All You Need to Know About Why Everything Will Be OK

Everything is going to be OK. I promise. Don't freak out. I wouldn't lie to you. Trust me.

Everything is going to be OK, even though it's not and we all die.

KatarzynaBialasiewicz/iStock/Getty Images
That is the truth.

Don't be afraid, but that's stupid. Be terrified. Just don't be afraid about things you should not be afraid of, like what assholes think about you. Those dicks are such dicks. While you're on this planet, I really recommend just being the weirdest, loudest, most honest you you can be.

You might as well just love sloppy, and dress crazy, and say outrageous things that don't hurt people's feelings because if you hurt people's feelings willy-nilly then you are the asshole I just told you to not fear.

Look, be fabulous and fearless all you want. I'm just suggesting you be, oh, 80 percent fabulous.

Lario Tus/iStock/Getty Images
Fearless people tend to not fear things like murder.

Everything is going to be OK, though. I know it feels like the four horsemen of the apocalypse are doing doughnuts on the face of humanity.

Things are scary, but they could be worse. Actually, they're going to get worse. If the Ebola doesn't get you, the decapitations will. You will fall on the tracks and a train will eat you.

Lightning will make you dance. Bullets will install a skylight in your skull.

Heart disease. Hurricanes. Hezbollah.

You might even die in your sleep at 100 years old. Although, in my experience, when you read about how someone died surrounded by loved ones what's really happening is that someone died while their loved ones were outside chain smoking.

It's not like I'm not optimistic. The future holds wonders and miracles for people who will probably not be born for hundreds of years. Man, it would be great to be a brain suspended inside a giant biomechanical spider. I could probably visit Mars Vegas.

But right now, at this moment, things are OK. Check in tomorrow for an update. Tomorrow, everything might be mega-fucked-up.

stokkete/iStock/Getty Images
This is optimism.

I told you I wouldn't lie to you. Nope. It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty if it's a glass of cold piss.

See?

Here's some more truth: I think you're doing the best you can do, and your best is pretty great. Don't give up. Failure is just success with morning breath and bed head.

The most exciting stories are the ones with heroes who don't think they can go on, but they do.

Sometimes they have friends. I think there's a law that you can't quest without three or four trusted companions. I think one of them has to be an archer, and one of them has to be a demolitions expert. Find your Avengers. Conquer fears together. Fight dragons. Make art. Ugh. Make as much art as possible -- theater, painting, children, whatever. Anyway, these people are your family.

Now, what I'm about to write might be hard to deal with, but most people are jerks. So I'd like to make a few points.

Never listen to anyone who writes essays on the Internet, except for me.

4774344sean/iStock/Getty Images
I'm just trying to help.

If you stop listening to me, I will have to respect that you take good advice well.

Never listen to anyone who talks about politics too much. People who talk about politics want to be in charge of the whole enchilada. That is the problem with everything. There is enough enchilada to go around.

Never listen to people who say "no worries," because, yes worries. All the worries. AIDS. ISIS. IRS. What the fuck do you mean "no worries"? Hey, instead of smiling a serial killer clown smile and saying "no worries," try just producing a guttural groan from the wet basement of your soul instead. This is the most honest thing anyone can say about life. Let this raw human sound bubble up like methane gas escaping a lake of tar.

Are we OK?

Uuugghhh.

Never listen to anyone who doles out "tough love," because there is no such thing as "tough love." Love isn't tough. Love is indestructible. Love is made out of adamantium and star lava. Since love cannot be destroyed, love is gentle. Love is nice.

So eat a space monster dick with your "tough love" bullshit.

Never listen to anyone who toasts their bagel.

Now put your hand on the computer screen.

NiseriN/iStock/Getty Images
Just one, don't be weird.

I am putting my hand on my computer screen. Can you feel my energy?

Of course you can't. Christmas is a nice thought, too, though. That doesn't mean I'm not there, with you, wherever you are, like a blue Jedi ghost. Everything is going to be OK. There will be suffering. There will also be these moments when everything works out, and your mom is happy, and you have money in the bank, and you're doing exactly what you want to be doing, even if it is for a moment. Then there will probably be more suffering. But remember that delicious slice of thank you life sandwiched between that old ouch and the current one?

Recommended For Your Pleasure

John Devore

  • Rss

More by John Devore:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

475 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!