If Egypt’s Gladiator Fights a Lion, I Will Fight 11 Turkeys

From the oldest epic scrawled into tablets in the third millennium BC, to the Herculean friezes of Greece and Rome, a man's place in history has always been determined not by the strength of his character or the size of his heart, but by his eagerness to fistfight wild animals. And now, continuing the proud tradition, al-Sayed al-Essawy -- the self pro-claimed strongest man in the world -- intends to wrestle and defeat a lion for the good of Egypt. If you are unfamiliar with his story, al-Sayed al-Essawy is a 25-year-old gladiator with precisely zero gladiatorial bouts under his belt, and he recently made headlines with his promises to reluctantly punch a giant cat to death in a cage match. He's doing it to drive tourism back to Egypt … or to make a political statement about Israel -- it doesn't sound like he's completely decided yet. The only thing he's sure of is that he's going to fight that goddamn lion whether everyone likes it or not.

He's seen a lion before, right?

The subsequent media frenzy following his announcement has turned an anonymous man into a worldwide celebrity over night, and all without any proof that he actually has a lion to fight. The focus from animal rights groups, politicians and psychotherapists is overwhelming, and I can't help but wonder if all this attention is inadvertently encouraging the event everyone aims to stop and, perhaps more importantly, if there's enough of that attention that he wouldn't mind sharing some with a guy like me.

So with that in mind, I'd like to hereby formally announce my plan for a no-holds-barred fight to the death outside the old Bennigans in Pasadena, between me and 11 turkeys. It will be held one day earlier than the lion fight and everyone is invited.

My intention is not to overshadow al-Sayed al-Essawy's plan to fight a lion, but should anyone decide that 11 wild animals are superior to one, then I certainly can't help it if the media spotlight shifts to me. I am also not doing this as a political statement -- I am doing it strictly for selfish reasons; like Hercules or Gilgamesh, I intend to affect the world with my hands alone and go down in history as a hero. A hero who killed all those turkeys. Understandably, you have a lot of questions, so let's get into it.

Hey Soren, why turkeys?

Lions are dangerous. I would almost certainly be killed if I fought a lion. That goes for most animals that weigh more than me and have claws/teeth/horns/venom. I am spectacularly brave but I'm also not stupid and I respect the limitations of man.

Also, I figure 11 turkeys are about the size of one lion if you smashed them all together. Assuming they weigh 25 pounds each then it will work out to be around the same weight as a fully grown female lion. So really it's like I'm fighting one, except it has 22 talons all over its body. Frankly, I'm surprised that al-Sayed al-Essawy is so dead-set on fighting a normal lion when I'm going to conquer what equates to a mythical beast in a venue where everyone can also get reasonably priced onion rings.

Please don't park next to the chicken-wire cage.

In addition, turkeys are famously aggressive. I remember as a child my au pair came from a family of toiling ranchers and they had turkeys. She brought me along once and I was immediately attacked by several toms. I had to crawl back to the town car before they pecked the eyes out of my head. In her later retelling of the story, she said that one turkey only flapped its wings and I ran away screaming, but she comes from poverty and is prone to understating mortal peril. The point is, turkeys can be powerfully dangerous and we already have a checkered past with one another.