Now picture it with poop in it. Can you see why that would be a problem? Good, you’re on your way to being a first-class journalist.)
Now, while it is your job as a journalist to make sure your subject is completely comfortable at all times, you don’t want to do so at the risk of losing the story. It would be easy to lob softball questions at a subject all day; that would be totally comfortable, especially if you’re interviewing the star batter of the softball team. Comfortable though that may be, a story without some degree of controversy will feel flat, so eventually, you’ll need to ask some seriously hard-hitting questions.
It is the unenviable job of the journalist to walk this delicate tightrope, trying to keep a subject at ease enough to complete the interview, but enraged enough to give out some juicy, perhaps dirty, secrets.
This precarious tightrope-balancing metaphor is made even more precarious if you’re hoping to bone whomever you happen to be interviewing.
This might be a problem.
“Miss McDowel,” I said when she sat down, “thank you for agreeing to meet with me.”
“It’s Mrs. McDowel,” she corrected.
“It’s Miss, actually,” I re-corrected, with a wink. She gave me a look that either said “I’m confused and offended” or “I’m just seconds away from ripping my pants off.” [It should be noted that this is the look that, in my mind, every woman everywhere constantly wears on her face at all times.]
“Anyway,” I began, stretching, (but, really, flexing), my arms behind my back, “we should really get started. See if we can’t clear up this whole ‘Labor Day’ business once and for all.”
“There’s really no mystery,” she said, mysteriously. “In the late 1800s, some labor unions got together and decided that the hardworking, blue collar types deserved a day off and a parade. So, a day in September was established as a day of rest and celebration for these laborers and… I’m sorry, are you sure you don’t want to write any of this down?”
“Don’t you worry your pretty little ass, Miss McDowel. I’ve got it all up here.” At ‘here’ I pointed to my head, so to suggest that I was mentally writing down the words that she was saying. This was, of course, ludicrous, as all of my mental ability was focused on not pointing towards my crotch while we talked. There was an intense battle going on in my head between good and evil over this very subject. Nothing punctuates a sentence like a good ole’ crotch point. Indicating your genitals is Nature’s period, Evil would say. When has a crotch point ever not resulted in a fairly aggressive lawsuit, Good would wisely point out.
Seriously. This is what it’s like in my head. All the time.
“Alright, Mr. O’Brien, if you’re sure that you have all of this, I’ll keep going.” I nodded, so as to say I’m sure, and I refrained from repeatedly jabbing my fingers towards my groin, so as to say
I’m not going to court over this again. It was interesting to watch Fiona speak, and I politely informed her as such.
She was very animated when she spoke, and it was clear from the hint of a smile and the twinkle in her eye that she was very passionate about the topic of labor laws and unions. I almost felt sorry for the poor girl, because those were some of the most boring fucking things I’ve ever heard about. Still, it was wonderful to watch her speak, flailing her arms around, pausing only to sip at her coffee. It was so wonderful, in fact, that I didn’t even pay attention to a word she’d actually said. So wonderful, in fact, that I found myself staring still, even after she’d already left.
So, my sexy, expert subject had left and I’d completely ignored every sexy little word that came out of that filthy mouth of hers. In the world of journalism, when presented with a situation like this, it is said that you’ve been handed “A Strawberry Cock Sundae with Shit Sauce.” In terms everyone can understand, I was totally screwed.
Or was I?
The clock was ticking, nearing towards deadline. I had no story, no subject, and absolutely no interest in doing any further research. But what I did have was a wild imagination and an uncanny ability to create a touching and heartwarming piece of journalism so fucking moving you just might cry, if you weren’t too busy rubbing your genitals on the paper in a futile attempt to have sex with the story.
I started writing. Furiously, not bothering to correct typos or wipe the page when I started drooling on it. I thought about what labor meant to me. How, before my career as a wild and passionate blogger, I had a slightly less glamorous job working as a dishwasher. I thought about how, on busy nights, an impossible number of plates would stack up and up and even the slightest deviation –like taking one sip of water– would set me back immensely. At first, it seemed like no matter how many I washed, I’d never get through them all. But I took them. One dish at a time. I thought about how the quiet tranquility brought on by both the repetitive, circular hand-washing motion and the monotonous whir of the giant, mechanical dishwasher drowned out the rest of the world and made the work almost soothing, almost peaceful. I thought about the pride I took when that last batch of dishes made its way through the machine, off the racks and onto the shelves. When I could turn to Hector, the Kitchen Chief, and wipe my hands and say “No más,” ["No more."] All I had to look upon was that sparkling kitchen.
Completely silent. completely clean.
I thought about my wrinkled, calloused, hands, nearly destroyed by dish-rot, and the amount of t-shirts I had to throw away once they’d been completely ruined by sweat. I thought about the feeling I’d get in my stomach when I could relax. When I’d finally gotten a day off and I could say, without hesitation, without sarcasm, and without doubt,
“I earned this.”
I thought about all of this as I scribbled away like a madman; the rapid, swirling motion my hand was making on the loose-leaf paper reminded me of the similar motion required to properly pre-wash a dish before loading it onto the machine. I considered what I remembered of what Miss McDowel said–about the men and women who fought to take just one day out of 365 to recognize the workers in this country– and tried desperately to tie it in to my personal anecdote of humbling and rewarding manual labor.
When I’d gotten it all out –when I’d practically cut open my veins and let my blood pour out through my pen– I held it briefly in my hands, sweat dripping off my forehead onto the page.
After some time, quietly, I said “No más.”
***
I placed my report on Jack’s desk first thing in the morning.
“I won’t lie to you, Jacktory Girl: What you have in your hands is the greatest piece of journalistic sex I will ever write.” I watched him read it, devouring each line with his eyes while his hands shook. He was speechless.
He would be for a while.
“Enjoy your Labor Day Weekend, Jack.”
I know I will.
I know I will.
More of Daniel’s writing can be found on the Internet.
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
- Leaked Excerpts from 15 Year-Old Miley Cyrus's "Memoir" - October 24th, 2008
September 8th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I’m sorry about the whole “cancer” thing. Sometimes I just open old wounds, but it’s really just because i’m insecure about my own Tuberculaids. That’s a combination of Tuberculosis and AIDS. It’s the first known case and I’m afraid everyone will think less of me for it so I lash out at those responsible for other illnesses hoping no one will discover mine. Damn Jews and their bubonic plague … uh oh there I go again.
