It's Mother's Day! Did you remember to make a brunch reservation at mom's favorite restaurant? No? Well don't worry! While I can't help with the reservations, I can do you one better!
Don't take your lovely mom out to a crowded, expensive brunch! Stay home and make her the brunch of her dreams! A mom's love deserves more than a few clicks on Open Table. Get yourself in the kitchen and mix together some of your time, hard work, and don't forget a heaping spoonful of your love, and make her a meal that shows you care.
But here's the best part: It won't even be difficult! All you've got to do is follow my simple recipes for a perfect Mother's Day brunch, and your dear ol' mama will think you're one of those fancy chefs from Applebees.
Here's our menu:
Smoked Salmon and Dill Cream Cheese Crostini
Chocolate Waffles with Raspberry Sauce
Ready to do some cooking to make your mom proud? Let's get started!
Appetizer: Smoked Salmon And Dill Cream Cheese Crostini
1 4-ounce pack smoked salmon
Salt and pepper
1 baguette, cut into 1/4-inch slices
3 sprigs fresh dill
1 Garlic clove
8 ounces whipped cream cheese
1/2 a red onion
Diced chives for garnishDirections:
1) Place the baguette slices on a baking pan and drizzle lightly with olive oil, salt, and pepper.
2) Bake at 400 degrees until lightly toasted, about 10 minutes.
3) Mince the dill and garlic clove. Combine in a bowl with the whipped cream cheese.
4) Slice the -- oh, wait. There's a knock at the door. Stop what you're doing and look through the peephole. Ugh. Goddamn it. It's mom. She's, like, 20 minutes early. You're still in basketball shorts and a ratty T-shirt. You've barely started cooking. She never even calls as a heads up. That's so ... her. Whatever. Open the door. Hug her. It's her day, after all.
Christopher Robbins/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"Yeah, mom. You're right. Arriving at times not previously agreed upon is what the kids are doing nowadays."
5) After an exchange of pleasantries and a wishing of a Happy Mother's Day, go back to cooking.
6) Cut the onions into thin slices, set aside.
7) Give your girlfriend an apologetic "Yeah, I know ..." look when she comes out of the bedroom with a towel wrapped around her head and she's surprised by the early arrival of your mom.
8) Continue coo- oh, look. Your mom wants to help. Explain that this is her day, and she should sit back and enjoy the mimosa you've prepared for her. When she insists, even though you know deep down that she's offering help because she thinks you can't make a simple goddamn breakfast like a fully functioning human adult, give her a firm "no" and send her back to the living room.
9) Roll your eyes. Hard.
10) Dice 1/2 tablespoon of chives, set aside.
11) Stop. Take a second to bask in your girlfriend's agony as your mom suggests ways she would decorate the apartment. Smile. Be glad you're not the one dealing with this right now.
11) Back to work. The baguette slices are done! Take them out of the oven and let cool.
12) Slice smoked salmon fillets in half to best fit the toasted baguettes. From your periphery, notice your mom watching your every move. Feel bad. She only wants to help. How much harm could she do?
13) Ask her for some help.
14) Get her to work on spreading cream cheese on the toasted baguette slices.
15) Softly (but angrily) pound a fist into the counter when your mom asks why you haven't asked for a promotion at work.
16) Explain to her, without sounding too bothered, that it's not that easy. There's a hierarchy of shameless ass-kissing and brown-nosing involved that, frankly, you want no part of. Try to explain to her that you're happy where you are now within the company.
Your boss looks mean, but he's actually quite horrible.
17) Close your eyes tight like you're preparing to take a punch as you wait for the inevitable motherly rebuttal.
18) Wait for it ...
19) Waiiit foooor iiiit ...
20) "You know, sweetie, you should really try to reach a little higher with your goals."
21) There it is.
22) Tell her you're fine. Tell her you're happy. Tell her you're exactly where you want to be in life. Tell her to not use so much damn cream cheese on each slice of toast. You're not made of cream cheese.
23) When she fires back with, "Okay, that's fine. But when you were little, all the kids would pick you to be team captain when you played sports," futilely try to make her understand that a pickup kickball game and being a "Telephonic Assistance Specialist" at a local cable television provider's call center are very different things.
24) Both of you continue working in silence after she says, "Well I'm sorry for thinking you'd make a great manager one day."
25) When the spreading is done, assemble the crostini as such: salmon, then onion, then top it all off with the chives.
26) As your mom asks if she can have a crostini now or if she has to wait until all the courses are ready, take note of the shiny purple robot that smashed through your ceiling and into your living room in front of your girlfriend. Also observe how the robot is not alone. Straddling it, delivering thunderous blows that release a crackling blue electronic charge with each mighty strike, is someone who looks familiar. Also notice how peculiar this day has been so far.
Like this, but with a bigger special effects budget.
27) When this warrior has sufficiently pummeled the programming out of the robot's head, greet her with a cordial "Hello!" followed by a congenial and sincere "THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"
28) When the warrior stands, awestruck and slightly wistful as she assesses the company she's with, repeat the previous question, but louder. Like your voice is holding a knife.
29) When she says, "It's you. All of you," wait out her entire dramatic pause so you can hear her say, "Mom, Dad, Grandma. It appears you have finished making the first course in what will one day be considered the most important brunch in the history of the human race."
30) Say "Oh" a second after your girlfriend says "Huh ..." and all before your mom says, "Oh, so we're waiting, then? Okay. That's fine. I'm starved, but that's fine."
