7 Charming Amenities of the World's Grossest Motel Room
Hello. My name is Adam Tod Brown, and I'm new here. Well, not technically new, I've written a few things in the past that you might be familiar with. But I recently accepted a full-time job as an editor and columnist here at Cracked.
Also, I'm living in a shitty motel room right now.
Sorry if that last sentence shatters your illusions of what kind of fame and riches await a person who ascends to the very heights of dick jokery by landing a job with the most successful failed magazine of all-time. I assure you, it's not as bleak as it sounds. For starters, when I say I'm living in a shitty motel room, I just mean right now, as I'm writing this. If there is a God (and a fat check from Cracked coming on Friday) I'll be out of this dive in a few more days.
How I ended up here is not the story. At least, it's not the story right now. I have no doubt that I'm more than enough of an asshole to share those details with the world at some point. But it won't be this day. Right now, there's only one story here, and that's the room itself.
More specifically, the charming amenities of the shitty motel room I'm living.
#7. The Shower Curtain That's Way Too Small for the Shower
I know this isn't the greatest photo. I'm sorry about that. Accepted photography standards fly out the window when you're standing in a bathroom that has an extra shower head that dispenses syphilis. Just joking, it doesn't have that. The fact that you'll catch syphilis in this room is just implied.
Anyway, that goddamn shower curtain. As you can see, there's a little bit of extra shower rod there in the upper right corner of the picture. That's because, despite what everything you learned in school may lead you to believe, there are no laws of physics in place that are capable of keeping this sheet of yellow-stained plastic stretched far enough to adequately cover the entire shower. I sometimes stand in awe of it during my weekly shower, liter of vodka in hand, still partially clothed, watching water gleefully penetrate the shower curtain's meager defenses and splash to the floor.
I can't begin to tell you how many tricks and techniques I've employed to try and get this thing to stay in some kind of useful position. But no matter what I try, it just snaps back into the same ineffective stance you see in the picture. By the time I'm done showering, the amount of moisture on the floor is rivaled only by the 8 inches of standing water in the bottom of the tub that will still be working its way down the drain when you finally read this.
#6. The Sketchy Neighbors Across the Hall
Pimp and prostitute? Drug dealers? All of the above? I'm not 100 percent sure which side of the crime spectrum the shady looking couple staying in the room across from me fall on, I just know that between the approximate hours of 9 a.m. - 4 a.m., that room is one endless parade of visitors.
The routine is always the same. First, the dude leaves. I know this to be the case because, well, I fucking watch them through the peephole sometimes. Sue me. Entertainment is scarce in a place like this. Anyway, dude leaves and a few minutes later, there's a knock at the door. This visitor is always a male. Always. Said gentleman caller usually stays for about 30 minutes and leaves. A few minutes after that, the male occupant of the room returns. Repeat to infinity.
So, they're either selling drugs or selling sex or selling both. Whatever the case, I'm not happy about it. I mean, seriously, only when I'm at my absolute brokest do a drug dealer and a prostitute move in across the hall from me. It's like being on the verge of starvation while watching a pizza commercial (which, coincidentally, is exactly what I'm doing as I type this).
Just joking. I'm not that desperate (yet). And here's something else I'm not desperate enough for ...
#5. The "Continental Breakfast"
Like any respectable house of prostitution and reasonably priced weekly motel rooms, this joint does indeed offer guests a "continental breakfast" each morning. In this case, the feast is available between the hours of 6am-10am. The biggest problem there lies in the fact that, given my current circumstances, the chances of me waking up from the previous night's blackout prior to 10am are slim to none. But, as luck would have it, there was a day earlier this week when I didn't manage to stumble my way to bed until well after 6am. So, being sort of awake and only moderately disoriented, I decided to investigate this "continental breakfast" firsthand to see what treasures it held.
To the best of my recollection, the following items were available:
-A Plexiglas container filled with a cereal that vaguely resembled Froot Loops
-A carafe of powdered milk
That's it. Not a donut, bagel or English muffin in sight. Toast? Fuck toast. Just a pile of sure to be stale Froot Loops and a big jug of disgusting powdered milk.
If any of you reading this grew up immersed in the wonders that only a life of poverty can provide, then you know what kind of animal powdered milk is, and you know that no self-respecting adult would willingly consume that shit. Not even one staying in a motel room that has a prescription for Valtrex posted on the door right underneath the fire escape map (which I think is from a different building altogether).
#4. The Cozy Sitting Area
Sometimes, a person just needs a quiet place to sit and reflect. If that person is living in a shitty motel room like I am right now, rest assured, their "place to go" options are sparse. Usually, it just means getting out of bed and walking to the other side of the room. What you see in the above photo is what you'll find on the other side of my shitty motel room. Isn't it just quaintest?
I must admit, I've never actually sat here and I plan on burning that computer bag and the earwigs almost certainly infesting it the second I'm gone. But still, in a dive like this, it's a nice effort. And as you can clearly see, those industrial strength plaid curtains are unique in their ability to keep the room completely dark whether they are open or closed. That's craftsmanship you could only find in the 1940s when those curtains were made.
