Step 1: Get Yourself An Ape
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__To begin, first find places in your community where apes are likely to hang out, such as zoos, Africa, or 1930's traveling circuses. When approaching one of these organizations, remember that their leaders are unlikely to just give an ape to just anyone. Make sure to dress like a person mentally and physically capable of controlling an ape. When I was doing this, I wore eyeglasses, a bowler hat and a shirt two sizes too small, sort of like what I imagine a genius muscleman might wear. __new_line____new_line__If you're in a pinch and can't find an ape in your community, go for a monkey instead -- they're more compact and much more easily obtainable. Although I definitely recall reading somewhere that there is a difference between an ape and a monkey, it'd be a pretty jaded son of a bitch to not be impressed if he came across you having a conversation with a hyper-intelligent monkey. This is what I ultimately ended up having to do: On Craigslist I found a 4-year-old male howler monkey. __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line__I named him Hannah Montana.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
Step 2: Setting Up Ape School.
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The next step is to set up your training habitat, which I'm going to assume is in your home somewhere. You really should do this before you get the ape, but if you forgot like I did, remember that some IKEA stores have a ball pen which will entertain an ape or monkey for hours. Failing that, a couple volleyballs and the trunk of your car will also serve as a suitable holding pen.__new_line____new_line__Your first instinct will be to decorate your home like the ape's natural habitat: littered with bananas, vines, jungle music, etc. ... But that's actually the exact wrong thing to do; you want to encourage your charge to fit in with human society. Instead, decorate your home like a school. Coat pegs, alphabet posters, tiny little urinals, etc. ... If you need ideas, try hanging around an elementary school taking notes. This kind of first-hand research is invaluable, even if you do get some funny looks, or your name on a few funny watchlists. __new_line____new_line__I went a unique way setting up my in-home schoolhouse because of a bunch of materials I had on hand due to a sex thing I have: I set up my apartment to look like an whimsical old boarding school, a kind of Hogwarts for apes. __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line__A sexy Hogwarts for naughty apes.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__