A Series of Dispatches From Jersey Shore's New Intern
Dear Sally-Ann Salsano,
Hello, Mrs. Salsano, this is Joseph Caruso, one of the new interns on Jersey Shore. I'm sorry to bother you, I know you've got a lot going on producing this and other wonderful MTV programs, but I'm a little worried about an ... issue, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I took a quick nap earlier today before the cast showed up and, when I woke up, something called a "Snooki" was in my bed. At first I thought someone hot-glued a snout to a moldy catcher's mitt, but then when I saw it moving around I thought it was a dachshund-Troll-doll hybrid or some kind of self-aware funnel cake made of cherry vodka. I took a picture of it for your records [attached]. I was going to press sexual harassment charges, but all she did was squeal at my genitals, which I don't think is technically illegal. At any rate, I'd be happy if this didn't happen again. If there's someone else I should talk to, let me know.
Best,
-Joey
Intern, Jersey Shore
Dear Sally-Ann Salsano,
It is becoming increasingly clear that I might not be the right person for this job. I study TV and Film at Hofstra, I'm qualified to make a documentary not ... whatever this is. Shooting, lighting, editing; those are things I can do. Chasing around eight horny meatballs with a camera, mopping up orange-tinted vomit and watching STDs evolve in real time -- those are things that are not in my job description.
Can I maybe switch to a different job or, if that's not possible, can I please sleep somewhere else? They keep ... putting things in me.
-Joey
Intern, Jersey Shore
Dear Sally-Ann Salsano,
I am disappointed to learn that my initial request for transfer has been denied. That said, I don't want you for a second to think that my enthusiasm for the wonderful MTV family has waned, in any way. I was simply pointing out that my skill set might not be appropriate for this program. If you'd like me to continue on here, I will. I should point out, however, that it's only week three and we are severely over budget. As you requested, I purchased enough alcohol to murder a generation of grizzly bears, and these people finished every last drop of it. If you still want to keep the cast consistently inebriated for the rest of the season, I will need either an increased budget or to wake up from this nightmare.
Also, don't ask me how I know this, but one of them has been fucking a bottle of hair gel. Just -- I know it.
I know it.
Still, though, look at the way the shot is framed, with the "Alone" lifesaver hanging in the background. Solid cinematography.
Dear Sally-Ann Salsano,
Thank you so so much for finally granting me my transfer request. I know three requests might be excessive, but it worked, right! I truly cannot thank you enough. Being around these people made me completely lose faith in humanity. There has never been a greater concentration of shallow, miserable and profoundly damaged people in one house. Now that I am officially no longer a part of this show, I think it's safe to say that there is nothing more dangerous than a family of sociopaths with inflated senses of entitlement. If you're wondering what happened to the kid who eats worms because he can't tell the difference between good and bad attention, he grew up and calls himself "The Situation." If you're wondering how low human beings can go before they stop being humans, watch the raw footage of this season. If you're wondering why God abandoned us, it's because he will never stop blaming himself for his indirect responsibility in making this show possible by inventing life.
Still, that's in the past, because I'm off the show. Thanks again, I'm really looking forward to my new gig. Never heard of the show, but it sounds great!
Best,
-Joey
Intern, A Triple Shot of Love with Tila Tequila
Check out more from Dan in the brand new Cracked.com book!
Or find out what else he had to say about reality TV, in Bridalplasty: The New Reality Show That Proves We're Doomed.
"when I woke up, something called a "Snooki" was in my bed" best line in the article
Replysomeone please tell that was real??!
ReplyWe all hope that it's real
That monstrosity of modern TV should be called: "Poster-children for euthanasia". Furthermore, the show is not "like a car/train wreck" because those are horrible accidents (mostly) that people look upon in horror, and "the shore" is what people look upon and should feel the need to seek these sub-humans out and bludgeon them with dull axes.
Reply"Self aware funnel cake made of cherry vodka." Hahaha
ReplyThe Jersey Devil now resides in Manhattan because the cast of jersey Shore repulsed him so much.
Reply"when I woke up, something called a "Snooki" was in my bed" Oh god I just cant stop laughing at that part. I need to stop thinking about it or people will think I finally went over the line to insanity.
ReplyDear DOB
ReplyI went to school with Sammi too. Thank you for pointing out that she is a terrible misrepresentation of people from there
My friend made me watch Jersey Shore with her the other day. Interested about all of the fuss, I reluctantly obliged.
ReplyWorst hour of my life.
Oh s**t, I really hope they don't make a spin-off they're so good at making spin-offs out of the most discusting piles of s**t. Also, what kind of people watch this?
Replyjersey shore makes me giggle. it's like a car wreck, you know you should look away, but you just can't. sammi and ronnie need to break up because the show is called "jersey shore" not "sammi and ronnie's problems". it's annoying
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesWHAT THE f**k. YOU'RE A f**kING AMAZING TROLL. I KNOW YOURE TROLLING BUT JUST KNOWING SOMEONE STUPID ENOUGH TO WATCH THAT s**t PILE IS HERE ON CRACKED IS JUST f**kING DEGRADING. GO DIE YOU f**kING JERSEY SHORE WATCHING TROLL f**k
I don't even know how anyone could fathombly respond to Duderall's comment without using searing hot-sarcasm the likes of which could cut the Balrog from LOTR in half.
YEAH WHAT THE f**k ARE YOU DOING ON THIS SITE SPOUTING OF JERSEY'S SHORE'S GREATNESS YOU SON OF A SILLY PERSON? f**kIN TROLL, SAYING YOU WATCH A SHOW YOU OBVIOUSLY ENJOY SINCE YOU'RE SAYING IT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF SMASHING YOUR FACE INTO A STEERING WHEEL. FLBUDAGERAH! HURGEDALFEBAH!
Nail'd It!
Trolls trolling trolls being trolled
DOB, on point as always. Jersey Shore and Bridalplasty are two of the four horsemen signalling the end of days is near.
ReplyHaha I'm not sure Tela Tequila was much of an improvement here though lol, honestly that show pissed me off, especially the self-righteous man-hating lesbians talking s**t.
Hilarious!! The best parts were the Gremlins reference and the fact that DOB is from the same place as a certain talented writer.
ReplySammi really is just a terrible, awful human being, even by reality television standards, even by Jersey Shore standards.
ReplyI literally laughed until I cried. This is why you are a magnificent bastard. I... I love to DOB
ReplyJersey shore makes me lose faith in mankind, but this brilliant article restores some of that faith.
ReplyCracked me up ^-^
This should be turned into a recurring character like the film executives Brockway's written several articles about
ReplyWas thinking exactly the same thing.
I too am trapped in this sh**hole known as "New Jersey". The problem is the air. The collective fumes from Staten Island, factories, hairspray, and various other chemical agents, both biological and synthetic, have caused widespread brain damage amongst the populace. It is in the best interests of everyone to promptly quarantine and firebomb the entire state, as the soil has also been contaminated by the widespread construction of hair gel silos.
Replyas a fellow citizen of hazlet, i completely agree with your description of sammi. so embarrassing for all of us. a solid plan must be organized to drive her out of town FOREVER. we need your help.
Replyhey, caruso! w00+.
ReplyShe might be more famous than you, but that b***h doesn't have her own Wikipedia page, does she?
Reply