If you're like me, movies are how you learned to be a good person. Andy Dufresne taught you how to be brave, John McClane taught you how to be resourceful, and Han Solo taught you how to get your fuck on with your friend's sister. If you're a woman, you probably have different examples, but I have no idea what they'd be.
Except, it turns out, I got some bad news, guys. Turns out a lot of heroic movie characters are actual total turd-monkeys. Real floppy-dicked fuck-waffles. I'm talking full-on taint-faced, stinky-eyed jerkarinos. Oh, you want examples? I got five of 'em. So gather 'round, kiddies. Let's ruin some motherfuckin' memories.
5The Force Awakens: Finn Escapes A Life Of Child Soldiering, Immediately Starts Murdering Child Soldiers
In the Star Wars prequels, we learn that most of the evil stormtroopers were clones, but by the time The Force Awakens happens they've abandoned that sci-fi bullshit in exchange for the tried-and-true method of kidnapping children when they're too young to know their own names, brainwashing them into a lifetime of servitude and violence, and ruling over them with threats and intimidation. Basically, it's A Long Way Gone, reimagined in space and as a subplot in a children's movie.
A Long Way Gone
This is the most tasteless thing I've ever Photoshopped.
Our hero, Finn, is a former stormtrooper who panics when he sees one of his buddies die in a firefight, the way a human being would. This affects him so much that, moments later, he decides not to murder a bunch of innocent people, the way human beings do every day. Then, the next day he kills a whole bunch of his former co-workers with a spaceship, the way the overwhelming majority of us never do ever.
I know it's weird to call out a movie hero for killing bad guys. Especially in Star Wars, where it seems like our heroes can't even walk down to Walgreens to buy some toothpaste and contact lens solution without making half a dozen stormwidows. But literally the only thing we know about Finn is that he doesn't like killing. And because he doesn't know his own name, that's the only thing he knows about himself, too. This is what makes us sympathize with him: "Death freaks this guy out?" we say to ourselves, "Why, death freaks me out too! Hey, this guy's all right!"
I guess you can't blame him. Stormtroopers have been wearing the same dehumanizing armor for two different empires now, even though it camouflages with nothing and is vulnerable to the primitive weaponry of tree-dwelling koala-cannibals. But hey, Star Wars: If you're going to design characters specifically so that they can be gunned down without a second thought, maybe don't tell us that they're all a bunch of kidnapped children.
4Galaxy Quest: Tim Allen Gambles With The Fate Of The Entire Universe
In Galaxy Quest, the stars of an old sci-fi TV show discover that reruns of their show that were beamed beyond the solar system were received by a space-faring race called the Thermians, who have no concept of fiction and have modeled their entire culture off of these "historical documents." Apparently, every fantastical conceit of this universe's version of Star Trek is scientifically feasible, which is a stretch, but since America decided that The Social Network is a true story this isn't going to trip me up too much. The Thermians even manage to build the "Omega-13," which is a humongous floating puddle of blue CGI sperm with an unknown purpose. The Thermians don't know what it does, the heroes of the movie don't know what it does, even die-hard fans of the show don't know what it does.
This is how I picture the Cracked comments section.
According to Justin Long, who is the character you see right up there, the purpose of the cerulean jizz is the center of a raging nerd debate: "Many believe that it is a matter-collapser, a bomb capable of destroying pretty much everything in about 13 seconds. But myself and others are convinced it's actually a matter-rearranger, effecting a 13-second time-jump to the past."
So if you turn on the Omega-13, it'll either end all of existence or go back in time 13 seconds, which isn't even enough time to do anything important. "It's enough time to fix a single mistake," Tim Allen says. Jeez, Tim, technically, I guess. But no mistake could possibly be worth that risk. This is all of existence we're talking about. It's not possible for our brains to comprehend these stakes. I know the movie makes a big deal out of the existence of this device, so it seems like it's important to the plot, but listen to me, Tim: Do not activate Chekhov's space-cum. I cannot stress this enough.
I didn't just reveal something twisted about my psyche by admitting it looks like semen to me, right?
But he does, of course. At the end of the movie, when Allen and all his buddies are about to die in a horrible spaceship crash, he decides to turn on the Omega-13 for a chance to save himself. That last part is important. He's not saving the galaxy. He's not even saving Delaware. He's just saving himself and a bunch of actors. And for this, he risks the obliteration of everything that has ever existed. Because Justin Long said he should. Jesus fucking Christ, Tim.