6 Simple Pleasures Life Will Not Let You Have
If I asked you to name all the mythical things you'll never find, you'd probably rattle off stuff like unicorns and leprechaun gold. But there's no reason to be so dramatic or fanciful. There are all sorts of unattainable things that have nothing to do with legend. Here are six seemingly ordinary things you can never find.
#6. A Barista Who Leaves the Right Amount of Room for Milk
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If you're anything like me, you get coffee at Starbucks all the time and hate yourself for it. It's charred and overpriced, and yet I still fork over my cash under a dubious belief that getting coffee elsewhere would somehow be inferior. Even more unforgivable, I don't even need to go to Starbucks because I never order specialty drinks like a tall mocha chai frappuccino or whatever those dudes who flip through the geriatric hipster CDs on the counter do while they wait for their $4.98 concoctions. I just get a tall coffee. Starbucks calls it a "pike," but I don't because somehow in the back of my sheepy little mind I'm asserting my individuality.
And each and every time I place my order, the cashier does the same thing. First she shouts "Tall pike" over her shoulder with an unstated reprimand for my deficient nomenclature. And then she turns to me with a helpful smile and asks, "Do you want room for milk?"
For the life of me, I have no idea why because in 10 years no barista has ever left me sufficient room for milk. I clearly say "Yes," and suddenly I'm pouring out an inch of steaming hot tar moments later. If the question is rhetorical and ultimately frustrating, why not make it better? "Would you care for a screaming orgasm with your beverage?" "Should I set fire to the Bon Iver CD that's playing?" "May all the baristas form a sexual human centipede for your enjoyment while you nibble on a cake pop?"
Like this, but without the dude or the surgical torture. Plus candy.
And I know I'm not the only one because all my abused Starbucks brethren circle round the tiny Formica garbage hole sprinkling nutmeg and discharging liquids like the stars of some caffeinated bukkake film.
#5. Toast That Tastes as Good as It Does in a Diner
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When people aren't handy around the kitchen, they always say the same thing: "For the love of God, Gladstone, put your pants on!" Oh, wait, that's what Christina H. says when I pop over to show her "my new column." What I meant to write is people who can't cook usually say something like "I can barely make toast!" And while I get the concept, I always think it's a weird expression because it's surprisingly hard to make toast as well as they do in diners. I'm actually a decent cook, and I've never done it.
There must be some secret because even when you get toast at the crappiest greasy spoons, it's still almost always fantastic. Two slices of industrial-issue white bread, browned and dripping with salty butter. You can own bread, a toaster and butter, but somehow, when you make it for yourself, it's never as good.
That's all I really have on this one. Sorry, I just like diner toast. And sexually harassing Christina. Moving on.
#4. A Food Service Vendor Who Actually Only Applies "A Little" of a Condiment
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I know there are people who love mustard and ketchup and mayonnaise or anything that's spreadable and bad for you.
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Not what I meant. Get your head out of the gutter.
And I like mustard, ketchup and mayo, too, but in moderate amounts. That's not a problem when I'm the chef, but there seems to be no such thing as "a little" in the food service industry.
I'm undeterred, and I keep trying with hot dog vendors and sandwich shop employees. "A liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit," I say, scrunching up my face and holding my thumb and forefinger millimeters apart. But these employees seem to be trained that less is more (not just in personal hygiene, but also in condiment distribution). If I say I want a little mustard and you squirt a line of yellow gold across the dog and then another line back in the other direction, what would you do if I said I wanted a lot? And I think the answer is nothing different. Perhaps there's just something so fun about oozing condiments that nothing will stand in the way of the food service employee's embrace of culinary squirt art.
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"I have a vision!"
Guess im part of the dwindling number of people who have never gotten an extra McNugget before.. Sad.
ReplyI have gotten an extra Mcnugget before, and I have had more than one call center person kindly let me talk to his/her boss when it was plain he/she could not help me. Also, you know how you avoid feeling sad about not having enough room for milk? Drink it black with an extra shot of espresso in it.
ReplyHaving worked for a call center (doing tech support specifically) I can definitively say that it's more frustrating than anything else when people think a supervisor is going to be able to do more. Thinking that "only supervisors have the authority to actually accommodate significant grievances" is false, most techs for big companies (Acer included) are empowered to make decisions, the problem is that the techs are still human. Just like returning a product to a retailer, if you come in and are friendly with a rep they'll be more inclined to bend over backwards for you, even if it means making an exception to the rules. Similarly a tech (that's worth their salt) will not respond well to someone asking for a supervisor first thing, they usually see it as an emasculating display that's demeaning their position (because, to be frank, they're sometimes over-qualified for their job and warming up to the pompous nerd is usually going to get you further anyway, just don't act too dumb). Now, if a tech sees that there's something they can't do then they're supposed to tell the caller/customer that they'll need to request an override, which still doesn't mean that actually speaking to a supervisor will resolve the issue any faster because more often than not there's a governing body that doesn't interact with customers that approvals need to go to on a case by case basis. All of that will subsequently lead to delays that a supervisor would only be able to apologize for and repeat empathetic statements while you drone on about how terribly inconvenient it is (we know, because we've had to deal with people on the phones too). So, maybe you could provide a simple pleasure to the inbound call center techs you speak to and pretend they're the not Bond villain minions in the way of their supervisor, Dr. Know (It All). Besides, as much satisfaction as comes with denying service for impudent cretins for legitimate breaches of the terms and conditions, there's even more satisfaction from actually doing something helpful for someone.
