How to Win the Presidential Debate: A Graphic Representation
The Defeat-and-Greet Technique
The opening of the debate is absolutely crucial, so you have to really nail it, by which I mean, make fun of your opponent like this was a schoolyard brawl. Insult your opponent, but do so quickly and subtly, as you only have a few seconds to say "Hi." Mark my words, it's the candidate that doesn't
Nothing that you could ever say will be as effective at conveying a message as a T-Shirt. Ever. That is a law. If you wanted to convince someone that your opponent was an idiot, you can write as many speeches as you want, come up with a bunch of catchy slogans, hell, even show up with actual hard evidence of your opponent behaving like an idiot and I guarantee you that it won't resonate with the American people quite as much as a shirt that says "Jerkoff" that features an arrow pointing to your opponent. Anything that you want to say, put it on a t-shirt. Thank me later. Now, I understand that, in modern elections, it is considered "uncouth" to wear t-shirts to a debate. In effort to be super couth, I would recommend you just find some hot chicks and get them to wear whatever T-shirts you had in mind. I'm lucky, these two girls follow me everywhere I go.
Make at least one outlandish claim in the course of this debate, but act very certain of it. Really, go ahead and throw out just one statistic, quote or theory that is complete and utter bullshit. Obviously, the outlandish claim needs to either support your campaign or tarnish the campaign of your opponent, but that's not all this technique accomplishes; it also sets a brilliant trap. When you say something new and absurd, you're practically begging
You may have picked up on this earlier in the election, but it wasn't executed to its fullest potential. At the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin repeatedly criticized Obama's status as a "Community Organizer." The response, (instead of the much safer and more reasonable, "What the fuck is your problem?"), was "You know who else was a community organizer of sorts? Jesus." The Republicans hit back almost immediately with "You hear that, folks? Obama thinks he's the Messiah. Can't make this stuff up." This is where a lot of rookies make their mistake. If Obama had talked to me beforehand, he could have had this election locked. Here's how the "Jesus Was Also..." Technique should go down.
Now, the American people will on some intellectual level of course understand that Barack couldn't have possibly, either directly or indirectly, had any hand in the crucifying of Jesus Christ. ... But it's out there now, isn't it? Really, that one little closing line is enough to give even the most informed and intelligent people a bit of pause. "I didn't think
Become a Clandidate Technique
This is, without a doubt, the most important technique in the entire guide. For this to work, you need to use any and every opportunity to align yourself with the Wu-Tang Clan. Seriously, view any question as an opportunity to subtly point out your affiliation with the clan. This will come in handy later as, according to a recent poll, it was revealed that the deepest fears of 98% of Americans involve Getting Fucked With in some way. It's time to help crush those fears. Use some of these as examples. On Defense:
It's anyone's game!
*Yes. I know. I mentioned "beat," "trousers," "Master," and "debate." It would've been easy for me to do a "Master Debater=Masturbator" joke, but I didn't. It's cheap, predictable, stupid and, frankly, you deserve better. It's a joke that, perhaps, my opponent Ross might make, because he thinks you're stupid. But I know you're very wise....Vote DOB/ODB in '08.