In 2008 Lady Gaga gave the world the gift of a song where she refers to her vagina as a Christmas tree, suggesting that she has a serious misunderstanding of how at least one of those works. Between that and other recent tracks, like Nate Dogg rapping about getting holiday head and the beloved family classic "Father Christmas Fucked My Pussy," it's easy to assume that modern perverts have ruined a once-innocent holiday with sexualized music.
But Christmas carols riddled with double entendre have actually been around for decades. Most of them faded into obscurity because no one wants to hear odes to getting laid while decorating the tree with grandma, but today I'm here to tell you about the tracks she used to seduce grandpa right in the dick all those many Christmases ago.
8Jimmy Butler Wants to "Trim Your Tree," and by "Tree" He Means "Vagina" (and by "Trim," He Means "Have Sex With")
1954 was a different time. Civil Rights were just a quaint idea, communists were gearing up to steal everyone's precious bodily fluids, and you couldn't go on the radio and tell a girl you wanted to give her the Christmas gift of your dick without getting slapped with some sort of fine. But one man -- nay, one hero -- named Jimmy Butler found a way around that.
It starts innocently enough. Maybe "Baby, I wanna trim your beautiful Christmas tree" is meant literally, even though Butler does sound like he's singing while trying to hide his erection. He starts begging for the honors and says that his "work is pleasing," but maybe he's just a real go-getter. Then he declares that he's going to "bring along my hatchet, my beautiful Christmas balls," and everyone listening says in unison, "Ooh, he's talking about his junk." Just to make it perfectly clear, he voices his intention to "sprinkle his snow on your tree," but only with the goal to "make you cheery," because he is generous and sensitive when it comes to Christmas bukkake.
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He once gave a tree a beautiful pearl necklace.
Butler then insists that he's way better at trimming trees than that other guy who wants to trim your tree, and while he's not one to spread rumors, he couldn't help but overhear that this other schlub gets way too excited and quickly throws all of his tinsel on one branch without even paying attention to what would make the tree look good. In fact, Butler claims to be the best tree-trimmer in the world, a title all men aspire to. So go on, let Butler trim your tree. What's the worst someone who refers to his penis as a sharp object could do?
7Santa Claus Got Stuck in Ella Fitzgerald's Chimney, and "Chimney" Is a Euphemism
It's a 1950s euphemism for vagina, you guys. Listen to Ella Fitzgerald cooing away and tell me I'm wrong. "Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney when he came last year," she sings, and stop giggling; we're just getting started. "There he was in the middle of the chimney, roly-poly, fat, and round," and you're picturing Santa's boner now, aren't you? You can admit it, it's OK. This is a judgment-free zone. I bet it looks like a throbbing candy cane.
Then we learn Santa was "not quite up and not quite down," which leads you to wonder what sort of bizarre portal to an alternate dimension that Fitzgerald called her vagina would cause a half-erect Santa to get stuck in it.
What were you hiding?
She wishes Santa would come back this year, although the filthiness falls apart (or gets cranked up to 11, depending on how you look at it) with the line "Daddy made a brand new chimney for you this year." I understand that the trappings of Christmas don't give you a lot of options in the entendre department, but if a guy wanted to have sex with something filthy and reeking of smoke he'd just fuck Lindsay Lohan.