GoPro Is Failing And Only 'Adult' Content Can Save It

You are a coward, and that is why GoPro needs to embrace pornography.

Allow me to explain.

We've all had our moments of GoPro weakness. After a three-hour YouTube binge of death-defying stunts captured in glorious fish-eye HD, we find ourselves on Amazon with a $400 camera in our cart and our mouse cursor hovering perilously over the "Place Order" button. Do we dare dream? Do we dare ... fly?

Of course not. Before I pull that trigger, I always remember that I am, in my heart, deeply boring. And, statistically speaking, so are you, which is why GoPro stock has plummeted in the past year. And it wasn't even wearing a GoPro on its helmet when it made the fall. The problem is that the number of people who are going to parachute from space or ski off a cliff like James Bond escaping a metal-toothed henchman just aren't enough to sustain a business. Most of us need cameras only to record our nephew's 6th birthday party. A kid puking up seven slices of pizza in a bouncy castle is a hazardous situation, sure, but your smartphone's camera is fine for that viral video.

To dig themselves out of this hole, GoPro has leaned on piss-poor innovation and the timeless money-saving tactic of firing a bunch of people. They've dropped camera models from their product line, and they've fired 7 percent of their workforce, including their CFO. They're placing their bets on a recreational drone, which is pretty optimistic considering that market is totally saturated. One can assume they toyed with the idea of releasing the useful and intuitive video-editing software they've been promising for years, but whoa now, this is not the time for rash action. They need to pivot their company in a new direction, and fast. Luckily for them, there's already an industry out there that is more than willing to lock GoPro in its sticky, musky embrace and save it from becoming an irrelevant fad. Porn.

Porn has already pounced on modern tech like one of its elite masturbators on a freshly greased Sybian. Recently, Brazzers.com gifted unto the world the first-ever Hoverboard porno, wherein the performers have sex in an array of hysterical positions while riding on those dumb Segways-minus-the-handle-bars that we decided to waste the Hoverboard name on for some reason.


Mall cops are busting nuts right now.

"But Hoverboards are just a fad!" You say. Mayhap, good sir, but mayhap not. Porn has a long and impressively girthed track record for influencing the popularity of emerging technology. We all know that the Gutenberg Bible was the first thing a printing press ever stamped out, but it was the porn that made the technology popular. It also was the driving force behind the adoption of VCRs and DVDs. Hell, the Internet itself owes a great many thanks to porn for showing the world that streaming video and online credit card transactions are not only possible but the throbbing heart of our brave and hyper-luxurious future. Neither Netflix nor iTunes would be here if not for porn. So if GoPro wants to stick around, the obvious choice is strapping their product to a bunch of naked bodies and letting nature take its hot, sweaty course.

And, whether GoPro wants to admit it or not, pornographers are already using their cameras to full effect. According to an article from Fast Company, porn makers love GoPros for a meaty handful of reasons:

1. GoPros bring viewers closer to vaginae and penises than ever before. These HD cameras are impossibly small and light, which makes them perfect for close-up shots that make genitals look like parade balloons. Shooting a penis through a GoPro, you can't help but imagine two dozen people guiding it with ropes through Manhattan with Spider-Man and SpongeBob lingering not far behind.

Brad Barket/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
The Red Ranger battles his most formidable foe yet.

2. They're waterproof. They can withstand even the most spectacular, Old Faithful-esque ejaculations. You can go nuts on these babies, literally. All fluids are fair game.

3. They can be strapped to any part of a porn star's body. This will give the footage a much more "realistic" POV perspective.

4. The built-in slow-motion options are great for footage of glistening, ropy cum shots in all their slick, shiny glory. Every streak of white gold is beautifully captured by a highly advanced device that would slit its wrists right now if it could.

5. It feels less intrusive for the actors. Because when a porn star is being filmed with a hand in their ass and a penis lovingly draped over their ear, they still have personal boundaries that need to be respected. An intrusive camera can really ruin the immersion. If you catch my drift.

And that's just assuming that we use GoPro to continue making the porn we already have. But we already know that people who buy GoPros may try to justify that purchase by becoming risk takers, adventurers, Indiana Jonesers. Hopefully, porn will do the same thing. In a few ways, they already have.

Drone technology has taken off in the past decade. It used to just kill terrorists, but now with the help of GoPros, drones are porn impresarios, filming people fucking from a hundred feet in the air. One company, presumably the first one to have the idea, because they got the best name, calls it Drone Boning.

Most drone hobbyists just let their camera-bots fly around a warehouse, but these brave innovators let their drone soar over stunning vistas while masturbators play Where's Waldo? trying to spot the pale, flaying limbs of a couple banging in a grassy field.


Someone needs to splice this clip into one of the "New Zealand is beautiful" montages
from the Lord Of The Rings.

Drone porn isn't just about masturbating to artsy reinterpretations of Google Maps satellite view. Believe it or not, using a drone to record people having sex can be super-creepy, too, like in this (NSFW, because it's porn) video where the sex is filmed by a drone from far outside of a couple's apartment. Which is amazing, because "masturbating to people you're watching through a drone" has only been possible for less than a decade, and it's already not only a recognized fetish but a viable demographic. We're never more fearless, more drawn to insane risks, and more willing to push the boundaries of what a human body is physically capable of than when we're jerking off to a video. Which is yet another reason GoPro and porn were made for each other.


Everyone should be wearing pads and helmets.

While a drone with a GoPro strap-on adds a modern, aerial twist to classic porn, it's still confined to the physical realm. GoPro is already working on a solution to that, and the porn industry's loins are aching with desire for it: virtual reality porn.

New Line Cinema
The Lawnmower Man had the right idea, except for the part where people
are having sex with Windows Media Player visualizations.

VR porn isn't a thing of the future. Early adopters have been masturbating in fully immersive virtual realities for a while now. It's only a matter of time before we unwind from a long day by shoving our heads inside a VR helmet and then, a moment later, someone's vagina. One of the technologies making VR porn possible is, of course, the GoPro. One porn production company has set up 12 GoPros on a circular array that captures 360-degree footage that can be fully explored while wearing VR goggles. So not only can you enjoy someone else's fucking in a full VR experience, you are also free to take in the details of the Hollywood Hills mansion the video was shot in. Appreciate the decor. Marvel at the view. Wonder how much the owner is regretting their decision to try out Airbnb.

GoPro has already taken its first steps into the VR market. For professionals, they've got a circular 16-camera rig called the Odyssey that retails for $15,000. GoPro also has a smaller, simpler rig for average folks who want to record every inch of their sloppy physiques and weirdly shaped genitalia slamming into each other for their personal archives of gooey deviancy. GoPro would be wise to fully embrace and maybe even sponsor porn shoots, seeing as every gadget blog that's tested VR porn says that it's the future of the industry, even though they think that future is "intensely creepy."

The solution to GoPro's financial woes already exists, and it's both explosive and bountiful. Money shot isn't the term for it. It's more like a money bukkake. They just have to grab their ankles and accept it, because coming up behind them is a GoPro camera strapped to a dildo and the VR masturbators are lining up around the block, credit cards in hand, so they can see what it's like to be the drone that fucks.

Luis is jacked into the VR-verse and is hacking your Gibson. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and on Facebook.

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