5 Things To Do Now That Dragons Have Returned To The World

Well, it's up and happened. Dragons have returned to the world. We were wrong to laugh at the old man who warned us this day was coming.

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We were wrong to push him down those stairs. as well.

You probably have a few questions. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Why did this have to happen to me? Here are the answers you seek, traveler.

How Did This Happen?

The dragons came tearing out of a portal in spacetime which appeared, possibly by coincidence, above an Arby's.

Why Did This Happen?

The dragons forever travel a circuit across the multiverse, intersecting this realm every five to six thousand years, depending on traffic. There is no why to explain; this is an immutable part of the fabric of reality, and almost certainly has nothing to do with something that was going on in that particular Arby's.

Why Did This Have To Happen To You?

The dragons hate you.




With that answered, here are a few fun tips that should help you live your best possible life in a world which now has dragons.

#6. Work From Home More

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The threat of imminent fiery death is going to have a number of global socioeconomic effects, almost all of which will just wreak havoc with your morning commute. You're gonna have dragons that ignite cars from above, and dragons that dwell deep in tunnels (and also ignite cars), and small dragons that lurk in our back seats and distract us with riddles. And even if you avoid murder by one of those, the nature of traffic means it only takes one or two smoking heaps on the freeway to slow down everyone's day

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"And on the 401, we've got Bat'lythur, Flayer of Souls, causing a lot of congestion."

The implications of this are deeper than you might first suspect. Not only would dragons make getting to work a challenge, but they'd also make getting home a challenge. In a world filled with dragons, the two will probably become one and the same.

And not always in the way you might hope.

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Welcome home.

And that's if you still have a job. Because those global socioeconomic effects are no joke. With traffic at a standstill and people not showing up to work, and also many things being on fire, trade will likely collapse, sending the economy into a tailspin. So even if you do make it to the office, did the guy who mails out the checks? And can your company even make payroll if all your customers stop paying their invoices, because those invoices are on fire? Certain economic sectors will be a little more dragon-proof, like defense and asbestos. But the rest of us might want to start updating our resumes.

#5. Get A Haircut

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There are a couple of aspects to this. First, shorter hair will be less likely to ignite if you are attacked by a dragon, or caught in their claws if you are being toyed with by a dragon, or clog their digestive tract if you are eaten by a dragon.

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That last benefit is mainly for the dragons.

But perhaps more importantly, shorter hair will also make you less likely to be recognized as a damsel. Which is good, because dragons love kidnapping damsels. This isn't a gender thing, incidentally -- because of their scales, all dragons love and envy creatures with long hair. The notion that they only lusted after "damsels" was just how our patriarchal ancestors perceived this behavior during the last age of dragons. Now we know that long-haired men are just as likely to be seized by a dragon and placed in a tower or aerie to make it look pretty.

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Or more like a karate dojo.

But what if you don't want to cut your hair? What if your partner doesn't? How do you protect your beautiful, long-haired woman or man from the dragons? What if you want to fight back? Then you'd better ...

#4. Keep An Eye Out For Legendary Swords

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If we hope to take back this realm from the dragons -- and we should, since it's ours and all our stuff is here -- we're going to need some way to harm them. Because of their thick skin, quasi-real nature, and high levels of cunning, dragons are incredibly difficult to kill, even with modern military technology.

Wikimedia Commons
Unless that's the +5 enchanted 120mm, you're just wasting ammo, guys.

If the old people whom we even now continue to berate and ignore were actually right, the only thing capable of wounding a dragon is a blade forged of magic and shadow. No one knows where you might find such an artifact. The only current source of swords -- that weird store at the mall -- seems an unlikely place.

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You'll probably find this guy, actually.

It was almost certainly a coincidence that the dragons appeared above that one Arby's and now roost around Arby's the world over, including countries that didn't have Arby's until just now. But if it isn't a coincidence, then it stands to reason that enchanted weapons might appear in the vicinity of an Arby's. So have a look there, or perhaps around their archnemesis, Hardee's.

But after you get make a nuisance of yourself at a few Arby's and some Hardee's, and then some Wendy's and also one Jimmy John's, you'll realize that defeating the dragons might be hopeless. We'll just have to live with them until they wander off to the next realm. Which means you'll probably want to ...

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Chris Bucholz

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