Sex is fun. Diseases and unwanted pregnancies aren't. Condoms have allowed more rubberized fun than bouncy castles, and the two can be combined for even more fun. But just like my grandma used to tell me, "Given enough time, all awesome dick-related inventions will be nut-slapped by inventors who don't know what the fuck they're doing." For instance ...
8The Condom With A Hole In It
Someone designed a condom with a hole in it for people who want to get pregnant. That's a stupidly old idea even as a joke, never mind as a real invention.
Assuming a perfectly cylindrical penis, as only robots could manipulate those tiny connections during sex.
Look at that schematic for disaster. Part 34 is a string you pull to release reinforcing ring 122 just before ejaculation. Imagine groping between all those legs trying to pull a string like you're opening a parachute ten feet from impact. And let's not overlook the phrase "reinforcing ring." No matter how I picture that, it sounds painful. I mean, by definition it would be made of a hard material, right? You're counting on it not to tear or trigger under all the slippy stresses of sex until they pull it for the world's worst party popper. I keep imagining that ring punching into the end of a dick and all over the other person's insides, and I can't stop making the "OH DEAR GOD NO" face.
Those things never even work in your hand
Why would you use this? According to the designer:
The condom may be used by couples wishing to conceive a child but who want to reduce the risk that a disease or virus, etc. will be passed from one person to the other ... A cord attached to the cover can be pulled to remove the cover from the distal hole immediately before ejaculation.
That's the most terrifyingly impossible biology outside of an Alien movie. I'm surprised they didn't design a Stork Mesh -- a fence with holes large enough to allow infants but too small for storks -- to protect expectant parents from bird flu. If there's enough fluid exchange for conception, there's way more than enough for infection. This just guarantees that even catching the disease is awkward and painful.
7Ballpoint Pen, Hidden Condom
This is the worst nerdy sex fantasy I've ever seen, and I spent my entire teenage life exclusively generating them. It's an attempt to extend the pocket protectors' domain to your genitals with a ballpoint pen which hides two condoms. Just in case your most recent mathematics demonstration subtracted the underwear from your audience, and now they want to add your inputs.
A pen for your P-nis and Q.
It's tragic optimism writ and writing large, and it's also the world's worst pen. Look at the inkwell in part 29. You could hold more ink in an actual penis. You'd have to be getting laid twice per signature to use this before it ran out. And the schematic looks fine from the side, but remember that pens are cylinders. How are they scrunching up the condoms to fit? You'd need tweezers and a degree in origami to unpick and unwrap them. Which is going to take far more time than what you save snapping open a pen instead of reaching for a wallet, purse, pocket, drawer, or literally any other item capable of storing objects.
To say nothing of when the pen inevitably leaks and your bed sheets become the first Rorschach test to objectively look like genitals.