8 Questions Every WoW Fan Apparently Needs Answered
Blizzcon 2010 let gamers try Diablo III and World of Warcraft: Cataclysm, giving them a sneak preview of the cause of their next failed relationships. Tenacious D performed with Dave Grohl, hot girls costumed and professional Starcraft players baffled the non-Koreans with the fact that they exist. However, the real entertainment was at the Q&A sessions.
Let me explain what a Q&A session is: nerds huddle in a line, forming Swine Flunor, waiting to ask one question to the game developers. Now, some of the worst qualities of nerds are entitlement, lack of social skills and narcissism. I left out beard termites because I didn't want to frighten you -- beard termites jump in your mouth when you scream. My point is, this whole event is crazy because these aren't even ordinary nerds. They're outer fringe supernerds. If you give them a microphone and a license to talk about paladins, it's as damn crazy as you'd expect. But as I watched the chaos unfold, a pattern emerged. I realized when I translated their questions from Warcraft into English that they were all asking minor variations on the same eight questions. Here they are:
#8.
Nerd rage is an impotent, cushion punching thing, and there are rare people who behave in person exactly how they behave in Warcraft -- barking clumsy insults, standing in something that's killing them and blaming Blizzard for everything. You see, for every minor change the developers make to a gameplay mechanic, there's a guy sitting at home who knows they did it to destroy him. BlizzCon is their chance for payback. They ask fussy, nitpicky questions as if they're issuing a mortal challenge. As you can imagine, it's as crowd-pleasing as leaping off your prayer mat and calling Allah a pussy. What's exciting for everybody is that there's a solid chance these people will have to be forcibly dragged from the microphone by security. And when you're arrested for disagreements over Warcraft, that has got to be Christmas for the other inmates.
Inmate #2014410: "What are you here for, fat boy?"
Cloudwhisper of Darrowmere: "I'll have you know that I! Am a political prisoner! Blizzard keeps nerfing hunters and I! Had the guts to stand up and say no more! No one wanted to listen, but I! Wouldn't be silenced!"
Inmate #2014410: "Wow. Well I have to say that takes a load off my mind. A lot of guys can be deceptively dangerous when you start raping them.
... so ...
you ready to go then?"
Cloudwhisper of Darrowmere: "/sigh."
#7.
Some nerds create a bubble of intellectual superiority by removing everything that isn't them from their sphere of influence. It's easy to be a genius when you've convinced yourself that everyone else is an idiot, including the people that make your favorite video game. After years of community scrutiny and employees dedicated to fine-tuning every little number, more math goes into punching fake monsters in Warcraft than went in to fake landing on the Moon.
Despite this, or maybe because of this, there are still nerds who are certain they've uncovered the Da Vinci Code of logic errors when they find a mistake, even if that "mistake" is a subjective disagreement. These are the kind of nerds that make you sympathize with high school bullies. When they die alone, they go to a hell where their mouth is taped shut for eternity next to people who keep saying that Carl Weathers was in Star Wars.
#6.
Despite the fact that I have email folders named "Murder Threats (Hilarious)" and "Murder Threats (Gulp)," I don't think all nerds are bitter, angry people. A lot of them truly love the magical land they live in and came here only to prematurely ejaculate in front of its gods. Since they know better than to just blurt that they named their cat after them and run -- they ask strange, forced questions to which they already know the answers. Now I know what my date goes through when I pretend to be interested in her haircut so I can undo her bra.
"Um yes, I notice the Death Knight rotation is now perfect. So my question is: Are you ready to move in with me? I've already programmed your thumbprints into our home's biometric locks and this tube of lubricant won't expire for, let me see ... negative 17 days!? Crap!"
#5.
During the BlizzCon dance contest, this guy got on stage and gently hopped so hard that he shattered his own leg. His brittle bones shouldn't have come as a surprise to anyone. Without physical activity, the only way a human body can digest a Hot Pocket is by shedding layers of its own skeleton to battle it. Bones aren't the only thing that atrophy when you're in the World of Warcraft, though. You also lose your communication skills. For a lot of players, their only social interaction comes when they tell someone they spelled hommo wrong. Their brains have forgotten what's appropriate, and their mouths have forgotten how to talk. So their questions end up things like, "How do you physically disable your boners? They always happen when I'm afk plus my guild leader says I won't need them during the next arena season."
"I've heard more appropriate questions from c**k ring salesmen on Father's Day."
ReplyWhaaaa...??? O_O
How often do c**k ring salesmen come to your door, anyway?