Entree: Eggs Benedict
English Muffins, sliced and toasted
8 to 10 slices Canadian baconFor Hollandaise Sauce:
4 egg yolks
1 1/12 tablespoon water
Large pinch of kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
8 slices of cold unsalted butter, 1 tablespoon each
1/4 teaspoon sugarFor Poached Eggs:
4 quarts water
1/4 cup white vinegar
Pinch of kosher salt
8 to 10 eggsDirections:
1) Listen carefully as your future daughter explains the hellscape that is the future. Machines have taken over. What little of humanity is left either fights against the mechanized armies or is enslaved by them. The world burns, the sky is always hazy and grey, and getting a decent brunch is nearly impossible.
Like this, but less copyright infringe-y.
2) To this, say "Hm." Then your girlfriend will ask, "So you're our daughter, and you're here because ..."
3) When your daughter explains that the machines have traveled to this date and hour to prevent this brunch from taking place, say "That's dumb." Then ask "Why?"
4) The moment she finishes saying, "It's like you always told me, Dad: By the end of this brunch, you will decide that you want something more. You want to matter," start wondering if you've got enough eggs to save the world.
5) Your girlfriend will ask, "What happens to him after that?"
6) "Eventually?" your daughter replies, "Dad becomes the Supreme Allied Commander of the global human resistance in the fight against the machines."
7) When your mom chimes in with, "Supreme Allied Commander? Well, that's like a manager. Congratulations, sweetie! I'm so proud of you!" brush off her hug.
8) Your daughter's ears will perk as a symphony of smooth robotic whirring closes in outside. She will activate her ion rocket boots and arm her wrist-mounted blasters. She'll lift off the ground and, just before smashing through your living room window, say, "Finish the brunch. I'll hold them off."
9) With a smash, she's off and blasting away at the descending aerial hordes of robots. Process this moment of surrealism by completely ignoring it, and go mindlessly gather your ingredients. It's time to set the wheels of destiny into motion and save the human race with a nice brunch.
*"Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" by Drowning Pool*
10) Separate the 4 egg yolks from the whites, and combine in a medium pot set to low heat. Add 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper, 1 1/2 tablespoons water, and salt.
11) Add tablespoons of butter one at a time, about every 30 to 40 seconds, while whisking constantly. Remember to intermittently move the pot off the heat for a few seconds at a time to prevent scrambling the eggs, and remember to dodge the errant laser beams that tear through your kitchen as your daughter battles the robots. Here comes one now!
12) Nice dodge! Who knew you could action roll so well! And the hollandaise is still looking great!
13) Squeeze in the juice of half a lemon, then add remaining 1/4 teaspoon cayenne. Whisk for around a minute. Hover over the pot as you whisk to prevent debris from your crumbling ceiling from falling into the hollandaise.
14) It is crucial that you do not overheat the hollandaise, so when a couple of robots smash through the wall of your kitchen to rip you and your family to shreds, grab your iron skillet and whack it across the head with one hand while whisking with the other. When the robot begins to glitch and fire sparks, say, "It appears you're hollan-dazed and confused." Smile, because you just made a really good brunch pun, and unbeknownst to you, those are the words that will be engraved on your tombstone many decades from now.
15) Toss the pan to your girlfriend and tell her to defend the gaping hole in the kitchen -- you've got eggs to poach. But first, transfer the hollandaise to a heat-resistant plastic container and cover until ready to serve.
16) Bring a 4-quart pot of water to a medium boil and add in the white vinegar. When your mom asks about the ETA on the brunch, because she wants to get to Target to pick up a few out-of-season Febreze air freshener scents before people snatch them up, say, "Mom, I love you, but ..." and then point to the enormous hole through which her future daughter-in-law and granddaughter can be seen fighting robots.
An accurate representation of a large hole.
17) Wonder if any of this is even worth it after she says, "Okay sweetie. But the Febreze. Just remember."
18) Stir the boiling water to create a little whirlpool, then crack the eggs in. Boil on medium heat for five minutes, stirring occasionally.
19) Use this time to slice and toast the English Muffins, and to be attacked by a robot that overpowered your girlfriend / future wife to make it to you.
20) Cower in fear, and check on the eggs to make sure the water isn't too hot.
21) Be saved by your glorious girlfriend mere seconds before the robot sinks its sharp talons into your chest. (NOTE: They have talons.) She will beat the robot to a pile of bolts with the skillet for around 20 to 40 seconds, or until the English Muffins are golden brown.
22) Look at your brave daughter fighting robots in the distance through the kitchen hole as your incredible girlfriend stands above the twisted corpse of a robot while triumphantly spinning a heavy skillet in her hands. Know there is no question where your daughter will get it from.
23) Remove the eggs from the water with a slotted spoon and set them on a paper towel.
24) Notice your mom sneaking a bite of the crostini and say to her, "Mom! Really?!" Roll your eyes at her, as she rolls her eyes at you while silently mouthing, "Sorry! I'm starving!"
25) Fry the Canadian bacon in a small pan until browned.
26) To plate: Top a slice of English Muffin with a slice of Canadian bacon and a poached egg. Hold off on the hollandaise until just before serving.
27) Feel a cold metallic hand on your shoulder.
First your shoulder, then ... the world
28) Notice that a robot has you in its talons, you're bleeding quite a bit and it hurts like hell, and your girlfriend is knocked out on the floor.
29) Get yanked out of the kitchen hole and flung high into the air. Watch the robots stop fighting your daughter so they may join as one. They form a swirling, gleaming purple tornado that you will fall into. You will come out the other side as spray of chunks. As you fall towards the giant robotic garbage disposal, realize you probably should have preheated the waffle iron.