Replywell said
Seriously, I spent over 10 years in the trenches, I never had a supervisor that could do anything I couldn't for a customer, just some that were willing to pretend, and a whole lot that flatly refused to deal with customers.
Seriously, in most calls by the time you ask for a supervisor we really want to get you to one, mainly because it means we don't have to deal with you anymore, the problem is that my supervisor is a guy that spent his entire career trying to get to a point where he will never have to talk to a customer again, so he doesn't want to talk to you.
Diner toast: Toasted with butter in a pan, not a toaster.
ReplyIt's actually toasted on a flat-top, not a tiny f*****g pan.
A flat-top is basically a giant f*****g pan.
Yay! None of these applies to me!
ReplyGird your loins, for I am about to share with you the ancient secret of diner toast. It's a combination of (low) quality materials, timing, and continued heating.
ReplyFirst, the materials. Most of them you can find at your local dollar store, if said store sells food. You want the cheapest white bread and butter that you can find. Make sure that the bread is cut extra thick, "Texas Toast" style. Also, make sure your butter/margarine is not the unsalted kind. You want a bunch of salt up in this bitch. What? Did you think diner toast was good for you?
Ok. Once you've got your s****y ingredients home, you need two appliances: A toaster and an electric hair dryer. You also need a knife to butter your toast with, unless you're the T-1000 and can turn your fingers into knives. In which case, get back to hunting John Connor, and stop f*****g around with toast.
Step1: Toast the toast. Do it one slice at a time. Timing is of the essence in this process, and if you try to do it more than one slice at a time you will upset the delicate balance. Or, if you REALLY want to do it two slices at a time, make sure you have a second pair of hands to help you. Like, either graft some extra arms onto your body and figure out how to wire the nerves so they work properly, or get your significant other off the couch and ask them to help you. If all else fails, ask a grandparent to assist. Old people like to feel useful.
Anyway... Toast the toast at a medium-high setting. If you're operating on a scale of 1 to 10, toast it somewhere between 5 and 7 depending on how dark you like your toast. Be ready for when the toast pops, because the second that warm and crispy little bastard is out in the open you need to immediately snap into action.
Grab the toast and butter the s**t out of that motherfucker. I'm talking double and perhaps triple layers. Don't hold back. Cover every inch of one side in that salty, artery-clogging goodness. Once it's buttered you're not done yet. Lay it down on a plate butter-side-up. (Fuck the Zooks! We're Yook-ing it up in this bee-yotch!) Now take your hair dryer, put it on the highest heat with the lowest air flow and blow-dry your toast. This is not a joke. It's the heat lamps that they throw the food under while it's waiting to be picked up by Toothless Edna at the diner that really seals in all that buttery goodness. Unless you have a heat lamp of your own, the hair dryer is going to be the closest approximation most people can find. If you do have a heat lamp, then make sure your cannabis plants can stand to be without it before you take it away. Those guys are touchy. You know what? f**k it. Stop being a defiant a*****e and use the hair dryer. Sheesh.
You're going to feel ridiculous blow-drying toast. Someone might come along and judge you. If you're not the kind to punch people in the face (a toast lover, not a toast fighter) just smile at them smugly, content in the knowledge that you will soon be enjoying delicious diner-style toast, without all of that pesky hepatitis, and they will still be judgmental pricks who will risk blood diseases if they want something as good as you're about to enjoy.
Blow dry your toast for one to two minutes. Longer if you can stand it. Once it's done, it's ready to consume. Put it in your mouth, chew, swallow, and enjoy.
This isn't 100% authentic to diner toast, but it's the closest approximation I've ever been able to come up with. I, too, am a diner food fanatic and I'm always trying to recreate that kind of stuff in my kitchen. Now, if anyone can tell me the secret to diner bacon, I would... umm... say "thank ya kindly."
Good comment, well done.
Not only have I gotten extra chicken nuggets from McDonald's before, but the one time I decided to point it out to them, the person behind the counter thought I was complaining and ended up giving me an extra chicken nugget meal for free. There was no way I could eat so much food, so I started walking around and gave the extra to the first person I saw with a "NEED MONEY FOR FOOD" sign.
ReplyStarbucks used to train every barista to leave an inch at the top of all drinks 'with milk'. Take it back, demand a refund, then enjoy a free drink! (Maybe it's different in England....)
ReplyAnd now we all have to get scalded by hot coffee spilling out of overfilled cups because of all the dickholes complaining just to get free drinks.
