It’s that time again. The first round of Presidential Debates is tonight, at some time or another. (I know. It seems like just yesterday that you were sitting around, not giving a shit about the 2004 debates, and now here we are again. Well, as the saying goes, Time is a fickle, filthy whore.) For most people, these debates will decide where their votes will be going, with the exception of people who decided to engage in early voting. (Voting before hearing about the debates or any October surprises? It’s gonna be a great four years!)
As an informed and impartial outsider, I can concretely say that, so far, these campaigns have been run like absolute turkey shit. Sure, Obama’s done an admirable job of completely ignoring the “elitist” attacks, (as if he thinks he’s above responding to them), and John McCain brought on Sarah Palin as his running mate, which definitely adds a certain “Palin-ness” to the ticket, but both candidates failed in that they never once contacted me for tips.
Well, whether you like it or not, I have put together the end-all-be-all guide to Presidential Debating Shit. Utilize the techniques detailed below and you will win the trousers right off this election. Master these skills and you’ll seriously beat your opponent.* Sure, my tips technically have nothing to do with the issues facing this nation right now…
But, hell, neither has any other aspect of this election.
The Defeat-and-Greet Technique
The opening of the debate is absolutely crucial, so you have to really nail it, by which I mean, make fun of your opponent like this was a schoolyard brawl. Insult your opponent, but do so quickly and subtly, as you only have a few seconds to say “Hi.” Mark my words, it’s the candidate that doesn’t take the opening remarks as an opportunity to slander their opponent that is going to lose this race.
The T-Shirts Technique
Nothing that you could ever say will be as effective at conveying a message as a T-Shirt. Ever. That is a law. If you wanted to convince someone that your opponent was an idiot, you can write as many speeches as you want, come up with a bunch of catchy slogans, hell, even show up with actual hard evidence of your opponent behaving like an idiot and I guarantee you that it won’t resonate with the American people quite as much as a shirt that says “Jerkoff” that features an arrow pointing to your opponent. Anything that you want to say, put it on a t-shirt. Thank me later.
Now, I understand that, in modern elections, it is considered “uncouth” to wear t-shirts to a debate. In effort to be super couth, I would recommend you just find some hot chicks and get them to wear whatever T-shirts you had in mind. I’m lucky, these two girls follow me everywhere I go.
I’m telling you from experience, you get a couple of hot girls walking around with your face on their t-shirts and your shit will get done.
The Bullshit Technique
Make at least one outlandish claim in the course of this debate, but act very certain of it. Really, go ahead and throw out just one statistic, quote or theory that is complete and utter bullshit. Obviously, the outlandish claim needs to either support your campaign or tarnish the campaign of your opponent, but that’s not all this technique accomplishes; it also sets a brilliant trap. When you say something new and absurd, you’re practically begging your opponent to call you out on it, and he will. That’s where the real beauty of the Bullshit Technique comes in.
Pow! And anyone who’s been in the politics game for even a little while knows not to follow up on a line like that, and do you want to know why? Because, in advance, you will have photoshopped a copy of the aforementioned magazine and brought it to the debate, prepared for his skepticism. And he knows this. You drop the “Fucked Your Mom Magazine” line and he won’t ask for further proof unless he wants to lose this election. And his dignity.
The “Jesus Was Also…” Technique
You may have picked up on this earlier in the election, but it wasn’t executed to its fullest potential. At the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin repeatedly criticized Obama’s status as a “Community Organizer.” The response, (instead of the much safer and more reasonable, “What the fuck is your problem?”), was “You know who else was a community organizer of sorts? Jesus.” The Republicans hit back almost immediately with “You hear that, folks? Obama thinks he’s the Messiah. Can’t make this stuff up.” This is where a lot of rookies make their mistake. If Obama had talked to me beforehand, he could have had this election locked. Here’s how the “Jesus Was Also…” Technique should go down.
Now, the American people will on some intellectual level of course understand that Barack couldn’t have possibly, either directly or indirectly, had any hand in the crucifying of Jesus Christ.
…
But it’s out there now, isn’t it? Really, that one little closing line is enough to give even the most informed and intelligent people a bit of pause. “I didn’t think Barack Obama had anything to do with Jesus’ death… but why else would McCain say that? And you know what? Barack Obama never technically said he didn’t crucify Jesus, so…so I guess I don’t really know anymore.” And if Obama does come out and say “I didn’t nail Jesus Christ to a cross,” well…isn’t that exactly what a Jesus-crucifier would want you to believe? Think about it.
