Movies can change a lot during production. Sometimes they start off pretty normal and turn stupid, sometimes they were stupid to begin with and just get stupider, and sometimes a huge dimensional portal opens in your room. No, seriously, a big hole in the fabric of existence just appeared in front of my closet and sucked me through. It doesn't look like anything is different on this side, so I'm just going to do what any good entertainment journalist does and continue my article here at Crackers.com.
Anyway, movies! Turns out lots of famous movies were pretty close to being so irredeemably dumb that no one would have watched them, in this or any other reality, and we definitely wouldn't be calling them classics today. For example ...
#5. Back to the Future Almost Had a Semi-Incestuous Subplot
There are a lot of things to like about Back to the Future: the action, the music, the manure jokes, etc. There's one reason why this movie rocks that you probably took for granted, though: the fact that there are no scenes where Marty McFly gets hit on by his teenage mother. A lack of mother-fucking vibes is such a fundamental thing for any movie to have, not just this one. And yet, if you look at the early versions of the script, for some reason they decided that when Marty wakes up in 1955 after being knocked out by his grandfather's car, the young version of his mom should be "very interested in him," which she lets him know by awkwardly running her hand through his hair. She also calls him "Calvin" in this version, because she looks at his undies while he's asleep and sees the name Calvin Klein. Which I guess is better than her seeing the Calvin and Hobbes logo tattooed on his dick.
No, I'm not shitting you. The near-incest is in the freaking script. Not only that, they actually shot the Marty/Marty's mom "bedroom scene" and some images still survive:
Clear your cache right now, because in some states you could go to jail for having this on your computer.
You know the plan near the end of the movie where Marty is supposed to freak out his mom by revealing he's a communist spy, only for George McFly to come in and punch him? Well, in the original script his method of scaring her is by (and I'm quoting) "feeling her up" in a car. Of course, that doesn't happen ... because Marty's mom takes a shot of booze and it's her who kisses him. On the lips. Even full-blown porn sites delete incest role-playing. To be fair, she does feel extremely weird about it afterward, as would anyone else still left watching this film.
Except Crispin Glover, who'd be sporting a massive boner.
After five weeks shooting this version of the movie, director Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg looked at the footage and realized something was off. The answer was obvious: it was the sexy mom scenes. Perhaps this was exacerbated by the fact that Lea Thompson (Marty's mom) had a bit too much sexual chemistry with Eric Stoltz (Marty McFly), as evidenced by the fact that they later did Some Kind of Wonderful together.
They almost recast the part of Doc for the exact same reason.
Can you imagine Back to the Future becoming the cult classic it is today if they'd kept the incest? It'd be like some shameful movie only perverts admit to owning, like the entire filmography of Woody Allen. While we're on the subject, when the hell are they making Back to the Future 2? C'mon, Spielberg, you've probably made your money back by now.
#4. Indiana Jones Was Supposed to Have an Affair With a 16-Year-Old Girl
Everything about Indiana Jones is so iconic that it's hard to imagine any part of the character being any other way. The hat. The whip. The mustache. The ... statutory rape?
Whoever heard of a pervert with a mustache?
That last one was in the original plan, anyway. Remember Marion Ravenwood, the daughter of Indy's old mentor who helps him in Raiders of the Lost Ark? In the finished movie, she's just Indy's good friend, trusted confidant, and adventuring partner, but in the original script, they were supposed to hook up ... 10 years before the events of the film. When she was a teenager. Or, as she herself puts it, "a child." And now I've lost the ability to get an erection. Thanks, Indy.
Or, as Indy puts it, in the butt. The underage butt.
The script specifically says Marion is 25 during Raiders, which would make her 15 when, according to Indy, she knew what she was doing (his penis, she was doing his penis). Other official Indiana Jones materials put her birth date in 1909, which would make her 26 or 27 in the movie, but that's still kinda disturbing -- especially when you consider that Tom Selleck was 36 when he played Indy and the actress who played Marion, Sean Young, was 122. (Note to editor: check math, please.)
More like Sean TOO Young!
It's a good thing that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg ended up realizing the romance angle wasn't necessary and dropped it -- or maybe they just realized nobody would pay to see a movie where the hero is a creepy child molester. Either way, they cut that shit. Of course, the Internet being the Internet, to this day some fans still insist that Indy and Marion secretly had a thing going on, and when the latest film was announced in 2007, there was a rumor that Shia LaBeouf would play their lovechild ... which he promptly denied, because even Shia LaBeouf knows that putting Shia LaBeouf in an Indiana Jones movie would be more ridiculous than anything else mentioned in this article.
#3. Superman Was Gonna Give Lois Lane Amnesia With a Kiss in Superman II
Before the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, no one thought big-budget comic book adaptations were even possible. Think about that: there's no way Captain America 2, X-Men: Days of Future Past, or Apache Chief 7: A Heart Without Regret would be raking in millions at the box office this year if Superman and Superman II had never come out. Or, if they came out and were completely dumb -- which actually got disturbingly close to happening. For starters, at one point, Superman was supposed to (again, I'm not making any of this up) erase Lois Lane's memory by kissing her. Yes, apparently the guy's tongue technique is so great that just a two-second smooch from him will give you permanent brain damage. Good thing they didn't go for a blow job, huh?
If he gave Lois a blow job she would have ended up catatonic.
As you know, in Superman II Lois Lane finds out Superman is Clark Kent and they hook up. And, as you also know, General Zod murders, like, half the world, causing Superman to fly so fast that he breaks the speed of light and travels back in time, preventing all the devastation ... but also his relationship with Lois. It's a classic ending that has been called many things ("sublime," "transcendental," and "a deeply moving experience that will permanently change your soul" are praises that get constantly thrown around in Internet message boards discussing this movie), but never "dumb."
However, while the "turning back time" scene was always planned for the second movie, the studio considered pushing it to the first one because they weren't sure if they'd get to do a sequel, and they wanted to wow people with a big special effects shot. To make it fit, they wanted to change the original movie's script to kill Lois in an earthquake, causing Superman to make the Earth spin backwards. That's not a figure of speech. He literally reverts the rotation of the Earth. Instead of the 2001-esque light show we ultimately got in Superman II, the filmmakers thought it might be simpler if they just showed Superman flying around the globe until everything starts moving in reverse, because that makes sense (if you're a film producer in 1977 and your body is 85 percent cocaine).
What does all this stupid bullshit have to do with kissing Lois Lane? Well, if they'd gone through with that plan, they couldn't have used the time travel plot twist again in Superman II, so they needed another valid way to make Lois forget Superman's identity. They couldn't come up with anything better, so he slips her an amnesia kiss.
"I turned down Grease 2 for this crap?" -Stockard "Lois Lane" Channing
Fortunately, someone said, "Wait a minute, this is Superman -- of course we'll get to do a fucking sequel, come on," and they scrapped all these revisions and went back to the original non-stupid plan. Some argue that the Superman comics of the time were pretty silly too, so this wouldn't have been such a big deal. Under that logic, I guess Marvel could have kept the talking raccoon from the Guardians of the Galaxy comics instead of replacing him with Rob Schneider's character in the movie. Yeah, right.