@jozza Why thank you! I am pretty damn awesome! And you’re not too shabby yourself. Rowr.
September 5th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Snake Pope!
September 5th, 2008 at 6:08 am
neil is awsome
September 4th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
That’s probably why you don’t see chemistry sets and ant farms around anymore.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Seriously, how long are we gonna give Shana shit for the whole cancer thing. Okay, yes, she invented Cancer. Fine. She was a kid, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids.
Jesus.
September 4th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Exactly.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Yeah Neil, I already apologized for cancer wtf.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Neil, blaming Shana for Cancer:
Not cool, man.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Thanks Dan, that’s sweet.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
oh, ok, cool, sorry
September 4th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Hey, Neil, back off Shana. She’s a person I know in real life. She’s protected.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
It’s bitches like Shana that try to ruin everyone’s fun that keeps Cancer thriving. Think about it.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
My god, you girls are so stupid. It’s people like you that keep sexism thriving.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
he will marry everybody!!
September 4th, 2008 at 11:23 am
wow - over 300 comments. Why i remember when your average cracked entry would only get about 12 comments and when 300 comments was a huge accomplishment … one worthy of an anal reward. ah the good ol’ days of like 4 months ago.
September 4th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Thanks el Zilcho and Dante. As for marriage proposals, I will marry everybody. Everybody.
September 4th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Dan, this is one of your more finer works, and whilst you were still staring at the same spot the lovely “miss” fiona was sitting, where you perchance thinking about what you could do to that snake pope in order to make you the next snake pope?
Long Live Dan O’Brien, the next snake pope
September 4th, 2008 at 5:34 am
@Shana: im 21
@DP13: fuck off,if you will.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:22 am
DOB, you fuckin crack me up so bad.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:59 am
Also DP13 its not a little kid size crush, its a huge, womanly, i’m going to do dirty things to you on our wedding night crush.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:55 am
Oh DOB now you’re living the rock star lifestyle-e some people are a little bit jealous me thinks!
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Hey, Shana, you wouldn’t happen to be working for the snake monster queen would you? America hater!
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:50 pm
DOB”S not gay, good thing his boyfriend is.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Shana, don’t be so mean to the poor pathetic preteens. They can’t help it that they have a little kid crush on DOB.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:11 pm
“shadyzladii” how old are you. I’m going to guess about 9, maybe 11 at most. Does your mother know that you are using her computer?
And by your name it would appear that you are already taken by “shady”.
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:47 pm
@Shana: Hmmm… it appears i will have to kill you now. Where do you live? Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to marry a random blogger that i have never met, and probably will never meet, who lives on a different continent to me, is there??
@DOB: Dude, you still haven’t accepted my proposal :P!!!
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
This was very funny.
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out DOB was gay. You girls are pathetic.
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
It should be noted that, even though I’m in Texas reading this blog, my face very clearly reads “I’m just seconds away from ripping my pants off.”
…Just saying…
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:38 am
@DOB - yea, I know what you mean - i left out Del and Living Legends because of deltron and murs.
Also, if Doom or madlib are involved in any way I’m in (especially madvillain)
Holy shit, the comments on this thread are nearing the 300 mark. And DOB did it without the help of Arrested Development.
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:14 am
ooh fuck just realized that you did ask first…
oh well!! my proposal was WAAYY cooler
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:11 am
@Morrisey the consumer monkey: Haha!! ur too late!! DOB IS MINE!!!!!!
i asked first, so i get to marry him:P
SO THERE!!!
Confiucious he say, when in doubt, act like a spoilt two year old…
Aaahhhhh so true:P
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:28 am
shadyzladii you suck donkey balls.
Daniel I was going to ask you to marry me last year when I finished Bartender!
I’ll settle for a trophey fuck
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:24 am
This blog is a fucking work of art!!!
Daniel O’Brien i want you to MARRY ME!!!!!!
Go on my page to get my contact details and we’ll set a date
P.S. DOB ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF!!!!
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:48 am
Ahhh a muted marriage proposal. Nothing beats the feeling!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:29 pm
@Neil-
My man! Good picks. Jedi Mind Tricks Hell yeah. Also, frigging atmosphere. Sometimes when I mention Brother Ali and Sage, I take it for granted that people don’t just assume Atmosphere’s included. But any of the many Slug/Ali Slug/Sage Slug/Ali/Sage collaborations are some of my favorite joints.
#Greengoddess-
I love you, too.
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
I know I’m chiming in a little late, but the more I read DOB, the more I love DOB.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:15 pm
FUCK! How did I miss a music conversation? This beats all hell. I too enjoy the ska and the metal and the like. I also enjoy the hip hop. DOB lives up to his title as the archbishop of hiphop with offering up Brother Ali, Blackstar, and Sage Francis. Let me offer some other remedies for this hiphop-sucks-itis:
Immortal Technique
Soul Position
Deltron 3030
Murs
Busdriver
Atmosphere
Jedi Mind Tricks
Pharoah Monche
Aceyalone
The Pharcyde
and of course some hip hop gods:
Wu-Tang Clan
Afrika Bambaataa
De La Soul
A Tribe Called Quest
Public Enemy
and so on.
oh … and I agree, glendoor does rule
and i’m 21
and Metalbrainsurgery - u should check out the website i’m working for: http://www.MyMusicSite.com - it allows independent artists to sell their music online via downloads and ringtones. That means all the followers of DOB could make the anti-hannah montana song their ringtone.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:20 am
Good work mr obrien! i’ve been a fan of yours since lickmyjesus
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 am
god you write a lot of nothing.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 am
^ Obviously Kingmonkey. Sorry pal, your not fooling anyone.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 am
Daniel will you marry me?
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:58 am
Great blog, love it. D.O.B.ermann, du bist der Beste.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:19 am
Would it be illegal for me to offer all the teenagers here some hard lemonade and condoms?
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:34 am
G Stone, in order to do the arithmetic you suggest, one would need to actually know DOB’s age. Since it haven’t that info handy, I’ve developed my own conclusions based in part on handwriting analysis. Given the stick figure artistry (lacking genitals), his ability to profoundly confuse (is it poop or dood?), a caped penis seemingly flying, and a penchant for personifying a bad boob job then one could conclude he may be around six. His use of color and thickness bumps him up to about 8.