Such is the brilliance of the “Jesus was also” loop.
Become a Clandidate Technique
This is, without a doubt, the most important technique in the entire guide. For this to work, you need to use any and every opportunity to align yourself with the Wu-Tang Clan. Seriously, view any question as an opportunity to subtly point out your affiliation with the clan. This will come in handy later as, according to a recent poll, it was revealed that the deepest fears of 98% of Americans involve Getting Fucked With in some way. It’s time to help crush those fears. Use some of these as examples.
On Defense:
On Economics:
On Patriotism:
On Family Values:
A candidate in league with the clan is a candidate who, first and foremost, ain’t nothin’ to fuck with. And that, gentlemen, is a candidate the American people can get behind.
It’s anyone’s game!
*Yes. I know. I mentioned “beat,” “trousers,” “Master,” and “debate.” It would’ve been easy for me to do a “Master Debater=Masturbator” joke, but I didn’t. It’s cheap, predictable, stupid and, frankly, you deserve better. It’s a joke that, perhaps, my opponent Ross might make, because he thinks you’re stupid. But I know you’re very wise….Vote DOB/ODB in ‘08.
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- The First Thanksgiving: An Almost Graphic Representation - November 28th, 2008
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:55 am
las vegas riffle…
Hyades worldly encumbered unsafely Saturday Rockaways …
October 27th, 2008 at 6:53 am
online pokmer glossary…
progresses.lately!venturings calibrations?…
October 4th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Wowz, that had a lot to say. Maybe after the election they will get back together and put another album out.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:55 am
Has anyone done Alletron’s sister yet?
I’d like to be the first surge in that battlefield.
September 30th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
[...] TO BE JESUS, SENATOR MCCAIN?” The folks at Cracked.com are at it again with “How to Win the Presidential Debate: A Graphic Representation.” Check it [...]
September 30th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Well even Obama thinks Mccain will make better president he said “mccain is right” how many god damn times?
September 30th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Don’t forget about Only built 4 Cuban Linx….
Show me some love!!!
September 30th, 2008 at 8:09 am
[...] It’s as simple as that. How many elections do we have to sit through before we realize that what a candidate says rarely translates into real, effective action once he’s in the White House. Actions may help the economy once of these loggerheads is [...]
September 30th, 2008 at 5:34 am
I lost interest in the Clan when one of them collaborated with Limp Bizkit (or is it biskit?)
September 30th, 2008 at 3:31 am
I fuckd wit’ Wu-tang clan once.
Once.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
@ Bob Schaffer: your daughters are HOT!!!! Hook me up with dates and I’ll vote for you!
September 29th, 2008 at 10:36 am
DOB, you officially have my vote. I mean, I have no choice, since, after all, I DO like it raw. Oooo, baby, I like it raw.
@Gina: If you want to regurgitate bullshit and garbage that you heard on FOX news, do it at your bible study or something. You’re not a blogger, you’re a commenter, and frankly, nobody cares what you have to say about anything. Same thing goes for Obamaphiles. Talk about that shit somewhere else.
September 28th, 2008 at 9:10 am
You guys are funny. I actually enjoy coming in late and letting the comments pile up. You all realize you’re a bunch of nerds, right? Thus finding solace with other like minds on such topics as Wu-Tang and ODB. It’s completely enjoyable to witness the back and forth.
Realizing I can’t hang, I’m off to google. (Ian and Jason)..I love DOB and his warped sense of reality, but sometimes I can’t keep up with him. Frick, I’m old. Mayhap that’s why I totally get Gladstone. (And Ross..you’re underrated.)
September 27th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
you guys have to take acid to halucinate? Lame.
September 27th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
@ Shana - The photos don’t look odd to me. Perhaps it’s the 27 hits of LSD you ate.
September 27th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Why are the pictures all weird?
September 27th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
political types, off with you.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
*imposter
September 27th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I have reason to believe you’re an impersonate, Mr. Udall.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Oh, no question that the Wu would be worthless without RZA. I mean, true, he also contributed to the over-saturation aspect of the Wu that a lot of people hate, but that man is a brilliant hustler/businessman. Have you read Wu-Tang Manual? Check that shit out.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
A campaign manager of mine told me to come here!
I have e-mailed you to confirm my validity.
How about the next Hate By Numbers at 5:30 central time?
-Mark Udall for senates
September 27th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Oh, and the best thing about the debate last night which turned out to be really really boring and poorly moderated was Chris Rock’s quote on it when he appeared on Real Time with Bill Mahr after it. “Look, it’s like my dad told me, ‘You can’t ever beat white people, you can only knock them out.’”