Also, heads up, rapists. I think the locks on the window are just for show.
Other people misery amuses me.
ReplyWhat in the hell did you flee *from* to make that room the nicer alternative? O_O
ReplyDon't read me.
ReplyUpdate: wow, that was fast. I just asked a random guy on the street where I could buy a pube and he offered one from his latest litter almost instantly!
ReplyTo any pube owners: What do they eat? How often should I groom it? Does it need exercise? Does the exercise need to be vigorous?
Please help.
Desperately, Steven
I'm going to go out and purchase a pet pube now.
ReplyThis is f*****g hilarious, i've read it about 5 times now and crack up to the point of tears each time! Keep them coming!
ReplyThis was so funny. Been reading your articles and you havent disappointed. Hope you're out of that motel room by now!!
ReplyHave you tried taping the cord into the light socket.
ReplyDon't feel too bad. I've stayed at a hotel for a month and 9/10 of the time their continental breakfast was nothing more than a pot of lukewarm coffee, with a sign about 5 feet away pointing to the continental breakfast. To make it worse, the coffee was gross. Black, with cream, that powdered s**t they called milk, sugar or no, it was gross. Maybe that's because it was the same pot everyday, leftovers from the day before when NO ONE DRANK IT!
ReplyI'm thrilled you're a columnist now..I'm sure your mom is too, Oooo
ReplyNo, really, this was hilarious and "those industrial strength plaid curtains are unique in their ability to keep the room completely dark whether they are open or closed. That's craftsmanship you could only find in the 1940s when those curtains were made." and Pet hair had me hyperventilating
And maybe there's a little piece of duct tape under the tv? hopefullyyy...
Do the vending machines have condoms next to the M&Ms and cigarettes? I remember staying in a motel like that.
ReplyWow...you just didn't think to pinch the prongs of your electric plug closer together?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSeriously?
I figured that out when I was just a kid 45 years ago when using my record player, and the plug kept falling out of the outlet I was using.
And that was waaay back when there were few outlets in homes or businesses or hotels/motels with a 3rd hole in the outlets for the ground prong, or plug manufactured with a slightly wider prong than the other, so that the plug can be inserted in the outlet in only one way....lol.
v*points to Starlight's comment*v
Shit, wow, good idea!
Sometimes pinching the prongs together doesn't work. My house is old as s**t, and seriously... the only thing keeping my computer's powercord in right now is luck. Any slight movement and it will fall out.
Sometimes it just doesn't work, and its one of the most frustrating things since unsliced bread.
lol? Really? LOL?
So, am I seriously suppose to believe that you find the fact that a plug can be inserted into an outlet only one way to be so funny that you actually laughed about it as you hit the Submit Comment button?
I'm almost positive he's staying at a Microtel.
ReplyFor the outlet, I recommend a large bit of tape pulled over it and secured to the wall. Worked for me in a dilapidated trailer.
ReplyEh. I lived in a trashy motel for over two years. I had mice at two points during that stint. I also had another long-term guest living next door who closely resembled (and also sounded like) the sea captain from The Simpsons. They had a pool in the center of the lot, but it remained empty for nearly my entire stay. There were some cabins/sheds toward the back of the property, adorned with caved-in roofs and a strong smell of urine.
ReplyStill, it was a cool experience in the end. Maybe the author of this story will eventually feel the same way.
why don't you just push something against that outlet like a nightstand or something? :D
Replyhahaha I remember this knight's inn we stayed at in like minnesota or north dakota somewhere.. that place was a piece of crap. but they allowed pets so it was cool.
ReplyYea, but Adam's motel comes /with/ a pet..even better :)
Yikes, and I thought the Travelodge in Pensacola Beach was bad. It takes a lot to skeeve me out, and that place did it, but this, this is bad man. Sorry for whatever circumstances landed you in this place.
ReplyIt was a woman, wasn't it?
I once stayed at a motel where the man next door had a long and incredibly loud argument with his girlfriend/wife who kicked him out and then mistakenly let him back in, at which point he began to beat her nearly to death. That is not an exaggeration. My calls to the manager went unanswered and when I called 911 it took them 20 minutes to respond. And this s**t hole cost me $89, damn high-cost-of-living metro area.
Replyalso, watch out for rooms with more smoke detectors than they need, one may be a camera. since i hook up cameras for people, i recognized this hidden camera right off, but im not stupid, im not going to take out the battery, i simply put a pice of double sided sticky tape over the lens. so whomever was watching got their audio feed, but no picture. within 5 minutes of my covering the lens, the maintenence crew knocks on my door. they need to 'check my smoke detector' . i said 'why? i didnt go off or anything, im not smoking'.they look at each other a second then i tell them i recognize the camera and that its very much illegal to have cameras in hotel rooms and were going to keep that piece of tape right where it is till i check out. ive never been back..
ReplyShit. I feel like I'm learning this fact many years too late.
Gotta cover that camera up, can't let the manager watch in on all that hooker and drug fun-time you're about to have