Cracked Columnists

7 Steps to Making an Ill-Advised Citizen's Arrest

Crime. You just hate that crime, don't you? Whether it's because your parents were brutally murdered or your television was brutally stolen, you've vowed to do everything you can to stop crime. Not stop it; you want to kick crime's teeth in. Talk is cheap, and you're ready for something concrete, more concrete than "nothing at all," which is what the rest of us are planning on doing. "But what?" you ask, while browsing the aisles of a cape store. "What can one man -- one extraordinarily surly man -- do?" I'll tell you what. You're going to go make some citizen's arrests. And I'm going to tell you how.

#7. Know the Law

The laws around citizen's arrest vary a great deal depending on which country or state you're in, so your first step will be to conduct plenty of research on the laws that apply in your jurisdiction. "Plenty of research? What kind of bullshit advice is that? That's what I came here looking for, you son of a bitch!" I imagine you saying, before attempting to place me under citizen's arrest for Felony Intent to Commit Bullshit. Don't apologize; it shows your arresting heart's in the right place. If you do just want to wing it, here are a few commonalities that most Western legal systems have, which will be useful to know if you don't want your citizen's arrest exploding in your face. First, citizen's arrests are generally only permissible for serious crimes -- felonies or indictable offenses only -- so if you had visions of putting a jaywalker into a figure-four leglock while screaming the theme from The A-Team, that's not gonna fly. There is a wrinkle, though, in that if you observe a crime that is explicitly damaging your property, you do generally have the right to stop and arrest the subject. An Example: To illustrate the techniques necessary for making a citizen's arrest, last week I tried these out in my hometown, Canada City. When conducting this first, boringest step, I first consulted with a Canadian police officer ...

... as well as a a Canadian lawyer ...

... who informed me that I really shouldn't even be considering this, but that I was correct in assuming I could only arrest people who've committed indictable offenses, or who've stolen something from me. Seeing as indictable offenses are things like "rape" and "death-attack" (this is what we call murder in Canada), I decided I didn't want much to do with fighting that kind of criminal. This left the other approach -- to catch a criminal, I'd first wander around town with my wallet dragging behind me on a string, wait for someone to touch it, then citizen's arrest the hell out of him.

#6. Costume Design

Unless this becomes a habit of yours, you probably won't want to go full cape and cowl here. But you'd be surprised at the confidence you feel when you look the part, and if you think you're dressed like a vigilante badass, you actually may become a little more like one.

I am the hero Gotham deserves.

__ An Example: In an attempt to subtly mimic the most famous vigilante of all time, Michael Knight, I gave myself a leather jacket, jeans that were tighter than normal and a perm.

I initially considered rigging up my phone in my car to have a scrolling LED and a voice search feature so I could have conversations with it. That would also give me something to drive around in, looking for crime, and something to slide across the hood of when crime needed to be foiled. But then I remembered that I hated that fucking car. So instead I just played the Knight Rider theme song a few times before I left the house to psych myself up, and then once psyched, carried it around on my phone with me to keep my psych levels high.

#5. Submission Techniques

The Internet is traditionally a place to hate, mock or otherwise rail against police officers, so please bear with me a second here when I don't do that at all, and point out that they are actually highly trained professionals. The kind of skills needed to wrestle a tweaking purse snatcher to the ground without hurting him or yourself are actually kind of hard to learn, and even if you are pretty OK with hurting him, it still isn't easy. For that reason, before making any citizen's arrests, it couldn't hurt to brush up on some basic self-defense techniques, or at the very least look into weighing a lot more. One other point bears mentioning here, and it relates to that -- ha ha -- police brutality joke I alluded to a second ago. You're not going to have the built-in legal protections afforded police officers, which means that when making a citizen's arrest, you're exposing yourself to a huge amount of legal liability. Criminal charges could very easily come in your direction, to say nothing of the civil damages you could potentially face if you arrest someone's face right through a table. For that reason, when selecting your self-defense training regimen, I'd strongly suggest you consider a noncontact martial art like tai chi or even Pilates. An Example: I spent most of the summer of 2000 getting really big into Tae Bo when I found a Tae Bo DVD and thought it would be hilarious if I got really big into Tae Bo. For those who don't know, Tae Bo is a kind of high-intensity exercise regime/martial art that is I think used to train Special Forces aerobics instructors. Most notably, Tae Bo is completely noncontact, which means I'm unlikely to hurt my arrestees with it.

It turns out that a split-squat tiptoed punch is more dangerous to the puncher than everyone else in the world.

#4. Execution

A crime is happening! Only this time you're ready for it, having done all your homework and honed yourself into a crime-fighting Pilates machine. So take a deep breath, and do this: Approach your criminal confidently, announce that you're placing him under citizen's arrest and ask him to lie face first on the ground. If he doesn't (he won't), use your martial arts against him as gently as possible until he complies. An Example: I'd been trolling my wallet around downtown sidewalks for the better part of an hour before I felt a tug on the line. A catch! I turned around to spot a dirtbag holding my wallet. "Excuse me," she began to say before I interrupted her with my prepared speech, which was a sort of remembered version of the Miranda Rights.

"You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to ... uh ... remain an attorney. If you do not remain silent, an attorney may be held against you."

I then formally placed the young tough under citizen's arrest. Seeing the blank look on her face, I could tell she wasn't going to make things easy, at which point I escalated and conducted about 20 seconds of a Tae Bo routine right in front of her face. Finally, a reaction -- the hoodlum set the wallet down at her feet, then backed away from me slowly, accidentally tripping over a curb as she did so. Success -- I'd gotten my first "collar"!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Chris Bucholz

  • Rss

More by Chris Bucholz:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

324 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!