(his point being that even if Obama was better in the debate, it doesn’t matter because he clearly didn’t knock out mccain and if you don’t knock out the white man thhen as a black man the rules essentially say that you don’t win)
September 27th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Yea, Masta Killah is kind of pointless, but look at some of the hierarchies people made. RZA is at the bottom. And while Ghostface is definitely putting out the best solo work right now and I have nothing but love for him I just think that RZA and GZA contributed more to the Wu-Tang Clan and hip hop as a whole. I mean Liquid Swords is the only solo album by a Wu-Tang Clan member that is an undeniable classic. Like almost on the level of 36 Chambers. RZA and GZA are also clearly the brains of the operation and the leaders. They also produce almost all the music. Also RZA and GZA are cousins of the ODB.
Point is, it’s my life’s goal to join the Wu-Tang Clan. I think I could replace Masta Killah and no one would notice.
September 27th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
@Greengoddess- I think I said Nu-Tang Clan, but I only assume that because it’s clever. And to answer your question, I’m Rza, Ghostface and ODB. Everyone else can be whoever. Ian and Jason are the Beez.
@Neil- You raise some good points, but I stand by Ghostface. I never said RZA wasn’t working, but as far as relevance to the hip-hop world, Ghostface stands out. We’ll never all completely agree on a number one Clansmen, but look at the rankings. One thing we can say, nobody likes Masta Killah.
@Brammimonde- Photoshop jokes? Neat!
September 27th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Photoshop Filter Abuse– that’s five minutes in the time out corner for you, young man.
September 27th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Fuck Aristotle, Cicero, and Sean Hannity. Cracked bloggers are now my sole sources to learn rhetoric.
September 27th, 2008 at 9:52 am
After watching the candidate’s debate last night, it became apparent that Obama would be better to play the President in a movie, but McCain is the man who can actually do the job. Obama is like a movie set. He looks good, but behind the facade, there’s nothing there. When you have no track record, like Obama, all you can do is criticize and attack America … whereas McCain, who has actually contributed to this country for decades, obviously loves America. I never felt like Obama has sincere pride and love for this country, he just seems to be in this for personal ambition.
September 27th, 2008 at 8:52 am
If the Cracked bloggers are the Nu-Tang Clan (who said that? DOB? Gladstone?), then which blogger corresponds to ODB, Method Man, Ghostface etc. etc? And what’s the heirarchy then?
September 27th, 2008 at 7:56 am
I’m impressed. Most people who photoshop pics of Kelly Brook remove the shirt, rather than augment it.
September 27th, 2008 at 5:33 am
Nothing is more effective than a t-shirt telling the world how awesome you are, especially if it’s being worn but somebody pleasing to the eye. I am a huge supporter of this technique. Gladstone can vouch for that.
September 27th, 2008 at 4:32 am
Are we saying that if Jesus had simply joined the Wu-Tang Clan, Caiaphas and Pontius Pilate would never have fucked with Him by crucifying Him? Medieval (Christian) theologians did speculate that Jesus, being God Incarnate, could do anything He wanted perfectly, leading me to believe that those medieval theologians would argue that Jesus would make an excellent Wu-Tang member. And thereby be “nothin’ to fuck with.”
September 27th, 2008 at 4:10 am
Where can I get an I’m Down with DOB t-shirt?
September 27th, 2008 at 3:44 am
Jesus’ breadbaskets ain’t nuthn’ to fuck wit!
September 27th, 2008 at 3:41 am
oh and don’t worry Bob Shaffer is totally gonna lose to Mark Udall (at least I think it’s mark - i get confused - there are two Democratic Udalls running for senate this year).
But it would be best to just not deal with colorado. It’s a weird state. It has some of the most left leaning politicians and the most right leaning politicians.
September 27th, 2008 at 3:32 am
@MBS - This might help you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVxszUSl_7Y
September 27th, 2008 at 3:28 am
Whoa - there are matters of Wu to be discussed, Why is anyone talking about religion, birth control, abortion, and all sort of pre-natal matters. I mean I tried to read some of the more serious comments, but I couldn’t. You know why? BECAUSE WU-TANG CLAN AIN’T NOTHIN’ TO FUCK WITH! That is my guiding principle in life.
that and boning
I will lead you all to the promised land! Titties as far as the eye can see anf life governed by the 5 precepts of hiphop. In this world DOB will no longer be archbishop. He will be promoted to pope.
