5 Things People Claim to Hate That Are Suspiciously Popular

Ever notice how much more hatred something gets as its popularity grows? And how if it gets really popular, it seems like everyone in the world turns against it, which sort of makes no sense at all? Why the hell does that happen? Luckily for you, I saw an episode of Jake and the Fatman on the retro channel, so I'm pretty confident that I can put some clues together and crack this tasty nut, and we can all feast on the meaty goodness I find within. Come, grab some nuts with me!

Example 1: Nickelback

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Tell me your Nickelback jokes. Did you know that Nickelback was voted the second-worst band of the '90s by Rolling Stone? It came in right behind Creed, a band that literally crawled out of a toilet and into a studio (according to this guy I know). Other magazines have voted the Canadian crud crooners the worst band of all time. For years now (getting close to 20, in fact, if you can believe it), people have called these guys the worst. And yet how many bands ever last 20 years? Plus have five platinum-selling albums?

Nickelback is, without a doubt, the most popular hated band in the world. No band can claim as many non-fans while still being this popular. It boggles the mind. If literally everyone in the world is to be believed, no one has really listened to a Nickelback song except on the radio by accident as they scrambled to change the channel. And yet they sold 12 million singles off their second album, and 9 million ringtones. Who the fuck are those people? Who made that album triple platinum?

So we have to accept that not only is Nickelback a well-liked band, they're incredibly well-liked. They're hugely popular -- they're one of the biggest acts in the world, on par with Coldplay, U2, Madonna, and Beyonce. Their 2009 tour pulled in over $100 million. That's a lot of money for being awful.

Example 2: McDonald's

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People talk about McDonald's the way I assume everyone talked about Lenny from Of Mice and Men when he wasn't around. It's a thing that exists, but in a way you find shameful and mildly repulsive. That's how people talk about it. Jim Gaffigan has a great bit about how people react to the idea of McDonald's, as though if you suggested eating there, you may as well suggest having dessert in the rotten, exposed bowels of a roadkill possum. Also, McDonald's has an annual revenue of nearly $30 billion. That's more than twice the GDP of Iceland.

Clearly, the world loves McDonald's. Maybe you hate McDonald's, but I honestly don't believe you hate it. I believe, maybe, you don't want to eat there for health reasons, but you probably love the way their shit tastes. Taste that shit. It's delicious. McDonald's fries are just really fucking good. And I know Big Macs could kill me, but I also know that they probably won't, and that's all the reason I need to eat those delicious goddamn burgers. And I am not alone, because I don't have $30 billion a year to spend on Big Macs, so obviously other people are eating there, too.

Example 3: The Kardashians

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Remember when Kim Kardashian's ass broke the internet? Yeah, no. Someone should have let Paper magazine, the periodical for all your wallpapering needs, know that there are so many asses already on the Internet, and they're doing way more exotic things than Kim's greased-up heinie did. But that aside, that asinine ass moment caused one hell of a ruckus, as people all over Hell's half acre started to go on and on (again) about how shitty or useless or slutty or pathetic or ugly or lame Kim Kardashian is. Why? That's how the Kardashians affect people.

In Kim's defense, having an ass doesn't make her a slut, because most of us seem to have asses, and we're getting by alright. If the picture was of her with her ass jammed pull of bananas and butt plugs as it gasped and puckered like an insatiable sarlacc, then maybe the slut label would have more merit. And I'm also just going to toss this out there: that's a pretty awesome ass. Like, I get angry looking at that ass, because Kanye West is clearly a dick face and he gets to draw faces on that ass or put nickels in it for fun or whatever, and I feel left out. I'd do literally everything with Kim Kardashian's ass. And the rest of her. This is becoming way more sexist than I'd planned.

As for the Kardashians themselves, they've had a stupid popular show on TV for a decade now (Stupid can be used in both ways. Just because I'm defending them doesn't mean I don't think their sucky show doesn't suck. It fucking sucks). In fact, Keeping Up with the Kardashians routinely pulls in three to four million viewers an episode, and that's like three times what Mulaney pulls in. Mulaney!

Example 4: Twilight

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The Twilight films have grossed over $3 billion worldwide to date, while the books have sold 120 million copies in 38 languages. Can you even name 38 languages? There are people who speak languages you weren't even aware of who know just how idiotic the romance between Bertrice-Khan and Nougat was (Note: I don't remember the names of the characters, and didn't think looking it up would improve this section of the article).

Now, online you'll find no end of people making fun of Twilight for its terrible writing, terrible characters, terrible acting, terrible story, and terrible romance. There's even the "still a better love story than Twilight" meme to make further mockery of the douchiness of the franchise. And yet that all stands in stark contrast to the fact that 120 million copies of a book and $3 billion worth of movie is a shitload of interest in something that is pretty obviously horrible and shit-like.

Example 5: Walmart

Tim Boyle/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Remember when I said that McDonald's has worldwide revenue of $33 billion? That was a lot, huh? Walmart made $474 billion last year. There are 164 countries in the world that don't have a GDP that high. And you know you can't name a single chain store on Earth that gets made fun of more than Walmart. If Walmart were a person, it'd be an overweight hairy guy with face chlamydia. The customers get made fun of, the quality of the products gets made fun of, the employees get made fun of, and the abhorrent corporate practices of the suits behind it get made fun of. And it's bigger than any other retail outlet in the world.

Any time a Walmart comes into a town, people piss and moan about how it steals jobs and puts mom and pop stores out of work. Then they notice that a lot of people get jobs, even If they aren't great quality, and that Walmart charges 50 percent less than those crooks Mom and Pop, plus they have way more stuff. And a $5 DVD bin. You can't help but love Walmart once it's there, because it makes everything easier and cheaper for you. Plus, maybe you can take a picture of some lady shopping in her stained nightgown and send it to the People of Walmart blog.

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Felix Clay

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