I've never played WoW (and God knows I've been close, but I already have so many hobbies that WoW would kill any trace of social life I have), but I have plenty of friends who do. And well... like in every aspect of life, there's everything. Casual players, hardcore players who still can balance their life, and the headcases who simply have lost the ability to have a meaningful conversation that isn't about the game. Of course, the last group is the minority, but it's also by far the loudest.
ReplyThis. It happens with EVERY game, just the minority with WoW happen to be louder than any other.
Dear God, this sounds like a group of people I hung out with for about a month. They would meet at a coffee house on Monday nights, and talk about nothing except WoW. And indeed, they were loud and obnoxious. I stopped attending this gathering pretty quick.
but the real question here is: Why the f**k were you buing c**k rings for Father's day?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesc**k rings go on cocks. The father is the parent gifted with that particular reproductive organ. It is expected of you to give gifts on Father's Day. It's not exactly rocket science.
Father's have cocks? Wow! My whole has just been changed!
Lol, Nathan. A revelation about cocks and a change to your hole. Very good.
Should have known something's going to go wrong when I read the words "BlizzCon dance contest".
ReplyLol at all the people hating on WoW players. I gave the game up a year back, but I had some great times while playing. non-players that think they are way better than people that do play it are such morons. If you ever actually spent any time on the game you would realise at least half the people that play it are just regular, socially capable people. They think you are the weirdos for building this ridiculous urban legend around the status of 'WoW player'. I played WoW seriously for about 3 years, and at the same time had a great social life at college and had regular sex with my girlfriend, who happened to be an amateur model from barbados. And I know a lot of my WoW-mates were in similar positions.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesThis comment is aimed at the people hating on WoW players in the comment section, not at Seanbaby. The article itself is seriously hilarious, but then thats just standard Seanbaby.
I was going to mock you, but based on your pattern of self identification, I think it's pretty clear that your hands are registered with the FBI as lethal weapons, so, please don't hurt me.
I to had a life whilst playing WOW.. and a GF and a job. And I often went OUTSIDE. The myth around WOW players is unfounded.
lvl85 fury Warrior.
Your other WoW mates were in similar positions regarding having sex with your girlfriend who happened to be an amateur model from barbados? Far out man. Far out.
I hate to tell you dude but I was shtupping your girlfriend while you were playing WoW. Yes, despite what she told you she was cheating on you. When she told you it was all her, it wasn't. The reason you got dumped was all you, and she left you for me.
As for any of your friends. Yeah, their girlfriends dumped them for me too.
In fact, that blind date you had last night? She's not still in the bathroom, she left right after your mouth formed the words "World of Warcraft". So you might want to think about leaving the restaurant, or Starbuck's, or where-ever you are and going home now.
Non-players didn't invent the image of a "WoW player," wow players did. I played casually on and off before life got in the way, and I could not STAND some uber-freak wanting to talk WoW non stop, and nothing else. Hardcore WoW players are socially bereft troglodytes, plain and simple.
Yeah. That's the thing, these "ridiculous urban legends around the status of 'WoW player[s]' is actually founded on truth. There is the occasional, to be blunt, fucked up person that this stereotype applies to.
However, if one assumes that a person who plays WoW (or some other mmorpg) falls under this category, you are sadly mistaken. If for no other reason then that the people who let WoW get seriously in the way of bowel movements are usually still in their basement.
I don't know what's funnier: Being a WoW player and reading this, or reading comments of the WoW haters that laugh as they scratch the grease stain from their ass.
ReplyI'll have you know that I don't have grease on my ass because I don't have an ass!
I can always count on WoW players to make me feel better by comparison after a tough day
ReplyHa! That's so true. They're the like the IHOP of gaming communities.
You can tell what a dumb b***h the girl in #1 is by the way she holds her hand. No one has ever positioned their hand that way without being a clueless whore hyped up and pissy about a topic they know almost nothing about. I'd bet genuine money that she said 'And -I- don't really think that [blahblahblah]' while twitching her head to the left at least 5 times.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies^ suffers from obesity, became obese while playing WoW.
dude, its a joke, she didn't really ask that, yes her hand and face are in the "no effin clue" positions, but to flame someone for something they haven't done is.... what an obese man would do.
ps, HI MY NAMES RENROCK FROM DARROWFAIL, AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD GURRGLE MY BALLS!
Actually, I thought the same thing. She definitely has her b***h hand on.
OH NO SHE DIDN'T
You're only allowed to ask me that Renrock if you're willing to gargle my balls too. It's a two way street you know.