Which makes you, according to the algorithm, 23.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:57 am
This tantilizing expose was unsatisfying.
my attempt to have sex with the story was unsuccessful
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:55 am
But, Gladstone, that gives us the equation (22 x near death)/2. And with advances in modern medicine, that puts your age at about 50.
Gladstone is 50, guys. He said it.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:38 am
A good way to determine my age is to average DOB’s age and how old DOB likes to claim I am.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:26 am
lol the snake pope reminds me of the space pope website. i also love it whenever jack pretends to not be totally shocked and disgusted by ur acts of ridiculousness in the blog stories. but i dont get the jack jokes at all, i.e. jacktus jack, jacktory, etc. but anyway ur blogs r the best!
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:21 am
Oh!!! your notebook has “glendoor rulz” on it too? Everyones should.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:25 pm
that piece of paper looks alot like my english notebook.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Thank God I don’t eat while reading your articles Dan, because I would have choked to death from laughing by now. Great stuff!!! The crotch pointing references were priceless.
September 1st, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Statitsicly works for me.
But staretitsicly is better.
Touchtitsicly however is better still.
It is king amongst men; god amongst kings.
September 1st, 2008 at 10:13 pm
For the first time in my life I wish I was a labor union expert so DOB would interview me while pointing at himself suggestively…
September 1st, 2008 at 10:02 pm
doh I meant statisticly
September 1st, 2008 at 9:51 pm
oh and if you didnt like that one then you will like this one, its statitsicly proven.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHBzSqeM6KQ&fmt=18
September 1st, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Dear gods, this article actually caused a humourgasm in my brain.
September 1st, 2008 at 9:45 pm
By the beard of Zues! Much has happend since I was here last, did anyone check out Opeth?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmxNl6oYmn0&fmt=18
September 1st, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I’m speechless.
September 1st, 2008 at 8:46 pm
@wallsy american cheese actually really good, any one slice is rich in calcium and….oh fuck it. Look we all no america can’t invent new cheese worth a damn…as far as hating america, well I have to tell you that Cracked is american (except for DOB he’s actually from heaven).
@thatcat4 no worries, were all a little retard (provided you’ve ever read an article by Swaim)
September 1st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
tl;dr
September 1st, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I wish I hadn’t just read this so I could read it again.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:49 pm
thatcat4- It’s alright, people think I’m retarded all the time.
On purpose, though.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I laughed at every single line in this article….
My roomie now thinks I’m completely retarded, as opposed to only slightly.
Oh wells…
September 1st, 2008 at 2:45 pm
DOB didn’t even win tic tac with HIMSELF.
September 1st, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I forgot cheap and plentiful.
September 1st, 2008 at 2:41 pm
American cheese is just like most American women; easy to open, tasteless and disposable. I just stuck the “most” in there to appease American female Cracked readers.
September 1st, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Just another example of why Dan is the shit. “If you weren’t too busy rubbing your genitals on the paper in a futile attempt to have sex with it.” Just brilliant!
September 1st, 2008 at 10:11 am
Great.
Now I’m going to be fighting the urge to point at my genitals to emphasize words today.
September 1st, 2008 at 9:58 am
But I am working today…
September 1st, 2008 at 9:15 am
ummm… 248th!
September 1st, 2008 at 8:53 am
Is it just me or do Dan’s eyebrows wrap around his eyes down along his nose? I enjoyed the report
September 1st, 2008 at 6:08 am
Im mailing you some hand grenades Daniel ,Watch out jack
September 1st, 2008 at 5:46 am
She has that sort of ‘naughty librarian’ look, like she could throw off her glasses, then undo her hair clip and throw herself at you across a desk.
Although, if America elected their leaders or vice leaders on hotness/hotness of spouse then we’d have a Dennis Kucinich/Fred Thompson nightmare ticket.
And Marey Carey would be running for more than governor of California.
August 31st, 2008 at 11:09 pm
First of all, DOB - I love your work. Not in a disturbing romantic way (though I did have a dream about you one time, only instead of your face it was Jessica Alba’s…and instead of your body it was also Jessica Alba’s…but I somehow still knew it was you. Seriously, we should go out for coffee sometime)
Am I too late to go back and agree with the Sergeant re: Sarah Palin?
I had no fucking idea who she was. But Google educated me, and I have to agree that she is a fox.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:54 pm
I love Bartender. Your comics are.. something else.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Good point, Shana.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Dan, why does your link just lead to cracked? Isn’t that kind of pointless?
August 31st, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Thank you, Haligirl, thank you.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
tshp: I hate America and freedom, but I love cheese. I hate American cheese though. You people have no idea what food is supposed to taste like.
Swaim: Best comment on this entry.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:07 pm
yet another fabulous column DOB!
August 31st, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I prefer “you, shithead, stop raping my fucking dog.”
August 31st, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Swain’s name is pronounced just like it’s spelled. M-I-C-H-E-A-L S-W-A-I-N. Or “Hey Dickhead” if you prefer.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:21 pm
@ thsp, I’m saving myself for marriage (the ho’s are purely for payin’ the bills). And yes, what is freedom without cheese?
August 31st, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I swear i’ve seen swaim on tv. isn’t he on Best Week Ever?
August 31st, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Oh Swaim, you’re such a dick. And how do you pronounce your last name?
August 31st, 2008 at 3:39 pm
TL;DR
August 31st, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I bet Glendoor’s Leprechaun isn’t really Irish, and is instead a Canadian stand-in Leprechaun called Adam.
The rise of non-Irish stand-ins in the world of Leprechauns is a little known fact.
August 31st, 2008 at 3:38 pm
DOB,
Id like to suggest that your use of the term “rapey”
might cause some misunderstandings.
I made the following mistake in my e harmony ad.
“Sincere, Single, Smart, “Stdish” guy looking for a long term romance.
I am am fun loving and I’ll supply the Valtrex!
August 31st, 2008 at 2:15 pm
@RegularTexan I believe that we are witnessing the uniting of 4 kindred spirits. First there’s DP13 and Shana (the sexual tension there is palpable). And J Pappi and josie, although I will correct my previous allogation that this has anything to do with sex.
