6 Insane Batman Comics Courtesy of Tasty Hostess Cupcakes

In the late 70s and early 80s, you couldn't get through a comic without seeing a one-page ad involving a highly improbable scenario where a well-known super hero had to save the world using nothing but the power of delicious Hostess snack cakes.

Through countless hours thumbing through old comic books in dozens of collections and stores, I can safely say that I have read every super hero Hostess ad in the world. Below are six examples of the ridiculous bullshit Batman had to put up with in the name of making children fat...

This would be a prime example of the Hostess integrated super hero advertisement strategy. This old ad for Hostess Cup Cakes begins with Pigeon Woman stealing the Statue of Liberty. With pigeons. How the fuck is Batman going to get from there to "PURCHASE HOSTESS CUP CAKES, CHILDREN" in one page (and in the original ad, just five panels)? He'll find a way, because he's the goddamned Batman. Although, really anyone with access to bread crumbs would do.

It's normal for super villains to take one million extra steps to reach a simple goal. Pigeon Woman, however, moves monuments by hypnotizing vermin, which equals out to one million steps taken to accomplish absolutely nothing. Also, Pigeon Person seemed really upset about Robin calling her Pigeon Woman. Maybe she has a dong?

Ah, I'd still hit it.

The above panel is the only explanation of Pigeon Woman's plan we get: "An America without statues is an America without a past." Even if that was remotely true, what? Is her plan really to rebuild America over the remains of its forgotten, statue-less past? Is she hoping that we'll all go, "Wait, where are all the statues... w-what is this place? Maybe even, who am I!? Oh, hi lady... I-I mean "person." I see you like pigeons. Will it be you who leads this brand new country?"

This plan is of course, nonsense. Maybe she'd collected so many pigeons that they'd run out of things to shit on and she was too embarrassed to tell Batman that that's why she was stealing the Statue of Liberty.

Fortunately the Army saves absolutely nobody by using tax payer money to help Batman drop cup cakes to distract the pigeons.

This somehow proves the cupcakes are delicious, even though pigeons get excited when they find a wet napkin in the trash, and would eat disease out of a hobo's hand.

Calling these alligator things "Intergalactic" (repeatedly) is totally unnecessary. They're wearing bloomers and there's lightning bolts on their chest. Of course they're intergalactic. Either that or they're a karate team spreading their positive message to special education schools. But then it would make no sense for them to be eating bars of gold at Fort Knox.

Fortunately, Batman gets there in time to paint a giant blue bat on the wall:

Apparently, the guard has elected to just LET the crocodiles eat the gold? Apparently, his employee handbook was missing the chapter called "Motherfucker, get out of Fort Knox and put on some pants. I will SHOOT YOU."

Also, while I would not presume to place my knowledge of nutritional science over that of the experts in the Hostess advertising department, maybe we shouldn't be telling children that painting another substance the same color as your favorite food makes it edible.

Catman truly was on the prowl. But only if one defines "prowl" as "dressed as a child predator signal flare and talking to oneself."

Also, some simple cat science: when you want your girlfriend to make you cupcakes, you don't fill the oven with cats, and when you want someone to call off their cats, you don't fill their mouth with cupcakes.

Robin... Batman is being killed. You need to help him with the giant cats. Don't throw the one person capable of stopping them a cup cake. By now, you should know he's just going to give a monologue about how tasty the choclatey icing is. When he's finally finished, you'll be waiting for jungle predators to shit out your friend with Catman laughing until delicious moist crumbs are coming out his nose.