If Egypt’s Gladiator Fights a Lion, I Will Fight 11 Turkeys

From the oldest epic scrawled into tablets in the third millennium BC, to the Herculean friezes of Greece and Rome, a man's place in history has always been determined not by the strength of his character or the size of his heart, but by his eagerness to fistfight wild animals. And now, continuing the proud tradition, al-Sayed al-Essawy -- the self pro-claimed strongest man in the world -- intends to wrestle and defeat a lion for the good of Egypt. If you are unfamiliar with his story, al-Sayed al-Essawy is a 25-year-old gladiator with precisely zero gladiatorial bouts under his belt, and he recently made headlines with his promises to reluctantly punch a giant cat to death in a cage match. He's doing it to drive tourism back to Egypt … or to make a political statement about Israel -- it doesn't sound like he's completely decided yet. The only thing he's sure of is that he's going to fight that goddamn lion whether everyone likes it or not.

He's seen a lion before, right?

The subsequent media frenzy following his announcement has turned an anonymous man into a worldwide celebrity over night, and all without any proof that he actually has a lion to fight. The focus from animal rights groups, politicians and psychotherapists is overwhelming, and I can't help but wonder if all this attention is inadvertently encouraging the event everyone aims to stop and, perhaps more importantly, if there's enough of that attention that he wouldn't mind sharing some with a guy like me.

So with that in mind, I'd like to hereby formally announce my plan for a no-holds-barred fight to the death outside the old Bennigans in Pasadena, between me and 11 turkeys. It will be held one day earlier than the lion fight and everyone is invited.

My intention is not to overshadow al-Sayed al-Essawy's plan to fight a lion, but should anyone decide that 11 wild animals are superior to one, then I certainly can't help it if the media spotlight shifts to me. I am also not doing this as a political statement -- I am doing it strictly for selfish reasons; like Hercules or Gilgamesh, I intend to affect the world with my hands alone and go down in history as a hero. A hero who killed all those turkeys. Understandably, you have a lot of questions, so let's get into it.

Hey Soren, why turkeys?

Lions are dangerous. I would almost certainly be killed if I fought a lion. That goes for most animals that weigh more than me and have claws/teeth/horns/venom. I am spectacularly brave but I'm also not stupid and I respect the limitations of man.

Also, I figure 11 turkeys are about the size of one lion if you smashed them all together. Assuming they weigh 25 pounds each then it will work out to be around the same weight as a fully grown female lion. So really it's like I'm fighting one, except it has 22 talons all over its body. Frankly, I'm surprised that al-Sayed al-Essawy is so dead-set on fighting a normal lion when I'm going to conquer what equates to a mythical beast in a venue where everyone can also get reasonably priced onion rings.

Please don't park next to the chicken-wire cage.

In addition, turkeys are famously aggressive. I remember as a child my au pair came from a family of toiling ranchers and they had turkeys. She brought me along once and I was immediately attacked by several toms. I had to crawl back to the town car before they pecked the eyes out of my head. In her later retelling of the story, she said that one turkey only flapped its wings and I ran away screaming, but she comes from poverty and is prone to understating mortal peril. The point is, turkeys can be powerfully dangerous and we already have a checkered past with one another.

Al-Sayed al-Essawy said he doesn't intend to kill the lion unless he has to. Do you intend to kill these turkeys?

Yes, 100 percent. I will kill all of them. Again, I don't like turkeys. Even if I kill two or three and the rest surrender, I will still finish the job. These birds are notorious for not playing by the rules. I don't need a rafter of physically or psychologically injured turkeys swearing revenge on me after the fight is over. I will challenge them and I will defeat them. It's that simple. This has been a dream of mine for a long time.

Never forget.

In addition, I will be gifting the bodies of each turkey to the homeless in the area so that they may cook them in whatever they use instead of ovens. Bennigans is also offering coupons for their famous Turkey O'Toole sandwiches for the day of the fight, but only the in the participating area. Everyone can feel good about the death of these turkeys.

How do you intend to defeat them?

I'm anticipating that for the first few minutes they won't understand why we are in a cage with one another so I have a little while before they start working together. To start, I intend to provoke just one with insults and mockery.

"Hey turkey, your neck looks like it threw up a vagina."

When it is angry enough to charge, I will punch it. Or I will kick it. I haven't decided yet. Whichever looks more spectacular. While it's stunned, I will use it as a weapon and a shield against the attack of other turkeys and hopefully kill another with the first body. Then I will take up the subsequent body and use that to kill the next and so on, sort of like turkey nunchucks. My goal is to not only kill the turkeys but humiliate them as well by using their own strength against them. It's important to me to prove that turkeys are foolish and stupid and bad fighters -- and that they should think twice before attacking little children on ranches.

But Soren, isn't this display of strength dated? I mean, humanity has been directly and indirectly responsible for the extinction of entire species and has consistently proven its capacity to change the face of the Earth in irrevocable ways to the point that any battle against nature no longer seems like a fair fight. By establishing your superiority over the natural world with something as pointless as fighting a bird that's already domesticated (especially a turkey), aren't you inadvertently making the point that demonstration of human strength over animals is completely meaningless and archaic in modern times?

Wow, there's a lot going on in that pretend question. For the record, I'm not just some asshole who is going to kill a turkey. I'm going to kill 11 turkeys, all at once. If that still makes me an asshole then I guess I don't want to be whatever the opposite of an asshole is. A mouth maybe?

Ugh. That can't be right.

I'm just asking that you trust how impressive this is going to be once you see it. I specifically chose turkeys for what they represent. Just as al-Sayed selected the lion as a symbol of Israel's oppressive dominance; I have selected the turkey for its aggressiveness and laziness. Turkeys are mean but they are also completely unwilling to fly. The ring in which we fight will not have a roof so if the turkeys really want to go, all they have to do is fly away. Still, I can almost guarantee that they won't. I think that every man has a little turkey inside him, and I want to send a message to everyone by killing that aggressive laziness in front of a crowd. And then I want to do it 10 more times, hopefully with the carcass of a dead bird. So in end, this is not a step backward for mankind, I am actually making humanity better by fighting a pile of turkeys in front of a Bennigans. I'd like to hear al-Sayed al-Essawy say that.

Don't miss it!

Check out more from Soren in 5 Internet Prescribed 'Cleanses' That Made Me Immortal and The Most Appropriately Endangered Species on the Planet.