Our culture is full of cautionary tales about rich and famous people who lose all their money and end up cleaning out the mop bucket after the nursing home janitor goes home for the night. Usually, these people's downfalls are due to plain old greed and wastefulness -- not checking the pockets of their designer suits for spare change before they throw it in their closet-furnace, failing to make sure they've snorted every last line of cocaine off that male stripper's abs before they send him back to his wing of the mansion, etc.
But others lose their fortunes for far more drastic reasons. Sure, these people may currently be elbow-deep in janitor bucket, but at least they each have a story to tell. For example ...
#5. Nicolas Cage Spent $150 Million, Lost $276,000 On A Dinosaur Skull
Actor Nicolas Cage built up his fortune the good old-fashioned way: by screaming and gesticulating wildly on camera. Over the years, Cage's acting skills and sheer on-screen Nicolas Cageness earned him a cool fortune of $150 million. But by the late 2000s, his finances must have felt like Leelee Sobieski did when a man in a bear suit came running toward her in the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man, because they were about to get punched in the face.Where The Money Went
Cage appears to make financial decisions by holding up a small handheld mirror and asking himself: "What would Nicolas Cage do?" Over the years, he has purchased a haunted murder mansion, a private island, and a collection of shrunken heads. But his crowning achievement was spending $276,000 on a 67-million-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex skull which turned out to be stolen.
Get it? "Crowning"? Because it's a skull? Okay, I'll move on.
Authorities discovered that the gallery where Mr. Cage bought the skull had been scammed by criminal paleontologist Eric Prokopi, whom authorities describe as a "one-man black market in prehistoric fossils." Holy shit, Hollywood, you're still making terrible remakes of even more terrible 1990s book series when this guy is walking around with his story untold?
Cage returned the skull to its home country of Mongolia, but never revealed exactly what he wanted it for in the first place. The only reason I can think of is that he wanted to grind up the bones and ingest the powder in some sort of voodoo ritual to give himself mystical dinosaur powers and wisdom, but that's completely crazy shit that even Nicolas Cage wouldn't be into -- wait, Nicolas Cage is into that, too? Okay.
#4. Heidi Montag Spent $10 Million In Preparation For the Mayan Apocalypse
You may remember Heidi Montag as one of the stars of the "reality" drama The Hills. She was the one who met and eventually married the douchey Spencer Pratt, while viewers at home watched and felt much better about their own lives. Montag and Pratt have inexplicably remained famous since then, and eventually made a fortune of around $10 million, because it turns out the terrorists were right.
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Pratt and Montag, shown here shortly after emerging from the sweaty loins of the Great Satan.
It's become a bit of a cliche to dump on talentless reality stars, so I will add here that the couple have also managed to remain happily married for seven years, and that they both probably have some very nice qualities. However, being good with money is not one of those qualities.Where The Money Went
By 2010, Pratt and Montag were spending money like the world was ending, because they thought the world was ending. In 2013, Pratt admitted that he and his wife believed that an asteroid was going to hit the earth on December 21, 2012, and that the best thing to do was get rid of all that pesky money before that happened, presumably because cash and valuables would only weigh a person down in the underground garbage mines once cockroaches had taken over the earth.
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"If only we'd allowed Nicolas Cage to gain tyrannosaurus wisdom so he could guide us through this" -- Humanity
So the couple went on a wild pre-apocalyptic spending spree, handing out thousands of dollars to friends and tipping people $200 to open doors. Eventually, they were forced to move back in with Pratt's parents after their money ran out and they could no longer afford a house. And after all that, the prophecy turned out to be bullshit. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was all set to happen, but then God changed his mind because he couldn't stand the idea of Spencer Pratt being right about something.
#3. Antoine Walker Lost A Shit-Ton On The Housing Crash
Sure, you can make decent money starring in reality shows, but most reality stars look as poor as hobos compared to professional athletes. NBA star Antoine Walker earned upwards of $110 million over the course of his 12-year career, which works out to about $25,000 a day. Christ, the guy probably earned more during the time he spent pooping in the morning than most people do in a year, even if he was getting enough fiber. But given that he's appearing in this article, you can probably guess that Walker's golden days of cash-pooping are unfortunately over.
These days, he can barely afford two-ply, like the rest of us.
Some of Walker's money went the way one can expect money to go when you hand millions of dollars to a guy who's barely old enough to drink. He built his family members giant houses, was particularly fond of expensive cars, and hired his own personal wizard (I assume). But the main problem was that Walker, realizing that his basketball career wasn't going to last forever, decided to found a real-estate firm and buy 140 properties in the Chicago area. Which might usually be a good example of smart long-term financial planning, except that he did this in the mid-2000s.
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"Just let me go into the house and poop for a while. I'll have the mortgage payment ready in no time."
The housing market imploded, and Walker, still busy with the tail end of his NBA career, was unable to pay attention to which of his properties were actually worth something. By 2010, he was bankrupt. Today, Walker has a somewhat stable career as a basketball analyst, but admits that he doesn't even own a car anymore, and is currently reduced to using Uber to get around. Which is probably the most tragic part of this whole story, given that conversations with your Uber driver are awkward enough without the guy recognizing you and asking what happened to your Bentley.