6 Snobby Claims That Science Has Officially Debunked

Last week I tried to take on the snobs and, I'm sorry to say, I lost. You have to believe me, I tried. I did the research, man. I read into the facts. I wanted to prove the snobs wrong, but ... every story I read, every study I researched proved the snobs right. They were ... just too snobby for me. I failed. I let you down. I let all of you down. In the end, I could only fall to my knees, shake my fist at the sky, and scream, "I'll get you next time, snobs!"

And this is it. This is next time. And it's our time. Our time to defeat the snobs. Are you with me? Then step into my teleporter, fellow snob-fighters; it's time for us to journey out into the world and discover ...

#6. Fancy Running Shoes Do Nothing

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BAM. You find yourself in a sporting goods store. The "bam" sound you just heard was a guy knocking a weight off the top of a high shelf. Before you looms a massive shelf of running shoes of every variety, price, and color: from human-fat white to involuntary-bile-secretion green to gangrenous-injury black. The prices are just as varied, including $35 shoes that are basically just burlap wraps around your feet and a $220 designer series made out of yak leather. Well, that's no fucking contest at all, right? Clearly the $220 black ones, right? Because black is the color of night and mystery (both of which describe you) and yak leather is better than normal leather because yaks are cows that got really into their grunge phase.

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Look at this beast and tell me it doesn't own pre-Incesticide Nirvana bootlegs.

And, sure, it's "a lot of money," but what is money next to the health of your pelvis, and your knees, and your feet, and probably your spine and stuff? Nothing! In fact, if you think otherwise, you're probably an idiot!

Pshaw. Right. Say the snobs.

The Wonderfully Vindicating Science

Oh, sorry snobs, just one thing: no studies have ever found that expensive shoes reduce the chance of injury. Turns out a lot of the running jargon -- like the word "pronation," which describes how much your feet curve as they hit the ground -- is just distracting, and relying on specific shoes to "fix" issues can cause further injury. There's also the weird psychological trend toward seeking out danger: studies have found that when runners buy expensive shoes with fancy padding, they end up with more injuries, probably because they feel invincible.

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"I can still go out! My foam insole prevents bounce-back!"

So, what's the answer? Turns out you just have to listen to what your feet are telling you. But then you have to learn that language of the feet.

#5. Organic Food Isn't Any Healthier

Trinette Reed/Blend Images/Getty Images

BLAMAGAZOO. Now you're in a grocery store. I've teleported you again. That "blamagazoo" was the sound of a cashier's childhood dying. Before you looms shelves of food, stretched out like a thousand tiny, can-shaped people standing at rapt, dignified attention for you -- the Infuser of Judgment, He Who Decides What Is Eaten. The God Mouth. Some of the food is marked "organic" and some isn't, which, gosh, that seems like the easiest decision in the world since you really shouldn't eat inorganic matter like plastic or candy corn.

arinahabich/iStock/Getty Images
It's not fucking food, you guys.

Ugh. Now I'm being snobby. Everyone knows that "organic" just refers to food that was created without synthetic growth hormones, antibiotics, or other unnatural chemicals. And you don't want that gross stuff in your body, right? This is your body! It's a goddamn temple!

Haha! How foolish the snobs are. How foolish indeed.

The Wonderfully Vindicating Science

Turns out that, as far as nutrition goes, organic fruits and vegetables are no better than the alternative. The reason you see so many conflicting results on these studies is, simply, because the nutritional quality of different vegetables varies so much, based on sheer jack-doodle-dancing chance. One carrot could have three times as much Magic Eyesight Dust as the carrot growing next to it, just because the vision fairy sneezed on it extra hard that June.

You guys are following me, right? Sometimes I wonder if my parents just made up all the mythology they taught me.

And it's not just fruits and vegetables: this Washington Post analysis went through all the known literature about every type of organic food and found repeatedly that, again, the differences were inconsequential. Organic food had the same or comparable health risks as its hideously unattractive non-organic twin. Turns out that food is just food, snobs, and all you can do is ritualistically and habitually eat it in a vain effort to stave off the grim specter of death.

Haha. Snobs.

#4. Having a Tidy Desk Doesn't Necessarily Make You a Better Worker

Thomas Northcut/Digital Vision/Getty Images

SCRUNCH. Now you're in your childhood home. The "scrunch" you heard was the sound of your head crashing through the drywall. Sorry about that; I sorta screwed up my calculations there. But I know the pain in your head is nothing compared with the feeling of irritation when your parents used to hassle you about your desk and room not being properly cleaned up! I mean, their bookshelf was always so organized, even though it was like three times as big as your desk, and how is that even fair? Right? Right? What snobs your parents were!

Back before they got "too good" for living on their own and started needing hoity-toity 24-hour care to survive and to remind them what their names are. But boy will they be embarrassed when you show them ...

The Wonderfully Vindicating Science

Turns out that a messy desk can be a great boon for your creative drive. It's not that tidiness is bad, just that neater habits and messier habits both have their own strengths: messy people tend to be more creative, while tidy people tend to eat more healthily and give to charity.

Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty
I don't make the rules, man.

So suck it, mom. It's me, mom. Can you try to remember just this once?

Please?

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J.F. Sargent

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