Sorry, it’s late. I don’t know what I’m saying.
September 27th, 2008 at 3:17 am
@Bond Fiction - Inspectah Deck is definitely underrated, but you are absolutely insane with your rankings of Wu Hierarchy.
@DOB As much as I love Ghostface Killah I would say that the Rza is definitely as relevant if not more today. I mean he hasn’t put out any real solo albums as good as Ghostface’s recently, but he’s one of the top producers in the game. Not to mention he’s scoring films like kill bill and tv shows like afro samurai. Plus I think he gets points for the best (for me at least) moment in American Gangster. There is a scene where you can see he has a giant Wu-Tang Tat on his shoulder. I got really excited, not just for the Wu, but also because of the hilarious time travel scenario this caused me to imagine. Method Man also has put out good albums lately (not as good as Ghostface), but is much better live and he was on the Wire.
Also, while ghostface is incredible and I am FUCKING DYING for his collaboration with MF Doom in terms of group dynamic I imagine he causes more harm than good.
And the best Wu solo album ever was made by the Gza.
My hierarchy would be tiered rather than a direct order. 1st tier Rza and Gza. 2nd tier Ghostface Killah, ODB. 3rd tier Methos Man and Inspectah Deck. 4th Tier Raekwon. 5th Tier U-God and Masta Killa. and then a 6th - 10th Tiers for all the various killah Beez, Wu family members, and hangers on. For example the 6th Tier would be Redman and Cappadonna.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
And yes, that includes Sara Palin. While she squeezed out two hot daughters she also squeezed out a ‘tard. Which means no matter how much the dirty librarian look does for you there’s something wrong with the bitch’s genetic code. Which ALSO means she’s fine to fuck, but should have had an abortion.
Word is bond.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Organized religion and overpopulation combined cause roughly 98% of the world’s problems. It’s ok legally (lauded, in fact) to slaughter Muslims and their innocent wives and children by the hundreds of thousands overseas, but the same people who high five each other after every school full of children dies in the middle east cry that ANY human life is so precious that a 13-year old girl who’s pregnant via rape or incest ought to be tried for murder for getting rid of something that ought not see the fucking light of day anyhow (yes I know this is a long sentence but I’m trashed) don’t deserve to be able to vote. Sober people may break that up into two or three (sentences) as they see fit. Fundamentalist Christians should die at the same rate at least that Fundamentalist Muslims do, as well as Fundamentalist Jews. If you’ve got “Fundamentalist” in front of your religion, you need to shut the fuck up or die; nobody should have to give a fuck what you stand for.
If anything, we need more wars, more disease, and more abortions on a fucking epic scale if we’re gonna save the planet. We’ve worked as hard as we can to take natural selection out of the equation with douchebags (the figurative kind) and medical science, and have succeeded. Which is why we’ve got a world full of fucking retards and dumbasses, and we’re running out of resources. That PC shit’s gotta go. Yeah, the Special Olympics are funny if you’re high, but time to pull the plug and get back to business. If you’ve got a fucking good job you can keep and are smart enough to do so, you may raise one or two children as your means allow. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and take the appropriate drugs to limit your gene-pool dilation and EVERYONE’S subsequent misery.
I’m J-Pappi and I approve this message. Bitches.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
The sad fact is Bob, I agree with you on all of the things you have posted on your website, and I support all the policies you support. In short, I should like you. But unfortunately you’re attempt at getting cracked’s votes was far to dochebaggy.
Not enough abs/boning/insanity + to many lies= no votes from cracked.
At least we are honest about our plans to overthrow society and institute the Repubelick of Cracked/Evil Legion of Doom (TM)
September 26th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
EDIT: making unborn children and fertilized eggs PEOPLE…
September 26th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Holy shit, epic pwnage Metalbrain.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
No Bob Schaffer, No it fucking dosen’t. It in no way makes a woman liable for a miscarrage, and to say otherwise is a fat fucking lie. Miscarriages are a natural part of life, much like regular natural death. We don’t try people who have old people die in their house, an so it would make no sence to interpret the law as such.
And yes if you took a regular pill the day after conception it could cause the zygote to not attach the the uterus wall, but you would have to take the pill at a point before you knew you were pregnant, kinda making it a moot point cause no one would know that you were pregnant.
As an analogy, making it illegal to shoot people did not make it illegal to own guns. Making unborn children and fertilized eggs does not make contraceptives illegal.
