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If you were to ask most law enforcement professionals what the biggest problem is in the world today, I am absolutely certain that they would give you the same two answers: knife culture and Satanic cults. It's true, too. I can't tell you how many times I've had my day ruined by the hordes of machete-wielding Devil-worshippers that are stalking our streets in unavoidable millions, and if you're like me you're always looking for tips on how you can help prevent Satan crimes.

Fortunately, as with all things, we can find the answer on VHS. In this case, it's a police training video from 1994 called The Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults, and trust me, it is amazing.

The whole video is available on YouTube, but since the worship of the Devil and his unholy legion of crooks are an extremely pressing concern for all of us, I've gone through to find five crucial tips for dealing with Satanic cult crime.

Dress Comfortably

The first thing you'll notice about our host, cop/pastor Gordon L. Coulter -- a dude who has almost certainly written an unpublished manuscript called PastorCop: One Man's Holy Battle Against Satanic Crime -- is that he has armored himself for the fight against the Devil with a variety of comfy sweaters. It makes sense; if there's one thing we know about Satan, it's that he prefers the evil done in his name to happen on chilly days. Is that a cold wind you feel, or is it the icy breath of Lucifer himself? Neither, if you're wearing a sweater that has been prayed over by the forces of Christian Law. Please note that drinking hot cocoa made from Holy Water is optional but encouraged.

"Satan hates those little marshmallows."

If your Anti-Devil sweater proves to be too bulky for the action-packed world of cult-fighting, more advanced God Warriors can upgrade to a windbreaker that has a collar that looks like the opening credits of In Living Color.

"Mustaches are also helpful in trapping Satan's words from ever escaping your lips."

Know the Warning Signs

You might think that 1994 is a little late for someone to be this worried about Devil crimes, especially given that the Satanic Panic of the late '80s had been pretty thoroughly debunked for everyone who was not actually drawing Jack Chick comics, yet Reverend Officer Coulter remains undeterred. He launches immediately into breaking down the signs of Satanic activity in your community, like grave-robbing, human sacrifice, and video games.

Of course, Coulter is sure to note that video games are more the tool of the dabbler in Satanic cults than the hardcore grave-robber, but I think we've all suspected that the Super Nintendo was in fact Beelzebub's greatest weapon in the war against Christ. There may, however, be more subtle signs, too, like, say, 666 and inverted crosses spray-painted on trees, as we learn when Eric Pryor, a mulleted Christian who used to be involved with Satan, takes us to the park to look for signs of Devil worship and animal sacrifice. As he tells us, "There's two different communities that use this park. One is the pagan, or occultic, community, and the other, of course, is the homosexual community. Interestingly enough, they go hand-in-hand."

"Gaygans, if you will."

Amazingly, Pryor is able to discover multiple markings left by recent Satanic rituals in just one walk through the park. Markings that, oddly enough, all appear to have been sprayed from the same can of white spray paint, which coincidentally shows up very well on film, and which is fresh enough to smear when he touches it! It's almost like the crew shooting the video went down there to plant a bunch of different Satanic symbols for Pryor to tell us about, but let's be real here: it's way more likely that the crew of The Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults just missed eight or nine simultaneous Black Masses by 15 minutes.

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Stay the Hell out of That Park

Don't get me wrong, a citywide commitment to diversity is admirable, but I'd really question the practice of building a park just for the occult and homosexual communities. Probably best to just stay out of it. Unless you're gay or into Satan, I mean. If that's the case, go nuts, bring a picnic and a Frisbee. Really make a day of it.

"Hopscotch, for the kids!"

Learn the Rituals

Now that you're familiar with the ritual sites that are scattered throughout literally every seemingly God-fearing park in America, it's time to learn about exactly what they do there, but be warned: these 100 percent real and extremely common crimes may chill you to your very soul!

First, of course, is the initiation and its promise to sacrifice children to the Devil, which explains why you can't go more than five or six minutes without hearing about another kid who was sacrificed to the Devil by some impressionable teen. Were they just smoking LSD ... or is there a more sinister force at work?

After that, they move on to the natural next step: black market bone sales.

"When finished with the ritual, they take them home, throw them in a pot, add some broth and a potato."

Forget about a paper route -- the most profitable after-school job for kids these days is grave-robbing and dealing skulls to Satanists craving a ritualistic fix. Be on guard if you hear your teen talking about "getting a boner," as that could indicate a shipment of smuggled femurs has arrived!

Another sure sign that your kids have fallen in with the Author of All Lies: they believe that the head is the most important part of the body.

"For everyone's safety, no brains were used in the production of this video."

If you notice your child indicating that anything other than the righteous fist is a crucial part of their anatomy, contact a pastor, a cop, or -- preferably -- a PastorCop immediately.

Incidentally, over the course of this video, no fewer than two law enforcement professionals say that grave robbery is the No. 1 crime that you're going to end up dealing with when it comes to Satanic cults, and while we have no reason to not believe anything this video presents as fact, I have to say I'm surprised by this. I mean, I like to think I keep up with the news pretty well, and I hear about only six or seven grave-robberies in my neighborhood every year, at most.

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Get a Sexy Bikini Model to Lie on Your Bed and Pretend to Be the Victim of a Satanic Murder

Obviously, all the VHS tapes in the world are no substitute for practical training. Now, you could go down to the local park and find a sacrificial victim from one of the dozens of rituals that occur in every public space every night, but it's always a good idea to get some experience before you head out into the field. Obviously, you need a sexy bikini girl.

Make sure that you have the proper environment for an investigation: soft lighting, diaphanous curtains, a few Roman columns for atmosphere. Make sure to take extra care as you draw the pentagram across her taut stomach, imagining the kind of sinful, sensuous desires that would drive someone to embrace a life of hedonism in the name of Satan, and making sure to note, as PastorCop Coulter does, that sometimes, "a penis is placed inside the mouth."

"Allow me to demonstrate."

Don't worry -- it's totally normal and necessary, for the triumph of good over evil.

For more from Chris, check out The Craziest Karate Robot Motorcycle Movie Ever Made and 3 Books from Dinosaur Erotica's Most Prolific Author.

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