Complaints to Domino's That They Didn't Put in Their Ad
Domino's Pizza has recently unveiled a bold new ad campaign to spread word of their new and improved pizza recipe. In the ads, letters and Tweets from Domino's customers that criticize the company's pizza are read aloud. If you've ever battled your way through a Domino's pizza you can probably guess the direction these criticisms went. Terms like "cardboard" and "ketchup" and "cascading torrents of bile" feature prominently.
As it happens, I too have been writing letters to Domino's over the years, the timing of said letters tightly corresponding with occasions I consume Domino's Pizza. A healthy sense of self-importance has caused me to save all my correspondence - originally this was for the benefit of future scholars, but in recent years I've also decided it will be useful in case mankind ever needs to prove our civilization's cultural worth on the floor of some kind of alien tribunal.
"Such strange creatures to create beauty out of repeated use of the word 'dong.' You shall be spared."
But after a careful review of my writings and the recent ad campaign, I'm sad to say that none of my critiques of Domino's pizza were aired. I consider this a missed opportunity for Domino's, as Chris Bucholz: Man of Letters (Angry, Spittle-flecked) will be sure to be a best seller in coming years, and the chance to have a future space-Pulitzer winning author write for their ad campaign shouldn't have been passed up lightly.
To pick up the ball which Domino's Pizza has so carelessly dropped, I've decided to reprint below a selection of some of the highlights of my correspondence with them. Although I use the term "correspondence" lightly, as not once did Domino's reply to me, unless you count "by making their pizzas worse," which I don't.
__________
Hello Domino's,
My friend and I ordered a pepperoni classic today and when it arrived we found it to be incredibly chewy. He said it was because your dough isn't kneaded enough, but I suggested it was because the pizza was made entirely out of condoms. Can you settle that bet for us?
Chris Bucholz
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Hey Domino's,
Here's a thought: How about using ingredients which impart flavor? Like basil? Or salt? Jesus Christ, people. Making a crust entirely out of flour and children's tears is commendable for its economy, but I think you might be missing pizza's whole raison d'tre: It is for being tasty.
Chris Bucholz
_________
Also, your delivery cars have the incorrect number of wheels.
_______
Dear Domino's,
Your pizza tastes like the bottom of a hamster cage, if that hamster's girlfriend had left him and he'd gotten kind of sloppy about taking care of himself.
Chris Bucholz
_________
Domino's,
Your pizza tastes like a fart made it with a pulp mill.
Chris Bucholz
______
Dear Domino's
That's it. I've had enough of this post-pizza rolling on the floor holding my ass. I will run you over. I will find out who is reading this letter (You are. It's you.) and I will run you over with a car. Don't think I'm serious? I AM WRITING THIS IN MY CAR. That is how not fucking around right now I am. I am writing this on my steering wheel and it is honking every time I write a letter and now the police are coming and I will have to cut this short.
OK, they're gone.
Die-HONK-Die-Die-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-Die-Die-Die
Chris Bucholz
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"Child's torso stuffed crust pizza" was a terrible idea and you should be ashamed.
_______
Dear Domino's
Did you know that the security at your corporate headquarters conduct rounds of the building every hour on the hour? And that there are no security cameras that can see the load bearing walls on the southern facing quadrant? Just thought you'd be curious.
X
________
Dear Domino's
YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE. Apparently my company's HR policy has rules about how much ammonia fertilizer we can keep under our desks. So now guess who's out of a job? Hint: It's the same guy who's girlfriend just left him because he keeps ordering Domino's Pizza and swearing on the toilet.
Chris
P.S. It's me. I am the one who is fired.
_____
Dear Domino's
Your pizza still tastes like a terrorist attacking an enema factory. But that's not why I'm writing you. I'm writing to tell you that your hour of judgment is at hand. I've got a sweet gig writing for a huge magazine - you'll have heard of it, it's name begins with "Cracked." I am going to use my platform at this media behemoth to destroy you and everything you hold dear. No more firing rocks at your parking lot from a tree mounted slingshot a block away. Just the simple life of an honest demagogue for me.