The only thing that this law would affect is deliberate abortion, and embryonic stem cell research. Both of these would be deliberate violations of human rights (under the new amendment). But if you still wanted an abortion, congratufuckinglations, you can drive over to the next state.
Bob Schaffer you are a liar, and an asshole on top of that, quit spamming on cracked.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
“It’s like when Jesus went to the starving people and gave them all a ton of breadbaskets.
And everyone was pissed”
Well just think how Jesus felt ” What 5000 of you shows up and not a goddamn one of you brought sandwich?” “Oh I know we’ll let JEEEESUUUUS get it.” ( with thanks to Sam Kinison)
September 26th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
A thoughtful reading of Amendment 48 also bans many kinds of contraceptives and could make women legally liable for miscarriages, as the Denver Post noted in a June analysis of the issue. James Johnson of Colorado Springs wrote an interesting analysis of the measure’s potential impact on corporations. A blanket legal redefinition of personhood would generate broad confusion and potentially force a re-examination of nearly every law in the state.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Alright then.
Please inform me if you DO live in Colorado.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
@ 12 pack- A burlap sack? That’s a considerable amount of stem cells Christopher Reeve might be interested in purchasing. Ohh…..
September 26th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Holy shit that was the funniest thing i have ever read hands down
September 26th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Dead baby jokes are awesome.
What’s more qualified than a dead baby to run for vice president?
A burlap sack full of dead babies! (Not Sarah Palin)
hmmm….that’s not as funny as it started out in my head–i think the Palin line killed it. Man, she sucks a whole lot to be able to kill a dead baby joke.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
@ Ross Wolinsky - tshp’s many aborted ‘children’ are more qualified for the potential VP spot than Palin.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Kingmonkey, from the wording of your comments, I assumed “Method Man” was what your stoner neighbors named their cat. If this is the case, your extermination options are legion (and sometimes hilarious, such as leaving out poison bait or getting a big dog).
What about the Casnadian Destroyer?
If you’re talking about the human Method Man, then I guess the same kind of stuff would work. It’s hard to keep varmints out of the garden.
September 26th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
D.O’B.– Are you implying that people actually read Ross’ blog and the comments? Although I must admit that in a moment of weakness, I read the banning of babies part.
September 26th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I think INS got better flow than Ghost honestly, but I do agree that in terms of having the whole package that Ghost is the best
for me personally its:
Ghostface>Method Man>INS>GZA>Raekwon>RZA>U-God>Masta Killa
Im not even gonna put in ODB for the sake of preventing a flame war
And yeah, I wont argue GHost is the most relevant, considering all the work hes been putting in (especially 2206, both Fischscale and More Fish were great)… also, The Champ is pretty much my anthem when I box at the gym (that and Guillotinez by Raekwon)
September 26th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
MBS- 48 actually will outlaw the pill because it could potentially flush out a fertilized egg. If you’re pregnant but don’t know it and you take the pill, it can cause you to miscarry and since it would be a person, it would be considered murder. So yeah, the amendment is scary as fuck. I don’t mean to turn this into a debate but I’m from Colorado and so this will affect me if it passes…
September 26th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Method Man > Ghostface Killah > Ol’ Dirty Bastard> Inspectah Deck > GZA > Raekwon > RZA > U-God > Masta Killa
September 26th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I won’t deny that Deck is definitely under-appreciated, but you’re not topping Ghostface Killah. You just won’t. Smooth flow, creative, abstract rhyming and that distinctive voice? Done. Game over. He’s still killin’ it, even with two Fish and the Big Doe Rehab. Who else of the clan individually is as musically relevant today as Ghostface?
Who?!?
September 26th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Holy shit, that part about the Wu was just… amazing. If I had cancer before and just never knew about it before, I think it just got cured by reading the last part of this article.
Also, I agree with BondFiction, the Rebel INS doesn’t get enough love. Hes one of the best on the Clan IMO, and I think he is tied with Meth for having the best flow.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
@Res- I think I made it clear over on Ross’s blog that I would be running with the reanimated corpse of ODB. His experience in both the fields of “getting money” and “Brraaaaiiinnnssss” make him the perfect choice.
@Ross- It’s like when Jesus went to the starving people and gave them all a ton of breadbaskets.
And everyone was pissed.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
P.S. The award for Most Insane And Incomprehensible Cracked.com Comment Of All Time goes to Count Baqula for his rambling, incoherent opus which I have titled “I Brought Fish And Breadbaskets For Everybody.”
Give him a hand, everybody!
