Despite being a figurative endless cavern of historical and scientific texts, the Internet somehow sees all its news and information delivered in a series of memes and slideshows, tools once reserved for cat photographs or your grandparent's vacation to the tri-state area's largest yam.
The problem is, there's often a sharp disconnect between what can fit into a viral Facebook photo and that irritating killjoy known as "the truth." Consequently, our social media feeds are constantly bombarded with incredible images ... that are also 100 percent cow-pie.
7The #HoldACokeWithYourBoobs Challenge Is A Chesty Lie
You may have noticed that the human bosom is universally admired in a way that transcends time, space, time zones, death and punctuation. (Notice how we forgot that Oxford comma? Look!) The people behind #HoldACokeWithYourBoobs noticed this too and decided to spark a campaign encouraging ladies to nestle icy refreshments betwixt their cleavage, not unlike the most confusing burlesque sponsorship deal ever.
Or if the Insane Clown Posse lost their taste for Faygo.
Hashtag movements are unique in the sense that they usually have very little to do with what cause they are supporting, so when it came out that the ladies in the above images were trying to raise funds for breast cancer survivors, nobody thought it was strange or unbelievable, because bazooms.
But things got downright surreal when it was further revealed that #HoldACokeWithYourBoobs was in no way associated with any breast cancer charities. In fact, it's been straight-up disavowed by the Breast Cancer Research Foundation, like a captured secret agent. Turns out that the act of motorboarding cold ones was actually conceived by a pair of chuckleheads in the adult entertainment industry as a viral joke to prove how dumb viral challenges have become. As the hashtag ironically blew up, participants began assuming that they were doing it for some kind of boob-related cause (because why else would they be risking the nipple frostbite? Certainly not just for Internet fame; who would do that?
Hint: fucking everybody.
When the breast cancer connection was made, the creators simply ran with it, because they thought it was funny (particularly since none of the original images mention anything about breast cancer). In the end, zero charities received any kind of funding, and the Internet was left with a bunch of stray photos of soda-gripping mammaries. So ... we kind of broke even on this one? Either way -- anyone looking to actually donate to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation can click on this link here before pretending not to scroll back up to the sexually labyrinthine photo of a topless clown.
6People Can't Stop Posting Dumb Photos Of Sharks In Floods
Now that our ecosystem is slowly transforming into a tornado of cockroach feces and cursed lava, it appears that we're not even bothering to take fresh pictures of the climate tragedy du jour, such as the ever-recycled cold snap lighthouse photo we get year after year. Or this:
... that all theme parks look exactly the same.
That would be a theme park in Atlanta, which flooded back in 2009, still getting thousands of retweets with every new meteorological event. But hey, at least that's a real photo people are being tricked with and not an impossible Photoshop abomination featuring a shark, like this stupid piece of shit:
Being Texas, he was still the least aggressive one on the road.
This image is currently enjoying at least 50,000 shares on Facebook, despite the fact that it is literally impossible -- Houston is about 20 or so miles from the nearest body of ocean water, and highway 249 is on the opposite side of the city. Unless Poseidon, Lord Of The Seas decides to punish the state of Texas by crushing half of it beneath the ocean, or we encounter a Sharknado-type situation, the only way a shark will ever be on highway 249 is if it falls out of the back of a freezer truck and slowly bakes on the asphalt in the hot sun.
Not only is this image of a tooling highway monster a total lie, but that exact shark has been showing up in pictures for years. Here it is murdering commuters in Puerto Rico. Here it is after Hurricane Sandy. Here it is after Hurricane Irene. Shit, we Photoshopped it into an article back in 2010:
Though if we'd known at the time it'd get accepted at face value, we'd have gone with a much larger shark.
It originally appeared in a genuinely striking 2005 Africa Geographic photo, before being clipped out and compulsively passed along like an oregano spliff:
Thomas P. Peschak/Africa Geographic
Oh yeah. Way less impressive now.