@MJ much love sweetheart. I appologize for not objectifying you more. I’ll do better. On the next post…this one is getting too long/busy. However…
@everyone who complained about the comments. I agree, these comments pages are for talking about the article. But letting people post whatever they want is about freedom. America stands for freedom, do you love america? Or freedom? Or cheese? (I totally love cheese)
@josie may I suggest you start your own thread in the forums. So great is your awesomeness. keep on keeping on.
@glendoor the monster that lives under my bed is named Jeffery.
August 31st, 2008 at 11:48 am
@ DP13 I don’t know what his name is, never has come up. Next time I see him I’ll ask him.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:53 am
HOW IS THIS CONVO STILL GOING???
August 31st, 2008 at 7:39 am
Wow. A lot happened.
J-Pappi- That bass line… Still just Dan.
Glendoor- J-Pappi and I would like to know what the name of your leprechaun is.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:29 am
I liked the part about pre-washing dishes. I could relate to it.
August 31st, 2008 at 3:22 am
Wow, late to the party… as always.
August 31st, 2008 at 2:58 am
Cops panic me too. Hate em. K..BBNS (be back not soon) gonna finish this game and re-read your messages..Eazy-E..
August 31st, 2008 at 2:52 am
No, the deep end of a 9-foot swimming pool is enough for me. And the last time I panicked was about two hours ago and involved a cop and a roach in my ashtray. And yes, I’m thoroughly aware we’re boring everyone which is why I sent you my e-mail address in my last message, silly Josie. Check them.
August 31st, 2008 at 2:46 am
I’m kicking the everlasting shit out of them. They absolutely are used to me ignoring them while I play on the ‘puter..hold on..
K. Panic 40 feet down isn’t enough for you? Even though I practiced in the pool a bunch, I had no clue down there. Don’t get me wrong..it’s great down there. We have lotsa fish. Pretty colors..we swim into this little reef..aha! that’s where the fish are. But the reality is this: I’m breathing into this little tube 40 feet down.
You know we are boring everyone who may be awake..so..tit for tat and all that good stuff. When was the last time YOU panicked..
August 31st, 2008 at 2:35 am
Just general panic? I can relate to that; xanax is my best friend. And it was plain old hamburgers, though mine are fucking awesome. Foreman’s get rid of too much of the grease; you need to go with charcoal and hickory chips.
What was going through your mind with the panic? Inquiring minds want to know…and the girls left? Sounds like time for a funky bass line to kick in!
August 31st, 2008 at 2:28 am
I want a god damn leprechaun. What about my needs? What about me? I’ll tell you the scariest dive, but is hugely boring. I’ve been diving eight years. My first dive. I thought I was going to die 40 feet down. Talk about panic.
The girls left..now we’re playing Scrabble. And consuming. How’d the whole grilling thing go? Whatdya cook? We had steak. Nothing like a good George Foreman..
August 31st, 2008 at 2:18 am
Thrill seeker. Now I got “So What” by Ministry playing in my head; good job, Josie (and no, I’m not being sarcastic). Glendoor’s got a fucking good luck Leprechaun; he’ll be ok. What’s the scariest dive experience you’ve ever had?
August 31st, 2008 at 1:54 am
The thrill seeker in me wants you to write while you’re going through it..
August 31st, 2008 at 1:52 am
@Glendoor..so I’m not crazy. Dude..you have a storm a’comin’. Spark it. Lay low. Drink lot’s of water. Wait..that’s what you do when lava is flowing on you. Um..try not to lose your roof. Apparently that blows..
August 31st, 2008 at 1:43 am
@ ZiggyTheZ WAR EAGLE!!!! and Yes and I believe we are from the same town.
@ Josie there are tropical storm watches about 90 miles from where I live, so right now I don’t know what’s going to happen. They can’t predict the weather more than 24 hours anyway.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:21 am
Yup..you and me both..everyone ignores me anyway when I’m writing..
August 31st, 2008 at 1:15 am
Be Back Soon; I’m good but not good enough to drink, type and grill.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:13 am
To this day, I can’t personally bait a hook..gross. I make the guys do it. But I do like fishing. Depends who your with, I suppose. BBS. Huh?
August 31st, 2008 at 1:06 am
A boy or a catfish? Really though; I’ve been wanting to shark dive my whole life. BBS.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:05 am
Will do, Ma’am; gotta grab the meat of the grill first (and no that’s not a metaphor), then I’ll slap on the Captain’s hat and play my organ (that one is).
Ziggy, “War Eagle” it up while you can; my Dawgs look forward to running all over you for the 3rd year in a row later in the season and would appreciate you being undefeated at the time to boost our strength of schedule. But yeah, it’s great to be a Southerner; no lie at all.
Now, I’m going to take a brief hiatus.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:03 am
I have swum? with sharks. Shark dives are the bomb…I swam with them in Maui…so we have underwater hand signals and shit (”are you okay?”) (”let’s go here..”) you get the point..and today I was so freaked I couldn’t communicate. Every diver around me is signaling and all I can see is the rain, turtles (everywhere..they’re fun), eelfish bugging me and the shore… miles away. I’m pretty much out of air. I’m, oddly enough, not a strong swimmer. Panic.
It was terrifying.
Catfish. I come from a family of boys..that’s the first fish I ever caught.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:59 am
Midgets!
Truly you are the Captain to my Tennille.
Opinionate me, Dr. J-.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:58 am
Thanks Aiden. I’ll definitely try that on a shitty pawnshop bass before working on something good.
@glendoor Fuck yeah War Eagle. I’m so glad football season has started again. It’s magical in Alabama.
@glendoor, josie, J-Pappi, and MBS, I’m from the south too. We appreciate good comedy way better than those long-nosed yankee crackers. Am I right??
August 31st, 2008 at 12:52 am
Midgets, Tulip; midgets. Remember your parables. And I never said I wasn’t drinking too and I damn sure didn’t say anything about sleeping. If you’re still up in a few I’ll regale you with an opinion you might have some fun with.
Josie, I always wondered if people actually just walked out into the water from the beach with scuba gear on; that must be pretty tight. What’s the shark action like out there? We don’t get too many in my front yard pond, though bass and catfish get fucked up on a regular basis.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:40 am
Not drinking and sleep are for old people and I forget who else, J.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:36 am
We didn’t have enough tanks for everyone. Jim had to sit it out..we went out on this guy’s boat..dove (it’s unbelievably cool), then went and did a shore dive. Meaning..we walked into the water and dove. I’m really far out there (some eelfish followed my every move) and when I came up, it was raining like crazy. I sorta panicked. This equipment is heavy. Can I swim back? I did make it. Everyone gave me shit. Fuckers..now I’m making them dinner..
