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Movie sex scenes are strange to me. With few exceptions, they rarely advance the plot in any significant way and we don't learn anything from them. They're also almost always filmed differently from the rest of the movie. Like, you'll be watching a standard comedy or action film and as soon as we get into a sex scene, we get a softly lit, montage-heavy bit that is visually indistinguishable from a softcore porn.

Columbia Pictures
Two shots from the same movie, somehow.

It's weird. It'd be like inserting a bizarre, black-and-white art house film of flowers blooming in slow motion in the middle of a big, dumb action movie.

Universal Studios, Tilmann Vogt/iStock/Getty Images
From Terry Gilliam's Furious 7.

Sex scenes in general have always felt like a cheap excuse to see a famous person naked. They're the scenes I used to love because I used to be a 13-year-old boy, but now they're gratuitous, filler scenes that occupy screentime on Game Of Thrones that could otherwise be filled with goddamn dragons.

So, in this month's Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder (above), I watched and rewatched a bunch of movie sex scenes, from the boner-chomping insanity of Bram Stoker's Dracula to the terrifying forced bestiality of Teen Wolf.

The only scene I wanted to include but didn't was from Nothing In Common, a Tom Hanks and Jackie Gleason movie from the '80s. I watched that movie when I was a kid, and I'm almost positive there's a scene where Tom Hanks and a woman fall in love that is undercut with two horses fucking romantically. It's possible that I'm remembering that wrong, and if I AM wrong, I never want to know about it, so I refused to rewatch the movie, opting instead to hold onto my memory forever.

FUN BONUS FACT:

If your co-workers catch you watching a bunch of sex scenes at work over and over again, the following explanations will not work:

- "It's a virus, IT is working on it, but could you dim the lights in here, though?"

"Why am I watching porn at work? I could ask YOU the same thing." And then turn the computer around so now your boss is watching the porn. "Boom. That will be one promotion, please."

- "I'm actually watching a psychology documentary about ink blots; if you see Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek fucking, that says way more about you than it does me."

- (with tears) "My great aunt was three sexy vampires and she died this week. Watching this sex scene from Dracula is the only way I can feel close to her. Could you please dim the lights in here? It's for my mourning."


Daniel O'Brien is the head writer for Cracked and author of How To Fight Presidents, which you can buy right now! John Hodgman calls it "very funny," and Beyonce has currently not yet read it.

Be sure to follow us on Facebook and YouTube, where you can catch all our video content such as 4 Hilarious Behind-The-Scene Details Of A Movie Sex Scene and other videos you won't see on the site!

For more from Daniel, check out 4 Reasons Why Bad Movies Are Allowed to Happen and How a Comedy Article Got Me Placed On the No-Fly List.

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