6 Weird Things Everyone Misunderstands About Anger

One of my favorite story tropes is when a normally calm and subdued hero explodes into a righteous fireball of dong-punching hyperfury. It's always so satisfying, because you've watched an entire movie/season/chapter of injustice, so once the breaking point is reached, "catharsis" doesn't even come close to describing the sensation. It's just perfection. Also, it never happens that way in real life, ever.

I don't think I'm the kind of guy that people think of as angry, but I do know I have one hell of a temper, and it's the worst fucking thing about me. Yes, even worse than my scraggly beard, general lack of hygiene, and the fact that I enjoyed and will stubbornly defend Pacific Rim as a masterful piece of filmmaking. Hopefully, this column will help us all look at our tempers with a little maturity, maybe understand our angry friends a bit better, and let us work together to ... oh, you're ... you're just writing an angry comment about Pacific Rim, aren't you? All right, let's get this motor running.

#6. The Difference Between Letting Go of Anger and Suppressing It Isn't Clear

Michael Blann/Digital Vision/Getty Images

When we get mad, the absolute number one piece of advice we'll get is to "let it go." The problem is, for someone who's actually angry to the point of it messing up their life, you may as well have just asked them to take on a Balrog with nothing but a standard-issue phaser set on stun, which is not only insane but impossible because those don't even exist in the same universe, you goofballs.

The other problem is that we send mixed messages: you're supposed to let anger go, but at the same time, you're supposed to stand up for yourself. Well, standing up for yourself takes a lot of energy, so where does that energy come from, if not the anger welling up inside you, like a big angry Balrog?

New Line Cinema
As a side note, isn't it weird that Balrogs are an apt metaphor for everything that exists?

The idea is that you're supposed to let go of the things that you can't control and fight to control the things you can -- only that's insane, because most stuff doesn't clearly fall into one of those categories. What if you hate your job? What if you hate where you live? What if your cat won't stop meowing? You have to do a lot of investigating and careful thinking to figure out if those are problems that you can actually fix or if they're issues you just have to accept -- and that's damn near impossible when you're angry. So the real prerequisite to all this anger advice is that you need to learn to control your anger -- but what's the difference between that and suppressing it?

Look, this is even harder than it sounds. I thought I had this figured out a while back. I thought the lines were clearly demarcated in my head. But then I lost my temper at something stupid and realized I was wrong, because the truth is ...

#5. Seemingly Small Things Can Become Enormous Through the Lens of Anger

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Wanna hear a cringeworthy and depressing story? Obviously your answer is yes. When I was in high school, I was an outsider, due to the fact that I went to a high school full of jerks and also I was kind of awkward, standoffish, and dumb. This all came to a head one night when I was at a dinner with the rest of a sports team I belonged to, when suddenly (I don't remember how) the conversation just became a series of jokes the coach was making at the expense of my clothing, my personality, and my family. It seemed like it lasted an hour, and everyone -- including some parents, who were chaperoning -- was laughing so hard the table shook, all while staring at me, and I didn't say a word.

Why not? Well, the thing was, I was already kind of a huge dork (I knew not to make Star Trek/Lord of the Rings crossover jokes like the one above, but just barely), so there wasn't anything I could say back. If I stood up for myself, I probably would've lost my temper, and since nothing is easier to mock than any angry nerd, I just ... "let it go."

Stefano Tinti/iStock/Getty Images
Only I didn't really! That's called foreshadowing!

Everyone reading this who's ever been bullied for real is furious right now, because what I just described is super lame. It's like the least traumatic bullying story ever. Not at all the kind of memory that you're supposed to carry with you into adulthood, let alone allow to dictate your entire life (more foreshadowing!), but it did, because I sat there and "let my anger go" all the way down to my stomach and the back of my brain, where it festered like a really patient xenomorph. And, weirdly enough, the fact that they were mocking me isn't even the thing that made me mad: it was the fact that I just sat there and took it, in an attempt to "let it go." But because of all this, I learned ...

#4. Anger Influences Your Decisions Without You Knowing It

Sergey Nivens/iStock/Getty Images

Pop culture loves to represent morality with a shoulder angel and a shoulder devil. I'm going to make a bet right now that future-me can find a shoulder angel/devil stock photo to put here and illustrate my point, when I'm picking out the pictures for this article later. Can you rise to the challenge, future-me?

marcogarrincha/iStock/Getty Images
You know goddamn well that I can, past-me!

Which is weird because isn't "hearing voices" the stereotype for crazy? But if we follow through with the metaphor and think of it as urges, it's pretty clear that that's not really how it works, right? First off, there are way more voices, and they don't wait politely for one to finish talking, they're just cutting each other off. And not only does Anger keep moving around and shouting from different directions, it's really good at imitating the voices of Righteousness, Pride, Love, Lust, Fear, Hunger, and a bunch of other emotions that aren't interesting, like Ennui and Xbox.

marcogarrincha/iStock/Getty Images
This is the inside of my brain.

Which means once this shit is bottled up, you're going to do something out of anger and not even know it.

Let's use me as an example again, because I am a great example of someone who is just a disaster of a person. The overwhelming majority of my first drafts of articles are really, really cruel, and when I go back and revise them, I have no idea why. The other day I wrote a rant about what a shithead Quentin Tarantino is, even though I love his movies and in interviews he actually seems like the kind of cocky geek I would get along with. This is the thing that every bully and every Internet harasser needs to do for their own good: they need to look at themselves and find out what they're really, actually mad about.

There's an important nuance here. Of course standing up for things is important, and anger motivates a lot of people to do that, and if they stopped, society would collapse. And if you're really angry about an injustice, then there's no reason not to look at yourself honestly, right? When I did that, I discovered that not standing up for myself as a kid turned me into a bit of a bully later in life, particularly in college, particularly that time I kicked a kid out of my dorm room just because he had less social capital than me, or that time I made an underclassman cry in the library because I disagreed with his politics. I was never really mad at them, I was mad at how little respect I had shown myself in the past and was trying to make up for it. It was a stupid thing that shouldn't have been remembered by anyone and is probably forgotten by everyone but me, but because I reacted to it poorly, I ended up hurting myself and other people a lot more than makes sense.

And this is where we get to the really uncomfortable stuff ...

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J.F. Sargent

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