In 2008 Lady Gaga gave the world the gift of a song where she refers to her vagina as a Christmas tree, suggesting that she has a serious misunderstanding of how at least one of those works. Between that and other recent tracks, like Nate Dogg rapping about getting holiday head and the beloved family classic "Father Christmas Fucked My Pussy," it's easy to assume that modern perverts have ruined a once-innocent holiday with sexualized music.
But Christmas carols riddled with double entendre have actually been around for decades. Most of them faded into obscurity because no one wants to hear odes to getting laid while decorating the tree with grandma, but today I'm here to tell you about the tracks she used to seduce grandpa right in the dick all those many Christmases ago.
#8. Jimmy Butler Wants to "Trim Your Tree," and by "Tree" He Means "Vagina" (and by "Trim," He Means "Have Sex With")
1954 was a different time. Civil Rights were just a quaint idea, communists were gearing up to steal everyone's precious bodily fluids, and you couldn't go on the radio and tell a girl you wanted to give her the Christmas gift of your dick without getting slapped with some sort of fine. But one man -- nay, one hero -- named Jimmy Butler found a way around that.
It starts innocently enough. Maybe "Baby, I wanna trim your beautiful Christmas tree" is meant literally, even though Butler does sound like he's singing while trying to hide his erection. He starts begging for the honors and says that his "work is pleasing," but maybe he's just a real go-getter. Then he declares that he's going to "bring along my hatchet, my beautiful Christmas balls," and everyone listening says in unison, "Ooh, he's talking about his junk." Just to make it perfectly clear, he voices his intention to "sprinkle his snow on your tree," but only with the goal to "make you cheery," because he is generous and sensitive when it comes to Christmas bukkake.
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He once gave a tree a beautiful pearl necklace.
Butler then insists that he's way better at trimming trees than that other guy who wants to trim your tree, and while he's not one to spread rumors, he couldn't help but overhear that this other schlub gets way too excited and quickly throws all of his tinsel on one branch without even paying attention to what would make the tree look good. In fact, Butler claims to be the best tree-trimmer in the world, a title all men aspire to. So go on, let Butler trim your tree. What's the worst someone who refers to his penis as a sharp object could do?
#7. Santa Claus Got Stuck in Ella Fitzgerald's Chimney, and "Chimney" Is a Euphemism
It's a 1950s euphemism for vagina, you guys. Listen to Ella Fitzgerald cooing away and tell me I'm wrong. "Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney when he came last year," she sings, and stop giggling; we're just getting started. "There he was in the middle of the chimney, roly-poly, fat, and round," and you're picturing Santa's boner now, aren't you? You can admit it, it's OK. This is a judgment-free zone. I bet it looks like a throbbing candy cane.
Then we learn Santa was "not quite up and not quite down," which leads you to wonder what sort of bizarre portal to an alternate dimension that Fitzgerald called her vagina would cause a half-erect Santa to get stuck in it.
What were you hiding?
She wishes Santa would come back this year, although the filthiness falls apart (or gets cranked up to 11, depending on how you look at it) with the line "Daddy made a brand new chimney for you this year." I understand that the trappings of Christmas don't give you a lot of options in the entendre department, but if a guy wanted to have sex with something filthy and reeking of smoke he'd just fuck Lindsay Lohan.
#6. Clarence Carter Wants to Give the Gift of Anal Sex
"They call me Back Door Santa," this 1968 track begins, and it only gets less subtle from there. Clarence Carter claims he "makes all the little girls happy while the boys are out to play," which is his soulful way of telling the men who are listening that he sneaks into their homes and sodomizes their significant others while they're out bowling or whatever. Always be vigilant, men, because this isn't just a seasonal threat -- Carter ain't like old Saint Nick -- he don't come but once a year. If I've parsed the double negatives correctly, we learn that Carter has a 365-day advent calendar and behind every flap is a travel jar of Vaseline.
Have you ever made love just before breakfast to a deranged Santa impersonator?
He then goes on to explain that he always keeps change in his pocket to give to kids "so we can be alone," and this is one dubious consent away from being the world's first Christmas carol-themed sex offender instructional guide. "I make my runs about the break of day," Carter tells us with the same words mail carriers use to describe their jobs, because he commits adultery in the same bulk numbers that some of us buy frozen waffles. Shit, is there a sequel where he laments having to buy gifts for dozens of bastard children?
#5. Sonny Boy Williamson Knows Where to Look for His Christmas Gift
Were you ever caught looking in your parents' dresser for presents as a kid? 1960's "Santa Claus" is an ode to that naughty childhood activity, except Sonny Boy Williamson is a grown-ass man with a very different gift in mind.
Williamson is so bluesy he pronounces Santa Claus as "Santy Claw," and you get the desire to go out and chain-smoke an entire pack of cigarettes hearing him say it. His girl goes Christmas shopping and hides her present for Williamson in her dresser drawers, and he decides to look for it because he has the patience of a 6-year-old. But when he pulls out her bottom dresser drawer, their landlord calls the cops on him, and I'm honestly not sure if that's a euphemism or just one more thing a black man could get in trouble for in 1960.
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And in 2014.
The police want to know "whatcha doing with your hand in that woman's dresser drawers," even though it's really none of their business whose hand goes into what wardrobe drawer in a private bedroom. Undeterred, Williamson hits the streets and starts pulling out all the ladies' dresser drawers, perhaps reasoning that his baby hid her present with a friend. But wait, what are their dressers doing out on the street? This isn't adding up. It's almost like "drawers" has two meanings and, oh shit, this is a Christmas carol about a serial molester/underwear thief. Merry Christmas, Williamson, you pervert.
His suit is made entirely from recycled panties.