Technology is a wonderful thing. Did you know that someone has invented sex toys so advanced that, depending on your idea of a good time, you could literally just lay there like a potato with an insatiable orifice and let a machine do you until you're satisfied and/or rubbed raw? That's incredible, and maybe just a touch melancholic. But for all of our technological advances, from Internet-ready refrigerators to cars that drive themselves no matter how drunk you are, there are some things we lose along the way, generally without even noticing.
7 "We'll Tell You Why at 11"
The news is terrible for a massive list of reasons, but this is probably the oldest reason to despise it. And thankfully, it's a defunct reason, even though your shitty local news channel still has the audacity to try it on a fairly regular basis.
If you're watching a local station, every so often you'll hear a precious nugget of newsery like, "Local police say one city park is infested with cannibal sodomites that can't be stopped by mortal weapons. We'll tell you which park tonight, after CSI." This is how, in 1970, the news tricked you into watching it. They teased you with the knowledge that something dreadful was afoot in your hometown, and if you didn't tune in to find out what, odds were that you'd wake up dead the next day. The fact they still try that bullshit today is just a testament to how stupid news directors are.
If you see a commercial that promises news of cannibals in town, you're not waiting until 11 to find out, you're Googling that shit right now and checking to see what everyone on Twitter and Facebook has to say about it. Lance Douche-Resin at 11 can shove his story up his ass if he thinks you're waiting a few hours to learn about it.
6 Slamming a Phone in Anger
Our children will never know the satisfaction of telling someone on the phone to shove their head up their own ass until they can see out their own mouth again and/or disappear into themselves like a Star Trek singularity, and then slamming the phone down to hang it up. They can do that first part, but the slamming is out of the question, unless you want some instant regret.
Thanks to the fact that only your grandmother who thinks color TV is a fad has a rotary phone anymore, the rest of us have to end a frustrated call by making an impotent rage face, pulling the phone away from our face, and waiting that brief moment for the screen to show up again so we can angrily mash one finger into the button to hang up. So much rage!
Those of us with slightly older phones may have the satisfaction of pressing an actual button or, for the super ragers, flipping it shut. That'd be intense.