Nobody wants a bad, but a lot of our behaviors just about guarantee a bad. We leave ourselves open to major problems without even realizing it on a daily basis -- and not just "the sky is falling" fears. These are all things that absolutely could lead to a horrible week. Like, you are definitely guilty of ...
#5. Leaving Your Laptop Out At Starbucks While You Pee
When you ask the bespectacled maybe-a-lawyer at the table next to you to watch your computer while you take your morning pee (read: coffee dump), you're really saying, "Hi! Sorry, would you mind confronting a criminal on my behalf, possibly at great personal risk to your physical safety? I'm a stranger." This is absurd. What you should do is have social anxiety so great that you don't even ask anyone, instead leaving your $1,000+ possession out in the open, like Nemo in that part of Finding Nemo where Nemo is in danger.
Ohhhhhh careful, little guy!!!
Or maybe you're not worried at all. Maybe you're just so trusting, and so unwilling to risk losing your hard-earned table by packing up your laptop, and also you think wearing a catheter for non-medical reasons is "weird." So you head off to the powder room without a care in the world. This is like leaving a stack of hundos out in public and just trusting that no one has opposable thumbs.
The only reason laptops exist is that they're portable. You carried it to the coffee store, and you will later carry it out of the coffee store (unless you are tragically walled-in, like in "The Telltale Heart"). Thieves are not Thumbelina-sized; they are in fact the same size as you and I. We may assume that opportunistic thieves have hands -- unless both have been chopped off by an overzealous fruit market security guard. My particular laptop is a MacBook Air Mini, which weighs about as much as the coffee I'm holding. It could be easily carried off by any number of low-dexterity thieves, like a child with brittle bone disease, or someone on day five of the Master Cleanse, or a particularly determined sea bird.
That plant looks like it might be getting ideas.
The probability of theft is uncertain, but the possibility? 100 percent. It is physically possible for someone to carry off your laptop into oblivion, along with your honeymoon pictures and pirated copy of Final Draft. So why leave ourselves open to this nightmare? Instead, always bring a sweatshirt and a newspaper, use that to claim your table, and bring your foldy-robot into the bathroom with you.
#4. Eating Unwashed Produce
I don't know about you guys, but I only wash apples when someone important is watching.
I don't like getting my hands wet, and I'm very lazy. Usually, I just opt for a hearty rub on my sweatshirt, as if that's going to make it clean. No harm, no foul, right? We're all gonna die, so what's the point in getting your hands all wet to maybe make your apple a little safer?
Well, here are all the things lurking on the surface of your apple:
- Bacteria from soil
- Dirt from the ground
- Dust and rat droppings from sitting in storage
- Bird feces from bird hole
- Pesticide residue from pesticide
- MONSANTO CHEMTRAILS
- Bad thoughts
The chemtrail ghost is the most feared of them all.
Generally, these things pass through your body unnoticed. But in some cases, you can get diarrhea, worms, or a rare condition called ghost-in-butt disease. Scared yet?
Breathe easy, comrade. Here's the FDA's approximately 100-step process for washing produce:
- Wash your hands first with soap and warm water for 20 seconds. To keep track of how long 20 seconds is, sing "Happy Birthday" twice or the "I Love To Wash My Produce" song once. (Lyrics: "Oh, I love to wash my produce / Because I'm an ass-kisser who never makes mistakes / I also pay my taxes early / My whole life is tidy and I've never had weird sex / My name is Claire or Seth, probably / I love lawn games / I don't like it when dogs try to get petted by me / I have an air purifier in every room / My spirit animal is a Brita pitcher / I can't laugh")
- Slice off any parts of your apple that are bruised, mushy, or moldy. You are a petting zoo goat, so it's understandable for them to include this seemingly intuitive advice.
Looks fine to me.
- Wash under running water -- not in a puddle in the middle of a baseball field, or in stagnant water in an upside-down trash can lid on the side of your house, or in a pond clearly marked "CHOLERA."
- Even if you're going to peel your apple (because you regularly excise life's little pleasures), you should still wash it first, because the germs and dirts can get onto the eat-parts. Do not allow this to happen. Your body is a temple, and the temple is clean.
- You should still wash your produce even if you bought it from a farmer's market or grew it in your home garden. Just because you're better than everyone else doesn't mean you can skip steps.
- No need to buy a special produce wash. That would be ridiculous! Could you imagine actually spending money on a product just for washing fruit? Ha ha ha!
- Scrub with a produce brush, a product just for washing fruit.
Or you could say "Screw you, FDA!" and get creative.
- Rub the fruit with a dry terrycloth towel after washing. Rub the towel on the fruit. Give the fruit a towel-rub. Pretend the fruit is a dog and you just brought the dog in from the rain. Rub the fruit with a towel. Do not ask why. Give a rub to the fruit.
- Wash your hands again. Why? Because ... you have to? Because you have to. Do not ask questions. The fruit is in charge now.
Now that you've spent four hours preparing your apple for your mouth the way Hebrews in the Book of Exodus prepared rams for sacrifice, you are free to bite into it for body-sustenance. Make sure not to enjoy it. Enjoyment attracts germs. Any possibility of having worms is not worth it. But also, do you own a produce brush?
#3. Driving A Car
People often reassure fearful flyers by telling them they're more likely to die in a car wreck than a plane crash. I hear that and think, "I am going to die in a car wreck." And honestly? There's a 1 in 113 chance I'm right.
An airline pilot is a licensed pilot. There are very few drivers at 30,000 feet. The hotshot rich weirdo flying his private jet for the first time is likely to be the only asshole causing problems for anyone. Driving, however, is a massive metallic jumble of pollution-belching robots steered by angry, tired, drunk humans who have no idea what they're doing. So why are we using car facts to make people feel less nervous during the three times a year they get on a plane? I'm gonna need way more facts about poop germs on seatback tray tables to make up for how terrified I am of getting in a car.
How I picture the average trip to the bank.
I do have a license, and used to drive locally a little bit. But after years of living in New York (Gotham, the Big Apple, City of Dreams, America's New York), I don't think I could back out of a driveway without shitting myself. I'm sure if I lived somewhere that required me to drive to commute, I'd get used to it, but as a non-driver, I'm terrified. I rented a car when I visited LA two years ago, and I cried every single day out of sheer terror. All I could picture was everything bad that could happen: I slam into an oil tanker, I slam into a sedan containing a grandmother and mother and two kids and they all die and I'm fine, I slam into a school bus full of promising youngsters on their way to STEM camp, I slam into a rare deer, I get slammed into by a beloved celebrity so no one will ever suspect they killed someone, or worst of all, I get in a manageable car accident that was my fault and have to pull over and the other person yells at me and I have to answer cop questions and it's hot out and everyone's mad. Dying in a car accident is actually not so bad, because you're dead. The worst is that most drivers who cause deadly accidents survive and aren't injured at all. I do not understand how anyone can get behind the wheel every day knowing the untold carnage that could result.
Speaking of phobias ...