August 31st, 2008 at 12:34 am
Hell yeah; y’all live off pork and pineapple. Only stoned folk or pregnant women would come up with that combination. And yes, I like it too and I’m not pregnant.
Aiden, I’m not that bad a player but I refuse to go beyond changing my strings without consulting someone much more mechanically inclined than I. I’m lucky to be able to light the grill without burning my face off.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:28 am
Damn straight; look to all the problems in the world and what do you find behind them? The GOT-damn white man! Subhaanallah, my brother.
How did the dive go, Josie? Us black folk are scared of water.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:27 am
Hey Shana..sorry again. Super fucking bitchy.
J-Pappi..We’re (people here) glad you’re going to be good and stoned for this little rainstorm. Oh how we know tropical storms.
You know..we know good weed here..just kinda putting it out there..
August 31st, 2008 at 12:10 am
Will do Archbishop, sir.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:09 am
Man, anyone who says “This new hip-hop shit sucks” just isn’t looking hard enough. Take two CC’s of Brother Ali, a handful of Black Star, and enough Sage Francis to choke and elephant, and then call me in the morning.
“New hip-hop sucks.” You stupid white mothafuckas.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:08 am
Sorry Shana. I’m a bitch.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:04 am
Well shit, upon closer inspection, if I didn’t add the part about lacquer, I’d feel like even more of a dick; all just posting a wordier version of what DOB already said :S
That said, lacquer is important!
So… Hah!
August 31st, 2008 at 12:03 am
Man, motherfuck that midtown traffic. Oingo Boingo? Good God; please no. Yeah, some aspects of the 80’s are best left to VH1.
King Diamond, now there’s some shit I haven’t heard in a while. Never cared for his vocals all that much, but the music was bad-ass. All bands need at least two lead guitarists to be worth a fuck (except Sabbath); so sayeth J-Pappi.
Nah, MBS and I are in North/Central Ga; it’ll rain like a motherfucker and have some mean gusts, but we got big trees. I’ll do like I do with all hurricanes and just sit out on the porch and do bong hits.
Tulip Sniper, you’ve been drinking again. Back to your room; I’ll deal with you later young lady.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:02 am
josie what are you talking about and what makes you think you have a right to be so condescending. Never mind I really don’t care.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:00 am
So my bad. *curtsy..head tilt* Metal head boy, apparently you’re not hearing well.
Is Gustav going to affect you in any way? In an effort to change the conversation (so dull and infantile Wallsy had to intervene..don’t get me wrong. You kids are cute and all, but enough already.)
Get a fucking room.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Yeah if you would care to talk just send me a message and ask for my screen name or something.
http://www.cracked.com/members/Shana_F
August 30th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
@ZiggytheZ:
They actually don’t make Soundgear 6 string fretless; I would have had one by now - trust me, haha. But yeah, to make a fretless it isn’t hard - you need to pull out the frets, as DOB said with pliers a hammer and a wedge and stuff - but be careful with a nice bass, because if you crack the fingerboard, you’re fucked. Then you need to sand it down a little, to take off the coating that they put on the fingerboard to protect it - light rubbing with a low-grade sandpaper will do the trick. After that, you put a bit of wood filler in where the frets were - I’d try to match it as closely as possible to the woodgrain (the lines won’t work like they would on a lined fretless, and, at least personally, that would confuse the shit out of me - just a personal recommendation.) Last step is to paint it down with something HEAVY, thick and strong - a good, heavy lacquer or even boat epoxy (Jaco did that,) because roundwound strings on a bare Ibanez neck will tear up the bubinga fingerboards that they use on the Soundgear line. Even flatwounds would chew it up eventually.
Hope that helps you out - definitely best to try it on some 50 dollar pawnshop POS before you start to work on anything nice. If you’re worried, you could also just get a luthier to do it for you; more expensive, but way safer.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
and dp13
August 30th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
josie gustav is heading for New Orleans LA, which is a long ass way away from GA and AL.
Wallsy, I agree. its mostly josie that keeps this nonsense going.
gabby women.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
I had to stop reading this several times so I could stop laughing enough to continue. This is the funniest thing that has ever been on this site.
And speaking of stopping reading, I really have to stop reading the comments. You people just suck the funny right out of the whole page. Take it to private messages or emails or whatever. No one else here cares.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Yeah, metal brain, I know. Thus the concern. Is it a threat to you?
August 30th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
And it’s because there are more awesome people commenting on this blog than on the other ones.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
and josie, j-pappi and i live in GA, Glendoor42 lives in alabama.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Son of a B, why does the weather hate them so much?
August 30th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
yay for oingo boingo, pedobear approves. Acutally that song is about midgets.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Why do Dan’s blogs always turn into conversations?
August 30th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Sweet pea. It’s only a hurricane. Big one, too..headed straight for New Orleans.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Ha
August 30th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Dp are you serious?
August 30th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Oh damn, Nevermind.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Who’s this Gustav fellow you’re speaking of?
August 30th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Sorry. I was napping through that exchange.. I’m kinda worried Gustav is going to hit Glendoor and J-Pappi..
They kinda live there..
August 30th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
It’s only midnight, josie. It’s not teeth brushin’ time yet.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
What
August 30th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
D: It’s a classic novel by Vladmir Nabokov
August 30th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Kids. Get a room. Brush your teeth.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Nope. Never heard of it.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
That’s Danny Elfmen, he wrote the Simpson’s theme song and the sound track for like every Tim Burton movie.
And have you ever read Lolita?
August 30th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
The 80s was a pedophile?!
August 30th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
That’s the 80s bro.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Oingo Boingo
August 30th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
What. The. Fuck. Was that?!
August 30th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
Haha I mean like shitty 80s music. This song has been stuck in my head. I’m currently reading the book Lolita so this song comes into my head every time I pick it up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jItz-uNjoZA
And The Bitch Went Nutz was a leak from his new album but it was actually a fake song that he leaked himself. It’s funny. It should be on his myspace still I think.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
MBS, I sent you a friend thing on MySpace, btw.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
DOB is the Archbishop of Hip Hop. I believe you called hip hop “shitty.”
