Recently, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson posed for a poster which featured him dressed in camo and surrounded by weapons crates filled with footballs, as the words "Armed and Dangerous" captioned the whole thing. It's corny, which befits of one of the cornier players in the NFL.
The poster was a tongue-in-cheek homage to sports posters of the 1980s, which all had the same style, but without the reassurance that they were made as a goof. At the time, posters like the one above were considered the epitome of badass, of manliness, of awesome. And now they're jokes, relics of a time when the transformative powers of cocaine turned every turd of an idea into a product on a store shelf.
Players were assigned shitty nicknames (randomly so, most times), matched to shitty costumes and prop-heavy gimmicks. The results were beautiful, and have absolutely not withstood the test of time. So here are a bunch of them.
Between 1979 and 1988, Mark Gastineau was a defensive end for the New York Jets. Since he was pretty good, and New York teams naturally get an inordinate amount of press coverage, Gastineau was a star, and there wasn't a photo shoot he didn't turn down. Sure, he looks silly dressed as a dollar store Conan the Barbarian, but that's how he always looked. It doesn't matter if he was making love to you with his eyes through a mirror ...
... or posing for the cover of his workout book in what are probably a child's pajama pants ...
... or demonstrating that mustache, mullet, and skintight disco genes were a potent combination ...
Mark Gastineau always looked like Mark Gastineau, and Mark Gastineau always looked like William Murderface from Metalocalypse.
This poster of Hall of Fame running back Eric Dickerson has so much going on that I had to annotate it.
1) I had to look this up. I normally wouldn't, since the phrase "May the horse be with you" is a something we all say all the time, every day, taken from that famous movie Star Warhorse. But I needed to know if there was a reason it was there. At the time of this poster, Dickerson was playing for the Indianapolis Colts, and he played college football as a member of the Southern Methodist University Mustangs, but as far as the records show, no one ever called him a horse -- at least, not to his face. I guess I'll never know why the phrase "May the horse be with you" was on that wall. I suppose it was just a motivational slogan which spiritually uplifted the scientists when science got them down. When science gets rough, it's good to know there's an invisible horse by your side.
2) It is vitally important to the poster's visual narrative that we understand this is taking place at 2 o'clock. This, for some reason, will be a recurring theme.
4) That woman is not doing science; she's caressing his shin. Her science license should be revoked immediately.
5) Guarantee you that was the working title for Robocop 2.