How about a straight girl who doesn't immediately think I want to nom her taco when she finds out I'm a lesbian. Honestly, it's never happened, even when the straight girl in question is the ugliest human being on the planet.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHoobly goobly boobly boo? Stop playing yourself off as a lesbian and expecting preferential treatment, perhaps? I have nothing against gays and lesbians, but don't whine about not getting special treatment.
Um, who said anything about special treatment? Personally, I think that Jaja is just hanging out with the wrong people (I've never known a straight girl, attractive or not, to make that assumption about a lesbian, myself), but there is no hint of wanting "special treatment".
You realize that the chances are slim that she's the very same lesbian who rejected you when you finally worked up the courage to ask her out because you don't understand how lesbians work, right? So maybe you could chill out?
I don't do girls, I'm female, and don't think you want to get in my pants.
I'm sure gay guys have the same issue.
jaja, I stopped telling new people in my life about my sexual orientation because I got sick of how straight girls automatically WITHOUT FAIL started acting like I wanted there's. I like vagina honey, not YOUR vagina.
I've stopped asking for lettuce on my Chipotle tacos because whenever I ask for just a little bit they pile a whole garden's worth on top that I have to dig through to get to the real food. Ugh, just forget it, Chipotle!
ReplyNegging? "How about a little date?"
They do that with the hot salsa too. And they never believe me when I say I don't want guacamole on my vegetarian bowl. "No guacamole? Are you sure? Not even on the side? It's included in the price." No! God! I'll pay you an extra buck NOT to put that green slime on my food!
I find it amusing that this article's #1 is on the list of things that everyone should know about customer service article. :D
Replyi was just there, i ordered one small mcfrappe, they gave me 2 mediums for the same price. theyve givin me more than what i ordered alot in the past
Reply"And I'm not "negging" -- that neat trick where guys put you down to destroy your confidence and then prey on you in your compromised state."
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYou make it sound like such a morally devoid and repulsive thing to do. Using your knowledge of the other gender in order to seem attractive to them is not "preying" on them. Women do it all the time to "prey" on men, by your logic. Women actively put up resistance in conversation with the sole intention to see if he will break it down - and when you're dealing with an extremely arrogant woman, she doesn't want you to suck up to her and tell her she's beautiful - she wants you to bring her down a bit. Just make sure you do it in a flirtatious and playful way.
Seriously?? I don't need to be sucked up to, but the last thing I want in flirtatious conversation is to be told I look bad.
Then you're not arrogant! Neg-hitting is for those kinds of girls only. Also, you don't outright insult someone, it's more of a discreet comment to get her head out of the clouds. You've never been in the situation I assume but it's easier to understand if you've been there yourself.
No. Women put up resistance in conversation because they genuinely don't want to talk to you. And I don't blame them.
hey, maybe you could try top talk to women like they are actual f*****g human beings, not goddamn puzzles.
Humans (of either gender) also tend to prefer the company of other humans who DON'T go out of their way to ruin their mood and make them feel bad. Mind-blowing concept, I know, but maybe you should try it sometime.
And by the way, when you insult someone, unless their self-esteem is on incredibly shaky ground already, it doesn't cause them to suddenly re-formulate their sense of self-worth and think less of themselves just because of your stupid comment. It just causes them to think you're an asshole. Especially if they're "arrogant".
Not only can reps resolve 99% of your issues, but the 1% that they can't, they have to give a sup some background. But ahahahahaha, what you don't even realize is that in most call centers when you escalate, you're being transferred to another rep with escalation training and we just call them a supervisor. Rofl! Same with customers that take the time to write in a complaint, you're writing in to a group of representatives, you're not actually writing in to corporate headquarters. succas!!
ReplyAnd that, dear heart, is why I take the trouble to identify, locate, and write to the CEO or president every time. It works wonders, and has only failed once. Do not bother writing to the head of Sally Hansen. He seriously could not care less!
taitano hit the nail on the head. At my restaurant we use a plastic spatula to spread a light amount of garlic butter onto (obviously) texas toast, and throw it in the oven for a few minutes. comes out perfect
ReplyIf you want extra chicken nuggets, go to Wendy's. Serious, over half of the times I've been in there, I've gotten AT LEAST one extra. The most was three (with a ten-piece combo). And it's not just one location, all of them here do it.
ReplyHaving been a customer service supervisor, I can tell you that 99% of the time the thing you think you need a supervisor for is either a) possible through the original person who picked up the phone or b) not something the supervisor has any control over. I don't even know how many hundreds of times I got called over only to be asked to take an order or check on status, and I refused to take the phone unless the rep could tell me WHY the person called- because they'll just say "let me talk to your supervisor" first thing. There are only a few supervisors for a whole building of reps, and you have no idea what those reps can and can't do.
ReplySee, this is why I build my own macs.
Reply*Phone rings*
Oh, hi mom! What's that? You're leaving dad for who? He did what to you‽
Like some people have said, I've got an extra chicken nugget once, a long time ago...
ReplyI've got n extra chicken nugget from McDonald's once, when I was a kid. I immediately ate it because I thought they'd try to take it back.
Reply