September 26th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
D.O’B., I can’t wait until you’re legally able to run for office. And I will be disappointed if you really choose not to do so.
Count Baqula, whatever you’re on, I want some.
And a refresher for half the people commenting here:
“you” + “are” = “you’re”
possessive of “you” = “your”
Seriously.
Oh, D.O’B.–how can you run with a dead VP? I don’t think that’s allowed . . .
September 26th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Inspectah Deck doesn’t get enough love.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Not to split hairs or anything, but I would just like to point out that DOB’s running mate died of a drug overdose in 2004.
I would also like to point out that even in that condition he is still more qualified than Sarah Palin.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Dude, there are so many drinking games to be had for this debate - a nation will rise hungover and laughing tomorrow.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Wu-Tang! Wu-Tang! Wu-Tang! Wu-Tang! M-E-T-H-O-D Man M-E-T-H-O-D Man!
Archbishop, you’ve done it again! If I have one general complaint about Cracked.com, it’s definitely not enough Wu worship.
September 26th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Another great article, thanks.
Also, please tell me where I can purchase a “I’m Down With DOB” shirt—I must have one!!!
September 26th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
…What?
September 26th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Thanks for the Intro DOB, you can go back to shaving your pubic hair in the shape of a lighting bolt and dying it yellow. Dan would have you believe he wrote this article, but he actually plaigerized it from an ancient Indian text. He also criticized me and my decision to take a ferry from manhattan to staten island to visit my good friend Ghostface Killa, If I could walk on water like Jesus I would. One the bright side I brought fish and breadbaskets for everybody. DOB brought some lemonade, it’s bright yellow just like. I wouldn’t trust it.
That was damned near presidential of me.
Thanks Dan, Now I can take on city hall.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
“…that you’re opponent was an idiot”
Weak.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
@skipper, you’ve thought about shit going up McCain’s ass for way too long, way too long.
@everyonetalking about babies: babies should be illegal, I am tired of getting dirty looks because I leave wire coat hangers at my girlfriends house.
@DOB, i feel like the office of president is too small a goal for your greatness. Can you run for supreme high commander?
@Ross: The gauntlet has been thrown down, lets hear from you.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Hey DOB, I got ‘cho money. Let’s do ‘it’.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
So now what? I still don’t know how to get Method Man to stop shitting in my garden and stealing my potted plants! I tried exposing him to some Vanilla Ice, hoping it would scare him off. It did not work out at all. I had to do some serious spraying after that.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I’d love to see Obama put a coat hanger on the stove for like forty-five minutes, and stick it up McCain’s ass-hole like ’ssssssss’.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
@Greengoddess and metalbrainsurgery: You are both referring to RU486, also known as the abortion pill. Birth control pills, as well as Plan B (aka the “morning after” pill) prevent fertilization from occuring. RU486 is considered equivalent to abortion, and is rarely used anyway since it poses serious health risks and possibly death to the woman taking it. RU486 and the “morning after” pill are two very different methods of birth control.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
“If you wanted to convince someone that you’re opponent was an idiot…”
haha Oh boy.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Wu-Tang.
I would vote for any candidate that brought up the rza/gza.
Or any candidate that said ended a sentence with ‘aint nuttin to fuck wit.”
September 26th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
who’s up for some human caviar?
@ greengoddess, I suppose the morning after pill would do that, but as far as the regular hormone pill would be fine, plus most everything else.
I agree tho, making babies illegal sounds like a great idea. Child birth is horrifying.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Very good blog, Dan. Very good. Rapping presidential clandidates would be awesome.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Hell, I’ll still vote Schaffer. And no on 48. As a man, who am I to tell that special lady what she can and can’t do with her eggs. Unless she wants a baby. Make babies illegal!
September 26th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I went to the cracked store expecting to be able to buy a dob shirt. I was disappointed.
September 26th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
@kingmonkey- Don’t fuck with him. Don’t you fuck with Method Man. You’re right, “Ain’t nothin’ to fuck with” is a double negative and, grammatically speaking, would mean that the Wu-Tang Clan is, in fact, something to fuck with. But this is hip-hop, with its own set of rules independent of grammar. They operate on the belief that language, first and foremost, is a tool for communication, not to be bogged down by rules. If an idea is communicated, the rules become secondary. And here, utilizing slang and a specific dialect, the Clan is saying that they are not to be fucked with.
