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Having superpowers is like flying first class: It comes with a lot of unlisted complimentary items and no one will complain if you wear a cape. On paper, Captain America's secret sauce granted him the superhuman strength to throw his shield -- and yet he also possesses the knowledge of a geometry professor, because he is able to use that shield to make impossible trick shots. Spider-Man has the characteristics and power of a spider and is also immediately cured of his terrible vision for no discernible reason.

But while most of these side-effect abilities are a garnish, some characters have unmentioned secondary skills that are so incredible that their primary superpower eats a pale shit in comparison. For instance, no one ever mentions the fact that ...

Storm Produces Massive Amounts Of Energy From Nothing

20th Century Fox

Storm is a goddamned elemental deity. She can control weather so precisely that she's able to rain down lightning at the leisure of her own baffling catchphrases. She can summon the tornadoes, tsunamis, and hurricanes needed to solve droughts; create renewable wind energy; or demolish a small country of her choosing. But, most importantly, she can produce electricity from her own body, like a sexy Tesla Coil.

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox
She's basically hot Raiden.

To put that into perspective: A single bolt of lightning is about 5 billion joules, which translates to 1.2 million calories worth of food someone would have to scarf for their body to generate that much energy. Storm would have to be downing 2,131 Big Macs per thunderous kill shot -- which means her particular mutation must allow her body to instantaneously materialize power from either the electromagnetic energy around her or fucking nowhere ... and either option would be a world-changing miracle.

20th Century Fox
"You ... didn't ... supersize me, motherfucker!"

The wattage in a single bolt of lightning could power a home for a month -- meaning that with the right conductor and tapering, she could be spending her mutant off-days occasionally taking the time to run entire cities. Her body can produce endless amounts of sustainable juice on such a large scale that she could piledrive the energy crisis like a robotic Al Gore, but instead she wastes all her time teaching children and saving civilians like a selfish asshole.

Sandman Has The Inexplicable Power Of Flight

Columbia Pictures

In the first of several Spider-Man franchise killers, Sandman tumbled into the unguarded testing abyss of a confounding particle physics lab and gained the ability to turn his body into sand. He then used his awesome powers of sand transformation to rob banks while perpetually looking like a roided-up Steve from Blue's Clues.

Columbia Pictures
I just killed an old man
I just killed an old man
I just killed an old man
Wonder who it was?

According to the rag-tag idiot scientists conducting their wacky late-night sand experiment, the process vaguely involved the demolecularization of a silicone mass, which caused the hulking frown dispenser Flint Marko to be infused with the sandy substance and become Sandman. It makes as much sense as anything in Spider-Man 3 -- except for the part that magically grants Sandman the power of flight:

Columbia Pictures
Fly away, fish poop. Be free!

Look at that: He's not riding the wind; he's controlling his direction like fucking Imhotep. In a film series featuring a man who casually invents sentient robot claws and a meteorite housing a glob of outer-space Gwar jizz, this is by far the most far-fetched nonsense portrayed on-screen. And yet, no one seems concerned about the sand-character that's managed to propel each grain of his disembodied particle cloud with no apparent propellant. That's seriously magic, right? Can we all agree that's magic?

How long is Sandman able to maintain his sorcerous cloud form? Can he go to space, like Superman? Build a Martian sandcastle like Doctor Manhattan? He has two out of four Last Airbender powers -- it's a wonder the world didn't just stop and give him all the cartoonish money bags he needed to cure his daughter's mystery ailment. For all we know, he's as immortal as the hovering Earth particles flooding his DNA like dusty vampire blood.

Columbia Pictures
"Sorry I can't stay and chat; got a double shift at Never-Never Land.

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Cyclops Has An Indestructible Neck

20th Century Fox

If you have ever fired a gun, you have no doubt experienced the boner-inflating opposing force created by launching a bullet, perhaps into a cantaloupe with the words "MY INSECURITIES" scrawled on it in Sharpie. That's called recoil. And, according to Newton's Law, without resistance and mass, that feeling would mirror the amount of force created by the bullet's impact. That is, if you had a gun strong enough to blow through a steel door, the recoil would be equal to that force, if not greater. With me so far? Now, let's imagine that your projectile didn't have any resistance or mass, like a laser. Like the kind of laser Cyclops uses to blast through steel doors.

20th Century Fox
"Here's Scotty!"

Cyclops' laser eyes are so powerful that they can blow the roofs off train stations and eject ThunderCats straight out of national monuments. That means his true superpower is the tremendous ability to absorb batshit amounts of recoil that would come from firing such a devastating face-blaster.

That's right, kids: If you took a regular human and mounted a laser to their head, that person's head would explode right off their body the first time they used it to blow a hole through a tank. And yes, before you ask, laser guns would theoretically have a recoil -- which we're guessing would be tenfold considering the completely unbroken stream of energy connecting his skull to whatever fool enemy stepped in front of him.

20th Century Fox
Visitors to Xavier's school parallel park at their own risk.

If William Stryker ever got the opportunity to cut this fellow open, Cyclops' neck and spine would look like a piece of rebar covered in vulcanized rubber. Or maybe he just absorbs the force and recycles it, like Kevin Bacon's character in X-Men: First Class. That would certainly explain where the energy for laser-beam eyes comes from ... because, like for Storm, we never get a sense of where Cyclops' endless power originates, despite the fact that you could stick his head in a rain barrel and create a nuclear reactor.