Welcome to hell.
XOX
Chris Bucholz
P.S. I also get to sleep under my desk. Things have finally started to turn up for Bucholz.
_______
Dear Domino's
So it turns out our magazine went under when no one bought it. My editors worry that it was my 4,000 word treatises on how man should cast off the shackles that bind him and tear Domino's employees to shreds with their hands and feet, that were "a little hard to digest."
Fortunately our website is doing OK. I've been told I have to stick to writing lists about He-Man's outfits until I learn discipline. It will probably be a couple years before I can rend the flesh from your bones with a satirical article, but rest assured I will never forget what you did to me or my bowels. Your day of reckoning will come.
In closing, I hope your children disappoint you.
Chris Bucholz
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I thought this was going to be able making fun of Dominos. If I'd known it'd be about laughing at overly angry twats getting way to serious about pizza, I'd have been mentally prepared in a completely different light.
ReplyJust eat thin crust. It's great. There's not enough there for them to f**k up.
ReplyExtremely funny. I give you seven internets.
ReplyAs for the vaguely insane people commenting below...pay them no mind. I've baked a lot of really good pizza, and I've baked a few s****y ones. I've never worked in a chain, but I eat chain pizza fairly regularly. Most of it's adequate-to-good.
I like Dominos. I especially enjoyed the older version, the non-garlicy one. This is what I have to say. For me, Dominos has always been good, not great, but good.
ReplyEw. Domino's.
ReplyAlso... why is the website name on the front of the car backwards? Granted... if they run into something, the name would clearly print in a readable manner... Is it so they can personally sign their accidents or something? Seems like a credible Domino's action seeing as they like to feed their "used toilet paper" flavored food to people I guess...
Two part question: what happens when you look at something in a mirror, and what do drivers look in a lot to see the front of the car behind them? Bonus question: how did you not figure that out on your own?
Ooh! OOH!
It's reflected, a mirror, and birth defects. I accept candy as a prize.
I'm not sure how valid some commenter's arguments are. I feel like we're all kind of like flies in a spider's web, utterly powerless yet twitching as much as we can before we are partially digested and saved for later when the spider needs another helping of our guts. I like domino's, but I guess since I've never had fancy OG straight up motherland pizza, I don't have much to compare it to, other than the handful of other pizza delivery companies that also don't offer genuine Italian cuisine.
ReplyUnfortunately, there are pizza places with nastier-tasting pizzas than Dominoes... like Pizza Pizza, Godfather's, and New Orleans Pizza. All three of these serve what tastes like soggy cardboard coated with a thin layer of watered-down generic bargain-bin canned tomato sauce and have barely enough cheese to feed an anorexic mouse. If you ask for extra cheese, you still get less than what you find on the cheapest frozen grocery-store pizza and they charge you an extra $2 for it. Sad to say, in my town, Dominoes is the best bet for getting a pizza that has something approaching flavour, lots of toppings, and loads of cheese.
ReplyAnd don't get me started on Boston Pizza's soggy, slimy, undercooked crusts...
I don't know if this is because of location (Chicago), but Domino's is decent here. Particularly after the revamping. I really like their thin crust, which I just had recently for the first time. I've definitely had worse, is all I'm saying.
ReplyThe last time I ate a Dominos pizza I threw it up all over my bathroom. f**k Dominos. I hopes it catches on fire and burns to the ground.
ReplyDear Patrick Doyle,
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesWe address this email directly to you because in your ads you speak to the customer directly. We were impressed with your messaging and concern for the customer, so much so that we bought Domino’s stock. However, I am writing this email to tell you how pathetic the reality is when it comes to how you actually treat customers. Your messaging is such a hoax and not backed by action.
Not just on one occasion but THREE have you offered bad to horrible service! So much so that in the last one we ended up CALLING THE COPS to your (992 W El Camino Sunnyvale) location on June 2nd, because of the harassment received by the manager and the associate.