What do you mean by 80’s?
August 30th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Children of Bodom, there’s your money metal.
What was this blog about again?
August 30th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Oh and DP and Shana, I am 18, so we’re all close in age.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
no i didnt
August 30th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
80’s music you say? Can you slightly more specific? I hate New Wave and 80’s pop (except for Michael Jackson), but I love me some Ozzy, Metallica (pre black album), King Diamond (something you all should also check out), and a ton of other 80s bands. 80’s metal was where it was at (not hair metal)
August 30th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Hey Metal, did you hear “The Bitch Went Nutz” yet?
August 30th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Bitches aint shit was such a good cover. When ever I sing it people give me odd looks.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Anybody like 80s music?
August 30th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
I love Ben Folds, especially Bitches aint shit.
No crap I’m playing off Kingmoneky, he’s my schizophrenic alter ego. (sorry for not telling you kingmonkey, but you’re me)
ok so he’s totaly not (or is he, I have no idea). But yes I am playing off of him. Why not.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Shouldn’t say what?
August 30th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
You shouldn’t say that around the Archbishop, Shana.
J-Pappi- I’ll list off of my iPod: AC/DC, Aerosmith, The Beatles, Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Bob Marley… It’s a very long list of things from before my time. I just don’t think music is good anymore. There are some exceptions that I do like (Dropkick Murphys, Weezer, Coheed and Cambria) but I don’t even listen to the radio anymore, because I can’t stand what’s coming out of it. Like Soulja Boy. “Crank dat” has like, 5 words in it. Two of them are his name. One of them is “supersoak.” That’s not music. It’s just noise.
I agree with you about rap though. I like gangsta rap, but this newer stuff doesn’t really appeal to me. Ludacris, though. I like him.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Opeth..K. Metal-brain guy is so playing off of Kingmonkey. Way to be original. Sorry, want to write more..especially because the teenagers think J-Pappi and I are having an affair..and apparently I’m a bit of a dick for being a diver..
but opeth awaits..
August 30th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
I’m not a ska head or anything, I just listen to some bands. I listen to mostly like Ben folds, David Bowie, The Beatles, Flight of the Conchords, Modest Mouse, and a lot of japanese stuff that I doubt any of you have heard of. And LMC of course.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Will do upon my return, my man. Will do. The last band you turned me onto rocked.
And tshp, thanks for the props. But you know what Big Daddy kane said about pimpin’.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Nice bass, dude. I’ve never played a 5 string, though my bass experience is limited to begin with.
OK, I’m off for a bit to consume mass quantities. Y’all play nice while I’m gone.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
and j-pappi, this young whippersnapper here likes some good music. Btw if you havent heard of them, I recommend you check out Opeth. That goes for all of you. you must listen to opeth.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Now DP, I honed my chops on Slayer and Obituary (my primary guitar is a Jeff Hanneman sig. series ESP); screaming Friday’s into a mic is fine as long as there’s some mega skilled thrashing underneath. What do you consider to be back in the dizay, just out of curiosity? Also, since we were on the subject of Glendoor, he has a Leprechaun living behind his wainscoting. You should ask him if it’s named Patrick O’McMurphy.
Yes, Shana; ska has actually been around quite a while (though you probably know that). I get into it occasionally, though not my standard medium of hearing impairment. Rap is only good if it’s old-school hardcore shit. The rest is just nonsense.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
@DOB: First off, sorry for not commenting here sooner, still having computer problems.
Just wanted to say I recently bought a bass, since you brought up bass playing.
Check it.
http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj108/Metalbrainsurgery/IMG_3813.jpg
August 30th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
All my friends listen to shitty rap and hip hop. It’s just stereo typical black guys listing drugs and making noises.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
J pappi- Yeah, ska is always good for lifting moods.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Reel Big Fish isn’t really popular. If you want to know what young whippersnappers are listening to, it’s called screamo, and it’s the worst type of music I’ve ever heard. They pretty much just yell into a microphone. They could be reading off of the TGI Friday’s menu for all I know, because you can’t understand them. It’s nothing like the music from back in the dizay.
August 30th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Howdy, all; got a few before I leave again. DP (who, BTW, is already well on his way to hell; I’m only gently guiding), Glendoor is an Auburn fan, and they’re confused as to whether their mascot is an Eagle, a Tiger or an Indian. Glendoor, I have not responded to your message yet because I DVR’d a particular game (no, not the Georgia one which was a foregone conclusion) and I want to watch it when I get back without knowing the score.
Now what’s this about me wanting to “hook up” with people? Anyone who thinks I’m ever doing anything other than being neighborly just hasn’t been paying attention.
MJ, you didn’t jump on and start talking about your tits; you have to let folks know you want attention! Don’t ask and you don’t receive, unless you’re on a really crowded bus with a pervert.
Reel Big Fish, huh? So THAT’s what you young whippersnappers listen to these days; I’ll have to check it out. As for DOB, he probably stepped in here when the acid had just kicked in and left immediately to go play ping-pong in the dark with a florescent ball.
August 30th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
You know what’s weird? DOB just kind of left. He came in here, said “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!” and disappeared.
If I were to walk into a room full of people I knew, who were just talking about stuff, yelled “what the fuck is going on here?!?!?!” and then walked away, people would think I escaped a mental hospital. But DOB gets away with it.
I’m jealous.
August 30th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
“But.” I meant to say “but.” Not “nut.”
August 30th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
It bothers me, too, nut only because at the beginning of a sentence, I don’t know whether or not to capitalize it.
August 30th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Everyone wants josie. The fact that the ‘j’ is not capitalized bothers me.
August 30th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I think it may have become a dating site, roughly around the same time josie got here.
August 30th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
@ tshp
Thanks for the summary, I can never be bothered reading all the comments…
When did DOBs blog become a dating site? More importantly why does nobody want to date me?!!? Screw you all to hell! I am officially boycotting this comments page and if anyone does think I’m totally awesome they can tell me about it on the HBN blog when it’s up straight after they Digg the shit out of it.
August 30th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
YESSSSS Lunch Money Criminals just came on shuffle<3 I am indeed a crazy fan.