September 26th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I’m kinda disappointed that no one has told me how to deal with Method Man. Motherfucker’s been shitting in my flower garden again.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I’m kinda disappointed at that Bob Schaffer bloke’s not answering your well-pondered arguments, MBS. Talk about avoiding debate.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Can’t wait for election to finish, i’m growing mighty tired of politics on cracked. Apart that, “Jesus Was Also…” Technique is goddamn briliant.
Also, as impressive as your abs are, Mr. O’Brien, i’d still go with Wolinskys beard, by laws of interdimentional quantum politics it makes him more fit for the position(in other words, shave the beard, and there will be nothing to stop you).
September 26th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
@ Metalbrainsurgery: Barrier methods of birth control (like condoms) do prevent fertilization. But there are methods (like pills) that change the lining of the womb to prevent implantation of a fertilized egg.
What baffles me is that most laws about what happens inside a womb are made by men (who of course, will never face the risks of pregnancy and childbirth). If you vote for Wolinsky, though, this point is moot, as babies will be illegal. Which actually sounds better every time I say it out loud.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
awww…they got deleted
woe is me…boo hoo
September 26th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
DOB the next Obamessiah! Vote for hope, change and chicks with fake breasts wearing my t-shirts!
September 26th, 2008 at 11:54 am
How To Win The Presidential Debates…
Naughty words ahead! This post should be illegal!
But its funny as hell! From the warped little puppies at Cracked Magazine:
It’s that time again. The first round of Presidential Debates is tonight, at some time or another. (I know. It seems lik…
September 26th, 2008 at 11:34 am
P.S. Allentron, I will step up in DOB’s absence and do your sister. Your welcome.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Mr. DOB, you have most correctly alligned yourself with the Wu Tang Clan - a crucial lobby in any election. Yet unfortunately, you did not drop lyrics to Cream in debate in economics. i.e. describing how money moves everything around you, and how America needs to get the money, dollar dollar bill ya’ll.
Sorry DOB, but the survey says your dead!
September 26th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Classic DOB
September 26th, 2008 at 10:53 am
DOB’s solid anti Hannah Mon-snake-monster policy alone is enough to get my vote. The fact that none of the other candidates, Wolinsky included, have even so much as mentioned this egregious threat to America’s well being is an outrageous oversight that only one such as his Ab-liness may rectify.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:53 am
The part about the bullshit technique had me laughing my ass off…the pictures in those panels were priceless. I love how in the final panel when McCain is covering his face in shame his wife is in the background, seemingly laughing derisively at him.
Brilliant work DOB.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I’m pretty sure McCain is already in league with the Klan.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Oh, you are NOT dissing Ross, young man!
I know he might be boring, and a crazed, old hat and vague religious-based belief killing machine but… but he has G-Stone.
And that ain’t nothing to fuck wit’ (yo’?)
September 26th, 2008 at 10:43 am
if you were running, mr. o’brien, i’d vote the shit out of this election. (not quite sure how that would work, though.)
September 26th, 2008 at 10:41 am
these debates are almost like sword fights. you could say they are swing’n swords like shinobi. you need to have a method M.E.T.H.O.D. , man. but the swords could be made up of some sort of liquid…. Liquid swords. but really all’s we want to do is drink smoke and fuck!
ps. bud is for rednecks.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:30 am
well played sir, well played
September 26th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Ok, not just in the car.. all the time. I have not been around her at all in the last 5 or 6 years when she wouldn’t be listening to the Wu. I just needed to clarify on that.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:17 am
DOB, the more I read your stories, the more I think that you and my sister were destined to be together. She, having never have heard of you (I know, that’s nearly impossible, but in her defense, she lived in Texas most of her life), was called Statutory Rap by her friends. Her other “rap” name is “Original Dangsta’ Boo” - or ODB. and now this, the love of the Wu. This is a little white girl who went to go see the Wu all by herself in Dallas. This is a girl who actually made a Wu Tang lithograph print for her class’s art project finals last year. She will also listen to them almost exclusively in the car.
She’s pretty hot too, you know, for my sister and all. Anyway, you let me know if you need a (another?) first lady.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:07 am
>>If you wanted to convince someone that you’re opponent was an idiot…<<
If you wanted to convince that you’re an idiot you could misspell “your” in your argument.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Amendment 48 officially defines a person as any fertilized human egg. It simply asks the following: “Shall there be an amendment to the Colorado constitution defining the term “person” to include any human being from the moment of fertilization as “person” is used in those provisions of the Colorado constitution relating to inalienable rights, equality of justice, and due process of law?”