Our first bad experience was when we ordered a ten topping pizza (1711 West El-Camino Real, Mt. View), on opening the pizza, it was partially burned and did not have ten toppings rather eight. We were planning to send a picture of the pizza but could not find where to send it so we just took this as a one time incident and ignored.
We gave that location another try, and on another day, again ordered a ten topping pizza and this time we were careful to mention that please make sure you put 10 and don’t burn the pizza as last time. Believe it or not, when we went to the store, the pizza was again light on toppings and when we said this is a ten topping pizza, the guy just said we can’t put all the toppings otherwise we will not be able to run the business profitably. We were stunned, shocked and called customer service, which was closed, but somehow were able to talk to someone in the store locator department. The lady there said she can’t do much except send an email explaining what happened, with our contact number. Guess, what? TILL THIS DATE NO EMAIL OR PHONE CALL has been received about our complaint from Domino’s. So much so for wanting to listen to your customers.
Our third horrible experience (June 2nd) where we ended up calling the cops. We tried another location this time (992 W El Camino Sunnyvale). We saw the TV ad 2 for 5.99, medium two topping pizza and we called to place the order. We ordered one pizza with a deep-dish crust and the other with the hand tossed one. We were never told of any extra charge for the deep dish crust; rather we confirmed the total price. I must admit the manager was unpleasnt on the phone to begin with while taking the order. When we drove to the place to the pick up, the guy gave us the pizza and told us there is an extra charge for the deep dish. We were shocked. We told him we just talked over the phone and we were never told that there is an extra charge and urged him that this is unfair. He said, the manager took your order and he is not here, and I am too busy, and I REFUSE to serve you the pizza and he literally SNATCHED THE PIZZA from our hands and THREW THE CREDIT CARD on the floor. We were literally going to hit him for his behavior but we decided to call the cops. He was so rude and kept smiling all the time when we waited for the cops to arrive. He nor his manager even once tried to resolve the issue. All the time we waited the manager did not call or show up. When the cops finally arrived, they explained they can’t do much because it is a civil matter and all we told him that the reason this went so far is because of complete lack of respect to customers.
Additionally, we noticed that BASIC HEALTH STANDARDS WERE NOT BEING MAINTAINED. No one was wearing gloves while baking/handling the pizza and touching it with their bare hands.
I think Domino’s tops the list of companies that has the worst quality and customer service. More importantly, the impression I got was that Domino’s does not even bother to address customer complaints because we had put one after our second incident. We are trying this letter with our last resort to hear what actions Domino’s and you Patrick Doyle are going to take over the locations we just described. We actually dare you to make an example out of them w.r.t. how they treated us. It is easy to take a picture of a pizza and say we will fix it, but would love to hear what actions you are going to take about this.
We are sending this letter over to you via mail, email, etc. However, this is also going to as many public forums, blogs, etc. We were advised by the cops to write to the business bureau. We will do what we can, but the question is what are you going to do? We need some answers, because not only are we frustrated and harassed as customers but we are angry as shareholders, we need to know, what kind of ship are you running?
Go back to Planet Feedback, there is no gift certificate fairy here.
You don't have to wear gloves when making pizza. Commercial conveyor ovens heat the components to several hundred degrees, making gloves unnecessary. So, ya know; complaint fail.
Really? The police? Because they refused to serve you?
No, the police probably because of the aggressive attitude when they cashier threw the credit card. Also, it may seem like not a big deal when you get there, and they refuse to give you their pizza, but there are many times when in this sort of situation that it can be a huge inconvenience: i.e. when you have a hungry kid, and you've waited for a half an hour for your pizza, and you go to pick it up, and they refuse, and you have to cook (thus another hour of waiting) or get food from somewhere else (thus another hour of waiting) or if you are trying to get something before work, and not having anything else that when they deny to give you the food you ordered you have to work anywhere from an 8-12 hour shift, now without lunch (especially if you are working the night shift and nothing is open during lunch break).
you mad bro?
fool me once shame on u , fool me twice shame on me.......u shuldnt have given it a third try....
I hear Dominoes tastes like mashed a*****es but I didn't think this was funny. Whoever wrote this's wittyness sucks.