The Fantastic Four Could Change The World With Their Costumes

Twentieth Century Fox

Depending on which ridiculous version of the Fantastic Four you've decided to follow -- the group's "unstable molecule" suits were created by Mister Fantastic himself in the comics, the cosmic radiation on board their ship in the 2005 film, or whatever "grounded" pseudo-science the new movie chooses to piss out.

Twentieth Century Fox
"I molded it out of my own angsty tears."

Whatever their origin, the Fantastic Four's suits have the power to adapt to any environment they come in contact with -- be it the Human Torch's supernova heat or the crushing dick chafe of Thing's short shorts. In other words, the Fantastic Four have created the most versatile material known to man and have decided to use it to make themselves matching fancy suits instead of making the world indestructible. Heck, a pup tent made from this crap would provide more insulation and protection than a missile silo, and boom, you've solved a major part of the homeless problem. And before you say the words "limited supply," keep in mind that in the movie, Mr. Fantastic created a machine that could duplicate the cosmic rays responsible for their mutations.

Twentieth Century Fox
"Oh crap, I think I left the Human Torch on all night."

Call me overly ambitious, but it's a wonder that the military isn't throwing their old sweats into those machines just to see what happens. The Fantastic Four went up to space, created an almost magic type of fabric that can withstand the power of the fucking sun, and came back saying, "Shucks, what a failure," for some goddamn reason.

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Mystique Is A Supernaturally Good Actress And Can Change Her Size At Will

20th Century Fox

Easily the least grounded part of the X-Men franchise is the idea that the world would be horrified by the sight of a gorgeous nude blue woman parkouring people to death like a lemur. There'd be at least five subreddits devoted to Mystique, and yet she continually acts like the only action she can get is from an operatic magnet. Then again, nothing about Mystique makes much sense when you think on it long enough. For instance, the fact that she can apparently double her mass and never uses it to her advantage:

20th Century Fox
Except to apparently give tween Xavier the most confusing sex dream.

That's from when she first meets a young Charles Xavier by posing as his mom in X-Men: First Class. He calls her out after she acts uncharacteristically nurturing in a kitchen she normally never steps foot in. But what's actually way more astounding than her never doubling in size and stomping around is the fact that psychic Charles was almost convinced in the first place ... much like everyone is convinced by Mystique's ability to perfectly mimic the nuances of a person's personality and body movements.

Let's get one thing clear here: It's one thing to look and sound like someone ... but it's a whole different ball game to act like them. For example, if someone looked and sounded just like your dad but walked and gesticulated like Jeff Goldblum, you would know that person was actually Jeff Goldblum wearing a dad costume. Mystique's mimicry skills are so adept that it took an errant body scar for Wolverine to realize she wasn't Jean Grey in X2. Why Mystique, a woman who can change every aspect of her physical appearance, somehow neglected to remove this scar is a topic for a different article.

20th Century Fox
"I know my kinky sex claws, bub, and these ain't my kinky sex claws."

To put that in a further, more supernatural perspective, Mystique barely knows Jean. Just like she barely knew Senator Kelly, his assistant, or any of the other people she's able to pose as for extended periods of time, successfully bamboozling their co-workers and loved ones for as long as several months. As a superpower, being able to perfectly imitate all the intimate mannerisms built up inside a person just from looking at them borderlines on god-like. At that point, she's not just looking like them, she's absorbing their life essence like some demonic curse, or whatever dark magic is behind Daniel Day-Lewis.

Iron Man's Suit Can Fly 60 Times The Speed Of Sound

Marvel Studios

Recently, the Navy designed a railgun that can send an all-shredding projectile from Washington, D.C., to Philadelphia in three minutes flat. In other words, this terror can pretty much level Jesus Christ riding Godzilla with a saddle at a whopping 5,000 mph. Impressive, right? But that gun can't even graze the ball hair of the scene in Iron Man 3 where Tony escapes Guy Pearce's weird Miami basement by beckoning his suit all the way from the garage of an adorable scamp in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Marvel Studios
If he could do this with liquor stores at closing time, we'd never see Tony Stark again.

Using the power of Google Maps and math: In the 60 seconds it takes his hand armor to arrive, it travels over 780 miles of tender American soil.

via Google Maps
Well, 920 miles if you bothered for ONCE to visit your Great-Uncle Clovis down in Clayhatchee;
his rheumatism's a bear and you still haven't thanked him for last year's birthday card.

That puts the lightly rocket-powered projectile at a motherloving 46,800 mph ... or 60 times the speed of sound, otherwise known as Mach 60. That's beyond hypersonic, closely resembling an orbiting meteor. Tony Stark's fancy robot glove can circle the planet in the time it takes to watch a Simpsons episode. It could get to the moon in five hours, and that bitch just flew it over the Southeastern United States like he was shipping a candygram.

Marvel Studios
This child is deaf now. Hope you're all happy.

Hey, Tony? Having some problems with a murderous robot A.I. trying to hadouken the planet using a small country? Why not just send your fucking boot through him at uber-violent velocity? Is a giant space bug floating around Manhattan? Shatter it to pieces 60 times faster than the speed of sound with your metal-splintering exoskeleton ... you science MONSTER. Forget all the advanced weaponry and armor -- Iron Man is the fastest thing that has ever existed in the history of time. The only thing faster than him is fucking light.

Good god. I'm starting to think these superhero folk are completely ridiculous.

David is on Twitter if you'd like to say hello.

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Also be sure to check out 5 Beloved Superheroes Who Are Actually Really Stupid and The 5 Dumbest Powers Ever Given To Famous Superheroes.

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