Bob Schaffer that is simply dishonest of you to say. How in the hell does a fertilized egg being considered human make contraceptives illegal. Contraceptives keep eggs from being fertilized, therefore no person, no death. And miscarrages? It’s a natural part of life unfortunately, just the same as any natural death. I don’t see how the wording of that bill would hold women legaly liable for a misscarrage.
I don’t live in colorado, but even if I did, you would have just lost my vote.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:47 am
When you mention Wu Tang Clan it all made sense, because a debate is just like a free-style battle. BTW I loved the Iron Flag pun… But if asked who America Belongs to, say it proudly “ItS Yours!!”
September 26th, 2008 at 9:43 am
WU-TANG CLAN SUCKS DIRTY HAIRY DONKEY BALLS FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!
September 26th, 2008 at 9:08 am
wow. just wow. DOB ain’t nothin’ to fuck with. I don’t see why you’re not the president by default already… you should take up your own campaign advice and run.
And fuck focus on the family and ammendment 48. I’ll get pregnant just so i can have a coat hanger abortion and smear it on their windows. Trick ass bitches.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Sexually.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:01 am
I feel violated.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Also, to any Colorado Cracked voters,
Amendment 48 seeks to make abortion, any form of birth control, any form of preventing yourself from having children illegal.
It also would make women that have miscarriages legally liable for said miscarriages.
Both sides agree, vote no on 48 and its tricky ballot language.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Why do politicians think that more kids helps them win elections.
I bet not one of those Schafferkinders can vote.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:39 am
woah cracked is now getting political campaign spam. Thats a step up.
So i checked out this Bob Schaffer dude, and I would vote for him, if for only his position on taxes.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:39 am
This is not an election to make light of. It’s probably the single most important thing happening in the world today. I mean, if the media and campaigns keep this shit up and people respond to it, we could be deprived of our classification as ‘not technically chattel’ and be sold as slaves to China to offset the defecit. Also, I’d just like to point out that WaMu was foreclosed on, and it was possibly in retrebution for their commercials, which were fucking poop. So, McCain is next.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Wu-Tang Clan’s rhymes are inspired by ancient Japanese poetry, a language where true double-negatives don’t exist. SERVED! CLAN IN DA FRONT!
September 26th, 2008 at 8:37 am
DOB, I would so totaly vote for you, except I have no idea who these Wu-Tang gentalmen you speak of are. Please enlighten me.
I’m going to completely ignore the McBush comment above.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Brilliant sir. When the debates finally arrive I will be listening to the speeches, just to see if any candidates go to Cracked*. They would get my vote.
*They Don’t
September 26th, 2008 at 8:31 am
You forgot step one: attend the debate.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:30 am
John “Hanoi Boi” Mccain ain’t nuthin’ ta fuck wit
September 26th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Dear DOB, Seeing as so many newly voting CU students go on Cracked.com…
May you please consider endorsing me in your comments.
Bob Schaffer for senate.
http://www.bobschafferforsenate.com
Thank you in advance.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Awesome. Totally great.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:20 am
LOL, McBush knows better than to show up for the debate. he knows Obama will chew him up and spit him out. McBush makes it up as he goes along or just outright LIES whereas Obama is very well informed.
Jiff
http://www.privacy.es.tc
September 26th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Mr Dob,
Can you comment on the night you spent with Mrs, Palin.
Did you or did you not use protection?
and where the two girls in the above t’shirts participating as well?
September 26th, 2008 at 8:14 am
It would be pretty easy to make DOB t-shirts, considering that the “official” Cracked store is actually Cafe Press. Just saying. I’m sure that people would buy them - not me, or anyone I know, but people nonetheless.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Daniel, when you wrote that the Wu-Tang Clan, and those politicians aligned with them “ain’t nothin’ to fuck with,” ignoring the dangling preposition, that was a double negative. Can you please clarify on whether I should “fuck with” the Wu-Tang Clan or not?
I only ask becasuse I think Method Man has been living in my back yard and stealing potted flowers.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:45 am
DOB you make the world a funnier place and for that you have my thanks
September 26th, 2008 at 7:42 am
I think Cracked is doing a fine job of mocking and exposing this elaborate ritual dance that’s passing off as an actual democratic exercise. I remember John Stewart saying, ater 9/11, that he felt uneasy talking serious matters because his gang was the equivalent of the dudes in the back of the classroom throwing spitballs and so on… I think he got it wrong. You have to turn to the satirists if you want shit *really* criticized. Rock the fuck on.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:32 am
You totally got my vote, DOB. If only for your almost homosexual love for the ‘Clan’.