7 Things That Will Never Happen Again Thanks to Technology

Technology is a wonderful thing. Did you know that someone has invented sex toys so advanced that, depending on your idea of a good time, you could literally just lay there like a potato with an insatiable orifice and let a machine do you until you're satisfied and/or rubbed raw? That's incredible, and maybe just a touch melancholic. But for all of our technological advances, from Internet-ready refrigerators to cars that drive themselves no matter how drunk you are, there are some things we lose along the way, generally without even noticing.

#7. "We'll Tell You Why at 11"

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The news is terrible for a massive list of reasons, but this is probably the oldest reason to despise it. And thankfully, it's a defunct reason, even though your shitty local news channel still has the audacity to try it on a fairly regular basis.

If you're watching a local station, every so often you'll hear a precious nugget of newsery like, "Local police say one city park is infested with cannibal sodomites that can't be stopped by mortal weapons. We'll tell you which park tonight, after CSI." This is how, in 1970, the news tricked you into watching it. They teased you with the knowledge that something dreadful was afoot in your hometown, and if you didn't tune in to find out what, odds were that you'd wake up dead the next day. The fact they still try that bullshit today is just a testament to how stupid news directors are.

If you see a commercial that promises news of cannibals in town, you're not waiting until 11 to find out, you're Googling that shit right now and checking to see what everyone on Twitter and Facebook has to say about it. Lance Douche-Resin at 11 can shove his story up his ass if he thinks you're waiting a few hours to learn about it.

#6. Slamming a Phone in Anger

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Our children will never know the satisfaction of telling someone on the phone to shove their head up their own ass until they can see out their own mouth again and/or disappear into themselves like a Star Trek singularity, and then slamming the phone down to hang it up. They can do that first part, but the slamming is out of the question, unless you want some instant regret.

Thanks to the fact that only your grandmother who thinks color TV is a fad has a rotary phone anymore, the rest of us have to end a frustrated call by making an impotent rage face, pulling the phone away from our face, and waiting that brief moment for the screen to show up again so we can angrily mash one finger into the button to hang up. So much rage!

Those of us with slightly older phones may have the satisfaction of pressing an actual button or, for the super ragers, flipping it shut. That'd be intense.

#5. Lying About Calling

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Remember back in the day when you didn't want to talk someone and then you just wouldn't? God, that was satisfying. Like if your mom wanted you to call because it was Christmas and you were all, "Shit, busy day today with this bottle of gin I bought myself," and so you just didn't. And then on the 27th she called you, and you swore you called her but she must have been in the bathroom or something. Fat chance pulling that off ever again.

Thanks to cell phones, call display, call waiting, and voicemail, no one has missed a call in about 15 years. If you call someone, both your phone and their phone has disgusting, ugly evidence of the fact, and will hold onto it indefinitely if you want it to.

The prevalence of cell phones means there's pretty much no time in a person's life when they can't take a call, barring incarceration or a Saw-style torture scenario. You're in the woods? Why not make a call. Driving a truck down a lonely stretch of highway with a hitchhiker who keeps looking at you and licking his fingers? You can still talk to a Comcast service rep. No one will ever believe you again when you say you tried and failed to get ahold of them.

#4. Hearing a Busy Signal

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I'm going to violate the premise of this entry in the opening paragraph, because I'm a contrarian and forever surprising you with my guile and mongoose-like movements. I heard a busy signal recently. Fuck me, right?

The reason I include this despite the fact I'm contradicting it is because I actually didn't know what I was hearing for a solid 5-10 seconds. That doesn't seem long, but in the moment when the phone is producing that sound, and your brow furrows like an ape trying to understand the labels of Netflix categories, it's almost an eternity. Instead of ringing, my phone produced a grating beeping sound in my ear that a distant, reptilian part of my mind recognized, but which my thoughts were unable to sort out at first. Had I accidentally patched into an air raid siren? Was this robot porn? Had I become one with the Matrix? Nope. Busy signal.

The fact that I seriously needed a moment to piece together what was happening is a testament to how ridiculous it is to hear a busy signal in this day and age. I can't recall anymore who I was calling that I ended up hearing such a thing, but I assume it was an Appalachian corner store from 1985. I call them sometimes just to make sure shit is on the up and up.

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Felix Clay

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