8 Patents That Prove Inventors Don't Understand Condoms

Sex is fun. Diseases and unwanted pregnancies aren't. Condoms have allowed more rubberized fun than bouncy castles, and the two can be combined for even more fun. But just like my grandma used to tell me, "Given enough time, all awesome dick-related inventions will be nut-slapped by inventors who don't know what the fuck they're doing." For instance ...

#8. The Condom With A Hole In It

Someone designed a condom with a hole in it for people who want to get pregnant. That's a stupidly old idea even as a joke, never mind as a real invention.

Patent US5640973A
Assuming a perfectly cylindrical penis, as only robots could manipulate those tiny connections during sex.

Look at that schematic for disaster. Part 34 is a string you pull to release reinforcing ring 122 just before ejaculation. Imagine groping between all those legs trying to pull a string like you're opening a parachute ten feet from impact. And let's not overlook the phrase "reinforcing ring." No matter how I picture that, it sounds painful. I mean, by definition it would be made of a hard material, right? You're counting on it not to tear or trigger under all the slippy stresses of sex until they pull it for the world's worst party popper. I keep imagining that ring punching into the end of a dick and all over the other person's insides, and I can't stop making the "OH DEAR GOD NO" face.

hartphotography1/iStock/Getty Images
Those things never even work in your hand

Why would you use this? According to the designer:

The condom may be used by couples wishing to conceive a child but who want to reduce the risk that a disease or virus, etc. will be passed from one person to the other ... A cord attached to the cover can be pulled to remove the cover from the distal hole immediately before ejaculation.

That's the most terrifyingly impossible biology outside of an Alien movie. I'm surprised they didn't design a Stork Mesh -- a fence with holes large enough to allow infants but too small for storks -- to protect expectant parents from bird flu. If there's enough fluid exchange for conception, there's way more than enough for infection. This just guarantees that even catching the disease is awkward and painful.

#7. Ballpoint Pen, Hidden Condom

Patent US5007756A

This is the worst nerdy sex fantasy I've ever seen, and I spent my entire teenage life exclusively generating them. It's an attempt to extend the pocket protectors' domain to your genitals with a ballpoint pen which hides two condoms. Just in case your most recent mathematics demonstration subtracted the underwear from your audience, and now they want to add your inputs.

Patent US5007756A
A pen for your P-nis and Q.

It's tragic optimism writ and writing large, and it's also the world's worst pen. Look at the inkwell in part 29. You could hold more ink in an actual penis. You'd have to be getting laid twice per signature to use this before it ran out. And the schematic looks fine from the side, but remember that pens are cylinders. How are they scrunching up the condoms to fit? You'd need tweezers and a degree in origami to unpick and unwrap them. Which is going to take far more time than what you save snapping open a pen instead of reaching for a wallet, purse, pocket, drawer, or literally any other item capable of storing objects.

To say nothing of when the pen inevitably leaks and your bed sheets become the first Rorschach test to objectively look like genitals.

#6. The Condom Applicator Cross

The difficulty of putting on condoms is the airline food of sexual humor. But let's be real here: Condoms simply aren't that hard to put on after a little practice. And even if they are, this impossibly stupid fucking cross thing isn't going to help.

Patent US4872463A
We can't tell if it's more sacrilegious or stupid

They claim that you can save hassle with this simple four-point procedure for preparing the pre-insertion portion of the condom application phase:

In the preferred embodiment, the pocket at the tip of the condom from which air is forced out as by twisting is held in a slit cut in the center of a rectangular strip applied on the condom from one side of its base along the length to the tip and then back along to the other side of the base, and which is provided with pull tabs extended laterally from the center of said strip where the slit is out.

NASA's pre-launch procedures aren't so needlessly complicated. And are demonstrably hotter.

Minerva Studio/iStock/Getty Images
"We are at T minus 10 for condom deployment."

This isn't a helpful tool; it's an ironic punishment designed by asexual puritans. If you find it hard to put a condom on a cock, you're going to find it impossible to feed the tip of lubricated latex through a tiny slit in a rigid crucifix. This is the less sexy version of forcing a camel through the eye of a needle, with even more disturbing implications.

#5. The Motorized Self-Destructing Condom

>Patent US20040133070A1

Vibration is all kinds of fun. Adding motorized toys is the ultimate cyborg future -- using our mechanical advances to enjoy our biological components. Science-fiction movies waste time with bullshit about losing your humanity when you're super strong or bulletproof, but make no mistake: As long as your elite polyalloy battle frame can still come, you'll still be human and you'll still be happy. That's why RoboCop was always frowning, despite succeeding in every mission he ever had.

But these sexual systems have to be extremely well-designed. Otherwise, putting mechanical parts near tender membranes is a recipe for disaster. Or, in the case of this patent, a schematic for disaster.

>Patent US20040133070A1
The Death Star didn't have such a clearly marked flaw.

This patent puts a tiny motor into your condom. The problem is that motors that size don't actually exist at the budget level of "disposable." And if they're not disposable, they're basically disease dipsticks. Besides, if we had motors that small and sensitive, we wouldn't need turbo-charged condoms, because we'd already have antiseptic sex bots to vibrate all over our every need.

No, these will end up with the motors you get in shitty dollar-store toys. Like those friction motors which grind and shoot showers of sparks like a genital firework. At best, this motor's only going to go wrong and rip up the condom. At worst, it'll start snarling up the nearest skin and FHJGHIH. Sorry, I just buckled over clutching my crotch so fast that I headbutted the keyboard.

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Luke McKinney

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