The scariest thing of all is that the people who come to these shows and ask the questions ARE THE SOCIAL ONES. Imagine the ones that are so bad they wont leave their house even for these things. My guess is theyve basically turned into a gelatenous mass with one really strong gaming/masturbation arm protruding from it.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesGelatinous cube sir, gelatinous cube with a gaming/masturbation arm.
And the Non-american, those who cannot pay the plane-ticket to get to the country, then bribe the customs officer to let him in, THEN buy the ticket in the black market to enter the Con.
f**k that shit, i'm not going to France.
"a gelatinous mass with one really strong gaming/masturbation arm protruding from it"
Am I the only one who was reminded of the ending of I Have No Mouth & I Must Scream?
Am I the only one who was reminded of the ending of I Have No Mouth & I Must Scream by Dizzy Midget's last sentence?
@Six-Shooter
Actually, it reminds me of the part in the book "Parasite Eve" where the cells grow into a mass and get a hand and start masturbating.
No, the truly frightening ones are those who send a small R/C tank with a stick sticking out the top in their stead.
OH MY GOD!!! Im friends with that guy at the end of the "hottest girls" video that links after the two you linked. we worked together at a pizza place for 2 yeas while i was in highschool.
ReplyYes, but did you shtup his girlfriend? Because I did.
Why are all the women fit and naked? The fitness comes from running a few hundred miles a day and killing fifty zombies, demons, and murlocs just to go grocery shopping. You'd be ripped too if the only way to get those new shoes you wanted was to beat a dragon to death and loot them off it's corpse.
ReplyThe naked comes from fanservice.
We'd certainly like to get something like that implemented in a future build.
Lol I don't really get why it's such a bad thing if someone asks a politically themed question. If you can have same sex couples in the Sims, why not in every other game? Straight Couples are boring, numero uno, and 2, at least those are legit questions rather than asking some convoluted nonsensical crap question about Hot Pockets.
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesPlus, I don't think it's about anyone expecting Game makers to cure the world of every effing problem in the world but believing that people of diverse backgrounds deserve to be represented, and yeah even in a game with elves and ogres.
If all games were like the Sims, then the question has relevance. However, since games like the Sims are a small portion of the game industry and in-game marriage of any kind is pointless except for advancing the plot, who gives a flying f**k.
Sims is hardly a game to begin with. Here are three very good reasons why political themed questions have no place in WoW:
1) It's a FANTASY world with it's own rules, history and background, obviously it's DIFFERENT from out world!
2) It's a GAME and you play it to get a BREAK from the usual reality. So, if you try to mimick every single detail of reality into the game, you somewhat defeat the purpose of the game.
3) All this s**t has to be programmed. And you can do only so much in a given amount of time, so you have to set priorities. It's already a stretch that there is a function in the game that allows your virtual avatar to marry other virtual avatars (it serves no real purpose in a game world) but going into detail too much and talking about the question of gay marriage should be implemented is just way too trivial.
The reason why "it's such a bad thing if someone asks a politically themed question" is because it has nothing to do with the game. "Why isn't there same-sex marriage in the game?" Because we're too busy with more important things like demonic legions, undead hordes, and killing each other.
I'm fairly certain that if in the real world we were scrambling to save our species/culture/planet from total annihilation every week, things like stem cell research and same-sex marriage would become rather low priority.
Really? talking about equality in WoW? jesus you must have a sad life if it involves sticking up for virtual character rights. If you dont understand why they dont have gay rights in WoW its because its f**kING STUPID , they are not going to pay their programmers to design something that f**kING STUPID, Virtual characters are not real so whether they marry someone with the same virtual parts or not is f**kING STUPID and th.....well i think you get the point, its f**king stupid,dont tell me its just your opinion or some bulls**t either because its f**king stupid.
"I don't really get why it's such a bad thing if someone asks a politically themed question."
How about because it's a f**king video game?
And not one's soapbox to jump up and down and make a f*ggot of one's self on?
Yes I agree with all of the above. When I'm playing sonic the hedgehog I'm mostly concerned with collecting rings and chaos emeralds so I can go super sonic (which is awesome), and killing evil robots and aliens. It's never bothered me that I don't have the option to ask Shadow out on a date rather than Amy. Only a sad person desperately in need of a cause to champion would think of such a thing.
If you want something like real life, go sit in a park. Pay an electric bill. Take a s**t and run out of toilet paper. Anything.
