9 Stupid Words We Should Retire in 2015

A new year is upon us, and that means we need to arbitrarily decide some things will be different, solely based on the fact that Earth has completed another cycle around the sun in a way that proves nothing other than physics are still working. To start, let's work on language. We have a whole shitload of words available to use in our day-to-day interactions to express a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and ideas. Too many, in fact. Some of these words are just shameful and need to be retired. It's not that they don't have meanings or can't necessarily be useful; it's just that you inevitably sound kind of dumb using them. So please don't use them.

#9. Slacks/Trousers

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I want you to regard this particular entry with a caveat -- I think both of these words are hilarious. Slacks? Oh my God, I'd go shopping for slacks with all of you in a heartbeat. And trousers? What the fuck does that even mean? It's glorious. But only in two contexts -- humorous and unintentionally humorous. If you're sincere and not funny about trousers or slacks, I have no choice but to presume you're a murderer, probably of the serial variety. Like, if you wrote in your day-planner "Iron trousers," and no one else will ever read that, then the next entry in your planner is probably "Gut the mailman and use his sinful flesh to make new slacks. The meat is sweetest near the bone!"

These words are too old-fashioned, like the haberdashers and moperists of yesteryear, to be enjoyed in today's fast-paced world. Why do we need so many words for pants when all we're talking about in every case is cloth that covers your legs? Especially when pants is still a word. And there's jeggings and jeans and khakis and cords and chinos and dungarees and britches and breeches and bloomers. I don't even know if all of those are real words or shit I just made up, like I do. Oh, hey ... clam diggers. What the fuck are those?

The tapestry of the English language is not so rich and robust that it needs to support over a dozen words for pants. Drop your grandpa's trousers and live in the now, friends.

Better Term to Use: Ass tarpaulin

#8. Sassy

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Have you ever heard anyone use the word sassy with any degree of sincerity or earnestness and not felt squeamish? Go tell a friend you find them sassy and see what happens. Or, just take my advice and realize that if you tell a friend you find them sassy they're going to think you want to insert a finger in their bum. No one wants an unplanned seat on the train to Knuckle Junction. Not really. Probably. Not at work, anyway. Not during the busy time at work.

To the best of my knowledge, sassy is another way of calling someone arrogant, but it seems to refer to a less malevolent sort of arrogance. Well, obviously less, because if you were malevolently sassy, someone would just punch your dick and leave you by the side of the road. That goes for men or women. So sass is a bit of airy-fairy arrogance, maybe even a cute kind of arrogance, and as such it can go fuck a sack of doorknobs, because this world has too many problems ranging from climate change to spontaneous lycanthropy to have to deal with adorable arrogance.

Better Term to Use: Dick (as in, "You're a dick")

#7. Romper

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This word. Man, I just don't know. Technically, a romper is a one-piece outfit and/or, if you're a little British, it's a person who romps -- a romp being some manner of energetic playing. Now, you may think this is a word no one ever uses anyway, but I ran afoul of it no less than thrice in the last week, and it's blown my mind each and every time. I feel like you're invoking some sort of Victorian-era baby fashion with this word. Like the prince's baby over in England should be wearing gold rompers. Or beggar children who need to bring home a bucket of fish heads each night lest their father lock them in the woodshed, they wear rompers. The rest of us? Slacks and pants should do fine.

Better Term to Use: Body sack

#6. Tummy

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This word should be the exclusive domain of toddlers if it's to be used at all. And even then, stop abusing your child with dipshit words and just teach them language in the proper manner. Stomach is a damn fine and proper word. Tummy is cutesy weirdness that, when spoken aloud by an adult, is cause for skin crawling. Have you heard a grown human complain of a tummy ache before? It's like watching the town oaf hug a sheep until it quits breathing. Terrifying, yet you feel powerless and a little afraid to draw attention to it.

My Googling tells me the word is an infantile version of stomach, so basically what I just said. You had a baby and maybe it drank some Windex and spun around a bunch of times and tried to say stomach, but tummy was the best it could do. This is not admirable in any way. Try not to repeat the mistake of your chemically fallible baby.

Better Term to Use: Steaming innards

#5. Baby Bump

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This linguistic abortion is the proprietary brain shart of entertainment news journalism, something that isn't even something. This is intellectual antimatter. Every time some E! flappy potato utters this dismal phrase, an actual news story dies and history simply eats it, sheds a tear for humanity's loss of practical knowledge, and then plugs its ears before we get to the story about which Kardashian is releasing a new line of bee pollen and weasel bile perfume.

When you find yourself at a loss for an expression to denote that a woman is pregnant, why not just say that? Baby Bump sounds for all the world like the injury you might receive from a delicate hammer, or what happened to the heads of those same E! pseudo-journalists each and every of the many times their parents dropped them during their formative years.

Better Term to Use: The Unsleeping City Beneath

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Felix Clay

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