5 Authentic Products That Are Secretly Made By Corporations

People trust small companies for a variety of reasons. Sometimes we want to support the little guy. Sometimes we want quality that can only be produced in small batches. Personally, I'm just looking for more things to feel superior about. Whatever your reasons, it is annoying to find out that your artisanal pizza rolls aren't actually made by Mama Totino; they're made by a multinational corporation that goes to great lengths to make their mass-produced, robot-built products look handcrafted.

Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of that going on. It's like you can't even trust product marketing anymore. Take, for example ...

#5. Most Popular Craft Beers

werener22brigitte/Pixabay

Craft beers exploded in the last decade, largely in response to the fact that Budweiser is so watery that it should be handed out in little paper cups to marathon runners. Pro tip for you: Researchers at MIT found that you can improve it by adding a couple drops of vinegar. Pro tip for Budweiser: Stop it.

Regardless, people wanted something that had been thoughtfully made to be appreciated, so craft beer took off like one of those toy rockets you fill with water and then pump up. Except filled with beer. Apologies to all college campuses and funeral homes for the fraternities who just adopted that as a new method for shotgunning booze.

Via Michal Richard Trowbridge
"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"

There's a perception that most craft beers are owned by bearded hipsters trying to engineer a beer so hoppy it can start nuclear fission. While that may be true of the 1,700 small breweries cataloged by the Brewers Association, you haven't heard of 1,697 of them. That's because you (understandably) don't want to sample hundreds of beers made in the basements of Linkin Park fans in order to find one good one. You just want to go to the grocery store and grab a six-pack that will make your brother-in-law respect you.

Gigantic beer companies are aware of this, so they've tried to get into niche markets. Budweiser tried making more specific types than simply "beer," but got lackluster results. So instead they have been buying up the competition, turning once-beloved breweries into pod people versions of their former selves.

Today, most craft beers that get distribution are drone brands controlled by one of the beer giants. For example, Anheuser-Busch InBev owns 200 brands and has a controlling share in many of your favorites. They're a company so big that they categorize Busch as a "local brand." The only way Busch is a local brand for you is if your address is "every frat house in America."

Via Busch.com
What you don't see is that all that ice is packed in a bathtub.

These companies are fighting such an uphill battle with their image that when they acquired Elysian, they had them keep the slogan "Corporate Beer Still Sucks." Budweiser is like an unpopular kid who pays a cool kid to hang out with them. But Bud can't even tell them to ease up on their sick burns, because it would look suspicious.

#4. Cute Cleaning Products

PublicDomanPictures / Pixabay

A lot of the time, our desire for products made on a small scale is rooted in a distrust of large corporations. With all those moving parts, who knows what cost-cutting carcinogens they're putting in our hand soap? That's why customers are attracted to brands like Method. It isn't some big, faceless corporation. It's just two unsupervised guys messing around with industrial chemicals. Wholesome!

A good example is Mrs. Meyer's cleaning products. They have done very well marketing themselves as an eco-friendly, independent supplier of cleaners without the harsh chemicals. Their branding is so good that even the name brings to mind a sweet old lady who uses homemade vinegar to clean everything. Plus, they have an endearing retro label with bright colors and too much text. It looks like a cleaner made by a quaint, kindhearted person who really cared about making the world a better place.

Via Mrsmeyers.com
It seriously looks like a middle school consumer ed final project.

By that, I don't mean it looks like it was made by a hypothetical whimsical do-gooder. I mean it looks like a ripoff of an actual soap made by a real whimsical do-gooder:


The number-one rule to make your product look homemade: shitty packaging.

If this were an article about a TV show, we'd clearly be on the verge of a really obvious reveal that Dr. Bronner and Mrs. Meyer are siblings. Instead, this is an article about how Mrs. Meyer's and Method and the like are trying to insinuate that they're like Dr. Bronner's. They aren't. They're owned by SC Johnson and Ecover, respectively.

These companies are trying to use sleight of hand to trick us into thinking that's what they're selling, as though we're a bunch of idiots. Well, I've got news for them: We are a bunch of idiots. Too idiotic to realize that treating us this way is perfectly reasonable.

#3. Organic Eggs

Pezibear / Pixabay

The inside of an egg carton may contain eggs, but the outside reads like they're selling you weapons-grade "aw shucks." They've got handwritten fonts and cartoons of chickens that look they were drawn by the horse-damaged Wilson boy from down the road. And this goes along with our picture of the organic egg farm as a small, local, rustic operation. The very idea of having an organic egg farm on an enormous scale is hard to picture. Why, it'd take up all of these here United States!

In truth, odds are that if you're buying organic eggs, they are coming from a large-scale farm with legions of layers. It can be tough to verify how big an individual egg producer actually is, because they are protected like military research facilities. That's why a nonprofit watchdog group used aerial photos to estimate that there are about 100,000 birds house in this facility, and that the farm is licensed for one million (note the semi-trailers in the foreground for scale):

Via WashingtonPost.com
And if eggs ever go out of style, the buildings can be used to make actual semis.

Egg farms are doing everything they can to seem like mom and pop operations, but they are actually secretive, amoral, coldly efficient entities ... actually, I take it back, that very much reminds me of my mom and pop.

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Aaron Kheifets

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