It's that time again. The first round of Presidential Debates is tonight, at some time or another. (I know. It seems like just yesterday that you were sitting around, not giving a shit about the 2004 debates, and now here we are again. Well, as the saying goes, Time is a fickle, filthy whore.) For most people, these debates will decide where their votes will be going, with the exception of people who decided to engage in early voting. (Voting before hearing about the debates or any October surprises? It's gonna be a great four years!)
As an informed and impartial outsider, I can concretely say that, so far, these campaigns have been run like absolute turkey shit. Sure, Obama's done an admirable job of completely ignoring the "elitist" attacks, (as if he thinks he's above responding to them), and John McCain brought on Sarah Palin as his running mate, which definitely adds a certain "Palin-ness" to the ticket, but both candidates failed in that they never once contacted me for tips.
Well, whether you like it or not, I have put together the end-all-be-all guide to Presidential Debating Shit. Utilize the techniques detailed below and you will win the trousers right off this election. Master these skills and you'll seriously beat your opponent.* Sure, my tips technically have nothing to do with the issues facing this nation right now...
But, hell, neither has any other aspect of this election.
The Defeat-and-Greet Technique
The opening of the debate is absolutely crucial, so you have to really nail it, by which I mean, make fun of your opponent like this was a schoolyard brawl. Insult your opponent, but do so quickly and subtly, as you only have a few seconds to say "Hi." Mark my words, it's the candidate that doesn't take the opening remarks as an opportunity to slander their opponent that is going to lose this race.
The T-Shirts Technique
Nothing that you could ever say will be as effective at conveying a message as a T-Shirt. Ever. That is a law. If you wanted to convince someone that your opponent was an idiot, you can write as many speeches as you want, come up with a bunch of catchy slogans, hell, even show up with actual hard evidence of your opponent behaving like an idiot and I guarantee you that it won't resonate with the American people quite as much as a shirt that says "Jerkoff" that features an arrow pointing to your opponent. Anything that you want to say, put it on a t-shirt. Thank me later.
Now, I understand that, in modern elections, it is considered "uncouth" to wear t-shirts to a debate. In effort to be super couth, I would recommend you just find some hot chicks and get them to wear whatever T-shirts you had in mind. I'm lucky, these two girls follow me everywhere I go.
I'm telling you from experience, you get a couple of hot girls walking around with your face on their t-shirts and your shit will get done.The Bullshit Technique
Make at least one outlandish claim in the course of this debate, but act very certain of it. Really, go ahead and throw out just one statistic, quote or theory that is complete and utter bullshit. Obviously, the outlandish claim needs to either support your campaign or tarnish the campaign of your opponent, but that's not all this technique accomplishes; it also sets a brilliant trap. When you say something new and absurd, you're practically begging your opponent to call you out on it, and he will. That's where the real beauty of the Bullshit Technique comes in.
Pow! And anyone who's been in the politics game for even a little while knows not to follow up on a line like that, and do you want to know why? Because, in advance, you will have photoshopped a copy of the aforementioned magazine and brought it to the debate, prepared for his skepticism. And he knows this. You drop the "Fucked Your Mom Magazine" line and he won't ask for further proof unless he wants to lose this election. And his dignity.
The "Jesus Was Also..." Technique
You may have picked up on this earlier in the election, but it wasn't executed to its fullest potential. At the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin repeatedly criticized Obama's status as a "Community Organizer." The response, (instead of the much safer and more reasonable, "What the fuck is your problem?"), was "You know who else was a community organizer of sorts? Jesus." The Republicans hit back almost immediately with "You hear that, folks? Obama thinks he's the Messiah. Can't make this stuff up." This is where a lot of rookies make their mistake. If Obama had talked to me beforehand, he could have had this election locked. Here's how the "Jesus Was Also..." Techniqueshould go down.
Now, the American people will on some intellectual level of course understand that Barack couldn't have possibly, either directly or indirectly, had any hand in the crucifying of Jesus Christ.
But it's out there now, isn't it? Really, that one little closing line is enough to give even the most informed and intelligent people a bit of pause. "I didn't think Barack Obama had anything to do with Jesus' death... but why else would McCain say that? And you know what? Barack Obama never technically said he didn't crucify Jesus, so...so I guess I don't really know anymore." And if Obama does come out and say "I didn't nail Jesus Christ to a cross," well...isn't that exactly what a Jesus-crucifier would want you to believe? Think about it.
Such is the brilliance of the "Jesus was also" loop.
Become a Clandidate Technique
This is, without a doubt, the most important technique in the entire guide. For this to work, you need to use any and every opportunity to align yourself with the Wu-Tang Clan. Seriously, view any question as an opportunity to subtly point out your affiliation with the clan. This will come in handy later as, according to a recent poll, it was revealed that the deepest fears of 98% of Americans involve Getting Fucked With in some way. It's time to help crush those fears. Use some of these as examples.
On Family Values:
A candidate in league with the clan is a candidate who, first and foremost, ain't nothin' to fuck with. And that, gentlemen, is a candidate the American people can get behind.
It's anyone's game!
*Yes. I know. I mentioned "beat," "trousers," "Master," and "debate." It would've been easy for me to do a "Master Debater=Masturbator" joke, but I didn't. It's cheap, predictable, stupid and, frankly, you deserve better. It's a joke that, perhaps, my opponent Ross might make, because he thinks you're stupid. But I know you're very wise....Vote DOB/ODB in '08.