August 30th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Glendoor. What the hell?
August 30th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
@DP13 thanks for the correction.
@J Papi I am sorry for slighting your macking skills. You’ve got mad skills. Forgive me.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
TOUCHDOWN AUBURN!!!!!!!!!!!WAR DAMN EAGLE!!!!!!!!!
August 30th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
@Shana: RBF-that does make it worth it. I, because I am a total loser, am watching Van Wilder…again…
@DOB: I just wanted to say, after reading bartender. Dude, just…dude. I’d like to say you are great, but that god damn cereal pimping tiger has ruined great. You are beyond great. I’d call you beautiful, but beauty fades, unbelievalble but EMF tanked that. So I will humbly submit that you are the inevitatable sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the fabric of the universe. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite the man’s sincerest efforts no one has been able to eliminate from what is otherwise a sad existance. In short you are THE close approximation of the right state of man.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Oh yeah, bitches love me.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Btw, I’m not trying to hook up with Shana (although all invitations are welcome). It’s pretty cool that there’s someone here around my age, who happens to be into the same things I like, where I thought it was just me surrounded by old people (J-Pappi, Gladstone?)
Reel Big Fish. Hell yeah.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Yeah that sums up just about everything. Except you forgot that J-Pappi also seems to be after my mom.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Haha great summary tshp. I too am home on a saturday night, but I’m currently listening to Reel Big Fish, which makes life worth it.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
DOB - I believe J-Papi is leading DP13 to hell (kudos my man) while trying to hook up with josie (again, kudos).
Josie is stuck waiting on some people to show up with oxygen tanks so she can go scuba diving (because she lives in Hawii and what’s the point of living in Hawii if you don’t make the rest of us jealous?).
Shana just infromed DP13 that she is also 16 while establishing her street cred with a few alcohol references.
DP13 just gave out his date of birth on line, while showing wicked awareness of our planets immenent destruction. (DOB, I could be wrong but I have a feeling that eventaully, after he works up the courage, DP13 will try to hook up with Shana.)
And I? I continue my streak of striking out on saturday nights with yet another blow off!!! Fuck me…serious, ladies please?
August 30th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Guys, Dan is everybody’s hero.
He’s Spiderman.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
DOB you are my hero! If you’re ever in tx I have a floor you can totally crash on.
August 30th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
I haven’t the slightest clue.
Dan is my hero.
August 30th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
We’re commenting on your blog.
August 30th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?
August 30th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Honestly, I don’t know anything about you two except that DOB may or may not have a creepy cartoon uncle from Guam. But I’m probably the least Irish person in this conversation.
August 30th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
It’s up there. He’s got the O’, You’ve got the Fitz.
August 30th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
My last name is Fitzpatrick which I think is much more Irish than O’Brien.
August 30th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
You’re right, Man of 1000 Hats. I had not thought of that.
August 30th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
DP the only thing more Irish than being named O’Brien is staggering out of your house in a brown overall and a flat cap with a face covered in coal dust yelling about the bastard English coming in and fucking everything up.
August 30th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I prefer Grand Champion of the Internet, but i guess kiddo is fine if you want.
I have a sister, btw.
August 30th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Um..yeah. That was an attempt at a joke there kiddo. Can I call ya kiddo? Do you have siblings?
August 30th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Josie. His last name is “O’Brien.” The only thing more Irish than that is a leprechaun named Patrick O’McMurphy.
Oh I hope you’re never friends with my mom.
August 30th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I’m gonna use that..Puh
Leez.
Love it..Yeah I’m still waiting for the idiots to pick me up..apparently there’s a problem with getting enough tanks or some such nonsense..so they’re going to yet another dive shop way the fuck out there to obtain.
Irish, huh? That explains everything. You think DOB is Irish? Sounds Jewish. DP..I bet I’d be friends with your Mom..she sounds cool..
August 30th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I hopped on the Smash Bros battle chariot starting with Melee.
Puh.
Leez. I would destroy you at Mario Kart with my amazing Yoshi skills.
Josie- I’m Irish, too. I openly drink in front of my parents. Not a lot, but my dad actually gives me whatever concoction (former bartender) he decides to experiment with, so I can tell him whether or not it fails.
And I don’t have PS1. I have PS2, though.
August 30th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Dp13, are you a smash bros fan? Samus ftw.
I’ll take you on in Mario Kart 64 and kick your ass with fuckin Peach.
josie- I’m of Irish heritage which explains my vast knowledge (I was a little drunk as a wee one).
August 30th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
DP and Shana..you’re both freakin’ me out with your knowledge of alcohol. *swig* *swig*
I have a Playstation 1. Yeah I’m super dorky. I love Tomb Raider and Myst.
And when I was your ages, I slept for like 18-20 hours at a time. They say that’s normal.
August 30th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
You shouldn’t have slept for a whole day, then. That’s much too long.
I still play my N64, too. Just nobody will play with me because I totally own. 12 year of practice will do that.
I agree. Rum is a pirate drink. Everybody knows there were very few girl pirates. It was bad luck.
And vodka isn’t a drink for Guidos. Jaegerbombs are a drink for Guidos. Vodka is for Russians and cold people (Russians.).
August 30th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Holy shit, I fall asleep for one day and then there are these comments. Wow.
Dp13- Yes those are all relevant. I am turning 16 in October. Fuck yeah Pokemon and N64! I still play >_>
Dan- I’ve seen that frankenbass. He showed it to me and told me about how he did it because he wanted a fret less. I laughed. Your brother’s dedication to music is astounding and quite admirable.
Jpappi- Vodka is not a drink that will put hair on your chest. It’s usually just a drink for Guidos depending on the make. If you want something strong stick to Jack Daniels, and straight Gin. How is rum girly? Just because it’s an alcohol that doesn’t taste like total shit doesn’t make it girly.
And no I don’t drink (any more).
August 30th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Josie, my avatar is Eazy-E holding up two 9mm pistols. I’m as white as a sheet (and I prefer .45’s).
And no, DD’s aren’t a pre-requisite.
Later, all; I gotsta keep the pimp hand strong and go collect my chips.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Oh… So she’s crazy, too. Bitchin’! That’s what we need in the whitehouse.
