5 Reasons I'm Not Sorry for Burning Down Your Walmart

Dear Walmart #6908,

You don't know me. Not by name, anyways. The police are referring to me as a person of interest. Internally, you're probably referring to me as the guy who set fire to your store.

You're probably quite reasonably asking why I did this. "Who would commit such an act?" I imagine you saying. Well, notwithstanding my love for committing acts, this time I had some pretty good reasons. Here they are.

#5. You Kind of Deserved It

Let's get this one out of the way early. You, the management of Walmart #6908, are a huge bag of dinks.

The biggest.

You may have noticed that your Black Friday event was on a Thursday. That seems to me an odd mistake to make; after all, the name "Black Friday" itself contains some pretty valuable clues as to what day of the week it should occur on. Anyone who's taken an introductory calendar skills course should be able to schedule such an event properly.

"No, the squares represent days. Do we ... do we have to start again?"

In fact, I'm pretty sure that you deliberately scheduled your Black Friday event on a Thursday, knowing full well that your employees and customers would be forced to skip Thanksgiving to be there. I have a hard time imagining why you'd do this -- profit alone can't be enough, surely -- and am forced to conclude that you were actually trying to steal Thanksgiving, like some kind of turkey-loathing Grinch, living in your hilltop cave, listening to us in the city below as we sing our traditional Thanksgiving songs.

So I think you can agree that you were acting at least a little bit like a bag of dinks, and any damages you suffered on that dark and mis-scheduled night could be considered an act of karmic retribution.

#4. I Didn't Even Start the First Fire

Admittedly, none of your customers seemed to have a problem skipping Thanksgiving, although that may simply be because they had trouble with the concept of "thanks," much as they did with concepts like "please" and "Sorry for spitting in your hair." Now, on an individual basis, I'm sure these are all excellent, upstanding people; there's no crime in wanting to save money. But en masse, I'm sad to say that their excellence wanes and fades and farts away.

A situation you put them in, I might point out. Stacking your customers 200 deep, ensuring that they have less turkey in their bellies than they would normally prefer and telling them that only the fastest and punchiest will get the best deals? You knew what was going to happen even before you opened those doors.

Being near the back of the crowd, it took me a couple of minutes to get to the doors, so I didn't see how it started. But by the time I made it inside the store, it already looked like a Gomorrah of Everyday Low Prices.

"And lo, they came, and demanded that the Rollbacks be brought forth, so that the men might have intercourse with them."

#3. Seriously, You Assholes Deserved It So Much

The primary reason I was there on Mislabeled Friday was to secure one of your "door-crashers," specifically the Crap-E-Print Printer you advertised for $29.99.

It was going to be a gift.

It was probably the printers themselves causing the fires, I now realize, so shoddily built they were, bursting into flames with even the slightest of mishandling. Indeed, by the time I found the pallet of them, the surrounding area was already littered with printers bursting into shoddy, low-quality flames. So crappy, low-quality products -- that's another strike against you.

Also, could you assholes not come up with a better way of putting door-crashers on display other than by hastily unwrapping a pallet of them in the middle of a mob? Animals at the zoo are fed with more dignity.

And more creativity.

I won't go into all the details of how I secured my own printer, but know that it involved no small amount of guile and childish screaming.

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Chris Bucholz

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