I've never understood online gaming: I got into games to get away from people, now you want me to voluntarily share my lush fantasy worlds with some guy named Dave? Fuck you, Dave -- I'm the dragonmaster, and I don't want to talk about your fucking taxes while you ride shotgun. But then something changed. Gaming discovered my cheat code. Games like Borderlands and Destiny came along, meshing RPGs with shooters that rely on careful teamwork, and I was hooked. If you've been playing online games forever, I'm sure you know all of this by now. But it came as news to me when I discovered that every online co-op game is being ruined by ...
#6. The Informative Pothead
If you're not sure if you're playing with this guy, don't worry -- he'll tell you. Only vegans talk more about their lifestyle choices than pothead gamers. Within the first few sentences he speaks, he'll find a way to mention how much weed he has just smoked, what type of weed, the device which he used to smoke it, and his future plans to smoke more. Then he'll "forget" he told you he was stoned and mention it again every five minutes. If you still don't get it, he will loudly take bong rips directly into his microphone until somebody, hopefully, finally gives him the high-five for which he's apparently been left hanging all of his life.
This is a common tragedy that occurs when people mistake a hobby for a personality -- you'll find some version of it in anybody that's way too into anything. The bike girl won't shut up about gear ratios, the fisherman turns every conversation back to trout, and god help you if you meet someone into CrossFit. The only problem is, the pothead gamer is trying to merge two mutually exclusive passions: one that obliterates his reaction time and judgment and one that relies entirely on reaction time and judgment. He will loudly proclaim, without prompt, that he plays better high. But this will seem at odds with the amount of time he spends lost in hallways and staring at his own feet. But it's all OK: He'll make up for the fact that you have to carry him by bringing the music.
By which I mean he will blast shitty rap into his headset.
#5. The Intolerant Professional
Sascha Schuermann/Getty Images News/Getty Images
If you've ever played with the professional, you're probably the professional yourself. He will tolerate nothing less. But on the rare occasion that one of their clanmates shuns their tightly scheduled play time to, I don't know, watch their wife give birth or some stupid crap, the professional will be forced to associate with the unwashed masses. If that happens, and you wind up on his team, it'll be like getting dirty talked by a robot. He cannot fucking believe you're using subpar DPS strategies and oh my Jesus lord fucking Christ in hell are you seriously following an Echo Bomb with Aura Of Damnation what the shitting fuck are you even doing?!
The professional will try, briefly and without vigor, to explain to you what you're doing wrong. But there's just too much of it -- he would have to write some sort of online encyclopedia, hyperlinking your every mistake to a YouTube video of him doing it correctly and actually that's a great idea! He's starting one right now, as he's playing this game, and his K/D is still higher than yours.
The professional literally does not understand how somebody can have fun without doing their homework first. He's the kid that raised his hand in class and reminded the teacher that there was supposed to be a quiz today, and he brings that attitude to shooting magical robot goblins in the face. Nobody knows the rules of this fantasy world better than the professional, and nobody gives less of a shit about the concept of fantasy than the professional. If it's any consolation, you'll win every match you're in with him. If you don't notice that fact, don't worry: He'll let you know.
#4. The Macho Suicide Quitter
Nobody talks a better game than this guy. If there's something impressive to be done in the game, he's done it. That raid boss? He soloed it. While drunk. It wasn't even a big deal. That prime piece of equipment? He had it, once, but he found it made the game too easy so he threw it away. If you find yourself on his team, he's taking point. He's Rambo, and you're, like, Rambo's pants or something. You're just along for the ride. He will have a questionably Latino gamertag, or possibly something referencing an energy drink. Nothing is ever his fault. The game is glitching, somebody's cheating, his controller's broken, this never happens, honestly.
Ladies, if this doesn't sound familiar, just wait 'til he gets done gaming and comes to bed. It will.
This guy isn't here to have fun; he's here to win, and he doesn't experience either very often. He'll rage, swear, and froth into the mic, brag about his skills, immediately throw a grenade up his own ass and explode, then blame it on you and quit. Then he'll tell the next group he joins that they seriously wouldn't believe his last group -- they were so bad it was absurd. You guys aren't like that, right? If he's wasting his time, just let him know now so he can get out of here. No? You guys are ready? OK, but he's taking point ...