ReplyThe legibility of that last sentence sucks.
You're a dicky-dumbass hatersgonnahate. Your mother was a whore and your father was a field mouse. I once saw your sister, she looked like somebody slaughtered a family of hamsters and used their entrails to build a shell of a life-form. The first time I encountered your father was at a dick-sucking convention, I was there because there is nothing gay about getting your dick sucked, guess what he was there for? The only way people can look at your mother's vagina and not vomit is by first desensitizing themselves with pictures of vaginas bloodily torn with machetes; they still gag a little. Whenever somebody gazes upon the disgusting figure that is your face, they instantly feel compelled to slaughter infants, which is why you never met the aforementioned sister. Your mothers vagina is like a hacky-sack, it has no real use and college stoners like to kick it for fun. Incidentally, your dick is like a leech, it's tiny, never looks like it should exist, and nobody likes it.
Domino's is really good in New Zealand.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIn Brazil and Mexico too.
Because you've never had real pizza. Who the f**k knows how to make Pizza in Brazil? Other than somebody told by corporate headquarters.
^ Dick.
In Mexico, It's Pizza Hut that is exactly like the article says....Domino's Pizza is OK...
That's because they're pissing in your crust.
This is crap. This is not the Cracked I know and love; where people look at things from different angles and expose the truth in a hilarious and often mind-boggling way. This is someone having a big old fanwank over his own jokes, which, just for the record, are not funny. I read this expecting to have a good chuckle about people saying funny things about Domino's, you know, in the style of those Amazon reviews posted a while back. What I found was one man's "hilarity" posted and milked to the point of making me feel just a little bit sick.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesUnfortunately for you,you used "chuckle" to try and validate your point. You are no longer taken seriously. Quit being a dick.
No GG is right, you on the other hand are a retarded c**ksucker. Quit being a dick.
That Amazon review article was stolen. Christina is a s**tty writer.
pleeeease, try and write a better article then. All im tryna say
I AM DOMINOES. DOMINOES IS ME. SUCK MY s****y PIZZA CORPORATE DONG. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR HITLER, MAO AND OBAMA. YOU ARE MY ASS SLAVES FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.
Domino's is actually half decent here...
Reply"Child's torso stuffed crust pizza" was a terrible idea and you should be ashamed.
ReplyI was ROFL all over the place when I saw that. Domino's is actually just about my favorite pizza.
I am an American teenager who has never eaten an authentic pizza. We buy Little Caesar's when we're broke and there are a lot of us. Domino's is pretty good.
ReplyLittle ceasars f**kin' RULESSSs
youve got it backwards. dominos does indeed suck. little caesars is awesome. you must have a very bad little caesars and the best dominos ever in your town to draw that conclusion.
I'm something of a pizza connoisseur. I love pizza. Dominoes pizza is the worst pizza I have ever eaten. It is the ONLY pizza that has ever made me sick every single time I've ever eaten it. I refuse to try the new version on the grounds that I may end up hospitalized.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI thought I was the only one....
Candace, isnt eating something then throwing it up over and over again called bullimeia? Stop using Dominos as a crutch for your disease.
Drama queen.
At least 'Dominos' is half edible now, while 'Pizza Hut' still tastes like Wonder bread deep-fried in olive oil and aids.
ReplyIt's funny, because Domino's pizza is still s**t. Only now, it's s**t with a bunch of grainy, unnecessary "s**ces" on the crust.
ReplyAlso, I'm totally using "I hope your children disappoint you" to end the next argument I have with someone. xD
wow, s**ces gets it now?
So ehm... I don't know about you guys, but in Ireland Domino's Pizza isn't half bad...
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesi actually like it in ireland....much better that 4star
Half bad is still not half good....
Yes it is, hertzdoughnut. That is how fractions work. Assuming that the two quantities you are using are "bad" and "good" and that the substance is composed of half "bad", then, logically, the other half must be "good".
...
MATH!
Actually, uzu, that's not really the way to look at it, unless good meets bad. If good is the top 10% and bad is the bottom 10 percent, then 15% and 85% are half bad and half good.