I’m going to leave for a while now. While I am gone, I cannot be responsible for what goes on here. With that said, I have to apologize to DOB for the possible political debate josie and I may or may not have just set up. You had one last week with Roseanne, so just in case this becomes part 2, I’m sorry.
-DP13.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
She’s a lifelong member of the NRA..A fucking corndog. Shoots..(that means “right on” here)..
August 30th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
And I’m not sure I get the packing heat joke.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
She has the experience of a corndog, josie. A fucking corndog.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
@DP..shoot and score. what happens if some nutbag shoots McCain? She’d be president. She has the experience of a what? At least she’ll be packing heat..
Okay J-Pappi..thanks for the smiles..I actually have to go..we’re diving today (yeah..I’m not a surfer..we call them jackasses “shark bait”..) and we’re exploring this really cool shipwreck..I’ll send pix. Is that you in your avatar? You’re a little cutie..
August 30th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
No they aren’t, josie. We don’t discriminate.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I think she was only chosen out of McCain trying to swing feminist votes. And She doesn’t seem like she actually wants to be VP, either.
cracked.com/members/DP13
I’m already friends with J-Pappi, so you can just click on his picture in my friends.
And that bass line you hear is just Dan, J-Pappi.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Hot busty girl has me so beat in the boob department. Frick..I hope, for the sake of our friendship, double Ds aren’t a prerequisite..
August 30th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Thanks for posting in-between those to ruin my timing.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
So is my game. Go to the home page, click on the batman/joker article and scroll down to the comments where I just posted. Click on me, add me as a friend and you won’t be disappointed.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
DOB..Jimmy Page called. He wants his fret back.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Only if it has sunscreen..the Hawaiian sun is vicious.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
DP..What’s wrong? What topic? Alcohol? Try eating the worm..
J-Pappi..(sigh) What, you forgot already? Tit for tat. That’s my price. So I just tried clicking on your names and it won’t let me. I’ve never asked anyone to be my friend. So..you do it and I’ll respond.
DP..what do you think of the new VP candidate (rapid subject change)..
August 30th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Ooh, just noticed an earlier line. Your mom would be cool with Josie? I think I’m hearin’ a funky bass line in the background! Sweet. Maybe I’ll bring some Bacardi after all.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Or were you fishing for a compliment? My goodness, Josie; those are the loveliest boobs I’ve ever seen! More lotion?
August 30th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Yeah, but if the Mayans are correct, then the world will end on December 12th, 2012. The day before my 21st birthday. Might as well party now, right?
And we didn’t waste much. Me and my friend just drank it, and I noticed there was a few drops left so I tried to blow it at a tiki torch. It didn’t work.
Seriously, though, can we get off this topic?
August 30th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
That’s funny, only three boobs are not too many. There is no such thing as too many boobs! Hell, my dog has six. But then again, she’s a bitch.
Now, name your price and I shall repay you.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
One is too few. Three is too many.
Many many boob references and you have yet to repay me..
August 30th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I give up! What?
August 30th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
DP..you know you have FIVE years before you can drink legally. I had a fake ID when I was 18. My Dad took it out of my purse. I stole it back out of his wallet. Huh. He never even noticed.
No..to the joke..
August 30th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Much better, my man.
Yikes; wasting perfectly good alcohol for explosives? If you were over 18 (cough, cough), I’d recommend mixing bleach and brake fluid in a plastic bottle and shaking it up; it does amazing things when quickly placed in someone’s mailbox as I recall from the dark period known as the 80’s.
August 30th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
One has an olive in it.
Don’t tell her what? That I’m friends with another 42 year old? I think she’ll be cool with it.
August 30th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
J-Pappi..I’m so popular this week..check out my friends.
JOKE: What’s the difference between a martini and a woman’s breast?
DP..I gonna be your friend too..just don’t tell your mother..
August 30th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Dammit every fucking time I post something….
J-Pappi, I wasn’t aware that was rum. I just knew it was fun.
And Shana, Hey, remember Nintendo 64? That was awesome, right?
August 30th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I have every business knowing about Bacardi and how it’s much less explosive than I hoped.
Why don’t you get a phone with a keyboard? I have one. It’s amazing. It’s just like if you bought a second hand computer from an Oompa Loompa.
It’s ok. Immature 42 year olds are the best kind if 42 year olds. Especially the really hot ones.
August 30th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
DP, DP…(sigh). Rum is for chick drinks and British sailors (though you may certainly keep it on hand for when a chick requests a daiquiri or some such thing). Bourbon, tequila, vodka, scotch; these are the things that will put hair on your chest. And the line to Shana was still a bit obvious, but you’re definitely getting warmer. It would have been better to create a sentence where you acted excited about remembering the older of the two objects, whereby her response might either have been “Oh, yes; I loved those!” or “I’m afraid those were before my time; I’m only such-and-such age.”
Josie, your wish is my command; I’m an immature 35 and reasonably hot if you’re into my type (how’s THAT for evasive?). Shoot me a friend request and tell me your joke.
August 30th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Aloha, again, DOB. Sorry to bother you..who’s Fiona? I should know, but alas popcorn has better retention.
Laters..
August 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
J-Pappi..Is that you? Evasive..I have a great joke for you.. and you so owe me..
DOB..yeah yeah. how nice for you. I’m guessing 27.
DP..You have no business knowing about Bacardi. So my niece comes here. She’s 16. Her Mom’s 42. That was a month ago. She texts me EVERYDAY. Dude, I can’t handle it..I’m like her girlfriend..
Yeah..I guess I’m a very immature 42. But really hot.
August 30th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
@Josie
If I remember correctly, we pulled each of the frets out with pliers. The stubborn ones, of which there were several, we’d hit out using a hammer and one of those metal nail-driver whaddayacalllits. (Nail drivers?)
As for my age, I’m somewhere in my twenties, and remarkably younger than the near-death Gladstone.
August 30th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Good point J-Pappi.
Shana, if I said Pokemon, would it be relevant to your childhood, or would slap (or snap) bracelets be more memorable to you?
And J-Pappi, Bacardi or no deal.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Sorry, ladies; I’ve been absent for a few days. You may now get ready for your Pappi fix.
DP13, you should never ask a lady her age directly; there are all sorts of conniving ways to draw it out of her and still appear to be a gentleman.
Then there are are girls like Josie, who just throw it out there proudly. I like it, Josie. Holla at me whenever you’re on the east coast; I