Actually, it wouldn't be equality anyway. No, there's no "gay marriage" in WoW. There's also no straight marriage in WoW. You don't need a house, you don't use the restroom, you only eat when you need a stat boost or need to heal quickly. *Lots* of things don't happen in that game, because *it's a fantasy game about killing monsters and your political opponents.*
Mind you, it's a FUN fantasy game about killing monsters and your political opponents....
When I hear the rabid defense of anything WOW I can only imagine a large blob of masturbation, sweat, and gaming. It wouldn't be like real life, nobody is asking for WOW to be real.
Don't give us that "it would be too much work" shit, it would just be a slight adjustment to a feature that, as it was already stated, isn't a big part of the game. Why would it be so horrible if a bunch of retards were able to get married to other dudes with girl avatars?
Because WOW doesn't do it yet. If they did, you would be rabidly defending the idea from anyone that suggests it is a bad one, since they don't you are rabidly defending the notion that it is a bad idea.
The fact that you consider Sims a game pretty much meant you were wrong from the get-go.
Where is infamous red shirt guy?
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIf what you mentioned above about someone asking a game developer about whether or not the character he writes about is alive or dead then thats red shirt guy.
And you don't have his correct picture up here, just some random asshat and you don't even have the story down correctly.
You could have even gotten the legit information from knowyourmeme, how hard could that possibly be?
When I see mistakes in these articles it makes me wonder how many more mistakes there are throughout.
Oh btw, the kid that totally threw blizzard off has Asperger syndrome and blizzard actually immortalize him in the game for what he did.
Wow, he doesn't have that story down correctly? Really? I can hear you mouth-breathing from here.
Honestly. You are mentally retarded. Click the link in that story. HE IS TALKING ABOUT THE RED SHIRT GUY! And incidentally, he probably should be dead by now from a borg-rock-monster. I mean red shirt! amiright?
We'd certainly like to get something like that implemented in a future build.
LOL just because your not talking about WoW doesnt mean your not being a powernerd by writing what you just did.
Hah, EsherRavenFires red shirt remark made me lol. If not the borg or a rock-monster, it may have been a lizard person or an evil brain (it's a big universe after all). And as for BellaAutumn, you may be shocked to discover that sometimes comedians are not particularly anal about the tiny details of a good story when they're making people laugh.
This made me laugh so hard I had an asthma attack and accidentally logged off of WoW: "I've heard more appropriate questions from c**k ring salesmen on Father's Day."
Replywhich brings up a very good question: why don't female moonkin have tits?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWe'd certainly like to get something like that implemented in a future build.
LOL u two made my day
We hide them under our fluff. Silly.
Gwynevere, druid on the eredar server.
ReplyMAGNETS, man! How do they work?
problem Blizzard?
I'd totally bang most the guys that work for Blizzard. Most, anyway.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesGood article, though... Makes it funnier when you do play WoW, but not so seriously and you know of these nerds they speak of who take the game WAY too seriously. Lol...
You'd bang most of the guys that work for Blizzard? Why? Do you have low standards or will you screw anything that passes for human?
If their from blizzard they must be COOL.
See what I did there? with the pun? yeah....just savour it.
Dizzymidget, you need to be very ashamed of what you just did.
I would totally exterminate every female on the planet just because I have to listen to stupid s**t like that all day.
Yes I am aware of the effect this would have on the human race, I really don't care.
Chick in the picture in #1 isn't bad looking.
ReplySeanbaby: I've been having a rough time lately, and reading this article gave me my firt genuine laugh in a while. Thank you. Keep on with the funny man, you rock.
ReplyI've never played WOW, because I used to think that it was a barren wasteland of pizza-fueled nerds. Now I'm sure of that, and I'm never gonna touch this game, ever.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesBy the way, is it just me, or all the nerds in these photos are perfect stereotypes - fat, beardy, with nerdy faces? And, in this case, is this even considered a stereotype anymore?
Just like to point out that they used stereotypes because they are stereotypes. I am a 13 year old girl and fairly skinny and I play and love it. A lot of people are rude and nerdy on it but not everyone. It's actually pretty fun xD. So wait before you hate.
Somebody who believes stereotypes because he doesn't know anything about it? Stop the motherf**king presses! That is front page s**t right there!
Thats a lie bobbleheadhydra, their are no girls on the internet, you are most likely an FBI agent. Is it illegal to blow your cover like that?
Welcome to the Internet, where the men are real men, the women are really men, and the 14-year-old girls are Chris Hansen.
Yeah seriously? "I am a 13 year old girl" if you aren't an FBI agent or Chris hansen, what the f**k is wrong with you? This is why kids don't belong on the internet.
I don't think a 13 year old girl should be playing WoW or reading cracked.